I Get Free Stuff

Please, don’t wake me, no, don’t shake me

Driving to Starbuck’s while you’re still asleep is a bad idea for several reasons.

But who can think reasonably when you’re asleep?

Oh, don’t worry. I survived the trip, and I’m pretty sure everyone else on the road did too.

(Sidenote: I don’t like the taste of Starbuck’s coffee, but I DO like their milky, foamy, sugary-sweet coffee drinks. The terribly bitter taste can easily be masked by milk and syrup and whipped cream and sprinkles and, if need be, a crumbled-up muffin.)

Even tho I was asleep, I was able to make the transaction: one venti latte, extra shot. However, I wasn’t expecting further questioning:

Do you want a 4th shot on the house?

Huh?

Do you want a 4th shot on the house?

Huh?

Do you want a 4th shot on the house?

Huh?

Do you want a 4th shot on the house?

Huh?

Do you want a 4th shot on the house?

Huh?

. . .

You’re already getting 3 shots. DO YOU WANT A 4th ONE FOR FREE?

Free? Why didn’t you say so! Hit me up!

Now I’m awake!

When I got home, I washed my hands before enjoying my latte. Those Starbucks doors are germy. It was then that I saw it.

A giant crease ran down the side of my face. It was one of those sleep lines you get from grinding your face into the pillow during a deep, blissful, snoozy slumber. It ran from temple to jaw, as big and deep as the San Andreas Fault.

And that, my friends, is how you get free stuff. Why don’t you try it tomorrow? Stagger into your favorite local coffee-ery and make sure you have a hideous jagged sleep line on your face. No doubt your kindly barrista will take pity on you and offer you a free shot.

And with all that caffeine, you won’t have to worry about sleep lines for a while.

_____________________________

The fourth shot is always free here.

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52 Comments


52 Responses to “I Get Free Stuff”

  1. 1 Natural

    can i be juvenile and say 1st. why do people do that. i’m so excited though i can’t even read this post. gonna go read it now.

    i don’t like starbucks not even if it’s free. i’d get whatever and sell it.

    i usually smile and charm people for free stuff, the women too. lol

    Natural’s last blog post..EntreCard Therapy

  2. 2 Natural

    oh and sleep lines work too JD…maybe they thought you were a bad @$$, that was really a scar and felt threatened. the extra sh0t was to keep you from going postal.

    Natural’s last blog post..EntreCard Therapy

  3. 3 Bucky

    Maybe I should carry a stick with me or something so I can mash it into my face the last mile before I get to Starbucks. That should create a nice “sleep” crease.

    Bucky’s last blog post..How To Fix The “Do You Want To Move Or Copy Files From This Zone?” Nag In Windows XP

  4. 4 Jeff

    I’m with you… I don’t like the taste of their plain coffee either. And I don’t even like the extra caffeine because it makes me jittery. But I do like a nice sweet white chocolate blend. For about $4.

    Jeff’s last blog post..Let your kids try things

  5. 5 Broadwaymatron

    Here’s the thing – if you buy Starbucks Coffee – you know the beans (and if you don’t have a grinder, they grind it for whatever kind of coffee pot you use) – it is quite good. I used to buy “Yukon Blend” – a nice smooth yet hearty coffee. They have fancy machines and can’t get a decent cup of coffee out of them. I have a $30 Mr. Coffee and I great great coffee. Go figure.

    Broadwaymatron’s last blog post..And here he is (video by annoying Nonna)

  6. 6 Shieldmaiden96

    I buy their whole beans once in a while and grind ‘em myself, but usually its the ol’ Eight O’ Clock Blend for me, four bucks for a whole bag.

    The way I stagger out of the house some days, someone should be buying me a car.

    Shieldmaiden96′s last blog post..The Day After

  7. 7 Regan

    Oh, I’ve got to try that. Except I’ve never really had Starbucks because I don’t like coffee that much. They probably have chocolate milk or some king of muffin I like there. I’ll just try and get a chocolate milk and muffin for free. I’m good at looking tired. Then, I’ll put all the pretty toppings on my chocolate milk and enjoy it and my muffin.

  8. 8 ann of the cellphone bag

    I once drove thru McDonald’s drive-thru wearing my pajamas and a baseball cap. My pathetic-ness should have been worth something…

    With the economy downturn, Starbucks may have to offer more than the 4th shot on the house.

