I Faked a Concussion

Tell me why, tell me why, why d’you have to lie?

Gather ’round, everyone, and hear the tale of a 10-year-old JD: a lying, faking, selfish monster of a child who needlessly worried her parents and spent innocent taxpayer’s money, just for a little attention.

Kids! Craving Attention?

You will need:

  • 1 head
  • the ability to lie (does not have to be convincing)
  • 1 or 2 loving but gullible parents

Like many of you, both my parents worked during my childhood. I was too young to be grateful (“Pork chops AGAIN?!”), but I never questioned it. It’s just the way things were. When I was wee, I had a babysitter named Mrs. Peterson, and her breasts were so huge that when her cleavage was exposed (which was a disturbing amount of the time), I thought she had a second butt on her chest. ‘Cuz, you know, it looked like a butt. ANYway, fast-forward to when I was 10. By this time I was hanging out at my friend Rhonda’s house after school until my parents came home. Rhonda’s mom was a drunk, but that was better than nothing.

Until.

I fell off the picnic table.

Like most 10-years-olds, I was physically indestructable, so it was no big deal. But Rhonda’s mom made a big deal out of it, and I rather liked it. It was the sort of attention I felt I was sorely missing from my own parents, who were selfishly working to put pork chops on our table. My young brain began to spin a web of deception.

“Owwww! My head!”

I envisioned spending the week in bed with a giant bandage wrapped around my head, while my mom catered to my every whim, including dragging the TV into my bedroom. My brother would be so jealous! My friends would be so jealous! Jealous, jealous, jealous!

I staggered around dizzily, pretending to see butterflies and spots. I told Mrs. Rhonda my head hurt. Everything was blurry.

When my parents got home from work, Mrs. Rhonda nervously told them what had happened. By this time, I was in full performance mode.

“Mom? Is that you? I can’t really see . . .”

My parents were sort of terrified. YESSS! They drove me to the hospital and got me settled into the waiting room, all the while asking me anxious questions:

“How many fingers am I holding up?” (two)

“Um . . . four?”

“What color is my coat?” (green)

“Um . . . blue?”

Damn, I was good! I settled back in my seat, waiting excitedly for the head bandaging to begin. Neither parent took their eyes off me. The looks on their faces! They were so worried. We’d probably stop at McDonald’s on the way home! And my brother would be so jealous!

In the examining room, the doctor checked me over and asked more “how many fingers” questions. By now I had it down pat. It never even occurred to me that the doctor might think I was lying. My parents believed me. Mrs. Rhonda had believed me. I was starting to believe me. After all, I had fallen off a picnic table! I probably really had busted my head. The fact that I didn’t have any symptoms should not stop me from getting the attention I so desperately needed.

I was getting sleepy. It’s tough work being a big, fat liar. I wanted my bandage and my McDonald’s. I wanted to be home where my mom could fuss over me.

“Well, she may have a concussion,” the doctor said.

What? That’s the first time I’d heard that word, and it sounded horrifying. What the hell kind of doctor was this? Where was my bandage? A concussion? Am I going to die?

“I think we’ll keep her overnight for observation just to be safe.”

Uh, no. No, no, no. This is not the plan. Just bandage my head and send me home. I do NOT want to stay here! Mom! Dad! Where are you going? Don’t leave me alone!

But it was too late. I was in too deep. I couldn’t admit to faking the whole thing now. I had to go through with it.

It was the longest night of my life. I didn’t sleep. At one point, I called a nurse and told her I was scared. She brought me some aspirin and sat with me for a while. My roommate kept throwing up what looked like raw eggs. I was convinced the doctor knew I’d been lying and was punishing me by making me stay there. Despite my selfish tendencies, I did have enough self-awareness to appreciate the irony of the situation.

When morning came a thousand years later, my family pediatrician popped in. He looked me over and pronounced me perfectly fine. While he didn’t outright call me a liar, you could kinda tell he knew.

And as if the previous hellish night hadn’t been punishment enough, when I stood up to get dressed, my pajama bottoms fell to the floor. My 10-year-old bottom-half nakedness was on full display to the entire room, which included my roommate’s family, extended family, friends, and neighbors. OK, God. I get it. I suck.

*        *        *

PS. Many years later, I confessed to my mom what I was sure she must’ve either already suspected or at least figured out some time later. I had made the whole thing up! It was all an act! Wasn’t that funny? Um, no. My mom got really mad. But I was only 10! It was a cry for attention. No dice. She had really believed me and was really upset. To this day she brings it up at family gatherings to make me feel bad. And I do. Sort of.

*        *        *

Did you pull any attention-getting stunts? Were you a good liar? Would your parents have bought this crap? Most important: Was I really a rotten kid or just kind of pathetic?
_______________________________

I doubt anyone at Humor-Blogs has EVER lied.

Be Sociable, Share!



79 Comments


79 Responses to “I Faked a Concussion”

  1. 1 Kathy

    And this is why you’re my all-time favorite writer/blogger. I loved every word of this story. It’s going in my Top 10.

    You were neither rotten nor pathetic. I love that you tried to keep the lie alive. You are nothing if not dedicated. I say “Congratulations! Good show!”

    My dumb lie? Probably 7 years old. I called the police and whispered “I need help!” then hung up. Hee hee. So funny, that Kathy. Well, police have caller call back. When my mom asked “Did you just call the police?” I actually said no. Sitting on the floor next to the phone, I said no.

    Kathy’s last blog post..Do You Hate Me?

