Always got a mouthful of such sweet things to say
Chewy’s full of sugar and I love her that way

This post was supposed to be about that mythical unicorn of the Sandwich World:

The Candwich!

It’s a sandwich . . . in a can! And I’m sorry to tell you that one of the flavors is BBQ Chicken.

My peeps, you KNOW ol’ JD would eat a Candwich so you don’t have to, but there’s one problem (apart from the fact that I don’t feel like throwing up today): The Candwich is not available for public consumption.

So why is everyone from Stephen Colbert to Gizmodo to D-Listed screaming at us about a product that we can’t even eat yet???

Who cares.

Because today I am pleased and horrified (plorrified?) to introduce:

The Strandwich

Remember how grossed out you were when, after months of nagging your mom, she finally gave in and let you try a Fluffernutter sandwich? Those commercials made it look so good, but the combination of peanut butter and Marshmallow Fluff turned out to be the most heinous flavor duet since diced peppers and corn (AKA: Mexicorn!)

I’m'a give you one more second to enjoy the ignorance of youth, because what you didn’t know then?

You now must acknowledge. There is a Strawberry Fluff. It’s here. It’s real. It’s not backing down.

And it is a key ingredient in the newest sensation of the Sandwich World: The Strandwich.

Now, I don’t have the soft white bread of my childhood, but I do have these stale diet hot dog buns.

Mmmm. What you can’t see from this photo is that the bottom of the bun is all soggy. That’s what makes it so diet-y! (i.e., one bite, and you’re done).

I cautiously open the jar of Strawberry Fluff and see . . .

. . . this.

It smells like Mr. Bubble and looks like hardened Pepto-Bismol. And what is that disturbing residue along the rim?

Maybe it just needs a good stirring . . .

. . . errr

The texture is like nothing I’ve ever encountered on this planet. It could definitely be used as a fixative of some sort. Surely it isn’t edible? But, no, there on the label it says, “Now With More Edible!” Oookay.

Fluff meet bun:

YOU GUYS! You’re not going to make me eat that, are you? It’s pink cement! On a stale wet diet bun! I needed two spoons to get it from the jar to the bun! Oh, but wait. I forgot the peanut butter. The peanut butter is the key ingredient that will pull together these two seemingly mismatched components:

Or not.

Seriously, I’m not eating that. Would you? Would anyone?

PRUDENCE! (Click to view action tongue)

Didn’t I just say I don’t feel like throwing up today?

Well, look. I’m not a quitter. I’m going to eat a damn Strandwich if I have to have Dave knock me out and stuff it down my gullet.

Thanks to my can(wich)-do attitude, I remember those stale diet graham crackers.

MUCH more palatable (and with just a hint of sogginess). This looks almost edible. I could be on to something here. My Strandwich will conquer first the Sandwich World and then the Real World! It will be chomped on by all!


I blacked out shortly after taking that one brave bite, but oh, my children. The taste lingers. IT LINGERS!

I have a well-rounded vocabulary. I’ve always thought I was pretty good at expressing myself. I only resort to expletives when it’s absolutely necessary. But I simply can’t find the words to describe the horror of The Strandwich.

Did you know pink has a flavor? It tastes like nightmares and ear-aches and the killer under your bed. Don’t be deceived by its innocent color.

I have created a monster.

A monster that no one will eat.

Except maybe . . .


*        *        *

What’s your most hated sandwich?


Candwich came from here

Always got a mouthful of such sweet things to say
Chewy’s full of sugar and I love her that way
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67 Responses to “I Create (and Eat) The Strandwich!”

  1. 1 babs - beetle

    Pink most definitely does taste awful! How can they call this ghastly stuff strawberry flavour? When kids have strawberry flavour anything it stinks the house out.

    You should have got toffee or chocolate flavour. That might have been more palatable, but then again…..
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..Painting by blackmail- instead of numbers =-.

  2. 2 Surfie

    You know why it’s REALLY called a Strandwich, right? Because the only way anyone would truly consider eating it is if they were STRANDed on a desert island and the only other option was eating their own foot. But even then, it would be a toss-up.
    .-= Surfie´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday- Anole Lizard Camouflage =-.

  3. 3 Stephanie Barr

    I’m actually not fond of any peanut butter and name-your-sweet-stuff sandwich. I don’t like the combination of sweet and protein pretty much ever (no honey ham, not barbecue sauce on meat, no honey-roasted peanuts). The only exception I make is for chocolate w/nuts.

    I like PB find by itself or on celery (all varieties of celery are diet), but mix it up with honey or jam and I’m out of there. And I like honey and jam fine without the PB, too.

    Weird, I know.

    Most other sandwiches I can do though I tend to prefer savory sandwiches (meat/cheese) vs. sweet. No way, no way, I’m eating a strandwich.
    .-= Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..Associative Logic =-.

  4. 4 Anne

    Oh my ewwwww! I don’t think my kids would even eat that and they love pink food. Did poor Prudence really eat the pink Fluff? Is she feeling okay? Shouldn’t this change the name to Prudence does things so you don’t have to? I give you great credit for taking a bite of that. You are definitely a better woman than me. I wouldn’t be able to make that sacrifice. After reading this, I checked out the Fluff Web site and discovered I can’t find Fluff where I live even if I want to. How did that happen and I never even noticed?

