I Delete Spam



Spammers are getting really smart. I just received a plea for money from none other than Charles Brown, addressing me as his “DEARLY BELOVED.” Now, I am no one’s “dearly beloved”—much less in all caps, but! the subject line said, “Not Spam.” So I think it’s safe to assume that I’m going to inherit millions of dollars by simply turning over my bank account number to this guy, right?

As any good blogger knows, spammers aren’t just for e-mail anymore. We get obnoxious comments that programs like Akismet or Bad Behavior usually, but not always, filter out. Sometimes good comments get lost in the sea of spam related to Cialis, Ambien, and . . . sadly, Chubby Lesbian Grannies.

Even Darren at ProBlogger is not immune. Someone promoting the ever-popular penis enlargement pill has been spamming unsuspecting bloggers using Darren’s name. In response to his post warning of this, someone asked if it’s OK for a beginning blogger, desperate for action, to keep some of these shady comments.

I can relate. In my early days as a blogger (like, 9 whole months ago), I was so happy to get comments, I didn’t always notice at first that they were spam. Not only did I keep them, I actually responded to some. Luckily, no evidence exists of my embarrassing desperation, but the following should give you a pretty good idea of what went down:

I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

Wow, thanks! I’m sorry parts of the article were difficult to understand; I’ll try harder next time to be more clear.

I have to say, that I could not agree with you 100%, but it’s just my opinion, which could be wrong :-)

Thank you! I welcome differences of opinions here. And I do appreciate that smiley face. It lets me know you really like me!

Hello! Found your blog on Google while searching for Least Allergic Dogs—quite some good info thanks, R. Kraven

Cool! I’m glad to know that you somehow found my post about scattering my dad’s ashes while searching for information on dogs . . . I guess.

I’m not a commenter to blogs in general, but your article really caught my eye. I had been looking for information on Catalog Discount Online Shopping on Ask.com, and was intrigued by the link to here.

Hello! I’m flattered that you were interested enough to comment. Especially since my post about my goiter doesn’t seem to have anything to do with catalog discounts.

Your site very good and interesting! Thank you! (buy cialis)

Thank you! And, no, I don’t really need Cialis, tho your almost-subliminal plea is tempting.

Hello webmaster. Man, I love reading your blog, interesting posts! It was a great Wednesday peter francis geracirabbit husbandry.

O . . . kay. I’m glad you enjoy reading my posts, and yes, it was a great Wednesday. So, is that your real name or the result of a meme gone wrong?

I think that my wife unfaithful to me.
I have a wonderful plan for disclosure of her deceit.

David: This sounds extremely intriguing, but I’m not sure what it has to do with my post on my big butt. Please come back and let us know how your plan worked out.

And my grandpa is a train fanatic.
I really enjoyed your page.
Glad to see other.Is cool and to say hello.
Best site!
Ok! Beautyful.
It is very creative.
Ok! Master!
Ok! Master!

Um. My grandpa was a bit of a train fanatic, too. So . . . your first language is probably not English, right? That’s fine! All are welcome at I Do Things.

Sometimes I fell victim to comments that made perfect sense—until I looked at the sender’s e-mail or Web site.

Your Site Is Great! (tiny_nipples@gmail.com)

What a shame. I’d love to have kept this comment, but my mom reads this blog, and she doesn’t need to see a link to nipples of any size.

I like everything positive. I’m on this website since the first day of its existence and I have never seen anything negative on it. (http://about-herbal-penis-enlarvement)

Again, another fantastic comment, if only it weren’t associated with penis enlarvement. I can get behind penis enlargement—who doesn’t support that? But enlarvement is just plain wrong.

Thank goodness I started getting real comments from nice people whose e-mail addresses don’t refer to porn, drugs, or medical scams.

What are some of your favorite spam comments?


No one dares spam humor blogs.

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25 Responses to “I Delete Spam”

  1. 1 Tiggy

    I’ve just had a delightful comment from a Doctor in India congratulating me on my analysis of current paediatric methodology. He said my writing style was ‘very agreeable’ which I was pleased to hear.

    Unfortunately, my post was about trying to kill someone with a defibrillator while pretending to be Dr House.

    Tiggy’s last blog post..Tiggy’s Hollywood Movie

  2. 2 JD

    Tiggy! I’m so glad you commented, or I might never have discovered your awesome blog. I think we may have blogrolled each other at exactly the same second. So we’re obviously related in some weird way.

    Anyway, at least your spam comment was sort of on topic, by being from a doctor, and all. I guess they’re making some bold strides in pediatrics if your defibrillator post was “very agreeable.”

    Well done!