  9. 9 Jaffer

    Oh – I don’t have to work that hard to get free stuff. You see, I live in that part of town where the mall is a hub for retirees and even those working at the two Tim Horton’s inside the mall have seen a thousand months.

    I get my coffee at the cash and then have to walk to the other side to get my bagel-toasted-with-plain-cream-cheese.
    Twice I’ve got another cup of coffee on the other side !

    Jaffer’s last blog post..Whose Scattergory is it anyway ?

  10. 10 Babs - beetle

    Please tell me. What does a shot mean? Well I know what it means but a shot of what?

    I don’t think you can beat a lovely hot chocolate drink with cream and chocolate powder sprinkled on top :O)

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Who is this man?

  11. 11 The Hawg

    I’m going to give that shot (heh!) one of these days. I’m not proud…

    The Hawg’s last blog post..(Almost) Wordless Wednesday — Screeching Weasel’s ‘Cool Kids’

  12. 12 Kathy

    I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever understand the allure of Starbuck’s. That stuff may jack you up, but it tastes like tar going down. But maybe that’s the point? Offer you all those yummy add-ons to kill the taste?

    Sorry about your crease. The ones I don’t understand appear right down the middle of my forehead. Am I sleeping on my face or what? That just ain’t right.

    Kathy’s last blog post..What’s it Worth Melted Down?

  13. 13 Maureen

    Ooooh. I love Starbucks and get it free all the time.

    Daughter is a Barista.

    *Sniff* I’m so proud….

    Maureen’s last blog post..Closet Geek

  14. 14 JT

    Why do people rarely feel sorry for me and give me a fourth shot? Granted, I rarely drink coffee, but still. WTF? I won’t drive right after waking though, I’ve had to many experiences of trying to kill myself and other people when driving zombie.

    JT’s last blog post..As the intestines turn

  15. 15 Mike Foster

    God knows what I would get with my face, crease or no crease!

    peace,
    mike
    livelife365

    Mike Foster’s last blog post..How To Survive an Election Year Financial Meltdown

  16. 16 kouji

    hilarious. :D or perhaps the barrista was frightened. :)

    kouji’s last blog post..haiku poem: venus (written by mark r.)

  17. 17 James

    Hi, I found your blog on this new directory of WordPress Blogs at blackhatbootcamp.com/listofwordpressblogs. I dont know how your blog came up, must have been a typo, i duno. Anyways, I just clicked it and here I am. Your blog looks good. Have a nice day. James.

  18. 18 Scratch Bags

    I am a coffee freak! A shot, two shots, 10 shots. I want all of them :p

  19. 19 Tim

    This could be hard to duplicate; first, to get the exact right sleep crease. Second, to find a cashier / barrista that will take pity on your sleep addled state.
    Tim Horton’s doesn’t offer any shots. Just plain ole coffee flavored coffee :) The extra large is probably about 4 shots though.

    Tim’s last blog post..How Do You Keep an HHO Hydrogen Generator From Freezing?

  20. 20 Stanley

    Free shots are always nice. Here’s a tip for you: refer to Starbucks as Starbuckle from now on, … people will think your sooo cute!

    “I’m going to Starbuckle, want anything?” trust me , people will love you!

    Stanley’s last blog post..Bloom and Knightley Have Night Fever

  21. 21 Singular Girl

    As a non-coffee drinker Starbucks tries to completely un-entice me into their store. Somehow the barristas don’t take pity on you when you stumble in and ask for an iced tea- I don’t understand it- why do they serve other drinks if they don’t want you to order them?

    Singular Girl’s last blog post..Fatal Penis-Size Quarrel

  22. 22 Juliet

    Hi. I have a present for you. Check this out to see it:

    http://whatatragiccomedy.wordpress.com/2008/09/18/kick-ass-blogger-thats-me/

    Juliet’s last blog post..Kick Ass Blogger – That’s Me!

  23. 23 JD

    Natural: FIRST! This is definitely the place to be juvenile. It’s hard charming people with a crease in your face—UNLESS! They do think it’s a scar. Pity? Fear? I don’t care. Gimme free stuff.

    Bucky: I think it would be worth it. If you can’t come by a sleep line naturally, the next best alternative is to disfigure yourself. A stick should do the trick.

    Jeff: Mmm. That sounds good. I use a Starbuck’s card, which is not real money, so I don’t mind how much it costs.