  5. 5 Kelly

    I don’t have a most-hated sandwich, because I only ever go near sandwiches that I like. But I can tell you about my father’s favorite sandwich that always made me throw up a little in my mouth whenever he started building it:

    Start with two slices of nutrition-empty white bread. On one side, smear a mound of ham salad (preferably my mom’s recipe, but store-bought will do in a pinch). On the other side, spread out a large portion of strawberry preserves. Before slamming the two parts together, be sure to wedge in three or four slices of fried bologna.

    Not quite as bad as the Strandwich… but still not good.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Breaking Free =-.

  6. 6 Ron

    Well, I gotta tell you…this post educated the hell out of me because I have never seen Candwich before!?!

    Marshmallow Fluff, yes, but never in strawberry.

    “It smells like Mr. Bubble and looks like hardened Pepto-Bismol.”


    My least favorite sandwich would have to be liverwurst – ICK!
    Reminds me of catholic school!

    .-= Ron´s last blog ..Cell Phone Storage…Oh- BRAther! =-.

  7. 7 Kathleen Kaufman

    My well meaning mother used to make deviled ham and mayo sandwiches for me when I was a kid. Deviled Ham tastes like cheap cat food….actually, I have no evidence that it wasn’t cheap cat food….

    She also used to make peanut butter, mayo and lettuce sandwiches which sound evil but are actually REALLY GOOD. I’m serious, you wouldn’t think the peanut butteriness and the creamy mayo would accent the crunch of the lettuce….yum. Downfall is that they have aprox. 1000 calories
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..Diagnose Me Google- An Ode To Insomnia =-.

  8. 8 puglette

    thank you so much for trying strawberry fluff for me!!! i do not like anything with artificial strawberry flavoring. just give me a strawberry, please.

    i do hope you succeed in finding the cand-wich. that would make an interesting post.

    i am like kelly, i only get near a sandwich i would like. however, that creation of her father’s is stomach churning! i am reminded of my ex-husband’s request for fried balogna sandwiches with miracle whip. bleurgghhh! the stench of that balogna kept me from eating hot dogs for years.

    you need an egg mcmuffin to get that horror off of your taste buds.
    .-= puglette´s last blog ..Dog Park Story =-.

  9. 9 Lidian

    Not that it is saying much, but pink probably tastes better than blue – I am not fond of blue candies, they are very strange. Strange and…blue. However, pink can be very bad as well: I am still recovering from the horribly pink Underwood deviled ham sandwiches of my childhood (shudder).
    .-= Lidian´s last blog ..Bob and the Tuna Macaroni Loaf =-.

  10. 10 Lauren

    OMG! I’m simultaneously laughing and retching at the pictures of the hideous thing sandwich. Actually, the strawberry Strandwich looks a lot like the blob and may devour humans instead. When laying like bloody cement residue between two stale crackers, the Strandwich reminded me of some-mores and camp outs. But for the Strandwich, “no more’ would be a more suitable name.
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..The Backside of the Unemployment Front =-.

  11. 11 Nathan

    You absolutely brought tears to my eyes!!

    Funny stuff there, question;
    Will you eat the left over strawberry fluff in 5 years (cause i’m sure it will still be in your pantry) so I or the boy scouts doing their canned food drive, don’t have to?

  12. 12 Jenn of Many Cabbages

    You know how you were just wondering on Facebook where Prudence was, and you didn’t want to run the drier until you knew?

    Prudence is probably stuck in that jar of pink marshmallow fluff.

    Dig in there and let her out. She got confused about what kind of fluff it was supposed to be in that jar and thought she qualified.
    .-= Jenn of Many Cabbages´s last blog ..Swiffer Popularity Spawns ToolFool Household Dating Site =-.

  13. 13 Linda

    Thank you for highlighting this…um…new item. What grossed me out even more was your description of the stale diet hot dog bun. Soggy bread practically makes me gag. Yuck. And then seeing it smeared with the gooey pink stuff that you even thought about eating…well, the sacrifices you make for us continue to amaze me.

    Although I’ve never seen the strawberry fluff, I do eat regular marshmallow fluff and peanut butter sandwiches, i.e., the fluffernutter. They’re good and more filling than the usual PB&J. They kinda make the soda foam when you eat a bite of the sandwich and then take a sip of soda (or pop depending on where you’re from).

  14. 14 meleah rebeccah

    I could NEVER eat any food that was colored PINK *gags*
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..An Open Letter To Mother Nature =-.

  15. 15 Barb @WillThink4Wine

    We ate Fluffernutters by the dozen when I was growing up! A jar of Fluff and a jar of peanut butter lasted only one day in our house with 8 kids! And loaves of bread were consumed daily… not loaf.

    We also loved a dollop of Fluff on the top of our hot chocolate! mmmm….

    But NOT pinky stinky pepto-bismal flavor.

    Funny, I posted about PBJs today. Is it National Peanut Butter Day or something?
    .-= Barb @WillThink4Wine´s last blog ..PB&ampJ and a Scooby Snack =-.

