With a heave and a ho
Well, I just couldn’t let them donuts go
So guess what? Having a head cold does not get you out of jury duty. When I called to find out if I actually had to appear at the downtown courthouse this past Wednesday, there was no recorded option: “If you want to get out of jury duty, please listen carefully: If you are a racist, press 1. If you are a murderer, press 2. If you have a cold, press 3. ” Screaming into the phone, “I AM SICK!” didn’t yield any results either.
Which means that I have to be out the door by 7:30, wearing my grown-up shoes (now with extra bunion-squeezing tightness) and adult-style raincoat (for, yes, of course, it is raining), sweating like a moose, and heading for the train that will take me to jury duty, where I was promised free wi-fi.
I work at home, so when it comes to venturing into the real world, I’m out of my element. It took me literally 2 hours to prepare everything: laptop (charged) and cord, giant purse with pills, notebook, magazines, book, iPod (charged), iPod battery pack, extra batteries.
To make the experience extra-special, I’m in the last stage of a bad cold. This stage is called “Hacking Death Cough.” It sucks to be out in public during the HDC phase. Usually I am the one giving the stink-eye to a coughing person and now I am the one being stink-eyed. Not fair!
On my way to the train station, I grab a coffee and two cinnamon-sugar donuts. Hot coffee on a hot day when you’re hot is not a good idea. I grab 2 bites of the donut before the train comes. I’ll finish the rest on the train. No, I won’t. The train is packed. I’m crammed in next to a guy whose only baggage is a Blackberry, whereas I am negotiating my laptop, purse, coat, umbrella, coffee, greasy donut bag, a HEADACHE that feels like it’s taking up a whole seat of its own, and, finally, my hair, which, thanks to the humidity, has puffed up to gigantic proportions. Oh, hell, yeah, it LOOKS great, but I can tell the guy next to me is put out. This is nothing, I want to say. Wait till I start coughing.
And cough I do. Cough, cough, cough. It’s like laughing in church. The more you try not to, the more you do it. Everyone hates me. That’s fine. I hate them back. I feel like standing up to announce that I HAVE to be on this train because of jury duty, but I know I’d just cough. Instead, I rifle thru my purse and look longingly at my donut bag.
There are two kinds of train commuters: the ones who are compelled to rise as soon as their stop is announced to stand in the aisle for 5 minutes OR the normal ones, like me, who sensibly wait till the train comes to a complete stop and make a mad dash for the open doors just as the train is starting to leave. But my stop is the last stop, so there’s no reason to get up before the train comes to a complete stop, unless Blackberry Guy wants out. I watch him out of the corner of my eye to see if he’s making a move. Should I get up? Wait? The tension is killing me, so I just gather up everything and stand for 5 minutes. He never budges.
I get to the courthouse and am told I’m on Panel 37. Is that lucky or unlucky? I don’t want to wear the badge that proclaims me a “Cook County Juror.” I’m NOT a juror!
Sigh. Not only is there no wireless, but I can’t even find an electrical outlet. So I won’t be able to watch Hulu all day. At least I brought some good reading material. Here is a sampling of magazines available to those who didn’t: Record, Homes and Land, Cars, Remodeling, Frontiers, Underhood Service.
After we watch the movie that explains why we’re there, the nice old man at the front desk tells us they’re dividing the room into a TV side and a non-TV side. I scurry over to the non-TV side, which he specifically called “The Quiet Side.” As soon as I settle in, two people behind me start TALKING! BORINGLY! Shut up! This is The Quiet Side! I slam on my iPod and listen to “Subliminal Music for Prosperity” loud enough to drown out the boring talkers but still hear the announcer. They’ve called 5 panels already, and the room is really emptying out. YAY! There goes one boring talker! YAY! There goes the guy sitting across from me whose shoe I could feel touching my pant leg.
Two hours pass very slowly. Maybe it’s time for a donut . . .
“Attention, please. Panel 37. Will all jurors from Panel 37 please report to the front desk?”
43 Comments
Do you think if we lived in Seattle Birkenstocks would qualify for grown-up shoes?
And think of the coffee!!
Meg’s last blog post..Meg, Coming Up From Behind
I am hanging on the edge of my cat-bed waiting to hear the rest of the story!
My Mommie had to go to jury duty and she did not know how to get to the downtown courthouse, so she drove there the day before to figure it out. But she did not sleep there. Then she got stuck on a trial about something really icky (having to do with a stepfather and his daughter).
Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Photo Hunters: Lazy
Me too ! I’m hanging on the edge of – umm – what edge ? I’m sitting on the floor !
I hate it when I get those hacking coughs – always in the middle of the meeting, at the mosque, in the bus, talking to a cop…
Why can’t it happen when I am at home and I can let it all out ?
I don’t have the patience to sit-until-the-train-comes-to-a-complete-stop. I sort of enjoy the swing when the train brakes.
Jaffer’s last blog post..Decision 2008 : Focus on the Eh-conomy
I love you the way you can take what are supposed to be dull moments for normal people, and turn them into exciting moments for us. You have a real gift my friend.
Jeff’s last blog post..Speaking of…
Ok, that first sentence wasn’t supposed to actually start with “I love you”, but now that it’s in print I’m going to go with it. There, it’s now official that I love JD.
Jeff’s last blog post..Speaking of…
“This stage is called “Hacking Death Cough.â€
Ah yes, HDC, I think I actually had this too the last time I had jury duty. It’s was quite embarrassing, sitting on a jury panel during a deliberation and having to either disrupt the room with my coughing or strain to cough under my breath (a difficult task but useful when mastered:)
Matt Savage’s last blog post..The Dilemmas of Male Virgins
I get the HDC about once a year. It’s always touch and go. Go to the doctor for real medicine, or wait it out. I always go with wait it out and hate myself for everyday that I don’t go to the doc.
I loved your list for jury duty. Did you pack a snack? I wouldn’t feel complete without snacks. Turkey sandwiches tend to pack well. No refrigeration needed, no crumbs, and look ma, protein!
All that aggravation, for like, what, 8 dollars for the day! Jury Dutiers of the World, Unite!
That was hilarious reading, even if not much fun for you!
::a HEADACHE that feels like it’s taking up a whole seat of its own::
I love it ha ha!
Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Another double boost award!
Meg: I think I’d quite enjoy living in Seattle, Birkenstocks and all. I do love a nice rainy day, sitting in a coffeeshop. It beats jury duty.
Daisy the Curly Cat: I didn’t realize it was so suspenseful! I’ll put up Part II on Monday, I think. I’m sorry your Mommie had to be involved with that trial. That sounds pretty bad. Mine was boring, but completely non-icky.
Jaffer: Hey, get off the floor! Aren’t hacking coughs the worst? And it’s very interesting to learn you’re one of the one who leaps up before the train stops. I’ll have to remember that . . .
Jeff: I LOVE YOU, TOO! Oh, wait, that was a typo? Oh! So was mine. But, then, OK! You do love me! It’s official and reciprocated!
Matt Savage: I have not yet mastered the art of coughing under my breath. Can you teach me? It sounds almost painful, but I think it would be useful to learn.
ann of the junkdrawerblogfamily: I meant to pack a snack. I have these cute little 100-calorie bags of chocolate-covered pretzels. I forgot them, along with gum, plenty of Kleenex, and my watch. And, hey! It was $17.20!
Babs – beetle: I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I suffer for your entertainment!
I don’t WANNA wait until Monday for the rest!
flit’s last blog post..Pouting
oh, gotta luv that commentLuv plugin… how appropriate
flit’s last blog post..Pouting
I had jury duty once. What effing torture that was! Never again!!!!!
Now watch me get called next week and end up on some lengthy murder trial.
Monique’s last blog post..Just Because YOU Put Them There Doesn’t Mean I Am Going To…
Oh, the suspense! I don’t think I can stand it until next week. I loved “sweating like a moose,” btw. The pig has usually been my animal of choice for sweat-comparison, but I like yours much better. And I TOTALLY understand humidity-hair that needs its own seat–boy, have I been there. Every summer of my life until I cut all my hair off last year, in fact. It gets powerful humid here in KY during the summer.
absepa’s last blog post..Victory is Mine!
OH my, I live in Seattle and you’d think I was the only member of society that gets called for jury duty…..at least 9 times in the last 5 years. In fact I got notice for a stint in November. One of the most memorable summoms was for a triple murder that was going to last no less than 6 months. It’s the only time I was glad I was unemployed and I needed to continue looking for work.
Can’t wait to hear the rest.
Sorry…no grown up shoes in this closet, but plenty of coffee.
Carla’s last blog post..Say-ah!
You find my leaping up before the train stops interesting ?
