I was inspired by this article on “Ten Foods We Love Even Tho They Taste Wrong” (which includes such delicacies as Chef Boyardee Spaghettios and Kraft Mac & Cheese: SCRUM!) to finally, FINALLY sit down and figure out my own . . .
Top Ten Foods I Love Even Tho They Look Wrong
- Those “red-hot” potato chips. Oh, yeah. They’re so very red. Your fingers and lips are red for days after eating these. That can’t be right. What makes them red? It’s better not to ask.
- Braunschweiger. Even the name looks wrong. Who would eat something called braunschweiger? Is it better to call it by it’s other name, liver sausage? No. Can you imagine being the first person to actually volunteer to eat this stuff? It’s packaged unappetizingly in a tube, grayish in color, slimy in texture . . . OHMYGOD! I want some right now! Yes! For breakfast—on a toasted bagel with some crispy lettuce.
- Anything from McDonald’s. Have you ever closely inspected a “hamburger” patty from McD’s? And think about it: does a McD’s hamburger actually taste like a hamburger? No! It tastes like McDonald’s. Which is why I love it so.
Well, that’s my list. Clever readers will discern that there are only three items, but that’s all I could think of. Wait! Here is another list. This one’s easier:
Top Ten Foods I Will Never Eat Because They Sound and Look So Gross
- Geoduck. I like how Wikipedia has to clarify that this is an “edible” sea clam, because otherwise? I mean, look at it. Would you eat that? I’m trying to be mature here and not state the obvious, but . . . And the fact that it’s pronounced “Gooey Duck” doesn’t make it any more appealing.
- Tongue from Any Animal. I guess the most common of the edible tongues is cow tongue, but tongue is tongue. I have a tongue in my mouth right now. Does that mean I’m going to eat it? No. Tongues are used for eating, not to be eaten.
- Balut. Have you ever bitten down on a tender yet crunchy fetal duck’s head? If you answer “no,” you’re probably quite sane.
- Fruitcake. As far as I can tell, fruitcake contains everything I hate: dried fruit, raisins, nuts . . . BLEEEURRGH! This is worse than gooey duck or fetus head. Raisins are the devil’s candy. There is nothing worse than biting into what you think is a chocolate chip cookie and discovering that your mouth is suddenly full of raisins.
Oookay. That’s only 4. Why am I having so much trouble with Top Ten lists? They are crucial to getting on the front page of Digg. Hmm. How ’bout this:
Top Ten Weird Food Combinations
- I love Campbell’s Bean with Bacon soup, but I can ONLY eat it with a peanut butter sandwich. Discuss.
- My favorite potato chip dip? Why, cottage cheese with chives, of course.
- My brother’s girlfriend enjoys a heaping helping of CORN with her ice cream.
- One time, I put ketchup on popcorn.
Oh, this is going nowhere. I need your help. Please tell me your favorite disgusting foods, your “will NEVER eat this” foods, and weirdo food combos. Together we will make the front page of Digg and be famous. The fruitcake’s on me.
Sigh. What won’t they eat at Humor-Blogs?