  2. 2 Natural

    you are too funny. i can’t read your posts at work, they are only used to me smiling quietly doing the devil’s work, not laughing out loud!!!!

    great story jd.

    let’s see, i faked that my hand got slammed in the trunk when my mom was closing it. well she didn’t like it and used her hand to spank my behind. i didn’t like that.

    my mother knows when i’m lying. even before i do. she’s a smart woman.

    no mcdonalds for me and i don’t even know if i got dinner that night.

    …oh and in my house it was chicken. i didn’t appreciate the “stinkin’ chicken” as i often referred to it.

    Natural’s last blog post..You’re So Vain You Probably Think This Post Is About You

  3. 3 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Daisy’s mom here:
    Growing up with a twin brother and another brother one year younger, it seemed there was always someone with a laceration or a broken bone, so it got to be routine. One day, around dinner time, my twin brother came in from riding his skateboard saying, “Mom, I wiped out.” My mom took a look at his arm, saw it was broken, and just said “Lie down and I’ll take you to the ER after dinner.”

    My younger brother was always pulling some crazy stunt. Once, he dove into the bathtub backwards because he wanted to be like Jacques Cousteau. Result: Stitches on the chin.

    Maybe if I had tried the fake-concussion stunt it would have gotten me a little attention. Or maybe not.

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Baking Christmas Cookies

  4. 4 Stephanie Barr

    You think you suck. I don’t even have a story to tell you. I was a pathetic child and think I was born at the age of 27. I never faked an illness (though I faked a wellness so I could go to school). I never lied to get out of anything. If I failed to do something I was supposed to, it was because I was prematurely senile, starting at the age of four.

    I remember the time I had stomach flu. I woke up in the middle of the night, wondering why I woke up, then threw up. Oh, that’s why. Did I go get someone and demand attention? No, I didn’t want anyone know, so I cleaned it up. In the dark, with a fever of 104. I soaked the throw pillow that got splashed with rubbing alcohol so no one would know. Then, I went downstairs to wait until it was late enough to let my parents know I was sick. I thought I waited until 5, but it was 3 (I had a fever remember). My sister was already sick, but I was letting them know.

    And I still never told them I threw up in bed. Until now if they happen to be reading this.

    Being sick in my family was no fun. I had six younger brothers and sisters and someone was ALWAYS sicker than I was. I did a lot of fending for myself.

    Someday, I’ll have to tell you how I tried to find the cure for Chicken Pox.

    God, what a geek I am.

    Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..Stealing with Style…

  5. 5 April

    Did you pull any attention-getting stunts? More than I can even remember. But back then I really didn’t get that it was attention I was trying to get. There was no cognitive process that made me go, oh if I sneak out of the house at night/beat up my sisters/fake illnesses/run away from home/use drugs that any of those things would make my mother notice me. But in hind-sight I totally see that’s what I was doing.

    Were you a good liar? Uh, yea I think I was. I hope my kids aren’t as good at lying as I was. heh.

    Would your parents have bought this crap? Probably.

    Most important: Was I really a rotten kid or just kind of pathetic? Neither. You were a kid and I love your stubborn determination to go through with it. Again, I hope that my kids aren’t as good as you were at faking. :)

    Hilarious story, glad you shared!

  6. 6 The Hawg!

    This sounds like the kind of nonsense my kids would pull! I could see either one of them doing it, in fact.

    The Hawg!’s last blog post..It’s fun to watch another dysfunctional bunch of sports fans for a change

  7. 7 Stephanie Barr

    Damn it, I meant to say, “I DON’T think you suck!” Damn this inborn senility! Curses! I don’t! Seriously! I should be beaten with a stick for my crappy fingers and my lack of proofreading! DON’T HATE ME! Wait, on rereading it, I didn’t actually say you sucked (which you didn’t). I think I meant to include that I did, however, but you probably got that from the story.

    I forgot to answer your other questions, too, past the “did you do things to get attention” question. I am, in fact, a superlative liar because I almost never do so (except on paper) so no one sees it coming. My parents would have completely bought it but would have put me in a dark room to either sleep it off or die in a nice convenient way.

    *Sigh* You were neither a rotten kid or pathetic and I hope my kids grow up like you do with enough sense of self-worth to look out, at least a little, for themselves. (I didn’t learn to do it until I was over thirty and that was stupid on my part.) And you LEARNED. Nothing pathetic about that.

    Maybe I need a do-over

    Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..Stealing with Style…

  8. 8 The Incredible Woody

    No comment.

  9. 9 Prefers Her Fantasy Life

    Oh, so you needed attention as a child? That explains the nude beaches and the blog etc!

    When I was a teen I tried to shoplift George Harrison’s All Things Must Pass by simply walking out of the anchor store into the mall with it in my hands.

    I got caught and lied to both the department store security and my parents. Told them that since there were no outside doors I merely forgot I was exiting the store and entering the mall.

    It worked, and even if it hadn’t, well, all things do pass. ;)

    Prefers Her Fantasy Life’s last blog post..If It’s Too Good to be True…

  10. 10 Puglette

    Thanks for the very funny story! By the time I showed up my parents were too tired to care about what I did…my siblings are (and were) 22 years older, 20 years older and 11 years older than I am. My sister still carries a grudge about all the stuff I got and all the stuff I got away with. Plus! I had a terrible childhood disease and got tons of attention for that. I had polio as an infant.

    I was kind of bratty, I still am ;o)

    When I was about 10 I had a feud with the neighbor girl, we would still play together since we lived in a rural area and kids were sparse. One day after playing, she irritated me some how and I picked up a big rock, when she bent over I dropped it on the back of her head. She dropped, just like said rock! I ran into my house and locked all the doors, by the time she recovered she couldn’t get me and I just hid until she left. It was pretty much all out war after that. ;o)
    hugs,
    puglette!

