I Fantasize About Tim Gunn

One week he’s in polka-dots
The next week he’s in stripes

Photo courtesy of maki

No, sillies, I don’t fantasize like that. Tim Gunn is old enough to be my . . . well, geez, he’s only 54. I guess he’s not old enough to be my dad. BUT! He’s gay enough to be my gay best friend.

My fantasies are shared by millions of women. We all want Tim Gunn. We want him to come into our homes and humiliate us.

That is the premise of Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style.

One day, you’re sitting at home in those ill-fitting green sweatpants and nonmatching yellow T-shirt, with your hair in curlers, and your eyebrows at their scraggliest. All of the sudden the phone rings and . . . it’s Tim Gunn! Fortunately a camera crew has been positioned in front of your face to capture your reaction. But still! What a surprise!

Tim and his cohort, Gretta Somebody, actually come to your home to go through your closet and pretty much make fun of everything in it. They make you put on your favorite outfit and then rip it to shreds (not literally—yet.) They force you to throw a bunch of stuff away. Then Tim makes you stand in front of a mirror so he can assess your size and shape.

But all the humiliation is worth it. Maybe. Because then you get to go shopping. Unfortunately, the first stop is for bras, which you are expected to wear ON CAMERA. But then you get to visit top designers such as Cynthia Rowley and Kay Unger and they GIVE you nice clothes! THEN you get hair and makeup done! When you’ve been completely transformed, you get to model your new look for your friends and family, who are shocked and amazed that their ratty friend/daughter/sister could ever look even remotely human.

This is the part where we cry. At least, it’s the part where Tim Gunn cries.

I would love to be on this show. I desperately need a makeover, not to mention free stuff. (One stupid girl even got a RING! An expensive one!) But I can’t imagine parading around on TV in even the most well-fitting of bras, nor would I enjoy being referred to by the ever polite and diplomatic Tim Gunn as “pear-shaped.”

But I do like to fantasize about Tim Gunn rifling through my drawers and closet. What would he say about this top I got on eBay for $3?

Would he burn this “bra” right in front of me?

And what about (gasp!) those infamous holey shorts?

I think it would all be worth it, just to hear Tim Gunn say, “I have to give you a hug.”

JD’s Top 10 Favorite Gunn-isms
  1. “I’m perplexed.” (No “x” has ever been enunciated with such care)
  2. “We can’t want you to succeed more than you do.”
  3. “That looked like it came out of the vomitorium.”
  4. “I need to go thru your underwear drawer” . . . (followed swiftly by:)
  5. . . . “Oh, my God, what’s that?”
  6. “Taste is not a politically correct subject, but without it, we would live in a world of god-only-knows-what hideous drivel.”
  7. “That’s a lotta look.” (imagine lingering on both “l’s” for about 15 seconds)
  8. “Miniskirts are for women under 35, tube tops should be banned altogether.”
  9. “Make it your own and own it!”
  10. “Booty. I have heard the word, but there was never a context or capacity that caused me to use it.”

What would Tim Gunn say about your closet?

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50 Comments


50 Responses to “I Fantasize About Tim Gunn”

  1. 1 Jaffer

    I did not laugh until I saw those shorts and you dressed you pillow with it ! :lol:

    Jaffer’s last blog post..Quatrains to Sugar Snap Peas

  2. 2 stephanie barr

    I think my closet would send him into anaphylactic shock. I’m glad you fantasized for me. In my fantasy, he probably wouldn’t survive and that would ruin the fun for everyone else.

    stephanie barr’s last blog post..The Face of God…

  3. 3 Daisy the Curly Cat

    I like the groovy yellow top!

    I wonder if Mr. Gunn would be willing to help a cat?