    Broadwaymatron: Interesting! I’ve never tried their beans or ground coffee. You’d think they’d figure out a way to make their regular coffee taste good—but it seems that enough people drink it as it is.

    Shieldmaiden96: Well, now I’m definitely trying me some beans. Tho I’m pretty lazy and hate making my own.

    Regan: You may be too young to look sufficiently tired and haggard—tho I think ANYone can have a sleep line. I would suggest putting off your addiction to coffee for as long as possible. They do have pretty good hot chocolate and muffins.

    ann of the cellphone bag: Agree and agree. I once did the McD’s drive-through in curlers. I know they were all laughing at me.

    Jaffer: Well, aren’t you clever! You get that second cup for free? Maybe I should check out my local mall . . .

    Babs – beetle: OK, now I am REALLY in the mood for hoto chocolate. Does anyone remember Starbuck’s Chantico chocolate drink? It was like hot chocolate taken to the maximum pleasure zone. And, a shot is . . . what. Maybe it’s literally a shot-glass size of espresso. When you ask for an extra shot, you’re getting MORE caffeine.

    The Hawg: Given Starbuck’s prices, pride should never enter into the equation.

    Kathy: Yeah . . . I would be a little concerned about a mid-facial crease. Either you’re doing a faceplant in your sleep or SOMEone’s using your face for a pillow. The yummy add-ons do help, by the way.

    Maureen: Oh, you’re so lucky! Free Starbuck’s! Can you ask your daughter why every barrista makes my latte differently?

    JT: Heh. “Driving zombie.” I like that. It’s a pretty good description. My Starbuck’s is pretty close, so I haven’t risked killing too many people.

    Mike Foster: Well, give it a try! Let us know. Maybe you’ll get an entire free coffee!

    kouji: Yeah, god knows I was frightened when I saw it!

    James: Cool! I checked out that directory and it seems to have a pretty good list of blogs. Thanks for stopping by!

    Scratch Bags: WOOO! Coffee freaks unite! I don’t do the extra shot all the time, but sometimes I really need it.

    Tim: Well, there you go. Try your best to create a sleep crease and I guarantee ANY coffee person will pity you. And . . . mmmmm. Coffee-flavored coffee. . .

    Stanley: I love it! Starbuckle! I’m going to go try it out now!

    Singular Girl: I’ve never gotten anything besides coffee (and expensive baked goods), so I have not noticed the prejudice. Hmmm. Maybe I’ll try ordering one of their new smoothies and see what happens.

    Juliet: Oooh, thank you! And now I’ve also just discovered four cool new bloggers!

  24. 24 thinkinfyou

    I love you blog.What a great concept. Now I know who I can turn to ,to do all the things that scare me!!

    thinkinfyou’s last blog post..What’s All The Buzz About

  25. 25 Jay

    Good grief! You got a coffee with FOUR SHOTS??

    I’m the one who usually asks for a cappuchino with only one shot when I’m in a restaurant. The staff look at me as if I’m nuts, but it’s the way I like it! LOL!

    Hey, we could make a great team – we both get a coffee, and I tell them ‘only one shot for me, but you can put my spare shot into JD’s'!

    Good, eh?

    Jay’s last blog post..ABC Wednesday

  26. 26 Max Coutinho

    LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL extremely funny! I liked it!
    I never visited Starbucks, I am very picky about my coffee (I am Portuguese, the country where coffee tastes better, ok apart from Italy)!

    Loved this post.

    Cheers

    Max Coutinho’s last blog post..Physical World: its purpose

  27. 27 Babs - beetle

    An improvement on the hot chocolate, with piped cream and chocolate powder sprinkled on the top. Once you have extra cream piped on the top, just stick in a large Cadbury Flake!

    It melts as you drink and you need to spoon out the thick chocolate that’s settled on the bottom of the cup ;O)

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Wedding preparations underway

  28. 28 Stephanie in KY

    FOUR shots? If I drink a venti mocha cappucino (with no extra shots) I will be jittery for hours. You are truly a woman to be reckoned with if you can handle four shots! As far as plain unflavored coffee goes, I prefer the Folger’s we brew at home to what you get at Starbuck’s. For mocha cappucino (in the winter) and Frappucino (in the summer), though, Starbuck’s is awesome. And my non-dessert-eating husband loves their cinnamon scones.