I don’t get it – you’ll need to elaborate on that !
Am I going to be part of an experiment ?
Jaffer’s last blog post..Decision 2008 : Focus on the Eh-conomy
Hey JD! I just wanted to let you know that I’m still visiting and reading … just not commenting as much .. too crowded in here! All the best … cheers!
CRAP!! I was gonna use the cough and cold excuse to dodge my upcoming jury duty responsibilities. Any other ideas?
chat blanc’s last blog post..Is it just me?
grrrrr freakin cliffhangers.
hrrmpff.
PG’s last blog post..Lake Monponsett Sunset (252/365)
JD if it’s any consolation, even when your capacities are compromised I’d rather have you holding the reigns of our justice system tightly in you donut-stained hands than almost any other nudist of whom I can think…. thank you.
Chinese Zodiac Marriage Combinations’s last blog post..Zodiac Matches for Men Born Under the Pig Sign
ah, underhood service. a veritable page turner.
kouji’s last blog post..blog action day 2008 poverty haiku
flit: Oh, you’re pouting, are you? Thank you, CommentLuv, for helping to point that out. Well, my friend, pouting will get you nowhere, I’m afraid. However I do accept bribes, especially in the form of cookies.
Monique: I hope a predictably humorous account of this effing torture will appear on your blog soon?
absepa: Yeah, you know, I just felt like a big, hairy moose. I really don’t even know if moose sweat. Perhaps I should look that up. And YOU’RE the one who gave me that lovely link love. Thank you again, fellow humidity-hair sister!
Carla: Wow, forget my stupid Part II—I wanna hear about your murder trial! And all your other jury duties! Geez. I’ve only been called 3 times before this but never made it to jury selection. Please share (stories and coffee)!
Jaffer: No, don’t worry! I only experiment on helpless kittens! I was just commenting on the fact that you’re one of THOSE train jump-uppers. Not bad, not good. Just interesting!
Canucklehead: It’s never too crowded for you, C-head. Thanks for popping in, tho. I miss you!
chat blanc: Well, as I said in my post, there is no option for telling the recorded voice you’re a murderer or racist (not that you’d want to use either of those excuses, of course), but you could take the cough/cold one step further and say you have the Ebola virus. That might work.
PG: But I always worry that no one will EVER come back! This way, hopefully at least a few of you will tune in next week (tomorrow, I promise!) to read the . . . “exciting” conclusion.
Chinese Zodiac Marriage Combinations: Wow, that is high praise indeed! Thank YOU! I rather like the image of a nude JD holding the reigns of justice in one hand and a greasy donut in the other. VOTE: Should I change my header again?
kouji: I wish I was making that up, but those titles came right from the rack of magazines on the wall. And some desperate people were actually taking them!
JD, I just want to say that, along with your getting lost on the way to your mammogram post, you had me crying with laughter! This is why I adore your blog. And I’m with Jeff. I love you too! Way to rock it, sister!
Kathy’s last blog post..I Guess I Like Cheese
Something about jury duty and crappy weather go together, BTW. I got my summons and filed the excuse form, and said I can only serve if the weather is not terrible as I have ambulatory issues. So, on a snowy February day, I was told to park 4 blocks away, downhill.
Stupid jury duty.
Joe’s last blog post..Bedtime for Bonzo
I have jury duty next Wednesday. I’m not looking forward to it. Last time it was five long days and I didn’t even end up on the jury. Way too long. Good luck.
Comedy Plus’s last blog post..Remain Calm
NO!!! You can’t leave me hanging on the edge of the story like that! I must know what will happen next. Will you be embarassed in public? Will you cough? Will Blackberry guy make an unexpected apperance as a surprise witness? Only to point the blame at YOU? Or maybe you’ll find an electrical outlet as you are leaving. Who knows what will happen?
Boy, I can just feel the love
It’s almost like a little commune!
I don’t get HDC any more. I quit smoking in 2002, and colds now are so minor for me that I barely notice. I still get the CTTGC – Colder Than The Grave Chills and the STBAA – Sucks To Be Alive Aches from the flu, though.
Tim’s last blog post..When is Canadian Thanksgiving?
I haven’t been sick with jury duty, but I have been sick and forced to cart this or that family member hither and yon.
I’ve had jury duty three times, and never was selected. The last time I’m glad I tossed since it was a child sexual abuse case and I thought the guy was guilty right off. He was so smug it was coming off him in waves. What innocent person is smug when accused of sexual abuse of a child. Yuck!
Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..50 Word Snippets
Wanted to let you know I just put up a post dedicated to you.
Kisses.
Florida Girl In Sydney’s last blog post..The Great Schlep
Sorry I can’t help crying out with laughter.But what do you mean by “Continued”…Oh I hate continued, like a never ending story.
Joe: Hey, at least you got to park! Around the courthouse I went to, parking is a joke. You either commute or walk. Nice try, tho.
Kathy: Wow, that means a LOT coming from you, Kathy. I . . . I LOVE YOU TOO! There, I said it. Whew. There’s a lot of lovin’ going on right now.
Comedy Plus: Why did you have to wait for 5 days??? Maybe your state laws are different from ours. We have a “one-day/one-jury” deal that means if you don’t get picked that day, you’re home free (for a year, at least).
Regan: HA! Oh, my god. I’m dying here, picturing Blackberry Guy showing up as a surprise witness! Regan, you are too funny. Well, the suspense is over. I hope you’re not disappointed!
Tim: I think I’d rather have a cold than CTTGC or STBAA—both of those sound rather awful. And, Tim? I love you.
Stephanie Barr: Oh, gross. I hope I never have to deal with anything like that. I couldn’t stand being in the same room with even an alleged child abuser. I hope the death penalty was involved.
Florida Girl in Sydney: WHAT???!!! Oh, my gosh! Thanks! I’m checking it out right now! Kisses right back atchya!
Bags deal: Dry your tears of laughter! Part II is up! And I promise, this lo-o-o-o-ng story does have an end!
I don’t know if the death penalty was involved (though I feel the same), but Texas does use it more than any other state. This county (Galveston) also supposedly has one of the highest conviction rates for child abuse.
stephanie barr’s last blog post..50 Word Snippets
stephanie barr: That’s so sad. I don’t know how anyone could be objective in a case like that.
well good gaud, you had to go through a lot to get to jury duty. the bench warrant for your arrest as a no-show seems like less work.
they pick you up, will even protect your head from being bumped when they put you in the nice police car and drive you to where you need to be.
they lure you down there with a promise of wi-fi and then there is none. call al sharpton!
hehehe – If you are a racist, press 1. If you are a murderer, press 2. LOL. that would eliminate so many people. funny JD!
sorry you had to go through this, but it made good reading
feel better.
i’m off to read part II
Natural’s last blog post..Down In the Dumps: Write this Way
Alright then, I love you too
Tim’s last blog post..When is Canadian Thanksgiving?
Natural: I never thought of it that way, but you’re right! Next time I have to go to a courthouse, I will make sure it is as a criminal. But will they let me bring donuts? Glad you liked it.
Tim: Sigh. I’m just basking in the love here. LOVE!
Oh, holy heck, that was funny. I read the second part first and didn’t lose a thing (although I wasn’t sure where the donut thingy came in, but I figured it out). Wonderful. I Stumbled it, and I hope it brings you new people.
Cheers!
Laurie @ Foolery
foolery’s last blog post..Oatmeal Cookies For Sparky’s Kindergarten Class
foolery: Thank you! And thanks again for the Stumble. Yeah, this wasn’t exactly a serial thriller whose parts have to be read in order. You got the gist of it, I’m sure.
Why do you have to go to jury duty when you don’t want to. That is pretty mean to do and especially with a cold.
brooke: Well, when you’re older, YOU will also have to go to jury duty. It’s something everyone (mostly) has to do, whether they want to or not. And many people do try to get out of it, but that’s not good either. It’s your civic duty.
Some things in life there is no escape from , death, taxes & jury duty!
Jackie’s last blog post..My grandma lived to be a hundred and seven!
Jackie: How true. Tho I plan to outwit death. Just to see. It’d be something cool to blog about.
Whew! You won’t believe this, but my son had to interview someone who served jury duty and we knew of NO ONE!!! I would LOVE to serve as a juror, but the only time I was ever called was when I had a passel of newborns to care for. Suuure, now that I have all the time in the world, I’m never called.
Anyway, we read this post as our virtual “interview.” LOL. Thanks for writing this!
I hope he gets an A.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..New Rules for Credit Card Companies =-.
Rebecca: So funny. I assumed this was spam, because most of the comments I get on older posts are. So I almost didn’t even read it. I’m glad I did! I can’t believe my stupid post was actually of any help. Good luck to your son!