  16. 16 Kathy

    I’m a little vomity right now. I thought for sure after you stirred that sludge it would turn all fluffy and light and yummy-looking, but it seemed to get even worse, didn’t it?

    Prudence, honey, how’s your tummy today? Feeling a little off, are you? STOP EATING SCARY THINGS YOUR MOMMEH GIVES YOU!
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..It’s Hard Being Me =-.

  17. 17 Florida Girl in Sydney

    I am just sitting here alone hysterically laughing at your silly craziness! I LOVE YOU, you are so freaking funny.

    Omigod, that looks so disgusting.

    But I am surprised you didn’t know pink had a flavor… duh JD.
    .-= Florida Girl in Sydney´s last blog ..Winter Festival at Bondi Beach &amp Good Food and Wine Show =-.

  18. 18 Monique

    Thank you for doing that because just looking at the pics make me want to hurl on your behalf. It looks soooooooo disgusting. Ewwww.

    Along with wanting to puke though, I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard. You are too funny.
    .-= Monique´s last blog ..I’m Fat =-.

  19. 19 Shieldmaiden1196

    Most hated? The school cafeteria burger. Beyond the steam-melted government cheese, it always had that hard outer edge, and once you crunched past it, the internal squidgy bits of a different hardness. Like smoothly polished pearls of cow cartilage. On the upside, you got jello with pineapple and a handful of cold fries and the ever popular carton of chocolate milk and the whole shootin’ match was 95 cents.

    I can’t believe you don’t like regular Fluff though. On toast with PB, and all slightly melty and mixing together. Mmmmm.

    Please stop eating shitty diet bread. I will UPS you homemade bread if I have to. Diet bread is del diablo.
    .-= Shieldmaiden1196´s last blog ..Some Travel Reading for Your Journey out of Shametown =-.

  20. 20 Shieldmaiden1196


    The BBQ chicken Candwich looks like a Twinkie filled with cat sick.

    That is all.
    .-= Shieldmaiden1196´s last blog ..Some Travel Reading for Your Journey out of Shametown =-.

  21. 21 dana

    I sadly remember a day when my daughter was in high school. We’d had an argument that morning as I was fixing her breakfast…And I was fixing it QUICKLY just to get her out of the house and out of my hair. Only after I’d started cleaning up the mess, knowing she was in her first class, did I notice the bread I had thrown together for her. It was COVERED in green hairy mold.

    Before I could throw up, I was racing to her school, down her hall and into her class gasping “ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? DO YOU FEEL SICK?”

    Yep. And I don’t think she EVER spoke to me again.

  22. 22 Laura

    I remember in college as a theatre major…I played Carter in “Uncommon Women and Others”. During the one scene I had to continually stuff saltines topped with marshmallow fluff into my mouth. I have not touched the stuff since…and mine wasn’t even PINK.

    OMG that’s horrendous.
    .-= Laura´s last blog ..Dont Stop Believing =-.

  23. 23 Sue

    Just this week a coworker told me he puts bologna on his waffles, with syrup and butter. I thought it doesn’t get worse than that. But………….I guess it does. I think you invented a new diet because I’m not hungry anymore.

  24. 24 Sparkle

    When I read your post, all I could do was wonder if Prudence had to be taken to the emergency vet afterwards.
    .-= Sparkle´s last blog ..Bobbi’s Big Chance =-.

  25. 25 Grace

    any thing involving mayo, peanut butter, tuna fish, white bread, oh hell – I don’t like sandwiches -and consuming them does not constitute eating.

    BTW – They now have strawberry Twinkies! Like regular Twinkies were not bad enough. My husband bought some – you can smell them across a room. Not pleasant – that artificial strawberry flavor smell. They don’t seem to make the chocolate Twinkies any more.
    .-= Grace´s last blog ..Phantom Hair =-.

  26. 26 Tracy

    Strawberry fluff?

    Or mechanically separated chicken?

    I have horrible, horrible memories of that slimy, square ham that my mom used to buy for sandwiches. The memory of the smell still makes me gag.

  27. 27 Jeremy @ We Took The Bait

    I think I’m alone… but I saw the picture of the strawberry fluff, and turned into Gollum from Lord of the Rings… you know, wringing my hands and repeating “My precious…” over and over.

    So, the color and consistency make the contents of the container look like spackle on Perez Hilton’s bedroom wall.

    That’s fine. Because I can almost vicariously taste the artificial sweetness, and I want… oh, how I want…
    .-= Jeremy @ We Took The Bait´s last blog ..Review- Infinity Razor- Part II =-.

  28. 28 cardiogirl

    Best line ever:

    … pink has a flavor. It tastes like nightmares and ear-aches and the killer under your bed.

    When I saw the graham crackers I immediately wondered if a blow torch could make that marshmallow fluff into a faux-s’more.

    Most disgusting sandwich: My dad used to eat peanut butter and Kraft Mayonnaise sandwiches (stops to wretch.)
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..The book of questions- Volume 100 =-.

  29. 29 Princess Stupidhead (Janine)

    wow. trip back to the 60′s. cool. I mean groovy. I can almost smell that old peanut-butter-brown-paper-bag smell.
    .-= Princess Stupidhead (Janine)´s last blog ..How Many Ways Can You Say Fuck You =-.

