I Flush
Published by JD May 9th, 2008 in I Get Personal.Mirror in the bathroom
Please don’t freak
The door is locked
It’s just JD
I have sat on my last wet toilet seat.
I mean it. No more public bathrooms. From now on, I’m just going to hold it. Voluntary urine retention doesn’t cause your bladder to burst, so as long as I can wait till I get home, I’m good to go. Heh.
If you don’t already know, I work from my home, which is awesome for so many reasons, the main one being that my butt spends less time on a public toilet than most other working butts.
I don’t even have to share my bathroom with Dave, as he lives in the basement and has his own bathroom.
Still, if I didn’t work at home, maybe I wouldn’t have to put up with so many maintenance people parading through my house at all hours.
Yesterday the air conditioning guy came by to clean our filter and do whatever else it is air conditioning guys do. The one thing you don’t want them to do is ask this question:
Can I use your bathroom?
Noooooooooooooo!!! No, you cannot! Don’t you have one on your truck? Can’t you just go in the neighbor’s bushes? But of course I have to say yes. He does his thing, while I hop around in agitation and slam some windows to make noise. When he comes out, I pretend to be busy shuffling papers. Oh, you’re done?
He leaves, and I can breathe. Only then do I realize the true horror of the situation: there was no hand towel on the rack, so he must’ve used my BATH towel. Now, you might think this is a worse situation for him; after all, his hands touched the towel that touches my BUTT. Regardless of what you might think, I burn the towel. Then I realize I’m being silly: he might have used my hair towel. So that gets burned too. Not that this guy was dirty or gross or smelly. He was perfectly polite, seemingly clean; he was even wearing those disposable booties. But he used my bathroom AND my towel AND there was a droplet of water on my sink that wasn’t there before SO it doesn’t matter that our air conditioner is in perfect working order, because now we have to move.
Common Toilet Fears
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Have you ever had the going-to-the-bathroom-in-public nightmare? Here’s a toilet straight out of your dreams.
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What if something pops out of the toilet to bite your butt? Beware the butt spider! (PS: it’s not real.)
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THIS! Please don’t click if you’re averse to swearing, drug use, incomprehensible Scottish accents, or watching someone dive into the skeeviest, skankest toilet to retrieve some suppositories. The rest of you? Enjoy!
Fun Toilet Facts
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Toilet water (aka eau de toilette) does NOT come from your toilet. It comes from mine! Just kidding. My toilet water is no more special than anyone else’s.
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The first stall in a public restroom is the least used—and the cleanest (but I’ll bet the seat is still wet).
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40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. What the . . . ?
Please share your toilet horror stories and fears. Has anyone actually been injured by a toilet? I need details! (And pictures.)
* * *
The toilets flush all day at humor blogs.
Never actually been hurt by a toliet..
I do have a fear of being locked in public bathrooms for long periods of time.
Proably the result of the matter actually happening more than once throughout my childhood…
haha.
Oh Boy.
‘If you feel a traffic accident coming on, go to the bathroom first’! ROFL!!
Toilet accident? The nearest I can get is that my son was once slightly injured when a roller towel machine came off the wall as he tried to use it. He was about seven at the time and it hit him on the head.
Luckily it didn’t give him major psychological trauma re public toilets, but he does still hold it against New Zealand, which is where we were at the time.
Jay’s last blog post..Emma Milne and Dogs Today
What… is it my birthday? You’re actually giving me permission to pimp my toilet stories? Anyway, any readers of mine are aware I have many toilet/bathroom issues. Here’s a few of my faves:
Crap! (heh) The first two didn’t work. Let me try again:
pip squeak
price of fame
it wasn’t me
(edited for space not humor—JD)
S.G.: Welcome! Being locked in a bathroom is indeed a terrifying experience. I should know: it happens to me every day. The doorknob doesn’t work properly, but I put up with it, because I hate the thought of a doorknob serviceperson entering my bathroom!
Jay: Welcome to you, too! I know, that warning is hilarious. I guess the best you can do is just go to the bathroom before entering a car—every time, or if you sense an accident is about to happen, let ‘er loose!