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Tea Party Scandal

  4. 4 carol at A Second Cup

    He would not get near my closet as it is. My ego couldn’t take the evaluation. I would borrow clothes from one of my more stylish friends and tastefully stage the closet.

    carol at A Second Cup’s last blog post..Tales from the Hormone Front or How Meatballs Saved my Sanity

  5. 5 Shieldmaiden96

    He would probably explain that a 38-almost 39 year old woman should probably not be leaving the house several days a week in shirts with her college logo on them. Or in free sweatshirts from manufacturers of ambulances and heavy rescue trucks. (Thanks, PL Customs, this one is really warm.)

    What would probably cause a fatal embolism is my collection of Walmart bras that all started out white but are now white, pink, and blue, pink from being washed with shop rags and blue from accidentally going in with a sleeping bag. One has an ink stain. One has one hook. All are 2+ years old. Or the jeans with the worn out inseam. I just keep my thighs together so no one sees my repair job.

    Shieldmaiden96′s last blog post..The Audacity of Soap

  6. 6 mlm

    He would probably ask why there are 5-6 different sizes of clothing in there, plus, where did I get all those clothes from the 80′s?

  7. 7 The Incredible Woody

    Yeah, um, no….he’s not gettin’ near my closet!!

    The Incredible Woody’s last blog post..No Title

  8. 8 absepa

    If you want a makeover but aren’t willing to parade around in your bra, you should go for “What Not to Wear.” I love this show so much! There’s no Tim Gunn, but Clinton and Stacy would give you a credit card with a $5,000 limit and take you shopping in New York City. Then, you could get all teary when Nick suggests cutting off your hair. (That’s what most of the women on the show do, at least.) At the end, you would get to have a big party where Dave and all of your friends could ooh and ah over the “new you.” They would make you throw out all of your old clothes, though…particularly the holey shorts.

    absepa’s last blog post..A Paradigm Shift in Household Chores

  9. 9 flit

    I have never ever heard o’ him … but somehow I doubt he would approve of my ~style~

    flit’s last blog post..The Reception

  10. 10 Jaffer

    Hi ! Me again !

    You know what just hit me ? That you’d do a nude beach – but you don’t what to appear on TV even with a bra on ?!

    Olga would be outraged at any bra burning ! No Sugar Snaps for you !

    PS. My Wardrobe is a total mess. I so want to throw out every thing away and start from scratch !
    Hope I have the courage to do that soon – sans Tim Gunn.

    Jaffer’s last blog post..Quatrains to Sugar Snap Peas

  11. 11 Fancy

    Besides What Not To Wear, there’s another show that I can’t remember the name of with Finola What’s her Name that was in that dance movie with John Travolta. I know, I’m very helpful. There is not a chance in heck I’d let anyone with a camera crew look through my clothes!

    Fancy’s last blog post..General whining, way too much personal information, and stuff

  12. 12 Olga, the Traveling Bra

    Oh Dear! I am very concerned about the welfare of the old bras….please don’t tell me they just throw them away!?

    May I suggest a few more
    Thoughtful Alternatives
    to the trash bin.
    Thanks!

    Olga, the Traveling Bra’s last blog post..Happy Birthday to One of The Girls….

  13. 13 Regan

    Well, I do not watch this show. I watch What Not to Wear. I love the people resisting change. “But I don’t wanna change!” And Stacey and Clinton just critisizing everything they wear. I remember tail-girl. The girl who wore the fake squirrel tail or something like that. How could you think that’s cool? I wouldn’t be on that show. They prolly wouldn’t find anything wrong with my closet. Maybe I should have my own show… I should do that. And you can co-star!! It can be called ‘JD&Regan Tell You What You Wear is Ugly!”

  14. 14 JD

    Jaffer: They are pretty funny. I had to figure out the best way to display them. And I wasn’t going to model them!

    stephanie barr: Yes, we need Tim Gunn alive. Tho I’ve seen him get pretty red in the face over some women’s clothes. That’s about as close as he probably gets to anaphylactic shock.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: You might want to write Bravo to see if they would start a show called “Tim Gunn’s to Cat Style.” And you could be his knowledgeable assistant (with the fantastic wardrobe!)

    carol at A Second Cup: That’s what I was thinking, but then maybe he’d refuse to help you. And then you wouldn’t get the free stuff or the emotional fashion show at the end.