  30. 30 Wynn

    LOL! That’s the most ungodly looking bun I have ever seen. And seriously, does pink taste like that? It’s making me throw a lazy eye on my pink stuff. Luckily, I’m not eating them, but it’s frightening to know that it WOULD taste like that if I tried.
    .-= Wynn´s last blog ..Apparently- I had more to say than I anticipated =-.

  31. 31 JD

    babs – beetle: Yes, then again . . . I don’t know. The texture was so disturbing. But the aggressive pinkness was the worst. The flavor . . . I still have no words.

    Surfie: YES! I wonder if I was subconsciously thinking of the “stranded on a desert island” angle when I came up with the name. I would eat my foot. Definitely. (Also: “toss-up” — hee!)

    Stephanie Barr: Mmmm. PB and celery. That’s a winner. I’m not a big fan of some sweet-savory combos (especially glazed ham or marshmallows on sweet potatoes — HURL!). Honey I cannot stomach. No one will eat a Strandwich after this post. And that’s as it should be.

    Anne: I tried to keep poor innocent Pru away, but she was DETERMINED to get at that hot dog bun abomination. I thought I’d get a photo of her nearing the dreaded Strandwich 1.0, but then OUT CAME HER TONGUE! I think you’re lucky that you are nowhere near Fluff.

    Kelly: Oh. my. god. WHY? Ham salad can be delicious, as can the other two ingredients, but together? That’s a sandwich made in hell. I would have to call that the HamBoStraw-wich.

    Ron: Good god, man! How have you lived this long without knowing about the Candwich??? It makes me even sadder that I can’t sample it on your behalf. Also? If liverwurst is the same as braunschweiger, then: mmmm. On a bagel with crunchy lettuce, please. And hold the Mr. Bubble.

    Kathleen Kaufman: Y’know, I’m kind of curious about the PB, mayo, and lettuce combo. I’d try it. It sounds weird and awful, but I can see it . . . kind of. I actually once BOUGHT canned ham salad, and cheap cat food doesn’t begin to describe the taste sensation. Altho the dominant flavor was salt, so the cat food part was somewhat hidden.

    puglette: I usually prefer fake strawberry to real strawberry, like Pop-Tarts or gum. But this? Mmmm. I LOVE fried bologna! Not with Miracle Whip, tho . . . possibly. I like mine either on bread with ketchup or on toast with a Kraft single. I wish I’d thought of the Egg McMuffin. Instead I just brushed my teeth for an hour.

    Lidian: EWWW! Deviled ham seems to be a popular contestant in the most hated sandwich category. I like blue Popsicles and . . . I guess that’s about it. Blue is pretty strange, all right.

    Lauren: HA! I love “No-More”! It does look like the Blob. I wonder if I disposed of the jar properly? I’d hate to wake up and find a huge pink mass lurching down the street and know I was responsible.

    Nathan: Tears? Success! I was crying too. Uh . . . yeah, about that. The Fluff is GONE-ZO. No doubt it would easily last five years, but I couldn’t bear to have it in my house. It was just that noxious.

    Jenn of Many Cabbages: You were right! But Pru managed to get herself out before I read your comment. I saw pink paw-prints all over the house and knew the horrifying truth. Pru had been Fluff’ed.

    Linda: That hot dog bun was the worst. I threw the remaining two away, only to discover an email from my husband this morning. “Did you throw away those hot dog buns? I was eating those.” WHAT? OK, now about this soda foam phenomenon. That does not sound right. Can you please make a video?

    meleah rebeccah: I do like pink frosting — as long as it’s really just vanilla frosting tinted pink. I have too many bad childhood memories of being force-fed Pepto-Bismol to ever enjoy pink food.

    Barb @WillThink4Wine: I hadn’t had PB in quite a while, and when I opened the jar — OH! the delicious aroma! But it was soon ruined forever. I just never got into the Fluffernutter. I wanted to, but it just didn’t work for me.

    Kathy: I know! I thought it would be light and fluffy too. It was not. It was heavy and leaden and awful. Pru is fine. I think she can (and does) eat anything.

    Florida Girl in Sydney: I LOVE YOU TOO! You’re so nice. And yes, I should’ve realized before now that pink has a flavor. I guess I was kind of blocking it out.

    Monique: The pics do not even tell the whole story. YOU SHOULD’VE SMELLED IT! But I’m glad you didn’t have to. I am happy enough just to make you laugh — I don’t need to make you vomit, too.

    Shieldmaiden1196: Weirdly, I actually liked most school cafeteria food — even the “burgers.” YES! “Smoothly polished pearls of cow cartilage”! That’s perfect! Oh, boy. I loved getting chocolate milk, because my mom would never let me drink it. Maybe I should give PB/Fluff another chance. But it’ll take me a while to get over this. And I will take you up on the bread offer.

    God, you’re right about the BBQ Chicken. Gag.

    dana: Oh, no. She didn’t blame you, did she? You’re a good mom, green bread and all. If I had been your daughter, tho, and opened up my lunch to find green hairy bread? I probably would’ve screamed and had a heart attack. So be grateful.

