I Go to the Spa

Bend me, shape me

Spaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Just the word makes me melt. But not every spa service is relaxing. I’ve tried the mani-pedi, and I don’t like it. Oh, I like the results (they put a flower on my big toe!), but the process did nothing for me. I found it stressful to have a lady kneeling at my nude, gross feet. She snip snip snips away a bunch of dead skin around my cuticles, except it must not be dead, because it HURTS! And when she sloughs off all the scaly, callusy stuff from the bottoms of my hobbit-like feet? I dunno, I feel like I kind of need that stuff. It’s a protective layer. Many’s the night I’ve gotten ready for bed, only to discover a thumbtack or small pebble embedded in my sole. I never felt a thing.

I even had a facial once. I was on vacation in Jamaica and decided to treat myself (because a Jamaican vacation isn’t enough of a treat). I was bewildered by all the choices, so I asked the nice lady at the front desk which kind she recommended. “Oh, the ‘Fountain of Youth’ for sure,” she said.

Wow. OK. So, yeah. Still recovering from that, apparently.

Anyway, I found out I don’t really like people touching my face, much less slathering it with oils and lotions and other youthening products. Like the mani-pedi, this was not relaxing. Nor did I look any younger when I was done, LADY AT THE FRONT DESK.

No, I go to the spa for one thing only.

THE MASSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE.

It’s totally therapeutic. I have back issues, and a deep-tissue massage about once a month helps keep things more or less in place. But “therapeutic” and “total body-dissolving pleasure” are not mutually exclusive. Oh, it’s so good, peeps. No, it does not have to hurt. Yes, you have to let go a bit. No, the massage therapist doesn’t care if you have a big butt. Yes, you will most likely drool.

I’ve had some bad massages. There was Pepe, a large woman with red hair who announced mid-massage, “I’m sorry, madam, I simply must go to the bathroom.” She did not return. Then there was Gisela, who forced me to remove EVERYthing and even after my shower wouldn’t let me dry myself off. “NEIN! I dry you!”

But I’m totally in love with my current massage therapist, who I shall refer to as “E” because that is the sound I make when she works her magic. E is the size of a 12-year-old gymnast and as strong as an ox. She digs her fingers into my shoulders, and little rockets of pleasure shoot to my scalp, fizzling and sizzling. Muscles unknot, tendons relax, even my hair follicles are noticeably looser.

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

I dream about kidnapping E and making her live in my basement, where she will give me a 90-minute massage every day.

Apparently there are people out there who have never had a massage. I don’t understand this. What’re you waiting for? It’s the best thing EVER. You don’t have to take off everything; you can even keep your socks on your gross hobbit feet. Make an appointment today. Just don’t ask for Pepe.

If You Want to Go to a Spa

_____________________________

Totally relaxing, never stressful

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59 Comments


59 Responses to “I Go to the Spa”

  1. 1 Woody

    My hubby gave me a spa day once for our anniversary. All day long, I was rubbed and oiled and exfoliated and god knows what else. It was the most wonderful present ever. And, yes, he did get a happy ending!

    Woody’s last blog post..Make Me Babies

  2. 2 fragileheart

    Until recently, my boyfriend hadn’t had a massage either. Last year, we went away for a weekend and staye at a hotel with an in house spa. I made him book a deep tissue massage (like you he has back problems) and he loved it. Though he hasn’t gotten one since. Come to think of it, I haven’t had one since then either. I’m definitely booking one for when I’m over there during my New Year’s break!

    fragileheart’s last blog post..A simple, customizable footrest

  3. 3 Maureen

    (Raises hand sheepishly)

    I have never had a massage.

    Nor a pedi, or manicure.

    I feel self-concious at the hairdresser, never mind at a massage place! GAH!

    Maureen’s last blog post..Back From The Big City

  4. 4 Singular Girl

    I am one of those individuals who never had a massage. It freaks me out to think of a stranger running their hands all over my body. Probably why I wear my tension like a badge of honor… I’ll probably be a hunchback by the time I’m 50.

    Singular Girl’s last blog post..All we need now is a pole…

  5. 5 Tricia

    I love the idea of a massage and there are parts of it that I adore but laying on my stomach face down while someone rubs on my back is only comfortable for about 5 minutes, then my sinuses fill up with crap and I can’t breathe, I start snuffling, it sucks having sinus/allergy issues 100% of the time.