    Shieldmaiden96: After clutching his pearls, I think poor Tim Gunn would faint dead away at the sight of your ink-stained bra. I have a pair of jeans like that, too. I also have a beloved sweater with holes in the armpits. I just keep my arms down.

    mlm: Heh. I don’t think I have anything left from the 80s except my pink bandana, but I do have a wide array of sizes. I KNOW I’ll fit into those green pants some day!

    The Incredible Woody: He can be very persuasive, tho. And before you know it, you’ll be confessing your worst fashion sins.

    absepa: I’ve never watched that show, but it sounds PERFECT! (except for no Tim Gunn). Wow, I could buy a lot of eBay tops for $5,000. I’d even let them cut off my hair AND I’d cry for them, if that’s what it took. I want to be a new me!

    flit: Well, you never know. Tim Gunn is full of surprises. He refused to let a rocker chick keep her leather jacket, but he DID cut it up and use the leather to make her a cool handbag!

    Jaffer: And, THAT, my friend, is the hypocrisy of a nudist female. Yes, I would rather be NAKED in public than wear a bra on TV.

    Fancy: I’ll have to see if I can find that show. I know who you mean: that Finola Something or Other. I can see her. No, I want Tim Gunn or nobody. Except maybe the Queer Eye guys.

    Olga, the Traveling Bra: I’m sure Tim Gunn would never throw away a bra. It’s all just for show. Thank you for the link. I think my personal bra would make a lovely COIN purse.

    Regan: HA! That’s a great idea. You can represent the younger viewpoint, and I can address the “mature” woman. Now, about this “tail girl.” Where exactly did she wear the tail?

  15. 15 Lidian

    Um, if he saw my closet – which he ain’t – he would have a Grade A conniption fit.

    And so would I.

    Hey, wouldn’t that make some fun TV viewing?

    I didn’t really think so.

    I loved your post mucho.

    Lidian’s last blog post..The Secret Life Of Smokey The Bear

  16. 16 Babs - beetle

    We have a similar thing in the UK, but it’s two nasty women, who tell you what a mess you are ;O)

    I think, if they came to my house they would ask where my wardrobe of ‘current’ clothing is ha ha!

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..A House in North London – Part 2

  17. 17 Regan

    On the back of her pants, of course. She was one of those people who resisted change, but went with it at the end and ended up liking it. It’s been on a few reruns. You’ll know its her by the tail. Trust me.

  18. 18 Lena

    I think the name of that Finola show is ‘How Do I Look?’

    My friends and I have often plotted to snag some time with Tim Gunn by purposefully making one of our wardrobes much much worse for several weeks. Unfortunately, we also adore him so much that we don’t have the heart to trick him.

    Still, I would do pretty much any other awful, awful thing for a few minutes with him. He’s so stylish and polite and intelligent….swoon….

  19. 19 jennyonthespot

    Are those shorts really yours? C’mon… REALLY???

    Also… uh…. That Divine Caroline site…. My husband nominated me. Uhh… because I asked him to. Just so happens to be in the same category as YOU. Ooops. Good thing I already voted for ya… *wink*

    Heehee… I wonder if we can make there be a perfect tie? :)

    jennyonthespot’s last blog post..Vlogging on the mind, and self-promotion.

  20. 20 Kelly

    oh my, i just read all ten of those in tim’s voice in my head. is that sad? i heart tim gunn!

    Kelly’s last blog post..Throwback Thursday

  21. 21 cardiogirl

    I would bet my life that Tim would invoke the name of Sporty Spice if he had the chance to peruse my wardrobe. He would most definitely cross his arms across his chest while putting his thumb under his chin and his index finger on his temple.

    But I truly watch for Tim’s diction. He really could read the phone book and I would watch lovingly.

    And as Kelly pointed out, I too heard Tim’s voice read those statements.

