I Eat the Whole Donut

Boston Cream
Sprinkles
Gimme a dozen

donuts4.jpg

I think we all can agree: Donuts—or doughnuts, if you’re a stickler—are the food of the gods. A handheld confection, sometimes cake, sometimes raised, sometimes frosted, sometimes glazed, sometimes stuffed with goo, sometimes filled with only a lonely hole, donuts are the total package.

A friend recently told me she’d eaten a donut and a half. How . . . what? I don’t understand this half-a-donut concept. Apparently, some psycho at her office cut a donut in half, ate one half, and left the other half behind. I just don’t get it. The only appropriate reason to cut a donut in half is to facilitate dunking, if you’re into that (which I’m not: soggy donuts are not my thing). Is there anything sadder than half a donut?

Yes.

donuts1.jpg

How does something like this happen? To an innocent donut? In my house?

Well, I’ll tell you.

I came home from Dunkin’ Donuts with a dozen donuts in a giant box. As I walked past the construction workers next door, their eyes lit up hopefully. Sorry, fellas. Twelve donuts, two people: you do the math. I had gotten Dave two Boston Kremes, and the rest, theoretically, were for me to feast upon throughout the day. For breakfast, the maple-frosted and maybe a cruller. Jelly-filled makes an excellent afternoon snack. My favorite—the Vanilla Kreme-filled—is technically a dessert donut, so I was saving it for later.

Little did I realize that Dave would try a donut other than his beloved Boston Kreme. I came into the kitchen just as he was biting into my dessert donut.

“There’s no filling,” he grumbled, taking a bite out of the other side, as I watched in stunned horror.

“Bleeuurrgggh! It’s cake frosting!” He slammed the donut BACK IN THE BOX, where it sat, looking defiled. I eyed it with a mixture of pity and love, but even I was not desperate enough to eat this poor, mangled former donut. No, it went into the trash.

But now what am I going to have for dessert?

If you want to eat the whole donut:
  • Go for the raised donuts. They’re less fattening.
  • Go for the unfrosted donuts. They’re less fattening.
  • Oh, for god’s sake. These are donuts we’re talking about. They’re supposed to be fattening. ENJOY!

_________________________

They eat donuts all day long at humor blogs.

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35 Comments


35 Responses to “I Eat the Whole Donut”

  1. 1 Jeff

    Mmmm, those look yummy. But did you know you can’t taste them if you lick your computer screen?

  2. 2 Ernie

    Well, one thing sadder than half a doughnut would be half a doughnut-hole.

    Ernie’s last blog post..Charlton Heston – R.I.P.

  3. 3 cardiogirl

    That, my friend, is a travesty. I am feeling something akin to rage toward Dave for biting BOTH sides of the donut and then expressing disgust (WTF, Dave? it’s frosting, nectar of the gods).

    It’s a tough call. I might have thought about taking a knife to cut his teeth marks out of it. It *was* your dessert donut after all.

    cardiogirl’s last blog post..Trying to live in this moment, difficult as that may be

  4. 4 JD

    Jeff: That’s weird, because I can totally taste them. Are you licking the cartoon picture or the photo? Because everyone knows cartoons don’t taste like anything.

    Ernie: Well, now you’ve gone and made me cry, thinking about half a donut hole. Sniff.

    Cardiogirl: WTF, indeed! Who is he to disdain the cake-frosting filling of my donut dessert! DONUT RAGE!!!

  5. 5 Regan

    Mmmm donuts… I don’t really like the jelly filled, but donuts are flat out awesome!!1!!!11!!!one!!exclaimationmark!!!!!11!!

    A great meal would be pizza, then some bacon, then some ice cream with the toppings I like, and then some donuts, and then some popcorn, soda, and a movie. I wouldn’t eat the movie, though. I may be 11, but I`m smart enough to know glass and rubber tastes WAY better than that crap they use to make movie cases.

    ((PS. For you people who don’t know a good joke when they see one, I DON’T EAT GLASS, RUBBER, OR THE STUFF THEY USE TO MAKE MOVIE CASES))

  6. 6 Regan

    Oh, and congratulations!! You’ve made it onto my “Favorite Website Links” on my laptop!! Other blogs on here are “The Junk Drawer” and “”Unnessecary Quotation Marks”"

  7. 7 Lisa Lisa

    I can never just eat half. It’s not enough enough. This pix looks so Yummy!!! I may have to stop by and pick some up on the way home.

  8. 8 Carla @ WordPlay

    I’ve had a Dunkin Donuts coupon for weeks (buy six, get six free!). Now I’m totally inspired to use it. And it’s all your fault. ;-)

    Carla @ WordPlay’s last blog post..Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms Who Blog

  9. 9 JD

    Regan: Your enthusiasm for donuts warms my heart. Your ideal meal sounds incredible—are we perhaps related? You may be 11, but your comments are always hilarious and insightful.