    Because of this I prefer chair massages where you are in a semi upright position it keeps the sinuses draining. And I adore facials – you lay on your back and they rub your shoulders, scalp, hands and arms, feet and ankles – it’s almost like a massage and my pores are always so clean when I leave. :)

    I get mani/pedi’s about once a month too – love it. And no the callouses on your feet are not good for you. :) They will become painful if they build up too much. And if you are finding tacks and pebbles in your feet they are probably too think! LOL Seriously – wear shoes! :)

    Tricia’s last blog post..My sweet boy (nephew) is ONE!

  6. 6 Tiggy

    I had a massage on a Thai beach once. The young lady smothered me with an oil which smelled suspiciously like vegetable fat infused with chilli sauce.

    The massage was great, but later that evening I saw the same girl stir-frying Thai chilli noodles in the restaurant kitchen. I wasn’t so keen to go back.

    Tiggy’s last blog post..Zen and the Art of Falling Off Motorcycles – Tiggy’s Bike Test

  7. 7 Jennifer

    I love massages, so this is one thing that I don’t need you to do so that I don’t have to. I’d rather you let me do it for you so that you don’t have to :)

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Pop Culture Halloween Costumes

  8. 8 April

    I love massages and I don’t have to be convinced to do it nude. It’s so much more comfy that way and no they really don’t care if you have a big butt or stomach or thunder thighs, trust me.

    I can do without manicures but pedicures are a must. These are not optional for me with my horrible circulation if I don’t get them taken care of regularly they get really bad. And I love the woman I go see for my pedis, she does the best leg massage I’ve ever had when she finishes. Most of them just gently do a quick rub of my legs but she really works the tissue. It feels _so_ good.

  9. 9 Bucky

    I’ve never been to a spa or a masseuse. I have bought the wife a few visits there.

    Perhaps I will go with her next time. :)

    Bucky’s last blog post..Bullets! Bullets! Get Your Bullets Here!

  10. 10 Wayne

    Two girls, four hands = Great Massage!

  11. 11 stephanie barr

    Mani-Pedis I love. Apparently, I have svelte and beautiful feet or at least I pretend they are. And that they don’t stink.

    I also love massage, but I’ve never had one that wasn’t painful, though I can’t blame the massage therapists. People working on my back end up looking like they just finished the triathalon. They WORK for the money on my back because apparently I keep it tight as a drum and I’m overly muscled under all that fat.

    Thank heavens I have svelte and beautiful feet so I feel less self-conscious about being Quasimoto.

    stephanie barr’s last blog post..Ego’s in check

  12. 12 absepa

    Nope. No way. I will not get a massage, because I am utterly freaked out by the thought of a total stranger rubbing on my bod–naked or otherwise. It’s a personal space thing–it takes me YEARS to get used to even a hairdresser, and once I do, I stay with them until they quit. (I’ve been with my current person for 11 years. She does an awesome job on my hair, too.) I’m just not comfortable with the whole “touching” thing. No pedicures either, please, because my feet are so ticklish that it feels like I’m going to pee my pants if anyone touches them. I’m not familiar with all teh etiquette, but I’m pretty sure wetting my pants would get me thrown out of the salon. I did have a manicure once, on my wedding day (12 years ago), and it was very nice. My nails looked lovely, and it was pretty relaxing. Since I’m cheap, however, it is not an experience I will be repeating any time soon.

    I bring up all these points as evidence in arguments with my husband, when he contends that I am high-maintenance. I’m actually pretty low-maintenance, and that means that I get to use my expendable income on clothes and shoes. It all evens out.

  13. 13 absepa

    Why is CommentLuv hatin’ on me? I usually have to post twice to get it to find my feed.

  14. 14 Kathy

    I’m enjoying reading about everyone’s neuroses. I have one too, but only for my feet. I must, must, must keep my socks on. I’m not going to submit my feet to a poor, innocent person who deserves so much more than my freak flipper feet. Seriously, I’m sure that’s not what they signed up for.