    And I know EXACTLY what you mean about the x’s:

    “I’m perplexed.” (No “x” has ever been enunciated with such care)

    He really would be perplexed at my house.

  22. 22 Kathy

    I would show Tim my closet, the walk-in with a 35″ TV sitting in the middle of it. Why do I have a giant TV in my closet? Because it’s too heavy to move downstairs. How do I get to all my clothes if the TV’s in the way? I don’t. Those clothes are from 1995, so I need not go there. Where do I keep all the clothes I do wear? Stuffed in drawers or the bathroom closet or a pile on the bed or the laundry room. I need an intervention in more ways than one.

    Nice shorts. Do you enjoy the draft? Mine provide just the right amount of circulation.

    Kathy’s last blog post..Melon Head or Not?

  23. 23 Stacey Kimmel-smith

    How long have you been homeless?

    Stacey Kimmel-smith’s last blog post..America’s Next Dancing Dressage Star

  24. 24 JD

    Lidian: No, I don’t think I’d enjoy seeing either you OR Tim Gunn having a Grade A (or B) conniption fit on my TV. However, there are certainly other TV personalities I’d like to see freak out and explode. Does Rosie O’Donnel have a show yet? Anyway, thank you very much.

    Babs – beetle: Heh. Two nasty women does not sound fun. That’s what’s so great about Tim Gunn. He’s very diplomatic and sensitive—and yet still he can’t help sometimes just fainting dead away. If your wardrobe is full of those cute 60s clothes, I’d keep ‘em!

    Regan: OK, I’ll watch for it. I have to admit: I do rather like those raccoon hats with the tail. But I wouldn’t wear it on my butt.

    Lena: Oh, I agree! Even if all he could say to me was how awful I looked and how wretched my clothes are, I’d drink it all in. TIM GUNN!

    jennyonthespot: Yes, those shorts are mine. But I don’t wear them anymore . . . much. You really can barely see the hole, because the shorts are baggy. Hmmm. Oh, and about Divine Caroline: I nominated myself! And I just voted for you. I’d be thrilled to tie with you (I certainly don’t expect to win). We’ve gotta get you on the front page of the “Play” category, at LEAST!

    Kelly: Me, too! I’m so glad you could “hear” his voice. It makes the sayings that much better.

    cardiogirl: HA! I just knew you were another Tim Gunn fan, despite your Sporty Spice wardrobe (better than Scary Spice?) I would love to hear Tim say my name (not “JD” but my REAL name): “But, Juuulia, I don’t understand why you would keep these shorts? They’re absolutely aPALLing!” Sigh.

    Kathy: Oh, my god. You really do need Tim. Maybe instead of a new wardrobe and makeover you’ll just get an addition onto your house. Of course, you won’t need it after he makes you throw away the 1995 clothes. Hey! I know those shorts!

    Stacey Kimmel-smith: Er . . . I’m not really homeless, I only dress that way!

  25. 25 Caribbean Holidays

    I have never heard of Tim Gunn but I just found it funny that you had taken a photo of your pillow dressed in a pair of holey shorts :P

  26. 26 Jenn

    He’s be crying from the moment he stepped inside. He would want me to actually wear colors other than black, darker black, purple, burgundy purple, and purple black. Okay, sometimes green.

    He would expect me to throw out my Edward Scissorhands t-shirt, which I am too old to be wearing but I only wear around the house and so no one sees, so it’s okay right?

    He would probably approve that I wear flared jeans, so as not to look like a giant ice cream cone. I at least would have that.

    Jenn’s last blog post..The Home Stalking Network

  27. 27 Swedish Skier

    A- No one’s getting me on TV in my undies.
    B- There are multiple 30+ year old items in my closet
    C- I still have a t-shirt from middle school
    D- If they touched any of these things, we’d have a serious problem on our hands.

    That said, I’d love to see what he’d do with my gansta ski clothes…? Would he know about ski styles? I’m guessing not. But it’d be interesting to see.