    Laura: EWWW! They made you eat on stage? What if you choked or . . . worse? Crackers? That’s the worst thing you can eat when you’re acting! I hope they gave you some water at least. Gah.

    Sue: Boy, I don’t know. Bologna and waffles? Alone, maybe. But not with syrup and butter. What the hell is wrong with these people?!

    Sparkle: Luckily Pru has a cast-iron stomach. She eats anything and everything, and in her two years of life, she has NEVER thrown up or even coughed up a hairball. She is truly a miracle of nature.

    Grace: Artificial strawberry has GOT to be the worst smell. However, I am curious about these strawberry Twinkies. I can’t help it. Weren’t the chocolate ones called something else? I would love a regular Twinkie with chocolate filling.

    Tracy: Oh, god, I KNOW that ham! And the gelatinous juice-like substance that clung to its slimy surface. OK, that pink stuff? Thank you. For killing me. Because obviously the Strandwich was made of mechanically separated chicken, and not Strawberry Fluff. Oh, my god. I can’t unsee that!

    Jeremy @ We Took The Bait: Spackle! That’s it! I was trying to think of the word. You want? Well, here you go.

    cardiogirl: A blow torch might’ve helped — if it had incinerated the whole thing. Bleah. Kathleen Kaufman (above) does actually quite enjoy the PB-Mayo (with lettuce) sammich. I’m tempted . . .

    Princess Stupidhead (Janine): Yeah, I know, right? Only my brown paper bags always smelled like lunchmeat. I liked PB, but I couldn’t eat it if it had been sitting around for a few hours in my locker.

    Wynn: Back away from the pink stuff! I’m glad I got to you in time. Consider yourself lucky.

  32. 32 Unfinished Rambler

    Well, I’m reading this on Saturday morning and I haven’t had breakfast yet. And now I don’t think I’ll be having lunch or dinner either. It might be a while before I eat anything. Thanks for that (thumbs up!). :)
    .-= Unfinished Rambler´s last blog ..Facebook- if you don’t know me by now… =-.

  33. 33 Jen

    What is my most hated sandwich? Why, this one of course. Ewwww!!!!!

    The bun looks kinda blueish, is that the diet part of it or is that the it’s been stuck behind the fridge for three months part of it?

    Pink food is just wrong.

    Thank you for trying this one for me, and I hope Prudence is okay. I didn’t see a disclaimer about no cats being hurt in the production of this blog post.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Where Was This Taken =-.

  34. 34 Penny

    I remember going to a sandwich shop in Nashville where they sold handwiches. They had about 40,000, or just slightly less, meals in a bun. I wonder if Strawberry Fluff was one of them.
    .-= Penny´s last blog ..The younger generation =-.

  35. 35 Lin

    It’s good to know that those things taste just as bad as I imagined. Ack! What the hell is Prudence thinking???!

    There are some things that sound awful but are truly good–like liver sausage and pickle sandwiches. I like those even thought they sound gross.

    I don’t like most sammiches. I’m not a sammich kinda gal.
    .-= Lin´s last blog ..A Giveaway! At the Duck and Wheel! =-.

  36. 36 Pricilla

    The publicist likes fluff – not with peanut butter but right out of the jar.
    OK she is weird.

    I don’t think she would eat pink fluff though. It looks like Barbie’s dream house melted.

    The publicist used to work in a deli. In a resort community.She made sandwiches ALL DAY LONG. There was beef tongue, there was chicken liver, there was olive loaf, and head cheese, there the dreaded munster cheese ’cause it made a mess of the slicers. There were combinations of meats not to be mentioned for fear of running off your readers.

    She remembers those days fondly.
    .-= Pricilla´s last blog ..Oh I Love the Garden – and the Male Person =-.

  37. 37 CatLadyLarew

    Oh, JD… that is perhaps worse than chicken in a can! The sacrifices you make for us so we don’t have to! Blessings on you!
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..The Fruit Stand- A Magpie Tale =-.

  38. 38 puglette

    i looked at the fluff website…there is a raspberry abomination too! have you ever made marshmallows at home? i hear they are pretty easy and quite tasty. you can make them so i don’t have to.
    .-= puglette´s last blog ..Dog Park Story =-.

  39. 39 Patricia (THAT kid)

    HAHAHA Surfie, you crack me up, STRANDed on a desert island…maybe that’s what could have made the Survivor series better…no rice or bananas, just rats and…that pink stuff.

    I’ll admit I do love myself some nutella, I can eat that stuff out of the jar with a spoon. I think the color has something to do with edible vs. inedible: remember when they tried to make ketchup ‘fun’ colors like green and purple? When even kids won’t eat it, you know your product has FAILED–I mean, kids lick poles on subway cars and pick gum off their bedposts from two nights ago and chew it again…not to mention other things I won’t even mention.

    The worst? EGG SALAD SANDWICH. Mayonnaise, eggs, white bread? In a semi-working 1980s Smurf lunchbox with milk in the thermos? That, my friend, is a recipe for food poisoning disaster. Well, would be, if I could have kept a single bite down…let’s just say there was an…incident in the cafeteria. You know THAT kid? Well, that day, I was THAT kid.