    And, wow! Thank you for including me with such prestigious blogs! You may know that I absolutely love The Junk Drawer, and Unnecessary Quotation Marks is awesome. I’m honored!

    Lisa Lisa: I wish I could only eat just one. But the racks of beautiful donuts are too hard to resist. And the price difference between half-dozen and a dozen makes it ridiculous not to load up.

    Carla: I had to read your comment several times before it made sense. A donut coupon . . . not used . . . for WEEKS? How do you do it? You’d better get those donuts right now!

  10. 10 windyridge

    But he’s right. Where’s the filling?

    windyridge’s last blog post..School Musical

  11. 11 april

    for the love of jesus eat the whole fucking donut! what if u get hit by a bus the next day and could never enjoy the taste of a prescious donut again…morons! should be a law against cutting a donut in half. punishable by a bitch slap to the back of the head!

    april’s last blog post..Poop Patrol (tools needed, a shovel, a bag, knees and a back of steel, and the speed and reflexes of a superhero)

  12. 12 Tee - Joyful Digesting

    April is so very, very angry! The whole “you could get hit by a bus tomorrow” is what leads to overeating, overspending – it’s silly justification for any little thing you want to do that you know is wrong, you could also live to be 120 and you’ll regret being a broke fatty!

    Anyway, thanks for eating that donut for us. Way to take one for the team!

    Tee – Joyful Digesting’s last blog post..Plain Talk About Poop

  13. 13 Tim

    If you eat enough jelly donuts today, you won’t be able to waddle out of the way of that bus tomorrow!
    Ernie never mentioned, we get most of our donuts from Tim Horton’s up here in Canada. A donut hole (the round ball shaped donut bit that comes in every flavour the donuts do) is more properly called a ‘Tim-bit’ and I’m not sure what I think of that….
    See how I cleverly used the Canadian spelling of flavour?

    Tim’s last blog post..Central Alberta Trades Expo at the Westerner Park, April 12 – 2008

  14. 14 fracas

    Tim, you could also call your comments “Tim-bits” if you wanted to.

    JD.. at least he didn’t waste the cruller. For that, I’d have had to seek him out and bop him one so that you don’t have to.

    It’s just something I’d do for you. Honest. ;-)

    fracas’s last blog post..When your wife catches you wearing her bra…

  15. 15 Elle

    Ooooh donuts, the perfect combination of grease and sugar. All the food groups in there, boy. You’re a better man than I am for not voting Dave right off the island after the half a Vanilla Kreme fiasco!

    Elle’s last blog post..Michelle Update

  16. 16 Lori

    Crap…now I SO want donuts! And I’m fat so it’s safer to keep them out of the house…. *grumble piss moan*

    Lori’s last blog post..I have…returned. Let the celebration begin!

  17. 17 JD

    windyridge: You make an excellent point. That particular Vanilla Kreme was barely filled with the sugary delicious cake frosting filling. So Dave was quite right to be angry—but he should still have eaten ALL OF THE DONUT!

    April! I always suspected that donuts bring out strong emotions in people. I’ll consider the bitch slap—tho I’ve calmed down somewhat by now. (Good point about the bus!)

    Tee – Joyful Digesting: I’m very happy to sacrifice my waistline to eat donuts for my lovely readers. (Good point about being a broke fatty!)

    Tim: Wow, I never realized how existential donuts could be: Do you eat the donut, get fat, AND get hit by a bus anyway? Or skip the donut, stay thin, AND get hit by a bus anyway? It all seems to end in tragedy.

    I don’t know if I want to eat a “Tim-bit.” It sounds sort of naughty. I think Dunkin’ Donuts calls them “Munchkins,” which is way better.

    Fracas: Thank you so much for your kind offer to bop poor Dave if he dared to touch my cruller! You’re a true friend.

    Elle: I agree: aren’t donuts the perfect food? Dave is skating on thin ice for not realizing that in this house, we do NOT waste donuts, least of all, Vanilla Kremes.

    Lori: I’m sorry to contribute to any donut cravings out there. But a donut-less world is a sad world. I’ll continue eating them so you don’t have to!

  18. 18 Canucklehead

    A whole donut – amateur! I eat a whole ice cream cake so you don’t have to! A tip of the hat to your Homer-esque ways though …

  19. 19 Kathy

    Best line: “I eyed it with a mixture of pity and love…” We all know donuts should not be wasted unless they’re soaked in oil. I’m terribly sorry to see how your lovely dessert donut met its demise. My God, I want that freakin’ Boston Creme. If I buy one for breakfast tomorrow, will you Zumba for me so I don’t have to?

    Kathy’s last blog post..This is Killing Me

  20. 20 JD

    Canucklehead: Please don’t feel obligated to eat a whole ice-cream cake so I don’t have to—I really wouldn’t mind taking care of that myself. As for amateur status, there were a dozen donuts at the start of the day.