  11. 11 JD

    Kathy: Aw, thanks. That really does mean a lot to me. It’s just one of those stories that told itself. You can’t make up stuff like this (unfortunately). I love your story! I can just picture young Kathy, whispering into the phone. HA!

    Natural: Poor Natural. No McDonald’s! As I recall, I don’t think I got McDonald’s the following day, either. “Stinkin’ chicken.” Hee! You ungrateful brat!

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s Mom: That backwards bathtub dive sounds pretty dangerous. I think your brother’s lucky he only needed chin stitches. I love that your mom just told your other brother to lie down. Like, it’s an EMERGENCY room! You’re s’posed to go there right away!

    Stephanie: You were a mature kid, weren’t you? If I had thrown up in bed, there would have immediately followed a loud, whiny “Moooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmm!” Clean up my own throw up? That’s what Moms are for. And I think I see another “steal from your comment” post on the horizon for you, my dear.

    April: Thanks for sharing YOUR thoughts. I don’t really think I understood that I was doing it for attention at the time. But there was a subconscious need to do it. I’m still a pretty good liar, for what that’s worth. I’m glad you see me for what I was: just a kid. I wish my mom could!

    The Hawg!: Do you think you’d fall for it? My parents were smart, but they still believed me. To this day, I can’t believe it. I don’t even know where I got the idea!

    Stephanie Barr: Don’t worry! That’s how I took it: ie, You think YOU suck? You’re sweet. And I wish you could get a do-over just to be more of a kid. I don’t know how much I learned. Like you, I’m a good liar and people rarely see it coming. That makes it irresistable!

    The Incredible Woody: Really? None? Are you thoroughly disgusted?

    Prefers Her Fantasy Life: HA! Yes, maybe that does explain a lot! That’s a great excuse for shoplifting. Maybe I’ll try it with an iPod touch or something. I haven’t lost my flair for lying!

    Puglette: Oh, my gosh, what a story! Did you worry that you’d killed her or just that you’d get in trouble? That’s exactly how I would’ve reacted: run, hide, wait for it to blow over. I’m so sorry to hear you were such a sick little kid. I hope you enjoy better health now.

  12. 12 Regan

    I got alot of attention as a kid. Well, I sort of still am a kid. I’m a pretty good liar, tho. I think my mom would remember my attention grabbing stunts more than me, but I think I’ve pulled a few.

    I think you were just despartate. It doesn’t really matter when it makes a funny story many years later.

  13. 13 Jen

    That is too funny! Serves you right I can say as a parent but as the kid I once was rock on!

    I didn’t fake injuries but then I didn’t need to. I have more scars from stitches than I can count. I never actually went to a hospital until my first child was born. How’s that you say? Dad being the surgeon just stitched us up at home. No anesthesia, no nurse holding my hand, no lollipop. I did fake being sick all the time however but that had more to do with wanting to miss school than anything else. And if I was sick I did get the tv rolled into my room, though I’d have to move it myself. I had the whole thing down at a young age. The night before I’d say my stomach hurt or my eye hurt or something hurt, not bad though because I really wanted to go to school (wink wink). I’d wake my parents in the middle of the night and tell them I couldn’t sleep because whatever it was hurt so badly. I’d keep them up half the night so I must have been sick and they were too tired to know the difference.

    Jen’s last blog post..Damn Cat

  14. 14 haleyhughes

    JD, you not only have a hilarious blog, but you have hilarious commenters, too.

    Me? I’ve got nothing. I was the kid trying not to be noticed. Just call me wallpaper.

    haleyhughes’s last blog post..The last candle

  15. 15 Christa at Giggle On

    First off, I feel you about the pork chops. We ate a lot of those and they were always dry. We had our share of tacos, sloppy joes and Toasted-Os (the generic brand Cheerios).

    I rubbed poison ivy all over myself in grade school to avoid something or other. I dunno if I was trying to get attention – get out of taking a test or perhaps I was trying to skip out on the menstruation movie the nuns planned to show us in the basement of the moldy old library.

    That was the WORST case of the ivy I ever had. I haven’t tried that stupid act again, although, I have a laundry list of attention getting schemes…..but….I’ve already said too much.

    Thankfully my Mom can’t get on the net to read this. She’ll NEVER know. Muah-ha-ha-ha!

    Christa at Giggle On’s last blog post..Brain Farts

  16. 16 Musing

    Oh, my, that’s funny!

    I am a terrible liar. I think the only time I got away with it was when I rubbed the thermometer between the folds of my shirt really fast to make it look like I had a temperature so I could go home from school and watch the Brady Bunch.

    Musing’s last blog post..Narcissus Unleashed

  17. 17 Tim

    I feel for your 10 yr. old self. Hospitals are a hard row to hoe. I wonder if your adult nudist adventures are in any way related to this undie expose? Would you know if it was?
    All of my lies, faking sick and trouble making would fill a book. And I’m talking a 600+ page Steven King Length epic adventure. I think in grade 8 I managed to fake sick enough that I got a whole month off school that year. Maybe my parents and teachers were extra gullible or something…
    I think my kids wish we could afford pork chops! Those things are darn expensive.

    Tim’s last blog post..Innisfail Mother Disciplines Child in Public – Yay!

  18. 18 chat blanc

    You were only ten, but honey, that was a FABULOUS performance!! You tugged at all the right parental heart strings and working mom guilt. :) I’m impressed!

    chat blanc’s last blog post..The un-goddess

  19. 19 JD

    Regan: Thank you. I was pretty desperate. And I may have been a bit of a troublemaker. But you’re right: As long as I get a good blog post out of it, who cares?!

