I think we all can agree: Donuts—or doughnuts, if you’re a stickler—are the food of the gods. A handheld confection, sometimes cake, sometimes raised, sometimes frosted, sometimes glazed, sometimes stuffed with goo, sometimes filled with only a lonely hole, donuts are the total package.
A friend recently told me she’d eaten a donut and a half. How . . . what? I don’t understand this half-a-donut concept. Apparently, some psycho at her office cut a donut in half, ate one half, and left the other half behind. I just don’t get it. The only appropriate reason to cut a donut in half is to facilitate dunking, if you’re into that (which I’m not: soggy donuts are not my thing). Is there anything sadder than half a donut?
How does something like this happen? To an innocent donut? In my house?
Well, I’ll tell you.
I came home from Dunkin’ Donuts with a dozen donuts in a giant box. As I walked past the construction workers next door, their eyes lit up hopefully. Sorry, fellas. Twelve donuts, two people: you do the math. I had gotten Dave two Boston Kremes, and the rest, theoretically, were for me to feast upon throughout the day. For breakfast, the maple-frosted and maybe a cruller. Jelly-filled makes an excellent afternoon snack. My favorite—the Vanilla Kreme-filled—is technically a dessert donut, so I was saving it for later.
Little did I realize that Dave would try a donut other than his beloved Boston Kreme. I came into the kitchen just as he was biting into my dessert donut.
“There’s no filling,” he grumbled, taking a bite out of the other side, as I watched in stunned horror.
“Bleeuurrgggh! It’s cake frosting!” He slammed the donut BACK IN THE BOX, where it sat, looking defiled. I eyed it with a mixture of pity and love, but even I was not desperate enough to eat this poor, mangled former donut. No, it went into the trash.
But now what am I going to have for dessert?
If you want to eat the whole donut:
- Go for the raised donuts. They’re less fattening.
- Go for the unfrosted donuts. They’re less fattening.
- Oh, for god’s sake. These are donuts we’re talking about. They’re supposed to be fattening. ENJOY!
They eat donuts all day long at humor blogs.