    “Eeeeeeeeee!” is right! It’s glorious and delicious and people who can’t see themselves getting all touched up are missing out. But I do sympathize. You know, the feet thing.

    I’d really like to know what happened with Pepe. That story intrigues me.

    Kathy’s last blog post..How to Make a Grown Woman Cry

  15. 15 Jen - Queen of Poo

    I don’t find pedicures relaxing at all either, and getting my nails done feels like hard work! I’ve never had a professional massage, though. I’m am so in need too.

    Jen – Queen of Poo’s last blog post..Meals on the Cheap

  16. 16 JD

    Woody: Ooh la la! Aren’t you the spicy one! My husband would definitely get a happy ending if he gave me a spa day . . . oh, wait, he did! Last year on my birthday! I got some catching up to do.

    fragileheart: My husband is so squirmy and ticklish—there is only one area about an inch square on the small of his back that he can tolerate being touched. It hardly seems worth it. But for you, yes! Make that appointment!

    Maureen: You are not alone. It does require a certain level of inhibition-dropping to have a total stranger work you over while you’re in your underwear. Ah, but the rewards!

    Singular Girl: HA! Yes. For some, it’s just not worth it. For me, I can’t imagine life without massage. But to claim that you’re wearing your tension like a badge of honor? That is what I call owning your stress!

    Tricia: I have the same problem, but luckily, the stuffiness doesn’t start until it’s almost time to roll over. Then I sniffle and snort so much I’m always asked if I want a tissue. I’ve had the chair massage, but I can really only relax when I’m prone. And, boy, my facial was NOT like you describe! I’m sure you’re right about my calloused feet, but . . . they’re just so “me”!

    Tiggy: Hee! At least you weren’t on the menu. A massage like that would not relax me but rather make me hungry for Pad Thai.

    Jennifer: Let’s strike a deal: We’ll each do it so the other one HAS to. How does that sound?

    April: I’ve done it nude, and I’m fine with it, but at my usual place, underpants seem de rigeur—especially since E often tucks the sheet into the waistband. See, I’ve heard about these fantastic facials and pedicures that are like massages, but mine weren’t like that at all. You make it sound really good—I’m tempted to try it again. I did like that flower on my big toenail.

    Bucky: YES! You should definitely go. Lots of places have couples massage, but I have never been able to convince my husband to go. Actually, that’s probably for the best, as I prefer total silence.

    Wayne: Whoa! What are we talking about here, exactly? Well, whatever it is, sign me up. Four hands are better than two!

    stephanie barr: Oh, dear. You are another one who wears your tension like a badge of honor! I do realize it’s hard for some people to relax and really get the most out of a massage. And I’m sure your lovely feet don’t stink!

    absepa: Wow, interesting! Yes, they do tend to frown spontaneous urination in most of these places, I’m afraid. It’s funny, because I hate being touched by people or people standing too close to me, but that all disappears when it’s massage time. And I guess that’s why I have no expendable income for clothes and shoes.

    Grrr, CommentLuv! C’mon! Parse correctly, or you’re getting dumped!

    Kathy: I was actually pretty upset about the Pepe Incident. The spa reimbursed me the full amount (even tho she’d already done about half of it) and apologized, but never told me what happened. As for your poor flipper feet . . . ahhhh. That’s my favorite part! “Rub my bunion—harder! HARDER!”

    Jen – Queen of Poo: Hey, thanks for visiting! I’m pretty sure I’ve never in my life typed “Queen of Poo” before, so you must be new here. Get yourself a massage. It’s the opposite of hard work.

  17. 17 Babs - beetle

    I’m with Maureen. Never had any more than a hairdo. I am not comfortable with any ‘Beauty’ treatments – Even though one of my sisters had a beauty salon in London!

    Part of me is very shy and self conscious, whilst the rest is extrovert – I am weird, I know ;O)

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Is this a test, do you think?

  18. 18 Athena

    I am seriously drooling just thinking about it. Must schedule massage, soon.

    Athena’s last blog post..Me, some strippers and lots of vodka – Halloween 2008

  19. 19 chat blanc

    You speak the truth sista!! I too LOVE massage. I’d rather have a massage therapist to see once a week for the rest of my life waaaaay more than any husband. :)

    chat blanc’s last blog post..Salaciousness

  20. 20 Lidian

    I had a facial once and it was really supposed to be relaxing, only the lady kept talking to me and trying to sell me her line of – something, face creams or something. It was very stressful!