Poor son! Interesting that it occurred in New Zealand. Did the water run counter-clockwise?
Jeff: Oh, poo! I hadn’t read that first post and I forgot about the other two, or I would certainly have “tooted your horn.” At least I didn’t inadvertently copy anything.
What can I say. Sooner or later, we’re all going to blog about toilets.
OMG–This made me want to pee my pants!! (Ha!)
I once read that most domestical (home) bathrooms carried more bacteria than public restrooms. I’d agree with that, since my four-year-old boy has some seriously bad aim.
Fashion Paramedic’s last blog post..Am I Eternally Damned?
I just assume and wipe the seat before I sit in a public toilet. Other than a momentary dampness, I’m not too grossed out by the experience.
I shower regularly and wash my hands in public restrooms, so I’m generally fine with it.
I hate when people hover because they are scared of wet seats, and then don’t clean up after themselves, leaving a wet seat!! Can’t they see??
Amber’s last blog post..Vultures are Awesome.
JD - Yes! The water does indeed run the other way down the plug-hole down there!
Fashion Paramedic - ALL four year old boys have bad aim. So do most five, six, and seven year olds. Also eight, nine and ten year olds. In fact, keep right on counting till they leave home, or have to start cleaning their own toilet.
Jay’s last blog post..Emma Milne and Dogs Today
Fashion Paramedic: Better to pee in your pants than a public toilet, I always say!
I’ve heard that same thing about bacteria in bathrooms. That’s why I brush my teeth in our garage.
Amber: You sound very sensible and level-headed. What are you doing here? (kidding!) I have perfected the art of hovering combined with a deadly aim, so I’m not one of those “wet-seat leavers,” whom, I agree, deserve to be hated.
Everyone: check out Amber’s vulture post. It (and they) is/are awesome!
Jay: HA! I knew it. Actually, I’ve been to New Zealand (a long time ago) but forgot to check. Thanks for doing that so I don’t have to. And thanks also for the warning regarding the habits of all males. Ugh, what is wrong with you guys?!
Well, I’ve never really had any toilet mishaps, but I HAVE seen Flushed Away. =) It counts for something, right?
Well! To be honest, I also kind of have this ‘bathroom obsession’! Although not to your extent, but I almost always try my butt’s best (lol) to avoid public toilets as far as possible.
J 4 JOKES’s last blog post..English joke and humor
It’s a shame that voluntary retention doesn’t expand your bladder. I’ve often hoped it would!
Given the choice of public or outside I’d choose outside every time if it was feasible which it rarely is. I prefer public toilets with the paper sanitary seat covers that you can flush away. Otherwise I prefer my own toilet!
I try not to sit at all on the toilet in a public bathroom. I squat and huver and clean up any mess left behind. Although that one time I went out drinking and was a little tipsy, I couldn’t quite hold the squatting position and sat right down on the toilet at a local bar. At the time I said F*- it! The next morning I woke up very disgusted.
I think FashionParamedic did a post about how they have classes that teach women how to pee standing straight up???
Who else but Ewan McGregor could do that scene and STILL look hot?
Every house should have a powder room for guests only. Whenever a stranger asks to use mine, I don’t feel nearly as grossed out because I know my butt won’t be using it.
Susan’s last blog post..Lament Of A Working Mom
I was traveling in England and spent a Sunday in Chester (home of Cheshire cheese). I stopped in at a church to watch a team of bell ringers, and when they’d finished and everyone had climbed back down the spiral staircase to exit, I stopped to use the bathroom, because you never know where you’ll find a bathroom if you need one.
When I came out I saw that everyone else was gone and all the doors were locked. The windows were barred and the thick doors opened to a vestibule instead of the outside, so no matter how hard I pounded nobody could hear me.
I climbed on a chair to a reach window with bars but no glass and called out for help to a couple strolling the city walls; when they laughed at my “joke” I knew it was going to be a long week until the bells ringers returned the following Sunday, but at least I’d have water, a toilet, and all the bibles I could carry.
