I got bugs on my window
Trying to get in
And now the question is:
Do I eat them? *
I finally have a reason to throw out that giant bag of tea.
Like so many of you out there, I fell victim to the siren call of slimming teas. Not those dangerous slimming teas that contain laxatives and diuretics. Anything can be labeled slimming if it makes you eliminate everything in your body. Don’t buy these. There are safe slimming teas, and their claims are hard to resist. Don’t buy these either.
Oolong (also marketed as Wulong to make it sound more authentic and exotic) tea is a semi-fermented tea that comes in many varieties—even scented and unscented, much like tampons. People drink oolong tea for its complex notes and rich flavor. To me, it tastes like Lipton’s. But that’s not surprising, considering I have the palate of a 4-year-old.
Lately, however, we’re hearing all this stuff about how you can lose weight simply by drinking tea—especially oolong tea. In fact, it turns out oolong tea will pretty much solve all your problems. Wu-Long for Life and Wu long Tea by QFL list dozens of benefits in addition to weight loss, including:
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Increased energy
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Decreased appetite
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Lower blood pressure
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Improved immunity
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Clear skin
And my favorite
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“Look and feel perhaps years younger”
I like that they add the qualifier “perhaps.” You may only feel days younger. At least they’re not trying to lead us on or anything.
So, OK. I bought some of this tea. What the hell. For one thing, tea is good for you. It’s loaded with anti-oxidants, has less caffeine than coffee, and some of it actually tastes good.
Did the weight melt away? No. The tea didn’t affect me one bit, and there were stretches when I drank 4 huge mugs every day. Experts do say that, depending on the individual, tea will speed up your metabolism and in some cases can result in a weight loss of roughly 8 pounds a year. Wow. Big freaking deal.
And as for the claim that oolong tea is somehow more magical than other tea, Tea Muse tells us that
all tea is made from the same plant, Camellia sinensis. Whether you get green, white, oolong, or black tea depends on how you process it. . . . The ‘wu long tea helps you lose weight’ is inaccurate—you’d be able to get the same benefits from drinking any tea.
But weight loss or no, I still have this giant Ziplock bag of loose-leaf tea that refuses to get any smaller. I’ve been drinking this stuff almost every day for what seems like 10 years, and I have the same amount I started with. But I stubbornly refuse to get rid of it.
Until this morning, when a tiny bug crawled out from amid the tea leaves.
After throwing up, I shook out the contents of the bag onto a paper towel and looked for more tiny bugs. There weren’t any, but that’s probably because I already drank them.
Now, it’s not the thought of swallowing a tiny bug that bothers me so much. It’s the thought of that tiny bug laying tiny eggs in my BRAIN and having a colony of baby tiny bugs marching around my gray matter that bothers me.
So, good-bye oolong tea! I don’t have to drink you or your bugs anymore.
I’d better not get any fatter.
If you want to avoid drinking bugs
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Buy teabags
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Drink coffee
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Pick through every tiny leaf of tea before using (not advised)
Learn More About Oolong Tea: Mysterious Elixir of the East
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Official Oolong Tea site
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Seven Cups delves into all things tea
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Buy your own giant bag of tea (bugs optional)
* Today’s lyrics are courtesy of Pearl Jam
30 Comments
And also, I WANT ONE! Husband is a caramel FIEND 
I hate tea. I am a hard-core coffee ho, but after this post I am plagued by the though of those bugs laying eggs in your brain. (screams hysterically, slaps own face and shakes the thought, momentarily, from her mind.)
No tea. Tea is bad. You have verified that for me.
Viva la coffee!
YES! I agree. Coffee is the elixir of the gods.
The only way I’m staying sane through all this is to just assume that tiny bug didn’t really come out of the bag of tea but was already wandering around on my counter. I’m much more at ease with the thought of bugs infesting my household than my brain.
Viva la coffee, indeed!
Hysterical! I tried the weight-loss tea once, on the recommendation of my hair dresser. She weighs 87 pounds and works out every day, sometimes three times a day. You think it’s the tea that’s helping her? But I bought it anyway and I hated the way it tasted. Did I throw it out? Probably not. I bet it’s still in a kitchen cabinet. I have to check it tonight for bugs.
As for tiny bugs in your brain, if they’re anything like a tape worm, you only have to worry when they die in there. That’s when it kills you.
Thanks, Kathy. Yeah, I’m sure your hairdresser has the tea to thank for her stupid 87-lb. body.
Brrrr! Tapeworms! I’d rather they killed me than even know I had one in me somewhere!
When I first saw the headline I was excited that you were going to tell us you were going to be on an upcoming episode of ‘Fear Factor.’ This is somehow – ugh, I’m not sure – worse? I don’t know — hard to say. Anyway, I’m mainly a coffee man myself but have been known to partake in the occasional spot of tea. That being said, Canucklehead likes his tea as he likes his women: wrapped in white gauze with a tag.
(ugh. I just threw up in my mouth a little – sorry about that, just not sorry enough to delete)
ciao for now,
-C.
Sorry to disappoint you, Canucklehead! Yeah, “Fear Factor” is never going to happen, I’m afraid. I could never NEVER eat any of that gross stuff or walk thru sewers or whatever else they do.
I’m glad you didn’t delete. I always want every bit of Canucklehead goodness.
That’s put me off any sort of tea *shudders* The idea of insects inside me, laying eggs inside me, crawling around inside me, dying inside me, my ears suddenly feel all itchy and tingling like something is making its way up to my brain. I wish I hadn’t said that because I know I’m going to have nightmares now…
By the way, 87lbs? How does her body even manage to support her head??