    Lidian’s last blog post..The Ghost Room

  21. 21 Regan

    Ahh massages. I’ll just pretend I know what one feels like for this comment. Wait. Forget I said that. I do know what it feels like to get a massage. ^^

  22. 22 Meg

    Sorry, a massage is one thing I’ll do or get for myself. But you could rake my leaves if you want to

    Meg’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday on a Tuesday

  23. 23 JD

    Babs – beetle: Dare I say, Babs, that you (and Maureen) don’t NEED any beauty treatments. You are perfect the way you are! However I do suggest that you get that extrovert side to a spa and get a massage. You’ll thank me!

    Athena: Oh, please do. And come back to tell us all about it. Eeeeeeee!

    chat blanc: If I have to give up my husband, I’d need the massage therapist every day. And I’d definitely be requesting some happy endings.

    Lidian: That’s why I’m afraid to get another facial or makeover. I give in so easily to that kind of thing. Also? Nobody EVER better talk to me about ANYthing during a massage.

    Regan: Of course you do, silly. Altho you’re probably too young to need one. Wait till you get old and creaky, and you will REALLY appreciate what a massage feels like.

    Meg: Um. Actually, I do quite like raking leaves, as long as I get a massage afterward. I won’t do it for you, tho. It’ll be ALL ME.

  24. 24 Catherinette Singleton

    You truly are a giver. Thank you so much for going to the spa so I don’t have to. Who wants a stinky massage when they can suffer with a stiff neck?

    Catherinette Singleton’s last blog post..Just the Tip Tuesday (10/28/08)

  25. 25 Preston

    Hey JD, I’m hitting you with a tag for 8 random things about yourself. You can check it out at my blog.

    Preston’s last blog post..Win $25 Amazon Gift Card at Confetti by: Kateedyd

  26. 26 Natural

    I’m so glad I didn’t read this at work, I would have had a laughing fit. Too funny.

    Many’s the night I’ve gotten ready for bed, only to discover a thumbtack or small pebble embedded in my sole. I never felt a thing. LOVE IT!

    A massage? dear lord have mercy eyes rolling in my head. a must is right. i’m going to be a good girl and just run away now for my happy ending. too funny, wTH. i don’t think i could let another woman give me a massage, sorry. no thank you, i’ll rub up against a door frame first.

    thanks for the laugh JD.

    Natural’s last blog post..Answering Comments: Obligation, Optional or Off?

  27. 27 Kelly

    i had a massage when i was on my honeymoon in punta cana. it was heaven. and guess what, my stepmother owns her own spa!!! horray for free massages!!!!!!!

    Kelly’s last blog post..Beautiful Nail

  28. 28 Jeff

    I had a massage once from a GUY (a physical therapist) and I LIKED IT! And I’m totally not into guys.

    At first I was a little tense but as soon as he hit that neck muscle I was man puddy in his hands.

    Did I mention I’m not into guys? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    Jeff’s last blog post..To buy or not to buy?

  29. 29 Luxor

    I get massages almost every single day!

    Sadly, Mom says, she has to beg for even a back scratching from Dad! ;-)

    Luxor’s last blog post..For my Entrecard friends …

  30. 30 Tim

    I love massage. I also have some real back problems from a bad work/ car accident, and it really helps to get the kinks rubbed out.
    I’m fine with them seeing my feet or whatever, as long as it is someone of the female persuasion. I WILL NOT be touched by a masseur again. One time I went to a spa type place and never specified female only, so guess what, a guy showed up. I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter, but, I was pretty much traumatized by the experience for days. I don’t need men rubbing my back (or front!)
    Manicure? No thanks. I am interested in Wayne’s version of massage, though…

    Tim’s last blog post..Quiting Smoking, Second Hand Gum and Non-Chewing Sections

  31. 31 Urso Branco

    I Love massages. When I lived in Toronto I met the World’s Greatest Masseuse. It was like being in heaven being worked over by Cheryl.

    I used to get 90 minutes and walk out a new man. There were no Happy Endings but I still fell in love. We became really good friends.