    I have a sister-in-law who is pregnant up to her eyeballs. Her drug…I mean, food, of choice? Mini-shrimp in the can with all the shrimpy water mixed with macaroni and cheese. I have to excuse myself for a smoke break when she eats it…even though I don’t smoke. The killer? My husband thinks it’s the most delicious recipe he’s ever tasted.

  40. 40 Patricia (THAT kid)

    P.S. Your answer to Sparkle about Pru’s iron tum-tummy–if she hasn’t thrown up in years, and she didn’t throw up the pink stuff, I don’t think that’d make her a miracle of nature, I’d go for the more descriptive ‘freak of nature.’ Do you know if she was born inside a nuclear power plant, by any chance? ;)

  41. 41 Will

    Ew. I lost my appetite so you don’t have to. Seriously though JD. We all enjoy reading your blog. Please don’t really eat anything shown in this post. We would hate to lose you.

  42. 42 Nicky

    Ugh. We just reviewed cheese in a can and I thought that was disgusting!
    .-= Nicky´s last blog ..As Easy As Your ABCheese =-.

  43. 43 David

    Words fail me. No, really.
    .-= David´s last blog ..Portland to Chicago- a Philosophical Interlude =-.

  44. 44 Daisy the Curly Cat

    I would think that any pink foods would be extra-delicious. I prefer my marshmallow in Peep forms. Maybe that Fluff stuff comes from the insides of Peeps. I like to lick p-nut butters. It tastes sticky.
    .-= Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog ..I Am Wearing a Rainbow! =-.

  45. 45 MomZombie

    Speaking of marshmallow atrocities: I begged and begged my parents to buy me Circus Peanuts. They finally caved. I ate the whole bag. They didn’t taste that good but I felt so guilty about begging. It took months to get the Circus-Peanut-puke smell out of the station wagon’s upholstery. I gag a little when I pass a bag of them in the store.
    .-= MomZombie´s last blog ..In the clouds =-.

  46. 46 Your Daily Cute

    Ick. I always thought of Pink as a flavor only as in what Gatorade flavor you want. They all have names, but we all know they are just yellow, red, blue, pink, etc.

    You are a brave, brave woman.
    .-= Your Daily Cute´s last blog ..Balloon Boxing Kitty =-.

  47. 47 Wurm

    As a proud member of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I am saddened and dismayed at your hatred of our State Sandwich, the Fluffernutter. But that’s your choice, I guess. In the future, however, the proper way to spread Fluff on a sandwich on a day with temperatures less than 70F is to nuke the jar in the microwave for a few seconds. It’ll spread like hot butter after that. Promise.

    By the by, my least favorite sandwich is anything with jelly or jam. Fruit was never meant to exist in a jelloid state of matter.

  48. 48 JD

    Unfinished Rambler: You’re welcome. Perhaps this is a new kind of diet, because after that awful bite, I didn’t eat anything for the rest of the day. I just brushed my teeth. Over and over and over . . .

    Jen: The bun was a sort of sickly gray — and it TASTED sickly gray. When it comes to Prudence, you should always just assume she came out all right. That cat and eat and DO anything. She is indestructable.

    Penny: Were they good? They almost sound like they could be good. And why “handwiches”? Because you could eat them with your hands? Like . . . sandwiches? I think they should’ve just called “sandwiches” “handwiches” in the first place.

    Lin: Prudence doesn’t think. She smells food, and the tongue starts to work. There is no thought. I would eat a liverwurst and pickle sandwich. I remember visiting a deli-type restaurant with several friends, one of whom said, “I don’t eat sandwiches.” We just stared at her. So are you one of those?

    Pricilla: Yes, I think there is a huuuuuge difference between white fluff and pink fluff. I can see eating the white fluff on a graham cracker or, yes, even straight out of the jar. The publicist is a girl after my own heart. Those sandwiches she had to make, tho, do not sound normal. No plain ol’ ham and cheese?

    CatLadyLarew: I don’t know if it’s worse than chicken in a can. Tracy at I Hate My Message Board was kind enough to already try that. But it was pretty bad. Thank you for your blessings. They will ease my nausea.

    publette: RASPBERRY? UGH! I will definitely make marshmallows so you don’t have to! That is a challenge that sounds like it can only have delicious results. Lookin’ up a recipe now . . .

    Patricia (THAT kid): I would love to have seen those Survivors try to exist on Strandwiches. The medics would have been called every other day. Nutella is the food of the gods. The end. Electric-green ketchup is the devil’s food. Period. I do love egg salad, but I doubt I’d find it to be very palatable after sitting around in a lunchbox all day . . . WITH MILK. OK, “shrimp water”? I have no further comment.

    I don’t know what’s going on with Pru. She is definitely a freak of nature, but of what sort? I think we’ll have to wait and see . . . maybe once she turns five her full superpowers will be revealed to us.

    Will: I appreciate your concern — and your loss of appetite. I was “smart” enough to eat only one bite. I even spared you a video of me taking that bite, because I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t hurl immediately.