    Swedish Skier’s last blog post..Friday Quotes

  28. 28 brooke

    Make it work girl strut down that runway.

  29. 29 Condo Blues

    I love how Tim Gunn can insult you and his voice is so eliquent (sp?) that it makes you want to say, “thank you.” He even made the phrase, “bitch slap” sound nice and not snarky.

    My favorite episodes to date are the ones where two women who wore nothing but high end designers couldn’t put together an outfit to save their lives! And they couldn’t recognize that fact after some tough talk from Tim Gunn that they had to see past the labels and recognize that the fit and style of the garments were wrong for them. A lesson for us all.

    Condo Blues’s last blog post..Have You Ever Put An Active Dog On Complete Bed Rest? It’s Not Easy…

  30. 30 Tom @ Chinese Zodiac Marriage Combinations

    um… would I be giving a bad impression if I asked where one could acquire a pair of those shorts with the intriguingly-placed hole in them? Good. So, where? I mean they’re for a friend..

    Tom @ Chinese Zodiac Marriage Combinations’s last blog post..Zodiac Matches for Men Born Under the Pig Sign

  31. 31 JD

    Caribbean Holidays: Yes. Funny and somehow also very sad. I still haven’t gotten rid of those shorts either. I just can’t bear to part with them. WHY?

    Jenn: I’m sorry, but I really think Tim Gunn would disapprove of your Edward Scissorhands T-shirt even if no one ever sees it. Somehow, he would come up with a reason. But he would definitely approve of doing whatever necessary to keep from looking like an ice cream cone. (I am an upside-down ice cream cone, I guess.)

    Swedish Skier: I suspect Tim Gunn knows everything about ANY kind of clothing. Having said that, he might just adore your gangsta ski-wear. There’s only one way to find out, tho.

    brooke: You know I will!

    Condo Blues: I didn’t see that episode, but I will seek it out. There’s nothing I love more than seeing Tim Gunn give the verbal (but always eloquent) “bitch slap” to know-it-alls.

    Tom @ Chinese Zodiac Marriage Combinations: Well, if they’re for a friend . . . You know, it was my husband who pointed out the hole (it was in the rear) and so I started wearing them with the hole in front, so I could sort of cover it up more easily. They’re really versatile!

  32. 32 Jeff

    I’m so glad you’re fantasizing about this guy so I don’t have to. Cause I don’t want to. ;-)

    Jeff’s last blog post..I don’t understand it but I sure ain’t complaining!

  33. 33 Partner of a Pilot

    Found your site through the ‘Not a Girl, Not yet a Wino’ blog. I love your blog! It’s fantastic to find something that makes me laugh out loud!

  34. 34 chat blanc

    I love, love, LOVE Tim Gunn! I want him to be my personal stylist. Although I’m sure he would be horrified to see what I’m wearing right now. He’d just have to get over it. :)

    chat blanc’s last blog post..I never cease to amaze me

  35. 35 Susan

    It’s amazing what people will do to get on TV. There is no way I’d let a camera crew near my closet in it’s current state. Even less chance I’d go on half-naked.
    Do they reorganize your closet, or just focus on the clothes? Because that’s where I really need help.
    And that yellow shirt? I think you overpaid by a couple of bucks.

    Susan’s last blog post..Dear Santa:

  36. 36 JD

    Jeff: I just sent Tim Gunn that photo of you with your brother and grandmother. Expect a film crew in the morning.

    Partner of a Pilot: Wheee! Thank you! And thanks for introducing me to two new blogs: yours and “Not Yet a Wino,” which, by the name alone, I can tell is going to be great.

    chat blanc: YES! Tim Gunn 4-ever! I think Tim Gunn is pretty resilient. Look at what he has to deal with on Project Runway. Um . . . what are you wearing right now?

    Susan: Oh, SNAP! But maybe you’re right. I don’t think they do any organizing, other than organizing your clothes into trash bags. Which is a start.