When an older man walked by a few minutes later I begged him to send someone to let me out and swore I was absolutely not kidding. The minister came and cluck clucked that they should make a habit of checking the bathrooms before locking the doors.
Later it occurred to me that I could have climbed back to the bell tower and rung the bells, which undoubtedly would have gotten me arrested, but at least I’d have been free.
feefifoto’s last blog post..BlogUpp!
I NEVER, let me repeat, NEVER sit on a public toilet. What really grosses me out is trying to take my 3 yr old niece potty in public - it is next to impossible to keep her from touching everything. Then I feel like I must wash every exposed piece of skin on her and then treat with hand sanitizer just to be extra sure!!
Hilarious post, JD! I don’t have as many problems as others do using public toilets. I’m most disgusted by women who leave dribbles behind on the seat. I mean, don’t you look back to make sure it’s clean?!?! Ewwwww.
I could not get through that Trainspotting clip, even though I saw the movie and knew what was coming. I wanted to gag when he gagged, and then I had to click off of it.
I could never, ever, ever use one of those reflective glass walled toilets out on the street. NEVER, EVER, EVER. Not for a million bucks. NEVER. EVER. Did I say NEVER?
Kathy’s last blog post..A Breezy Day in Bag Town
I refuse to use public toilets, unless I am out all day and really can’t avoid it. I then line the seat with toilet paper first - just in case. Even then I don’t sit on it ha ha!
I just had a team of decorators in my home for four days!!!! I hated it and prayed they didn’t miss their aim - or use my towels.
babs (beetle)’s last blog post..Nauseating aromas
Regan: You crack me up. Yes, seeing Flushed Away definitely puts you in the Toilet Experience Club.
J 4 JOKES: Welcome! I am hereby hijacking your phrase “try my butt’s best.” I think it can be applied to many situations, including bathroom obsessions.
Gizmo: Y’know, I was thinking the same thing. I’d love to expand my bladder to the point that I needed to go only once a day. I don’t like the sensation of those paper sanitary covers, but at least they provide a layer of protection. Here’s to our own toilets!
Lisa Lisa: You really have to be careful with the hovering maneuver. Many times in my drunken youth I fell, either on the toilet or (yuk) on the floor.
I’ll have to check out Fashion Paramedic’s post. Tho the squatting is excellent for your quads!
Susan: HA! You’re so right about Ewan McGregor. He brings the hotness, even to a gross-out toilet scene.
I like the idea of a guests-only bathroom. In our next house . . .
feefifoto: Oh, my god, what a story! And how terrifying! Thank goodness that minister let you out. OK, water, a toilet, and Bibles. Not gonna work for me. I would have panicked and died, probably. Thanks for sharing that—it should be a blog post!
Lori: Ah, the innocence of children. They just don’t realize how dangerous this world is, do they? I don’t envy you: I’d probably have to coat the poor kid in a thick layer of antibacterial soap before letting her out of the bathroom.
Thanks, Kathy! Oh, the dribbles. Yeah, come on. You have to turn around to flush, take a quick peek! And clean it up! No one wants to sit in someone else’s urine (or their own, I’m guessing).
babs (beetle): Hee! That’s funny that you hover—even over the papered seat. You can’t be too careful!
Ugh. Aren’t you glad they’re gone? Did you have to burn any towels?
Well, almost. Everything went in the wash immediately! Everything got disinfected also!
babs (beetle)’s last blog post..Doodle You - Beetle
I hate Porta-Potties. A lot. I can’t stand using them. I don’t like to, either. I mean, it smells bad, there’s pee on the floor, no wipes, gross wet toilet paper…. *shudder*
Oh gad. One of my worst recurring nightmares is me trying in vain to find a toilet to use… I look and look, and they are either:
1) incredibly, horribly filthy
or
2) doorless
I have no idea why I keep having those dreams!
Yes, working from home does have its advantages–you can pick your nose all you want and nobody cares.
And ‘Mirror in the Bathroom’ is great song, which reminds me of Grosse Pointe Blank, which reminds me of John Cusack, which reminds me of who I fantasize about on my private toilet seat while working from home.