  29. 29 JD

    thinkinfyou: Thanks! I love yours, too. That Diva Cup post had me actually breaking into a smile (I have a terrible headache today). And yes, you just come here ANY time you need something scary done.

    Jay: . . . and I’ll have 4 shots so you don’t have to! Hey, we all have a right to our coffee the way we want it. And I don’t always get 4 shots. But anyone with a sleep line must need extra caffeine.

    Max Coutinho: Thank you! I’ve never been to Portugal, but now I feel obligated to go, just for some coffee. It’ll probably be worth it.

    Babs – beetle: FLAKE! When I lived in Ireland, I had ice cream cones with a Flake stuck in them. Oh, Flake. How I miss you. And in hot chocolate yet? That sounds heavenly.

    Stephanie in KY: Your non-dessert-eating husband has excellent taste (except for not loving desserts). The pumpkin scones are really good, too (and have more icing).

  30. 30 DirtyLaundryDiva

    Ha, that is too funny! I am always afraid to go to starbucks when I look like death. I am afraid the snobby poem reading starbucks drinkers in the store will ridicule me or snap photos of me with their Iphones and then publish them on their blog…
    So unless I look top notch I’ll avoid starbucks like the plague, perhaps I need to change my thinking.

    DirtyLaundryDiva’s last blog post..Fucking police, do your job!

  31. 31 Kelly

    is that all i have to do? and here i was flirting with the cute baristas with no results! i’ll have to remember that for next time!!!

    Kelly’s last blog post..OMG! We Can Be BFF’s! Totally!

  32. 32 jennyonthespot

    Those baristas are so sweet…

    jennyonthespot’s last blog post..One Year Later

  33. 33 Florida Girl In Sydney

    So let me get this straight– you order THREE shots???

    I love me some coffee, and I like it strong– but girlfriend, you are the real deal. How could you NOT take the 4th one for free if you’ve already ordered three— you might as well go totally overboard.

    Wow, did you swing from the chandeliers after that? Photos please.

    Florida Girl In Sydney’s last blog post..Things Worth Telling

  34. 34 JD

    DirtyLaundryDiva: Oh, man. I forgot about the poem-reading snobs with iPhones! I bet my horrifying creased face is making the rounds thru the blogosphere even as I type! No, no. You’re right. Next time I got to ‘Bucks, I’m making sure my face is crease-free, even if I have to wear a mask.

    Kelly: They’re immune to flirting. At least from me. Once we reach a certain age, pity is our only hope.

    jennyonthespot: They are, aren’t they? And this one was extremely patient, to boot.

    Florida Girl In Sydney: HA! No photos, I’m afraid. I think my body is resisting caffeine, because 4 shots does NOTHING. Maybe I need to amp it up to 5 . . . ?

  35. 35 Corrina

    Oh how I wish I could have seen you that day! LOL! If I can’t pull off the face fault, I’ll try it with my morning hair. Now THAT’S hot. HA

    Corrina’s last blog post..Brain Leakage

  36. 36 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Hmmm. I am usually trying to figure out how NOT to get a shot.

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Meow Like a Pirate Day

  37. 37 windyridge

    Doncha just LOVE when that happens. And nothing makes it go away…and it gets worse as you age…takes longer to go away since your skin loses it’s elasticity.

    windyridge’s last blog post..Sans Voiture Day

  38. 38 Jesster

    All I have to say is what happened to the Chocolate Brownie Frappacino??!!!! That drink was the bomb!

    Jesster’s last blog post..Of Pigs and Pecuniary Pride

  39. 39 Laura-Junkfoodaholic

    OMG, that was funny! When i go somewhere looking like crap I don’t get nothin! Not fair!!! :)

  40. 40 JD

    Corrina: It was pretty bad. And I think morning here–if it is really bad—will work just as well.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Oh, Daisy! It is not that kind of shot. It’s a GOOD shot, the kind that makes you feel like jumping all around!

    windyridge: It still hadn’t really faded until the end of the day. It was like Phantom of the Opera here.

    Jesster: That sounds awesome! I don’t even remember that—how long ago was it? BRING IT BACK!

    Laura-Junkfoodaholic: Well, this was the first time it happened. Are you sure you’ve never tried it with a deep sleep crease?