    Alas, I have emigrated to Brasil and she is not here. I really do miss those wonderful massages and the World’s Greatest Masseuse.

    Urso Branco’s last blog post..Redneck Scrambled Eggs

  32. 32 JD

    Catherinette Singleton: You tense, stressed-out, stiff-necked folk truly baffle me. However, I will gladly take on more than my share massages so you don’t have to. No need to thank me.

    Preston: Thanks, Preston! I left a comment. I’m really gonna have to dig deep to come up with 8 more random things, but I will try!

    Natural: A HA HA HA! I love the image of you rubbing up against a door frame. Can you get a happy ending that way? Hmmm. Glad you enjoyed it, my friend. I know I did!

    Kelly: Wow. I really had to take a minute there. Free massage? I thought that was an oxymoron. You are sooooo lucky!

    Jeff: OK, we’re all thinking of that Seinfeld episode. Jeff, confess: Did it move?

    Luxor: It’s just not fair! Gus and Pru get regular massages, too, and they don’t even have to tip me. I would love a back scratch or foot rub every now and then, but I have to pay for it.

    Tim: HA HA HA HA HA! I’m comparing your story with Jeff’s, above. Relax, Tim! He’s not going to touch you THERE! Seriously, I’m sorry about your back problems and am glad you found something that helps. Just always ask for a lady (but not Pepe).

    Urso Branco: Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’d do if E ever quit the biz. It’s nice when you can develop a close friendship with a masseuse. Surely you can find Brazil’s Greatest Masseuse?

  33. 33 Angi

    I loooooooooooooove massages. I used to work for a chiropractic office that had in-house massage therapists.

    Take it from me – it pays to befriend one or three. ;-)

  34. 34 Niccolo Svengali

    Tiggy: “I had a massage on a Thai beach once. The young lady smothered me with an oil which smelled suspiciously like vegetable fat infused with chilli sauce.

    The massage was great, but later that evening I saw the same girl stir-frying Thai chilli noodles in the restaurant kitchen. I wasn’t so keen to go back.”

    If you’d gone sunbathing after that, you could have done yourself to delicious golden brown.

    I reckon if you set up a board at an angle, and draped on it one of those ‘nets of balls’ that taxi drivers use for their backs, you could give yourself a good massage.

  35. 35 Kelly

    i just wanted to let you know, i posted something for you today. come see! i’m sure you’ll like it!

    Kelly’s last blog post..It’s Diabolical!

  36. 36 Jeff

    Sorry… the only thing that moved was disc C6 when it snapped back in place.

    Jeff’s last blog post..To buy or not to buy?

  37. 37 JD

    Angi: I do have a friend who does massage and acupuncture, but I’ve always felt weird asking her. AND my brother’s girlfriend claims to be certified in Thai massage, but whenver I ask her, she says she’s not that good and doesn’t want to break me.

    Niccolo Svengali: Mmmm. Now I’m hungry for some stir-fried TIGGY! Also, excellent suggestion about those beaded things. I bet that would feel great.

    Kelly: I came! I saw! Thank you so much!

    Jeff: Thanks for getting back to me on that. Now you can email me the REAL answer. I swear I won’t tell anyone.

  38. 38 dcr

    Thank you for having a massage so I don’t have to. Having strangers touch me is not a stress-busting thought. Seems to invite stress more than reduce it.

    I know people that are huggers too. It’s like, back off you touchy-feely huggly-wuggly person. Go hug a tree or something. That’s what they’re there for. ;-)

    dcr’s last blog post..The Twitter Effect

  39. 39 ann of thejunkdrawerblogfamily

    Just reading about all this massaging is making me feel drowsy. I, too, would love a massage therapist on staff at my home. That would be in addition to the makeup artist, hair stylist, chef, personal trainer, and chauffeur.

  40. 40 Jay

    I know that’s what massage is supposed to be like, but I’ve never had that experience, sadly.

    Maybe it’s the fibromyalgia, I don’t know, but I usually end up in pain. The last one I had was a hot stone massage which just sounded so nice! But after I got home I had such pain in my back and through into my chest I thought I was having a heart attack!

    Maybe I need a masseuse built like a twelve year old, but hold the gymnast!