Meg’s last blog post..Blame It On Your Mother
I have never been hurt by a toilet, but I do live in a house with 2 males that I cannot seem to house train to save my life. The worst is going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and finding out they left the seat up when you fall in and ass touches cold water. There is just no wakeup call in the world like it. You could ask them for the number of times they’ve woken up to my squealing (screaming) because now I have to wash and dry before I can go back bed. Totally ruins a good nights’ sleep.
JT’s last blog post..Fartful Conversations
I think its hilarious that most of you hover like that. You know, your skin can hold out germs unless it has cuts, etc on it. Do you all have cases of chapped a$$, papercut butt or some other condition that would allow the little buggers in?
According to Oprah show, the average kitchen sink has more germs than the toilet. This is why I always hover my hands over the sink and make my children wash the dishes.
Tim’s last blog post..Censor This, You @#$%&*
I loved the pictures. I actually have dreams where I am caught using the restroom in public. I could never get over using the one with the two way mirror. I saw a device once that is made for Women to use when they can’t get to a bathroom. It has a little funnel like thing that you put you know where and a hose connected to it and supposedly you can let fly and write your name in the snow like a man does. I have always wanted to at least try one.
ettarose’s last blog post..Now Women Know Why Men Have Beer Bellies
hold up, you put your butt on public toilets. the whole purpose of leg squats and going to the gym is to make our legs stronger so we can do the “hover”. i will levitate over a toilet if i have to to keep from sitting on it. even with those sheets that you can flush. uh no thank you. burning towels, i would burn my butt if it ever came in contact with a public toilet.
i know how you feel though. funny story, but not funny. it’s funny to read what we might be thinking and what we actually so during situations like this.
thanks for flushing JD, you’re the best. i love that you do things.
Natural’s last blog post..Out of Time
I have a new public toilet game plan now thanks to you. First stall, here I come!
elasticwaistbandlady’s last blog post..From The ‘Cheez-Its, How Many Blogs Can One Woman Possibly Have?’ Files
Only a public toilet user in dire straits. I will hold it, or drive somewhere I’ve scoped out before as cleaner than most. I carry lysol (that itsy tiny new on the go spray thing) and hand sanitizer, and if I am close enough to the car and remember, wipes.
On male inability to hit a target (I remember floating cheerios for just that when Max was learning…) WHAT is with THAT? I mean, isn’t there a hose pipe to point? It would seem so simple, yet no.
Elle’s last blog post..Four Foods on Friday #28
babs (beetle): Much more sensible than burning!
Regan: Oh, boy, do I ever agree. When I did the 3-Day Avon Breast Cancer Walk, we had to use porta-potties—usually ones that had been sitting out, baking in the sun. GROSS!
Maureen: That’s funny! I’m sure there’s a deep psychological meaning to that dream. I don’t know which is worse: a doorless toilet or a filthy one. Both are the stuff of nightmares.
Peg: Hi, and welcome! You wouldn’t believe the things I do in the privacy of my home office. Let’s just say they would get me arrested in a public workplace. John Cusack! Grosse Pointe Blank! English Beat! YES! All great. That was a great soundtrack.
JT: I feel for ya. I couldn’t even tell you if my husband has poor aim or not—he sticks to his bathroom and I stick to mine. I can tell you that his seat is always down, which seems to be a rare thing these days.
Tim: “Papercut butt”—HA! I know, most of us have pretty tough, thick butts that no germ could ever penetrate, but, it’s a girl thing. I heard that about kitchen sinks, too. Where am I supposed to wash my dishes now? In the toilet?
ettarose: Hello! I agree. That two-way mirror toilet is horrifying. I don’t even think I could stand in one, much less pull down my pants and sit. YUCK! As for that funnel thingie . . . that sounds awesome! I need one for my car. You could just trail the hose part out the window, right?
Natural: “I would burn my butt if it ever came in contact with a public toilet.” Oh, my gawd, that is funny. I agree with everything you said. Hover, ladies! Work those quads!
elasticwaistbandlady: Yeah, but now we’re all gonna be headed for the first stall and they won’t be the cleanest anymore! Sssshhh!