Hey, Claire! Thanks for stopping by, even tho your visit has resulted in what I hope are temporary nightmares (not something I try to promote in my readers)!
I stopped by your very cool blog and posted a comment on your Stumble Upon post, but I don’t know if it showed up or not. Just wanted to let you know I’m a fan!
Hi JD
I enjoyed reading your blog entry so much. I’ll tell you, I really hate the people that market tea that way. If you have been coming to our site for a while, you’ll notice that around last February I removed all of the tea is good for this and that health stuff that was on our site, and replaced it with a Chinese medicine oriented page, and I did it in response to the Wu Long for weight loss site. The site dimensioned both the health benefits of tea drinking and the remarkable artistry of the Wuyishan tea makers.
I hope you won’t give up on tea. Throw that bag of tea out. Your 4 year old palate way sophisticated enough to know that you were drinking garbage tea. Isn’t it remarkable that the English took what was the best gift that you could give to the Emperors of China and Japan into a valueless commodity? It is not worth finishing.
I have bookmarked your blog and will continue to be a reader in the future.
Warm regards
Austin
Hi, Austin! Thanks so much for your kind comments and for stopping by. Your site is really interesting and informative–and, yes, I saw that you don’t promote any of that “diet tea,” which is why I wanted to include a link to your site under my “what to do” section.
I actually do like tea more and more (tho I’m a coffee lover at heart), and there are sooo many great teas out there that really do taste good. Lately I’ve just been drinking green tea, but I might get more adventurous with white tea.
Thanks again for stopping by. I’ll definitely check back at your site, too!
I was expecting fear factor as well. It may not help matters to mention that the coffee factory where they grind beans to put them in bags of ground coffee may also have brain tapeworm bugs…. Will you come over to my house and sort through my coffee beans looking for bugs so I don’t have to? Damn, didn’t think so. I’ll just have to use very hot water and hope for the best.
Tim: Maybe you can grind your own beans? I would do that so you don’t have to. Tho I do believe very hot water kills the brain tapeworms–tho perhaps not their larva.
Just something to think about.
I so totally love the way you write, it’s like you’re a fraccy sister. I wish I haven’t been so busy the last couple of weeks, so I could read more blogs.
Ever since my vehicle accident, it seems to be one thing after another in the fraccy household. Do you think you could be fracas, so I don’t have to?
Luv ya!
Awww, Fracas, thank you! I’d like to be an honorary Fraccy Sister! Sorry to hear you’re so busy, but hopefully things will soon ease up. I wish I could leave comments on your blog (it’s not just yours, either, I have problems elsewhere), but I’m reading faithfully!
If you leave a comment in the next day or two.. I will know to look in my spam bin (that’s where you were before) and then I can send it to Wordpress as the data they need to stop your comments from being eaten up by Askimet, the spam policebot.
They need something to go on, so if you do that, I can do that… and hopefully you’ll not be spam anymore.
Fracas!: I’m headed over to your blog to try it right now. Akismet, step aside!
My first thought was that surely, the bugs will be killed in the hot water, but the eggs can still live? Gross!
Claudine: Oh, I don’t know! I was only speculating. I hope not! KILL THE EGGS!
The bugs shall inherit the earth
dohfiddle: Your comment is chilling—especially since I just squashed a rather large bug in our sink. Do you really believe this? Please get back to me.
Your article is sooo funny! I really did enjoy reading it,even though
the bit about the bug made me feel sick. It wont stop me from drinking tea though.
Keeley: Thank you! No, you shouldn’t stop drinking tea just because of the bugs. Remember: you can’t even taste them.
OK, I saw this as a random article and had to read (great title!). Holy junebug, I laughed so hard. You realize that exposing bugs to near boiling water is pretty effective in dissuading their egg laying propensities (not to mention that they’d be laying them in your stomach, not your brain, and stomach is none to pleasant environment with all that hydrochloric acid laying around dissolving protein [like bugs]). Let’s not forget that you probably strain your tea, don’t you?
I don’t drink tea or coffee, having never developed the taste for them as I was raised a Mormon. I do, however, have a serious Mountain Dew habit (currently in remission) that positively no one will give me a justification for. Apparently, Mountain Dew is NOT good for you. Figures.
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Stephanie! Welcome to an older post! I’m glad you liked it. And yes, all your logical arguments came to mind later, after I finished freaking out. Something about the sight of tiny bugs does that to me! And I did strain it—I used to put it in ready-made teabags. I didn’t realize you were raised a Mormon or that you were hitting the Dew. Coffee IS good for you!
don’t tell but i’m not working and i’m on my 5th cup of tea and i’m still fat around the middle. i drink it all day at work cuz it’s free. bug free.
Natural: Aw! Thanks for commenting on an old post. Bug-free tea is the only kind I endorse nowadays. But I’m beginning to wonder if maybe it’s the bugs that keep you skinny?
well i squeezed the life out of cardiogirl’s blog, so now i will stalk you and your older posts. you’ve been so warned. thank you.
I’ve been drinking Tea since I was a child. Perhaps because my family is Irish background and tea is a big part of that culture.
My favorite has always been Tetley Tea served with Milk and sugar. I’m not sure about the speeding of of metabolism and helping with weight loss etc however after 31 years I have never had a problem with my weight nor have I excersied or watched what I ate. Maybe there’s something to the Tea speeding up metabolism stuff I don’t know.
Unfortunately I am now addicted to the caffeine in the tea so if I don’t have my cuppa in the morning I have a splitting headache by lunch.
Should I switch to the bugs ? lol
you’re funny. green tea is great though. lots of antioxidants and helps the immune system. i don’t think lipton can say that. as for the bugs, imagine what crawls in your mouth when you are sleeping.
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