    Jen: Wow, if I’d grown up at your house I would’ve done everything in my power NOT to get hurt! Kidding: I’m sure your dad was very capable, but . . . no lollipops? That’s harsh. As for your fake sick routine: VERY impressive. Kids today need to know. You can’t just wake up in the morning and say you’re sick. You have to very carefully lay the groundwork.

    haleyhughes: Thank you and I agree! I LOVE my commenters. They rawk. It’s funny, I was kind of wallpaper-ish myself for much of the time. But every now and then, I felt the urge to break out.

    Christa at Giggle On: YES! Dry porkchops! Exactly. I would’ve killed for tacos. I probably would’ve pulled the poison ivy scheme if I’d known about it. Good one!

    Musing: Did it work? I don’t remember ever having a fever as a child, so I usually went with the stomach ache, which was harder to disprove.

    Tim: Hmmm. You are not the first to connect the hospital trauma with my current naked frolics. There could be some sort of deep-seated psychological link. I dunno. These were pretty rank pork chops. Mostly bone and gristle. And maybe they weren’t that expensive back then.

    chat blanc: Aw, thanks! It scares me a little that I was so good at lying. But the ability has served me well in life. (Ow, my head. . .)

  20. 20 Lia

    my first time at your blog, and i think it’s such a great concept! i’ll be back …

    Lia’s last blog post..Miserable Fact of the Day

  21. 21 Babs - beetle

    As one of seven kids, with a stay at home mum and an older sister who was a second mum to us younger kids, I don’t think there was ever any need for attention seeking. There was always someone doing something they shouldn’t though.

    I suppose the sneakiest was my younger sister who didn’t like the new boots my mum bought her. Mum had said she must wear them to school as it was raining. She sneaked a pair of old shoes out and changed into them as soon as she got outside, put her boots in her school bag, where they stayed for the rest of the day. On her way home from school she took out the brand new, unworn boots and filled them with water from a puddle. She then held them out to my mum, water sloshing about inside, and said “See they leak! I can’t wear them” I needn’t tell you what my mum reaction was ;O)

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..I’m still here!

  22. 22 Jen - Queen of Poo

    I was ALWAYS trying to get attention. Once I swallowed a bead and told my teacher. She was unimpressed and told me to go sit in my seat. Oh, and there was the time I lifted my skirt in the coat room for all the 2nd grade boys. Once I told my teacher I’d been chased and almost beat up by three big boys. Oh, but that was to get out of trouble for being late because I stayed on the playground playing in the snow. I was a bad kid.

    Jen – Queen of Poo’s last blog post..Thursday Thunks

  23. 23 Maureen

    Hilarious! Oh JD, you were not bad, you were just a typical 10 year old.

    But I think I’ll not confess any similar experiences here… you have triggered a few memories I just may write about one day (if I have as much courage as you….)

    Maureen’s last blog post..Baby It’s Cold Outside

  24. 24 Swedish Skier

    I fractured my skull when I was 10 and my parents didn’t even take me to the doctor until the next day. It hurt like a fuckin’ bitch. I’ve broken a lot of bones since then, but nothing’s been as bad as that.

    Swedish Skier’s last blog post..Friday Quotes!

  25. 25 Just Sayin'...

    Even as a child you showed signs of being an evil genius! I say bravo. But you should have gone for the gold!

    Mom? Dad? I think I would feel better if *cough* if *gasp* if you bought me a *cough* *gasp* *weeze* a pony…

    Just Sayin’…’s last blog post..Basking In the Glow of the Tree

  26. 26 Condo Blues

    I never faked an injury to get attention as a kid.

    As an adult, I got a concussion by practicing a stunt in a choreographed show through. and then another one a few years later sleepwalking and then falling headfirst down a bunch of stairs.

    Condo Blues’s last blog post..15 Habits That Lower Winter Utility Bills

  27. 27 Juliet

    I faked being sick a lot as a kid. Well not a lot, but it did work for getting out of school on occasion. I faked being asleep as well just to see what other people would talk about when they thought I wasn’t aware.

    I think the most stupid thing I ever did as a kid was lie about breaking the towel rack in the bathroom when I was obviously the only one there. Evil wicked family that I have, they went along with my lie, leading me along with bribes of “If the person who did it would just come forward they won’t get in trouble” and then saying things that made the guilt well up inside me until I couldn’t take it anymore and bawled like a baby stuttering out a confession.

    Juliet’s last blog post..Cartoons, Wheelchairs, and Large Crowds

  28. 28 Wayne John

    You naughty little girl you. I’ve done so many stupid things in my life I wouldn’t know where to start. Damn, now you have me thinking about it. Have you thought for us at all?

    Wayne John’s last blog post..Judged And Found To Be Freaky

  29. 29 MomZombie

    Oh the joys of childhood pranks.
    Once when we were camping deep in the woods, gathered around the campfire late at night, we (teenagers) thought it would be funny to start shouting: “Help! We’re lost!”
    Not long after — and surprisingly since we thought we were so far removed — someone responded: “Where are you? Stay where you are!”
    We were so freaked out that someone answered that we shut right up and put out the fire so they couldn’t find us.
    Funny to us but very mean to the folks who heard us.
    Another time way out in the country, we pretended to be scarecrows by the side of the road that would jump out at cars when they passed. We had some people stop and come after us for a bit before they lost us.
    Again, very funny to us. Quite mean to the drivers.

    MomZombie’s last blog post..Coffee on the keyboard

  30. 30 unfinishedrambler

    I didn’t hear anything after you said you didn’t like pork chops. I always liked pork chops, either breaded or plain. Plus all the other varieties of pork: Pork ribs, roast pork, pork bbq, pork chops (breaded or plain), not to mention pork rinds. I mean, really, I’m offended.

    unfinishedrambler’s last blog post..Meandering Monday #10: My Blog is 0% Badass!