    Kathy: You know I’ll Zumba for you any day! The Bostom Cream looks especially shiny and delicious, doesn’t it?

  21. 21 Carol

    Wrong — Oh, Sooooooooooo Wrong, poor little donut.
    Now you’ll have to go purchase it’s little cousins to make up for the wrong deeds of Dave. Dave must die if this continues, or at the very least be barred from future attacks on unspecting donuts.
    Did you know that Dave was this type of person prior to marriage?

  22. 22 Amy

    I understand Dave’s frustration. Donuts without holes are only vehicles for cream filling.

  23. 23 JD

    Carol: I didn’t know Dave was a donut-biter-and-discarder, or things might be very different today. Death seems like a harsh penalty, tho. Maybe I’ll just take bites out of all his precious Royal Dynasty cookies.

    Amy: Dave appreciates your support!

  24. 24 Shieldmaiden96

    An orchard with a lovely country store/bakery/lunch place/ice cream joint attached near my former home used to sell apple cider donuts.
    You go in the morning and the smell of lovely fried dough rolled in cinnamon sugar would envelop you….I’d get one and she’d fish the warmest one she could find out of the tray for me. A warm AC donut and a cup of marvelous coffee. Amazing breakfast.

    Shieldmaiden96′s last blog post..Pretty Angry

  25. 25 JD

    Shieldmaiden: Oh, my god, those sound good. But how could you eat only one? I know eating only half a donut is pure craziness, but I have trouble stopping at . . . a larger number than one. Thanks for sharing your delicious story.

  26. 26 Corrina

    I know you’re probably going to faint right now, but I hate donuts. So thank you for eating them for me. :-)

    Corrina’s last blog post..Oh The Pain

  27. 27 JD

    Corrina: . . . THUD!

  28. 28 Natural

    i work with people that take half of stuff. not only do they take half, but they use their hands. i may take half of a bagel, but i use a knife. we take half so we won’t be twice as big. my guess.

  29. 29 JD

    Natural: Well, now that you put it that way, it makes more sense. I’d like not to be twice as big, so maybe I should look into this “eating half of things” thing. And I won’t use my hands.

  30. 30 Yvette Dobosz

    My brother takes a few bites out of a 2-3 donuts and leaves them like that. IT DRIVES ME FRICKEN NUTS >O GAWD!

  31. 31 JD

    Yvette Dobosz: Whoa, settle down! No, you’re right to freak out. O GAWD!!!! I just don’t understand this half-eaten mentality. First of all, it’s kind of gross to just leave half-eaten food, and second: how can you not eat the whole thing??? HOW?

  32. 32 Donna

    I just drove PAST the Dunkin Donuts 5 minutes from my house to the one 25 minutes away to get my beloved Vanilla Kreme donut. Why? Because the one in town “fills” – and I use the term VERY loosely – their Vanilla Kreme donuts with a machine, and you need a microscope to see the stuff. The one 25 minutes away actually pumps that delicious fluff in with an old-fashioned pastry tube until no more will fit! Hey, If I’m gonna indulge, I might as well do it the RIGHT way! DOWN with the machines!
    .-= Donna´s last blog ..Salba® Banana Nut Mini-Muffins =-.

  33. 33 JD

    Donna: Oh, how I love the Vanilla Kreme donut. THAT’S the donut Dave bit into and discarded. I would drive 500 miles for a fully injected VK donut. I agree: DOWN with the machines!

  34. 34 Donna

    Nice to talk to a fellow DD VK lover! You may think this is pathetic, but I rather suspect you probably understand the situation perfectly. A couple of nights ago when I got onto this current donut “kick” I went to the place 5 minutes away for the first and last time. Got the first donut, complained. They replaced it with TWO donuts. I drove away, still complaining bitterly at the lack of kreme involved. Ate the VERY substandard donut, then CUT OPEN the 2nd one, dug the miniscule amount of “kreme” out and ate that, and discarded the rest of that donut. The next night I just made the drive to the place that does it right! (Tonight I just made buttercream icing here at home and slapped it between two very tiny chocolate chip cookies to make my very own “Dinky Doozie” cookie for only 164 calories! Although it wasn’t a Vanilla Kreme donut, it did provide the sugar shock that I was looking for…! However, given my blog name, I’d better get off this kick in a right now kind of manner. Ha!)
    .-= Donna´s last blog ..Salba® Banana Nut Mini-Muffins =-.

  35. 35 JD

    Donna: What are your feelings on the chocolate kreme? Just curious.

    I wish I had the nerve to complain. But the DD clerks at my store are sort of intimidating. Sometimes I just buy two, scoop the kreme out of one and spread it on the other.

    Mmmm. How do you make buttercream icing? That’s an intriguing workaround you’ve got there.


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