Last night, while reading my favorite news publication, I found out that I’m supposed to be wearing a bra.
This whole “bra” craze has totally passed me by. In fact, I’ve never been very preoccupied with my breastal area.
I do vaguely recall being 16 and reading about a young woman who was a “late bloomer.” Phew, I thought. So, then, am I (I wasn’t). I also remember those chest exercises where you’d push your palms together and chant, “We must, we must, we must increase our bust, The bigger, the better, the tighter the sweater, the boys depend on US!”
But, as it turned out, boys didn’t depend on us for just big boobs, so I was cool.
Anyway, according to this magazine exposé, I need to spend approximately $50 on a bra. That’s the equivalent of two sushi take-outs from Sea Ranch. Which is more important to me? Proper support and nipple coverage or spicy teriyaki salmon with extra-EXTRA wasabi? I think we both know the answer to that.
But I was curious about this strange form of undergarment, so I read the descriptions.
Victoria’s Secret has a “7-Way” bra that allows you to change or remove the straps. That sounds way too complicated. There is apparently a type of bra called “balconette.” And something called a “bralette”! HAHAHA! Adding “ette” to words amuses me. For smaller chestlettes, why not purchase an Itty Bitty Bra? Because who wants to buy a bra named Itty Bitty, that’s why!
For a mere $44 I can “let this pretty bandeau peek out from under a tank.” For $44 it should do more than peek. I will wear that damn thing OVER a tank to completely confound the neighbors.
Spanx’s “Bra-llelujah!” promises the end of unsightly bulging, and I wonder if I can wear it on my butt.
Maidenform’s “Ultimate” push-up bra is the most appealing. Not only is it the cheapest of the bunch, it comes in leopard-print! Unfortunately, you need something to push up in the first place, and THAT is why I don’t even bother.
I do own a bra. My mom gave me one of her cast-offs. So it’s a Mom Bra. It’s very constricting, but isn’t that the very nature of bras? Also “bras” is a funny word. I think I’ll go with “bralette.”
And nipple flowers.
Bra came from here