  31. 31 Data Entry Services

    That’s a good one. I don’t remember what age I was but I was having a little growing pains in my legs and when I noticed how it concerned my mother, I turned it into stiff legs that I couldn’t bend. They had me dying from polio in their heads. The jig was up when my Mom watched me sleeping with my legs bent!

  32. 32 Kara

    I never could get away with feigning injury. My mother was a nurse. LOL I remember the first time I got seriously hurt, I was about 5 and my nose had been broken from standing in a spot my father had put me in, while I was waiting to get my chance at batting, so I would not get hit. Well, I got hit smack in the face by a wild pitch, and blood just starting flying everywhere. Mom put me in the back of the car, told me to lie down and hold the towel on my nose as she drove me to the hospital. I was bawling, she was yelling “shut up! It’s not that bad, or I’ll really give you something to cry about.” On days I wanted to stay home from school, I would try to play sick, never worked. She would pop a thermomator in my mouth, check it and say “nope, your not dead, get on the bus.”

    Kara’s last blog post..Circle of Life

  33. 33 carol at A Second Cup

    You aren’t the youngest by any chance? My youngest (10 at the time) slipped on our tile floor. My friend reacted and before it was all over I cut up a very nice pair of jeans the child was wearing to see of indeed her leg was broken. My sympathy to you mom.

    carol at A Second Cup’s last blog post..It Was Anything But a Quiet Night

  34. 34 cardiogirl

    At around age seven or eight I did ask for something to drink quite a few times in the kitchen while my mom was making Christmas dinner.

    No one paid attention.

    So I fell to the floor and acted like I was choking. It worked. I got their attention.

    And then my mom was really, really pissed off.

    I never did that again.

  35. 35 JD

    Lia: Aw, thank you! I’m glad you stopped by. Not all my posts are about what a big, fat liar I was (am).

    Babs – beetle: I would think the bigger the family, the bigger the fakers! I only had an older brother, but I still felt the need to fake a concussion. I love the boot story! Now that’s clever!

    Jen – Queen of Poo: Were we separated at birth? I never swallowed a bead (intentionally), but that other stuff sounds very familiar. I think the “chased by bullies” is a common theme in young liars.

    Maureen: Thank you! I’m seriously very gratified to hear that at least some of you think I was “normal.” The guilt! I hope to read of your similar foibles. You know: we’ve ALL been there!

    Swedish Skier: Wow. Maybe in the whole universal karma scheme of things, somehow I stole your trip to the hospital. I’m sorry. I hope your skull turned out OK.

    Just Sayin’ …: HA! Yeah, I could’ve pushed my luck even more. Tho I probably wouldn’t have asked for a pony. Maybe a drumset. I wonder . . .

    Condo Blues: OW! Do you sleepwalk often? That terrifies me. Do you ever eat while you sleepwalk? Will you please write a post about this phenomenon so I don’t have to? IS YOUR HEAD OK NOW?

    Juliet: Aw, you poor kid! So did you get in trouble for confessing? As for the pretend-to-be-asleep trick, I never tried that as a child, but I can see how it would come in handy as an adult. Thanks for sharing!

    Wayne John: Oh, dear. I didn’t mean to force you to dredge up painful childhood memories. Why don’t you write a post about them? Then we can all laugh at you, and you’ll feel lots better.

    MomZombie: Oh, I am laughing out loud here. The scarecrow thing—hilarious. I can just imagine those irate drivers getting out of their cars and chasing you. HAHAHAHA! And your horror at hearing a reply to your plea for help. So they never found you?

    unfinishedrambler: I’m sorry! But I will bet you a pork roast that you would NOT have liked my mom’s pork chops. (Sorry, mom! I know you tried.) They were dry and burnt and gristly and bony. There was, like, no meat on them except the fat. This did not kill my love for pork, however. I love ribs, pork roast, a proper juicy pork chop, etc. As for pork rinds. . . hmmm. Never tried ‘em.

    Data Entry Services: HA! Oh, that’s funny. The things our weird kid brains come up with. Your poor parents. I’m laughing, imagining you walking around stiff-legged while your parents freaked out.

    Kara: Oh, man! You had it rough. Your mom probably would’ve just laughed at my pathetic attempts to cause worry and concern. You poor kid! A broken nose is terrifying! All that blood. (Tho I love that your mom determined you weren’t dead by inserting a thermometer. Brilliant!)

    carol at A Second Cup: Well, I was the youngest of two. And I agree: my parents deserve your sympathy. No kid should put a mom or dad through that. I just didn’t realize how far it was going to go!

    cardiogirl: HA! Good one. And, yeah. That’s the kind of thing you can really only pull once. Hey, your mom should’ve given you something to drink. For all she knew, you COULD have been choking.

  36. 36 Eaina

    LMAO!!! Okay you have officially beaten me out of the hospital stories.

    Mine is only my mom was an RN and the 4th time some stupid nurse jabbed my arm (not changing the needle, mind) I jerked it out of her hand and did it myself. I was 12. You win. (even if I never could have gotten away with it).

    I am in awe of this. I think I am glad my own child is unimaginative.

    Eaina’s last blog post..Texas or bust

  37. 37 waitstaff drama

    ok, am in my 40′s,and two years ago I faked a migrane as I did not want to go to a Holiday Celebration at Hubby’s family.
    AS soon as he left with our two girl,I spent a wonderful evening just sipping coffee and listening to Holiday music. When he pulled in it was a miracale he meds worked!!