Elle: Wait, what? Floating cheerios? You put them in the toilet for him to aim at? Brilliant!
Let me just say that I’ve never been injured by a toilet. However, my feelings about public toilets are at least as strong if not more so then the ones you express. The absolute worse of course is in dive bars - where I sadly use to spend a great deal of time. Now as you well know I just driank at home - nice and close to my own toilet, which it should be noted is currently like new from the weekly sanitizing I give it. I’ve already said too much …
Some of my sisters have cardboard willies! Yes, that’s what they’re called. How do you think female soldiers do it? You can also get them made from a special material that liquid runs off, leaving it totally dry. These are kept in your handbag. I quite fancy the idea of being able to stand and aim! Does that make me weird? My sisters swear by them.
At last wee equality!
babs (beetle)’s last blog post..Doodle You - Beetle
Canucklehead: You can never say too much—especially when it comes to toilets. I’m glad to hear you’re avoiding dive bars—drinking (as all things) is best done close to a clean and personal toilet.
babs (beetle): I have to confess: it’s early, and I’ve had only one cup of coffee. The sentence “My sisters have cardboard wilies” did not quite register. It still may take a while. I never thought about female soldiers, but you’re quite right. Now I want a cardboard willie! We are not weird. Where did your sisters get them???
Well here’s the link to the site. I lied, it’s actually called the ‘P-mate’ but it is affectionately known as “My cardboard willy” by my sister, who claims they are brilliant and save a fortune on incontinence pads. Now that bit was a joke (just in case she stumbles upon this post ha ha!)
http://www.p-mate.com/eng/intro.html
Now watch their sales rocket!
babs (beetle)’s last blog post..Doodle You - Beetle
Cardboard Willy sounds like some kind of venereal disease.
Tim’s last blog post..A Toast To All The Moms
I don’t care HOW reflective that glass is… You ain’t gonna see me in there with my pants down. Unless I’m drunk- then anything goes.
I also used to think that all women who used public restrooms were pigs who peed on the seats. Then I read an article about how public toilets flush with such force that they shoot water up onto the seat. Then I paid attention and saw it in action. Plus, as a woman- I’ve never been able to pee on a toilet seat, even when highly intoxicated.
Oh and FYI - The toilets at TGI Fridays will shoot water onto YOU if you don’t get the hell out of the stall immediately after flushing.
Uh, my link didn’t go through. It’s late… I’m lame. LOL
Butt Spider’s last blog post..Photography Goodness
babs (beetle): Oh, my god! I love the graphics. And . . . “it was developed in connection with the experiences of thousands of women who have tested the P-Mate at grand events, both nationally and internationally”???
WHAT?
Seriously, it looks like a pretty useful product. Thanks for the link!
Tim: Oh, gross. I’ve got a horrifying visual in my head now.
Butt Spider: HA! I thought you were a clever spammer. Yeah, I know about those toilets that shoot water—and TGIF’s isn’t the only place with an exploding flusher. Of course I always employ the “flush with your foot” method, so I’m out of harm’s way, but still. There’s stuff besides toilet water in that explosion!
What was the link?
that’s why I have mastered the art of hovering. (balancing while squatting at least 5 inches above the seat)over a toilet that has been lined with 2 inches of toilet paper.
april’s last blog post..Hoplessly Disturbed
You Asked for it…
Nutjobber’s last blog post..Gragh!
Hurt? Ehhh, no. But I once … ahem. Never mind.
jennypenny’s last blog post..Quick! Kick Him While He’s Down!
april: Your technique sounds impeccable. Now you just have to watch out for the flying butt spiders.
Nutjobber: …and I got it. Thanks!
jennypenny: Come on, come on. You have to tell.
I didn’t read it online, I read it in a magazine… like a million years ago. Of course I can’t even begin to remember where I saw the article. I told you I’m lame.
Butt Spider’s last blog post..Photography Goodness
Butt Spider: Like anyone called “Butt Spider” could ever be lame.