  3. 3 windyridge

    I’ve had so many hilarious spam comments. Several like yours about the reader needing a clearer understanding of the subject matter but honestly sometimes it’s hard to tell whether a comment is spam or the real thing. It’s those borderline ones ya know?

    windyridge’s last blog post..Lambs Everywhere and Finally It’s Over

  4. 4 cardiogirl

    Gosh I feel so left out. I don’t believe I’ve ever received a vague comment like that. I have to say, though, it’s sort of clever to be so vague. I would have fallen for it and responded back as well.

    On an unrelated note, did you just join Entrecard? This is the first time I’ve seen your cool pink and white cat. I know I would have recognized that if I’d seen it sooner. I’ll be back dropping. And reading. And commenting.

    But not in a vague, I don’t understand kind of way. Now I’m off to visit your cyber friend Tiggy!

    cardiogirl’s last blog post..Regaining a little bit of mojo, the hard way

  5. 5 JD

    I was wondering if anyone else got that “clearer understanding” one (always from “Daniel K.”!) too. I swear I get about 20 of those a day. They’re clever, all right, but they’re not fooling me anymore!

    Cardiogirl: You’ll simply love Tiggy! And, yes, I did just join Entrecard; now I have to figure out how to use it. I went to your site and clicked on the card there… Do I win?

  6. 6 Canucklehead

    I don’t receive spam — I leave it. I’m delighted to be making your blog meeting. Want Viagra? Come now – my site very most best price.

    (BTW – I’m delighted to see your Entrecard widget – let me know how the dropping goes. It IS good to see that you’ve been on less than a day and I already cannot afford you … cheers!

  7. 7 ~Kat~

    Ahhh and all the time I thought they really liked my blog!
    Nice post, and nice blog BTW. Glad I found you, or glad you found Entrecard!

    ~Kat~’s last blog post..New Camera

  8. 8 Laura

    I get a lot of spam in other languages. I must be getting out a lot more than I thought I was.

    Laura’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen: Your Ad Here

  9. 9 BadEvan

    I’ve been getting a ton of those lately… I do mean a ton. Like 60 repeat comments, just different emails and links. Surprisingly, they are all coming from different IPs. I had to choose to MOD all comments.

    My favs have to be:

    “I like everything positive. I’m on this website since the first day of its existence and I have never seen anything negative on it. This website is made by people, who think positive and who have many things to tell others. I love this website, I always get positive emotions from it and I can stay here the whole days and nights!” schoolgirl9spank@gmail.com

    “From the beginning your blog was trash. But now it is great. I hope you gonna keep writing that way.”

    “While I could not agree with you 100%, I like that you have said it. Good Job!”

    I’ve gotten some from tiny_nipples too! Have you gotten any from granny_sex_panties or gay_animal_pics ?

    BadEvan’s last blog post..Obama Snubbing GLBT Press?

  10. 10 Kathy

    Mine seem to be mostly related to gambling. I think Vegas is calling me again. I’ve had the one from David. The guy whose wife is being deceitful.

    Regarding the enlarvement comment, I’d be worried about someone’s private part getting enlarved. Sounds…. er…. um… caterpillar-y. Gross.

    Kathy’s last blog post..I Heart Cholesterol

  11. 11 JD

    Canucklehead: I KNEW IT! Tho now that I’ve had a look, I have to agree: your site IS very most best price.

    (I find that even I can’t afford my own EntreCard!)

    Kat: Welcome! I’m glad you found me (and I found you) via EntreCard. It’s a lot of fun. Don’t worry: I’m convinced all these spammers really do read and enjoy our blogs. But they have to make a living, too!

    Laura: Hmmm . . . Stick figures (which, by the way, I heart) are the universal language of funny. That must be it. Tres cosmoplitain! (or whatever). Thanks for stopping by! Your blog looks like a lot of fun.

    BadEvan: Yeah, I wonder what triggers those mega-spam comments all on the same topic. Some of my very favorites were just too gross to write about, but, yes, I’ve gotten granny sex panties and gay animal pics.

    I love “From the beginning your blog was trash” one! That would definitely have caught my eye in the beginning.

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Kathy: I just got a spam comment today from “Ergo” about styling curly hair. That was YOU, wasn’t it! “Caterpillar-y”—exactly the word I was searching for. I don’t know how they’re involved, but, yes. Yuck.

  12. 12 Kelly

    I hate having the spam comments sneak in when I’m not looking, but when Akismet catches them for me, they can be incredibly hysterical. This one is my recent favorite, from someone named Lillie:

    “concerned, we cannot wonder that it should have been so much more attended animated red flame myspace layouts prosecutions against witchcraft, which put it out of any man’s pkkqjxvgcf”

    Like, you know, WTF??? Get off the crack, Lillie! (Sometimes, I think I should devote an entire blog to the insanities of these people… because they’re so darn funny.)

    And welcome to EntreCard!