  38. 38 Stephanie Barr

    Thanks to you, I’ve decided to devote Thursdays on my blog to stealing stuff I’ve written on other people’s blogs, or, mostly, yours. I hope your happy :)

    (By the way, on that stiff leg thing, my daughter had terrible pain in her legs for two days when she was five that everyone, but me, thought she was faking. Turned out, we all discovered, she had shingles when the sores popped out afterwards. That’s one reason why parents can be fooled; better to feel stupid than to feel like a callous jerk who ignored your kid’s pain.)

    By the way, JD, be sure to vote on my blog (I’ll be putting up tonight) for what Ask the XXXX article you want (my soon to be Friday feature). And check out the one from last night for a beautiful pic of my daughter (oh and some blather about human spaceflight blah blah blah).

    Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..For All Mankind…

  39. 39 Tiggy

    Great story JD! I spat Cheesy Doritos all over my desk reading it. OMG I’m choking! I feel faint… must leave work and go home to bed… *splutter*

    Tiggy’s last blog post..Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Kiddies’ X-Ray Terror Fun

  40. 40 Kelly

    mmm… that comment about the eggs created a delightful image as i took a bite of my soup!

    btw, be sure to stop by my new blog. the neurotic mom won’t be around for much longer.
    http://babyboogers.blogspot.com

    Kelly’s last blog post..My Most Important Post

  41. 41 Trade Show Guru

    hi JD,
    This has got to be one of the most entertaining posts I have ever read (and I was raised to never lie ;) ). I’m glad you turned out ok after being raised by a butt-chested babysitter and being fed only pork chops. That would be a tough childhood.
    ~ Steve, the butt-chest loving trade show guru :)

    Trade Show Guru’s last blog post..The Ultimate Christmas Gift

  42. 42 Stephanie Barr

    Feel free to delete my last comment; geez, I sound like an eager puppy. I HATE when I have a good baby picture. Must stop posting them.

    Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..For All Mankind…

  43. 43 Puglette

    hey, JD…I emailed a couple pictures of my boyfriend to you. Did you receive them?
    hugs,
    puglette
    :o)

    Puglette’s last blog post..Winter Weather!

  44. 44 Steve | Kindledude

    This is my favorite post of yours to date. (Not that I’ve read every post, but of those I have read). The most I ever did was try to heat up a thermometer, which my mother realized because it said 108 (Fahrenheit). Man, I was an amateur.

    Steve | Kindledude’s last blog post..Kindledude Interviewed on Kindle Chronicles!

  45. 45 JD

    Eaina: I don’t know . . . grabbing the needle and injecting yourself takes some nerve. I was a big chicken to just stay in the hospital overnight! Shall we call it a draw?

    waitstaff drama: HA! The good ol’ migraine. So easy to fake. Sounds like you really needed that evening to yourself, so, of course, the lie does not count.

    Stephanie Barr: Oh, you’re a good mom! And I’ve heard that shingles can be REALLY painful. I’m glad you were one of the “stupid” ones. I love your ideas for a regular “Thievery Thursday”(?) and “Friday . . . ” ? I am on my way to check out your lovely daughter.

    Tiggy: OHMYGOD! Tiggy, are you OK? I’m dialing 911 (prays Tiggy will live to blog another day)

    Trade Show Guru: Oh, thank you. It’s so nice to hear from someone who appreciates my butt-chested babysitter. So . . . do you really not EVER lie? EVER? I’ll betchya a pork chop you’ve told at least one leetle fib.

    Stephanie Barr: IT STAYS! Because you don’t sound like an eager puppy but an awesome blogger who is able to write about adorable kids AND science.

    Kelly: Sorry about that. But I’m sure you can see how it was integral to the story. Yeah: I didn’t see you on Entrecard. Looking forward to visiting your new one!

    Puglette: YES! I’ve been kissing and nuzzling the screen ever since I opened the e-mail. OLLIE! Sigh. How I love thee.

    Steve | Kindledude: Thank you! I never tried heating up a thermometer, which kind of surprises me. I would imagine it’s hard to get it to the exact perfect temperature (ie, not so high your head should have exploded).

  46. 46 Steve | Kindledude

    I’m still laughing over this, and I’m at work. This post is easily the equal of many professionally published humor collections that I’ve read.

    I think the heating thermometer move for you would have been like a trained opera singer doing nursery rhymes. Just not up to your level.

    Steve | Kindledude’s last blog post..Kindledude Interviewed on Kindle Chronicles!

  47. 47 Angelika

    I never lied about being sick. I didn’t have to.

    I spent a large part of my childhood at the doctor’s office getting x-rays and crap. Drinking barium, getting barium enemas. Having tubes placed into my bladder to collect fresh urine.

    I had stomach aches for years every day. Now I think it was just that I didn’t want to go to school, LOL.

    But my mother was like “If I don’t see blood, you’re going to school or the doctor.”

    Which is why I can’t stand doctors to this day. Too many freaking tests and never any answers.

    Angelika’s last blog post..I can’t stand the rain

  48. 48 absepa

    I don’t think you were pathetic at all, JD. A 10-year-old probably doesn’t have the capacity to understand that the idea that just popped into her head may not be a good one. I can’t believe you actually stayed all night in the hospital, alone–that was really brave!