  37. 37 Carla

    Wow. you’re good. I don’t even know who Tim Gunn is, cuz you’re doing it for me.

    Carla’s last blog post..Math Camp? Who knew! Part 1

  38. 38 Kelly

    I don’t know who this Tim Gunn character is, but looking into my closet and dresser drawers would probably send him into cardiac arrest. :)

    Kelly’s last blog post..Alone

  39. 39 JD

    Carla and Kelly: You need to make Tim Gunn your new best gay friend. I’ll do it for you—THIS TIME—but in the future, please brush up on your Gunn-isms. There may be a contest!

  40. 40 NaTuRaL

    I’m gonna have to go Yahoole this Tim character, don’t know who is is, but from your post I have a good idea what he does.

    i’m not going to touch those holy shorts, gonna behave, probably could use a pair. maybe i’ll just start cutting away at the pair i do have.

    what would tim say about my closet? he would probably ask if i’m a member of some accountant gang…hence the suits and the conservative look. he would tell me to show some leg, hike my skirt up a bit above my knee, some skin and wear some tighter stuff

    i would turn to him and tell him to check the other closet.

    my clothes are boring for my age.

    NaTuRaL’s last blog post..Being Human In the Age of the Electronic Mob

  41. 41 JD

    NaTuRaL: I would pay a lot of money to put you on the Tim Gunn show. How entertaining would that be? I’m not saying you need a makeover or new wardrobe, but I have a feeling you and Tim would get along great and make for unforgettable TV.

    Here is Tim Gunn free-associating:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mw_73so89qE

  42. 42 Natural

    oh i do need a makeover and a new wardrobe. make it happen and i’ll show up. have your people call tim’s people.

    people (who offer no financial assistance) tell me: oh you would look so much nicer with makeup.

    Natural’s last blog post..Being Human In the Age of the Electronic Mob

  43. 43 Sue

    He would wonder with all of his might, why on earth my husband insists on hanging up t-shirts, but his daughter’s dresses he will roll into a ball and stuff into their dresser. As far as my stuff…..does one need to own that many hooded sweatshirts? And the answer is a resounding YES.

  44. 44 Angelika

    I want that bobblehead! Get it for me so I don’t have to. Thanks! :-)

  45. 45 JD

    Natural: OK, my people are on it. Do you think it matters that my people are actually cats? As for going without makeup, yeah, I hear that, too. But when I put on makeup, I look like a clown. Is there no happy medium??? (there probably is)

    Sue: Hear, hear! Women cannot live without the hooded sweatshirt! As for me, I hang up all my workout clothes (can’t show up at the Y in a wrinkled T-shirt) but my skirts are crammed into a smaller closet where they inevitably turn into a wrinkled mess—and I do not iron.

    Angelika: Isn’t it awesome! Technically I can’t get it for you, but YOU can get it here.

  46. 46 Lin

    Guess who MET Tim Gunn this past February? Guess who had his picture with Tim? AND he told me I “looked lovely”!!! Got that going for me. He is as nice in person as he appears on TV. Great guy–very gracious. LOVE him!!! I have our photo on my blog–past posts, somewhere.

  47. 47 JD

    Lin: WOW! I am so jealous—which was your goal all along, right? I’ll have to dig thru your blog to find that post and photo. Good for you! I think one’s life can only be improved by meeting Tim Gunn.

  48. 48 Lin

    Check out http://www.duckandwheelwithstring.blogspot.com for a June 7, 2008 posting called “Big Hollywood Party Type” for my infamous pic w/Tim Gunn. Or not. The posting doesn’t have much to do with Tim, but it does show my big Brush With Greatness.

  49. 49 JD

    Lin: That is an AWESOME picture of both of you! If I had such a photo, it would probably be my blog header. I admire your restraint. Tim Gunn!

  50. 50 Michael

    I wonder wheather Mr. Gunn would help me marring a younger wife,just a joke. Maybe I have to sort of my drobe at once.


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