Photo courtesy of maki
No, sillies, I don’t fantasize like that. Tim Gunn is old enough to be my . . . well, geez, he’s only 54. I guess he’s not old enough to be my dad. BUT! He’s gay enough to be my gay best friend.
My fantasies are shared by millions of women. We all want Tim Gunn. We want him to come into our homes and humiliate us.
That is the premise of Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style.
One day, you’re sitting at home in those ill-fitting green sweatpants and nonmatching yellow T-shirt, with your hair in curlers, and your eyebrows at their scraggliest. All of the sudden the phone rings and . . . it’s Tim Gunn! Fortunately a camera crew has been positioned in front of your face to capture your reaction. But still! What a surprise!
Tim and his cohort, Gretta Somebody, actually come to your home to go through your closet and pretty much make fun of everything in it. They make you put on your favorite outfit and then rip it to shreds (not literally—yet.) They force you to throw a bunch of stuff away. Then Tim makes you stand in front of a mirror so he can assess your size and shape.
But all the humiliation is worth it. Maybe. Because then you get to go shopping. Unfortunately, the first stop is for bras, which you are expected to wear ON CAMERA. But then you get to visit top designers such as Cynthia Rowley and Kay Unger and they GIVE you nice clothes! THEN you get hair and makeup done! When you’ve been completely transformed, you get to model your new look for your friends and family, who are shocked and amazed that their ratty friend/daughter/sister could ever look even remotely human.
This is the part where we cry. At least, it’s the part where Tim Gunn cries.
I would love to be on this show. I desperately need a makeover, not to mention free stuff. (One stupid girl even got a RING! An expensive one!) But I can’t imagine parading around on TV in even the most well-fitting of bras, nor would I enjoy being referred to by the ever polite and diplomatic Tim Gunn as “pear-shaped.”
But I do like to fantasize about Tim Gunn rifling through my drawers and closet. What would he say about this top I got on eBay for $3?
Would he burn this “bra” right in front of me?
And what about (gasp!) those infamous holey shorts?
I think it would all be worth it, just to hear Tim Gunn say, “I have to give you a hug.”
JD’s Top 10 Favorite Gunn-isms
- “I’m perplexed.” (No “x” has ever been enunciated with such care)
- “We can’t want you to succeed more than you do.”
- “That looked like it came out of the vomitorium.”
- “I need to go thru your underwear drawer” . . . (followed swiftly by:)
- . . . “Oh, my God, what’s that?”
- “Taste is not a politically correct subject, but without it, we would live in a world of god-only-knows-what hideous drivel.”
- “That’s a lotta look.” (imagine lingering on both “l’s” for about 15 seconds)
- “Miniskirts are for women under 35, tube tops should be banned altogether.”
- “Make it your own and own it!”
- “Booty. I have heard the word, but there was never a context or capacity that caused me to use it.”
What would Tim Gunn say about your closet?