    I didn’t need to fool my mom with fake illnesses (not that I could have; she was a nurse’s aide), because I was sick all the time when I was a kid anyway. I did have one kind of weird illness thing, tho…I always wanted to break something, so that I could have a cast. Every time I fell down, I would hope that it was hard enough to break a limb. It seemed like it would be SO cool to have everyone sign your cast, and help you get around, and pay attention to you. When I broke my ankle four years ago, I discovered (of course) that it is not cool at all. Crutches make your armpits hurt worse than whatever body part you injured in the first place, and it is really hard to take a shower with one leg sticking out of the tub.

    absepa’s last blog post..Challenging Some of the Conventions of the Holiday Season

  49. 49 Steve the Trade Show Guru

    hey JD,
    Regarding my childhood, for the record, all I said was “I was raised to never lie”. I never said how effective it was… I also put Mr Winkie ;) next to the statement.
    ~ Steve, aka the I-never-chopped-down-a-cherry-tree-either trade show guru ;)

    Steve the Trade Show Guru’s last blog post..The Ultimate Christmas Gift

  50. 50 Kathy

    I just had to come back and comment again. I read it over and the part that makes me laugh in fits is that you hoped the day would end at McDonalds. And I just now noticed your graphic. Heads. OMG. You rock.

    Kathy’s last blog post..Diva for a Day

  51. 51 JD

    Steve | Kindledude: Aw, thanks. That’s so nice of you to say. As for the thermometer, perhaps it’s something I should’ve tried when I was 4 or 5?

    Angelika: Oh, yuck. You poor kid. So was there anything wrong other than stomachaches? That sounds awful. I had to go thru all of that when I was around 19. Turns out I had a “nervous stomach,” and the doctor gave me Maalox. WHY didn’t he suggest the Maalox first?

    absepa: I went thru that “cast” phase, too! And, as punishment, I, too, had to wear one on my ankle for a few months. It totally sucked.

    Steve the Trade Show Guru: Oooookay. I guess I missed Mr. Winkie. I’ve got to be more observant around you guru types!

    Kathy: Thanks! Yes, McDonald’s was the ultimate reward. It didn’t take much to make me happy. Of course, I got stuck with hospital food, which totally was NOT what I’d had in mind!

  52. 52 Noelle

    I learned everything I needed to know about faking illness from Ferris Buller. But, I had a special situation because my mom is (and I was) a Christian Scientist. So if I really wanted legit medical attention, I had to go to Dad. But if I wanted some quiet time to read my bible and pray, I went to my mom, because I knew she’d never question my motivations, or look for proof. It was kind of a win-win.

    Oh, but as an adult, have I faked non-provable illnesses to go home early? You bet your ass I have.

    Thanks for finding my blog, yours looks like one of the good ones!

    Noelle’s last blog post..The Great Debate

  53. 53 Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry"

    I would say you were neither pathetic or rotten, just feeling a bit neglected. That was some stunt though, I never even thought of lying to my parents, much less put on a perfomance like you did. But then, I had a stay-at-home mom and a dad who spent time with me when he was home so, I wasn’t starved for attention.

    Too bad the doctors didn’t cooperate with your scheme and just bandage you up and send you on home.

    Karen, author of “My Funny Dad, Harry”’s last blog post..Save That Paper and Those Cards!

  54. 54 flit

    I’ll just hang over in the corner with haleyhughes

    If I did do anything interesting as a kid, I have no memory of it anyway… although there is some story about me having skipped school one day – at age 5 in Germany – to avoid a shot.

    No one knows where I spent the day.

    And the only reason I got caught was because the school sent my mother a note to tell her that since I had missed the shot she should take me to get it done.

  55. 55 Preston

    I am the world’s worst liar. If I walk into a room, discover a broken lamp, and then you walk in, I will look guilty as hell. I was always being accused of things I didn’t do because I looked guilty. Although I remember once mixing raisin bran with water, dumping it into the toilet, and making throwing up noise so my mother would keep me home from school. It worked but I only did it once.

    Preston’s last blog post..Santa’s Little Helper

  56. 56 JD

    Noelle: Yay, I like you! Your blog is definitely “one of the good ones,” too. Anyone who can portray such a stunningly lifelike reenactment of The Ruins is on my blogroll. ANYway, yeah, sounds like you had to pretty easy as a child. No need to fake a concussion. I’m glad to hear your lying/faking skills are being put to use as an adult, tho.

    Karen, author of “My Funny Dad, Harry”: I know, right? It would’ve saved everyone a lot of time, grief, and money. AND I probably would’ve gotten my coveted McDonald’s. I’m glad to hear you think I was neither rotten or pathetic. Can you call my mom for me? Thanks.

    flit: Oh, that’s a good story. LOST in GERMANY! And you have no recollection. I wonder if you had fun that day. You should write a short story about it, imagining all the things you might’ve done on that day. “A Day without a Shot.”

    Preston: HA! Oh, gross. Raisin bran is bad enough, but raisin bran mixed with water sitting in a toilet is almost enough to make me lose my lunch. I’d think you could get away with that only once. (bleurgh.)

  57. 57 Singular Girl

    I don’t think I ever faked an illness but I did break my arm at the age of 6. Unfortunately my mom and dad, the cynical parents they were, thought I was being overly dramatic with my whimpering and big sad eyes. It took them 3 days to take me to the doctor to have it examined.

    Boy, did they feel guilty when they found out it was broken and required surgery. I still don’t let them live it down.

  58. 58 Angelika

    Well, NOW we know that a lot of stuff was caused by the MS. But it took years to get that diagnosis too.

    Angelika’s last blog post..I can’t stand the rain

  59. 59 brooke

    Well i really never faked my concussion well half of a concussion. This happen just like 2 months ago. It started when we were playing soccer and I was good at getting the ball. So I went to get the ball and a girl tripped me on accident who was also trying to get the ball too. Then she came and hit me and well my gym teacher said I hit the wall which was true but i couldnt remeber it, but i remebered hitting the floor with a thud. So they called the nurse and I was wheeled out of the gym in a wheel chair and was taken to the nurse so my mom could come get me because they thought I had a concussion because I didnt remember hitting the wall. So my mom picked me up and i was wheeled out without my dignity. I never want to fake a concussion ever.