    Nicky: Mmm! But cheese in a can is awesome! I remember that from my childhood. My brother and I used to squirt it on EVERYthing, much to my mother’s chagrin. Now I’m hungry for cheese in a can. Do I have to go to Wal-Mart to get that?

    David: Heh. I know. Some things are just that awful.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: I do love Peeps. Except for those angry red Peeps they bring out at Christmas. I can’t believe that pink stuff came from the deliciousness that is Peeps. Pru was going straight for the p-nut butters, I’m sure. Even she has enough sense to avoid Strawberry Fluff.

    MomZombie: CIRCUS PEANUTS! Oh, man, I used to love those. I would still eat them today. Yes, I believe I would. But not the whole bag. It seems like all the things I begged for as a child disappointed me hugely: Fluffernutter, Malt-o-Meal, and Yoo-Hoo.

    Your Daily Cute: Right. Dave recently asked for a Gatorade at a festival, and he was asked “Blue or green”? They don’t have flavors, just colors.

    Wurm: Oh, but see, hot peanut butter is not appealing. I’d give the Fluffernutter another chance. It was many years ago that I turned up my nose at it. But I don’t want it nuked. Maybe just enough to spread it. We are very different, you and I. I ONLY like fruit in its jelloid state. No annoying hunks of fruit to bother your tongue.

  49. 49 kathryn

    I don’t know, JD. Pru doesn’t look too enthusiastic about eating that pink-poo. If I’m not mistaken, I believe I can see her jaw clenched pretty tight there….

    Obviously, there’s a reason why food isn’t naturally pink in color….(the notable exception here is vodka sauce…but who can argue with that kind of perfection?)

    I hope you didn’t hit your head when you blacked out. This seems like a very dangerous experiment. We may have to take out some insurance on you for the future. I tried contacting Aflac about it…but that stupid duck said that they wouldn’t cover people eating foods with colors not found in nature.

    Hey. I tried.
    .-= kathryn´s last blog ..Now and Then =-.

  50. 50 Ali

    I almost couldn’t read past the words “Strawberry Fluff.” But, I pushed down the gagging and powered through. I’m so glad I did because now I know the definition of “pink flavored.”

    But, um, JD? Why is so much of the food in your house soggy. Food doesn’t usually come in a “soggy” flavor. You know that, right?

  51. 51 KK

    That is so rotten! I can’t get past the color of the bun! The cat licking it was the ending point for me. Well done, I am totally turned off and some what disgusted right now!
    .-= KK´s last blog ..when dates go bad part 1 =-.

  52. 52 Alexandra

    Yiax, some funky food there, hehe. Fun to see all ideas that someone must have thought was a great one at one point.

    Keep exploring, so I don’t have to ;-)
    .-= Alexandra´s last blog ..Smell it baby! =-.

  53. 53 Kitvy

    Very nice info. :)
    Unlucky for me, all those products are not available in my country. So I just read it here for the moment. :)
    .-= Kitvy´s last blog ..Cool Lemongrass Honey =-.

  54. 54 Courtney_P

    You brave, brave woman!

    I’m not a huge fan of strawberry flavored anything, so I was already feeling my stomach turn. I never really consider fruit to be a vital part of any sandwich.

  55. 55 dcr

    This post leaves me thinking… Will a canned witch float or sink? If the canned witch sinks, then it’s not a legitimate canned witch, right? But, if the canned witch floats, then the can is probably mostly empty so you’re not getting your money’s worth. So, it’s a lose-lose situation, I think.

    This post also begs the question… When are you going to eat paste so I don’t have to? I don’t think I’ve ever eaten paste, and I’m not sure I ever want to, so I think I need you to do it for me. Okay? After all, if you can eat strawberry goo and peanut butter on a stale graham cracker, I think you could eat paste.

    Unless you’re lactose intolerant maybe.
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Outsmarting the Spammers =-.

  56. 56 Tarheel Rambler

    JD, I owe you a bunch for saving me from the experience of the Strandwich. But I also have to thank you for providing me with my belly laugh for the day. This was hilarious!
    .-= Tarheel Rambler´s last blog ..Secrets to Successful Blogging =-.

  57. 57 Jenny H

    Pink fluff? I think I just hid under the bed for about 1/2 an hour. My word! I do like classic fluffernutter though. It’s far better than those hideous peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches my Grandma used to force us to eat as kids. Now THAT is just five kinds of all wrong.
    .-= Jenny H´s last blog ..Your Child’s Personality Tells All =-.

  58. 58 carissa

    I am so disappointed! I was rooting for the pink cement this whole post. I imagined it to taste a bit like strawberry laffy taffy only way better. I think this is something I might have to try on my own, but I DO think you were right by avoiding that hot dog bun. Oh and that peanut butter canwhich looks deelish too. Please alert me if you hear it’s available to the general public.
    .-= carissa´s last blog ..It’s my party You are on the maybe list =-.

  59. 59 Scrooge

    I would eats that but She says no way in a bad word would She ever eats that stuff. She is a picky eater. I is not. I likes to eat people foods.

    But I do likes meats better than pink stuffs. And cheeses. Cheeses is good foods too! And watermelons! Those is pink and I likes them so I do likes some pink foods. She says.
    .-= Scrooge´s last blog ..More Waiting For He =-.