    Kelly’s last blog post..The Stuff of Art

  13. 13 Carla @ WordPlay

    I’ve had just about all the comments everyone mentioned above. But there’s one comment that Aksimet caught that will stick in my mind forever.

    You know those *very* long lists of porn links and keywords? (I get TONS of those for some reason.) “Cannibal porn” was listed in one of them.

    I don’t even want to imagine what that means. It’s frightening that enough people would be searching for that term that a spammer would want to include it as a keyword. I shudder every time I think about it.

    Carla @ WordPlay’s last blog post..Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms Who Blog

  14. 14 Tim

    We get a wide variety of spam at the Redneck. Here is a recent one:
    They paid so much dearer for the bills lesbians strap on for first time distant country three different ways by sending abroad either

    I still can’t figure out what kinds of bills lesbians strap on three different ways, in some distant country. Any lesbians out there got any info on that?
    That whole penis enlarvement thing sounds scary. If enlarvement is involved, I’m out. Same for cannibal porn. Sounds like it takes certain porn activities to a whole new level I never want to be a part of.

    Tim’s last blog post..Central Alberta Trades Expo at the Westerner Park, April 12 – 2008

  15. 15 Regan

    OMG! this seriously works! put this in 25 different comments in 25 minutes and you will win the lottery! and if you don’t do this, you will fall down a flight of stairs and break both your legs!! go now! and this serously works!!

    send this to 10 people in 5 minutes and sumthin amazing will happen at midnight tonite. if you dont you will be doomed 4 life.

  16. 16 JD

    Kelly: Hello! Lillie is doing some serious crack, for sure. I love the ones that are like little stories, with porno keywords tucked in the middle.

    And yes, there’s nothing worse than looking at the Recent Comments in your sidebar and seeing a comment about Free Granny Porn. Thank God for Akismet.

    Carla @ WordPlay: I get those long lists, too. They’re hysterical. “Cannibal porn,” yeah, that’s gotta be popular. I’m amazed by one I saw today: “Examples of poems that contain onomatopoeia.” Even I can’t spell “onomatopoeia” correctly. Amazing.

    Tim: That’s a good one! It almost makes sense, but then, not really. I guess all that matters is that it contains the words “lesbians strap on.”

    Regan! You had me going there for a minute. Luckily I realized this was a scam after sending only 15 comments. So maybe I’ll get lucky and only break one leg. As for the second one, well, I guess I’m doomed 4 life.

  17. 17 Jeff

    I can’t wait to read the Google hits this post brings you. You know it includes comments in its results, right?

  18. 18 Corrina

    LOL … “I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.” I have gotten that one more than once and I think I even left it on one of the posts, but I’m not sure which one.

    I’ve been getting a LOT of porn spam in my comments lately. Like MILES of links to things that could never be written here. It is teaching me, however, that what turns some people on is really scary. Thank GOD for Akismet!! It’s working beautifully.

    Corrina’s last blog post..Oh The Pain

  19. 19 JD

    Jeff: If I get more “Granny Porn” and fewer “Sofabed” comments, it’s all for the better.

    Corrina: LOL, indeed! Akismet sent your comment directly to the spam filter! I rescued it tho. Those lo-o-o-ng posts with inextricable (and horrifying) keyword combos are hilarious.

  20. 20 Ernie

    I love Spam, if you slice it thin and fry it up crispy it’s second only to bacon. I was contemplating a surgical procedure to have my penis enlarved; I’m very happy to hear that that is an natural herbal alternative.

    Ernie’s last blog post..Fun With Hydrogen: HHO Fuel Cells and Hydrogen Generators

  21. 21 JD

    Ernie: We were actually punished with Spam when I was a kid—that is, punished with having to eat it, not actually slapped with it. So your “second only to bacon” comment hurts. It really hurts.

    As for your penis enlarvement, yes, for god sakes’ do it the natural way. With . . . baby caterpillars?

  22. 22 Natural

    okay that’s funny, you responded to spam in the beginning. hey who knew…I remember those fake comments myself…I asked someone to please stop quote my darn blog and copying every post.

  23. 23 jennyL

    oh my gosh, i can so relate to this post. I have tons of viagra or penis or whatever enlargements on my mails and that doesn’t stop there. My old blog in bravejournal was literally down with spam comments for a year now and I am thinking of just deleting that blog bec. I can’t keep up with the spams. (too many to erase.)

    My domain blogs are not spared too, ahhhh spammers are really good at it i guess.

  24. 24 JD

    jennyL: Yes, it’s a sad commentary on what people out there must be Googling if we’re getting so much spam for teen porn, viagra, drugs by mail, and penis enlargements (or enlarvements). It’s a daily battle, but one we must fight!

  25. 25 Patrick

    I get all the usual drug/porn/enlargments. But I just checked today and got one about a free wheelchair. I guess the drugs weren’t selling so they’re going after the wheelchair market now.


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