  41. 41 Judy K

    Well, up here in the old Pacific NW, just down the road from the Starbuck HQ being a poem reading coffee snob is just the norm. And four shots? puh-lease! that’s an afternoon drink! And no foofy toppings or flavors for me, just that good old coffee flavored coffee, with cream and splenda of course ;op

    However, I did recently get a whole free pound of my beloved Yukon Blend from a delightful androgynous barista. I guess it was when I squealed in disappointment when they mentioned they were discontinuing my favorite coffee. I have found that as I get older, I get free stuff when I am politely saddended.

    As a side note, I came from a coffee drinking family – my brother and I have memories of having coffee in our grade school thermoses. His teacher even asked him to share his one day when the teachers lounge was out of coffee. I had coffee for breakfast with my dad when I started kindergarten and never looked back! :o)

  42. 42 Tim

    Check your email box for a parcel. We sent you a gift basket :)

    Tim’s last blog post..I Do Things Like Send JD a Gift Basket!

  43. 43 Hedon

    First time I went to Starbucks I had no idea what they were talking about when they asked “how many shots” so I just picked a number out of my butt, “Uh… make it six, please.”

    I thought my head would explode… but I still finished it.

    Hedon’s last blog post..What I love about my job

  44. 44 JD

    Judy K: Heh. I quite like this idea of squealing in disappointment. I’ll have to try it, altho I can’t say I approve of your kindergarten-coffee-drinking habit! Isn’t that supposed to stunt your growth or something? Well, you soundnormal. Actually, you sound quite intelligent. Maybe more of today’s youth should be knocking back caffeine at an earlier age?

    Tim: I GOT IT!!! I’m so excited (except by the cherries). Thank you so much! It’s everything I dreamed of and MORE!!!

    Hedon: Of course you finished it! You probably paid about $6 for it, right?

  45. 45 Saskboy

    If we don’t drink coffee, what else can this sleep crease trick be used for to get free? :-)

    Saskboy’s last blog post..Elizabeth May Sorry for Not Smoking Pot ; Wente Gets Greens Wrong

  46. 46 fracas

    Damn. So that’s it. And here I’ve been just going in my pyjamas all along and wondering why I never get anything other than a dirty look. (Guess it might help if it wasn’t 3 in the afternoon at the time…)

    fracas’s last blog post..Oprah Winfrey is not dead. It’s another hoax.

  47. 47 Jenny

    I think my pillow is too smooth to get that kind of a crease. Do hopelessly tangled-up eyelashes on the eye of the side I sleep on count for anything? They’re nearly impossible to get mascara on straight.

    However … I’m not sure that fourth shot would be good for my blood pressure, JD. Come to think of it, I’m not sure the first three won’t give me a stroke.

    Jenny’s last blog post..Post Time

  48. 48 Teresa

    That sounds so much like me. I would do that, but probably be too groggy to even care what they thought at Starbucks. Oh, and I don’t like the taste of their coffee either. I agree with you that all the added stuff is what makes it so good. I prefer the Cafe Mocha with a shot of Vanilla! Yum!!

  49. 49 Teresa

    Here’s to Starbucks and their syrupy coffee concoctions! And here’s to that 4th shot! Cheers!!

    Teresa’s last blog post..3 Little Monkeys

  50. 50 JD

    Jenny: You’d better concentrate your efforts on a delicious smoothie or perhaps a greasy donut, then. 4 shots aren’t for everyone. As for your smooth pillow dilemma, I DO believe that tangled-up eyelashes might earn you a freebie.

    Saskboy: I think the possibilities are endless! Extra cheese on your Subway meatball sandwich! 5 cents off your next gas fill-up! A happy ending during your next massage . . . oops! Perhaps I shouldn’t have gone there. You get the idea.

    fracas! HA! Yeah, there’s a difference between kindly sympathy and disgusted pity.

    Teresa: Oh! That sounds good! I never thought about getting the Mocha with a shot of vanilla. Their Mocha is too Mocha-y for me, but with vanilla . . . hmmm! Everyone! To the 4th shot!!!

  51. 51 Debo Hobo

    I don’t like the taste of their coffee either.

    Debo Hobo’s last blog post..Coffee, Tea & Cover Your Eyes Please

  52. 52 JD

    Debo Hobo: I know of more people who really don’t like the taste of Starbuck’s than who do. I wonder why they’re so popular? Is everyone drinking the sugary, syrupy drinks?


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