    Jay’s last blog post..Andrew Sachs

  41. 41 JD

    dcr: If anyone other than my husband moves in to hug, kiss, or in any other way touch me, I turn into prickly porcupine. But if you say you want to give me a massage? I am lying down, naked, in 3 seconds flat.

    ann of the junkdrawerblogfamily: Ohhhh. A personal chef. I would love that, too. And a personal trainer to help me work off all the food the personal chef made me eat.

    Jay: Oh, no! That sounds awful! I’ve never had a hot stone massage, but it does seem that it would be pleasant and not make you sore at all. That’s too bad.

  42. 42 kouji

    damn. haven’t had a massage in ages. :( but i can remember those good old days though. pure bliss. :)

    kouji’s last blog post..autumn haiku poem, wind

  43. 43 Duck

    When I lived in India my ex bought me a masseuse.

    No seriously, BOUGHT ME A MASSEUSE.

    She’d come every single day.

    The problem was, she had never done massage before. And she had a goiter. And I hurt worse after she was done. So we had to let her go.

    But I will always revel in the fact that I owned a masseuse.

    Duck’s last blog post..Xanathrill? Thrillerdu?

  44. 44 Debo Hobo

    Oh no you don’t I’ll do this one for myself, thanks for offering though. I live for my massages and can’t understand why there are still folks out there that have never had one.

    I got the best massage just yesterday from the Massage therapist at the Chiropractor for the cost of a copay. Oh happy day!!!! ;)

    Debo Hobo’s last blog post..By: Awake In Rochester

  45. 45 JD

    kouji: Well, sometimes happy memories are enough. Or can you make those memories a reality? Pure bliss is very much a desirable state.

    Duck: (speechless). You . . . what? Man. Who cares about the goiter or the after-pain. YOU owned a masseuse. That is very cool, and I am jealous.

    Debo Hobo: Oh, I’m so happy for you. A good massage at a reasonable price—what more do we ask from life?

  46. 46 Corrina

    I find myself continuing to wonder what exactly happened to Pepe…

    I’ve never had a professional massage, but I think now I HAVE to since I love making the “Eeeeeeeeeeee” noise!

    Corrina’s last blog post..Happy Halloween!

  47. 47 JD

    Corrina: Me too. It’s a mystery. She just came and went, never to be seen again. At least I got my money back. YES! You have to get a professional massage. You can try making the “Eeeeee” noise on your own, but it’s just not the same.

  48. 48 Deidre

    I hear ya on the pedicure. I do not like people touching my feet, The End.

    I got a facial once too – and it was all well and good until they dumped honey on me and then I felt STICKY. STICKY. Ew!

    Massages are the best.

    Deidre’s last blog post..The these-are-my-grumpypants rant

  49. 49 kouji

    true. really should find a way back to that state of pure bliss. :)

    my aching shoulders… :(

    kouji’s last blog post..children letter haiku poem

  50. 50 JD

    Deidre: I don’t mind my feet being touched (in fact, I luuuurve having them rubbed and massaged) but all the snipping and scraping and sloughing was unpleasurable. I can do without honey being poured on my face, too. Yuck.

    kouji: YES! You deserve it!

  51. 51 brooke

    I enjoy mani-pedi and massages. The only thing I don’t like about facials is they touch your face and it sometimes it hurts and irritates your skin.

  52. 52 JD

    brooke: Yes, true! Facial skin is very delicate, and they need to be careful. It’s not like when they scrape the dead skin off your feet!

  53. 53 Susan@Oceanside

    Massages are great. Although some of mine have been pretty rough! As for the facials, they are nice as long as I can get a good facial massage (some don’t really do it).

    Susan@Oceanside’s last blog post..Oceanside Beaches

  54. 54 JD

    Susan@Oceanside: Maybe my facial and mani-pedis were just not that great by anyone’s standards. I do love a good, rough massage, tho!

  55. 55 jen brister

    I am a massage therapist and it’s true – we really don’t care how big your butt is.

  56. 56 JD

    jen brister: HAHAHA! Oh, thank you for letting us know. Of course, we’ll all probably still worry!

  57. 57 Pure Relaxation

    Thanks for the article. I think everyone deserves a great massage. Some people just don’t know what they’re missing out on.

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