  60. 60 Kathleen Kaufman

    I went to my local Smart and Final today and saw Deviled Ham in BULK! BULK! You can buy 18 cans of deviled ham for $11.99.

    But you really ought to try the peanut butter, mayo and lettuce sandwiches – I swear they are better than they sound.
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..The Pessimists’ Cookbook- Misadventures in Gastronomica =-.

  61. 61 JD

    kathryn: I swear, Pru was like a pink-poo seeking-missile (tho I think she was really after the peanut butter). Her jaw may have been clenched, but it was clenched with determination. I didn’t hurt my head. Luckily, Pru broke my fall. When she saw me take a bite, she leapt to my mouth to try to get some of the goo, and when I fell, she landed under my head. I know it sounds too good to be true. . .

    Ali: I think it’s only the “diet” food that is soggy — and that is just god’s way of saying, “Don’t eat this gross diet food.” I’m glad you were able to make your way all the way through, even if you did have to push down the gagging.

    KK: The bun was pretty gross, wasn’t it? I’m sorry if I ruined your day. I tried to get my husband to sample the bun monstrosity, but he pleaded a nut allergy. I was not so lucky.

    Alexandra: Yeah, I don’t know who thought this pink monstrosity was ever a good idea. I will keep exploring — but I will keep my Immodium handy.

    Kitvy: Well, what are some gross foods from YOUR country? C’mon, cough up.

    Courtney_P: I don’t mind a straightforward PB&J, but any other kind of fruit is not welcome in my stomach. And that goes for non-sandwich fruit too.

    dcr: I’ve never eaten paste, tho as a child, I smelled it for hours on end. I loved the smell, so I would probably love the taste. But what if glues together all my organs? That’s the only thing I’m afraid of. I think paste, tho, would taste better than that strawberry goo.

    And now I feel like I have to write a post on the persecution of canned witches.

    Tarheel Rambler: Aw, that’s nice. Thank you. Eating that one awful bite of horrifying food was worth it.

    Jenny H: Boy, I have to admit: I am a little curious about PB and mayo. I may have to try it. I think I’d hate it, but . . . dang, I’m just so curious. Well, I hope you’re out from under your bed. There’s work to do!

    carissa: YES! Strawberry Laffy Taffy!!! THANK YOU! That’s kind of what I was expecting, but I couldn’t think of the name of that stuff. You’ll be the first to know if the Candwich ever becomes available. I know some other bloggers will be reviewing it too. And PLEASE let me know if you try the Strawberry Fluff. Maybe you’ll have better luck.

    Scrooge: Well, now you have a point about watermelon. That IS good, even for fruit. Maybe you’d like the pink stuff on some meats?

    Kathleen Kaufman: BULK? NOOOOO! Why would that idea occur to anyone? And, yes, as I’ve said above, I am getting curiouser and curiouser about the PB/mayo/lettuce. It is definitely on my list of Things to Do.

  62. 62 Jay

    The grimace with the peeled back lips and clenched teeth hit my face with the bun picture, got stretchier and more fixed as I progressed through the terrible sight of the strawberry fluff on your spoons (did you know that in some parts of England ‘fluff’ means ‘fart’?) became cemented into place as I imagined you taking a bite and read your description of the taste of pink, and is STILL THERE!

    Please. Have pity. No more Strandwiches or pink-tasting food, and no more innocent cats being fed toxic waste, OK? And how the **** do I get my face to relax now? I’m afraid to look in the mirror!
    .-= Jay´s last blog ..Macro Monday – Puzzle No 30 =-.

  63. 63 JD

    Jay: HA! I love your description. It pretty much sums up my facial expression throughout the ordeal as well. I did not know “fluff” and “fart” can be synonymous in England, but it makes perfect sense. I suggest eating something very delicious to get your face back to normal.

  64. 64 kathcom

    Tongue. I opened a friend’s tongue sandwich once and I could see TASTE BUDS! Still makes me shudder to think of it.

    I’m impressed that you took a bite of that thing. And thank you for describing the taste of pink–”like nightmares and ear-aches and the killer under your bed.” That’s it exactly. But please take that stuff away from Prudence before she drops a pink poop.
    .-= kathcom´s last blog ..Magick Mini Movie Review- Bad Lieutenant =-.

  65. 65

    A canwidge? I guess I need to get out a little more often, haven’t heard of this one. As for marshmallow fluff- USED to think it was the best thing on the planet although I didn’t have the opportunity to try strawberry. Loved strawberry milk though so maybe….
    .-=´s last blog ..Today in history- Aug 16th =-.

  66. 66 JD

    Jay: HA! I love your description. It pretty much sums up my facial expression throughout the ordeal as well. I did not know “fluff” and “fart” can be synonymous in England, but it makes perfect sense. I suggest eating something very delicious to get your face back to normal.

    kathcom: OMG Taste buds?!?!?! Oh, that’s so gross! Actually, between you and me, I would love to see a pretty pink poo in the box instead of the usual abominations. C’mon, Pru! Make a pink one! Oh, no. Please. Don’t even think about trying Strawberry Fluff. That’s why I’m here — to try it so you don’t have to. PLEASE!

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