  60. 60 Jeff

    This is awesome!

    I hereby nominate you for 2 Academy Awards… 1 for leading role in a parental scam and another for best written blog post. Congratulations!

    Jeff’s last blog post..Sleeping with one eye open

  61. 61 JD

    Singular Girl: Oh, no! Poor kid. I bet your parents felt guilty. Who said it above? Ah, Stephanie Barr! Better to look stupid than be a callous jerk. Not that I’m calling your parents jerks. But cynical? Yes.

    Angelika: Wow. I guess I didn’t realize you had MS. I’m sorry. How frustrating to not know the cause of all those symptoms.

    brooke: What a story! And the worst part is that you had to be wheeled out without your dignity! Always maintain your dignity, even when faking a concussion. (See my example above, re: pajama bottoms. Dignity fail.)

    Jeff: Woooo! I’d like to thank my parents for being so gullible, my doctor for “playing along,” and my awesome readers for inspiring me to new heights when it comes to sharing embarrassing family stories!

  62. 62 Clark

    I had a real concussion when I was 10 years old. I don’t recommend it, but I did get to watch a bunch of summer reruns again for the first time. I just couldn’t remember the beginning of the show after the first commercial break. Oh look, Zorro’s on!

    Clark’s last blog post..Judy Garland: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

  63. 63 Baron von Rochester

    This is one great story. Have you pointed out to your mother that if you hadn’t been *criminally neglected*, you wouldn’t have had to pull such a stunt? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm? Criminal neglect accusations are always good to throw at parents, esp. 20 or 30 years after the fact.

    I mean, they left you with a drunk lady who had ass-tits. What more proof of criminality do you need?

    Baron von Rochester’s last blog post..The Heat God, Plus: Buns Buggered

  64. 64 JD

    Clark: I don’t remember much about how I spent my days recovering, except that my aunt gave me a set of pencils, which was disappointing. I’m sure I got to watch a load of TV, even tho, you’d think a concussed child probably shouldn’t spend too much time in front of the TV. “Oh, look! Zorro’s on!” HAR!

    Baron von Rochester: Thank you, my good man. Yes, I did try to guilt my mom even more by explaining that the only reason I did it was because I was being neglected (I may not have used the word “criminally,” but this issue comes up every Christmas, so I can try again. And, just for the record, the drunk lady, and the butt-chested lady were two different people. But I rather like your summation of “a drunk lady who had ass-tits,” so perhaps I’ll revise the story.

  65. 65 Father Muskrat

    This reminds me of the times I got a real concussion. Okay, actually it doesn’t.

    Father Muskrat’s last blog post..in the restroom at a bbq joint in northern georgia

  66. 66 JD

    Father Muskrat: Hmm. Well, you’re gonna have to tell us about your real concussion, then. It’s only fair.

  67. 67 Janna

    Drat!
    Kathy stole my comment!

    I was gonna say that the best part is when you presumed you would be rewarded with McDonald’s.
    That cracks me up. :) Hee!

    But, since Kathy already said that, now I have to think of something else.

    Um….

    Pork chops can be decent if you dice them and mix them with barbecue sauce… let it sit overnight in the fridge so the sauce can sink in, then heat it up and serve it on hamburger buns or sub buns. It’s tasty.

    Janna’s last blog post..And don’t forget the fire sauce!

  68. 68 JD

    Janna: Boy, am I glad Kathy stole your comment, or I would never have found out about the incredible-sounding Diced Pork Chop on Bun! That actually does sound pretty darn good. If only my mom had had that recipe.

  69. 69 fidget

    I pretty much would have needed to do a top notch faking of my own death to get medical attention.

    I broke my hand and no one believed me till 18 hours later when my hand ballooned up and i started doing this awesome combination of barfing and passing out.

    Up until that moment, my parents didnt panic and had zero sympathy for me. They even taunted me after the doctor rolled up a magazine and taped my arm to it “just in case” it was actually broken.

  70. 70 JD

    fidget: OK, I’ll just say it: Your parents were mean! The barf-passout combo? How can any parent ignore that? So the only treatment you got after all that was a stupid magazine taped to your arm??? Geeez.

  71. 71 georgie

    OMGosh that is hysterical…jusst stoppin by to read all the keynotes…gawd i wish i had been able to go to BlogHer09

  72. 72 JD

    georgie: Thank you so much! BlogHer was awesome. Try to go next year — you won’t regret it.

  73. 73 Premier Team International

    that is seriously the funniest story ever!!! why couldnt i think like that and trick my parents when i was little. thanks for making us all laugh

  74. 74 coolio

    that is seriously the funniest story ever!!! why couldnt i think like that and trick my parents when i was little. thanks for making us all laugh

    agreed lol!
    .-= coolio´s last blog ..Nocord AS-268 Emergency Crank AM/FM Radio w/Flashlight & Cell Phone Charger NOW $4.99 =-.

  75. 75 anne1131

    You were not horrible, spoiled or pathetic… but I think you and my 10 year old son may be related.

  76. 76 JD at I Do Things

    Just don't make your son feel guilty for the rest of his life, like SOME moms I know! (Kidding, Mom. I love you!)

  1. 1 jill/txt » my first day at blogher: swag, sponsors and mummyblogging
  2. 2 Last bit of #BlogHer09 Day 1 – Community Keynote | StephanieBamBam.net
  3. 3 BlogHer ‘09 Community Keynote: Reflections from Number 19 - Chic Jones Media

Subscribe

Subscribe by RSS Feeds


I Do Kindle


Read my blog on Kindle



Read a Random Thing





Categories









Blog Widget by LinkWithin