I Can Tap That

I kinda like that
I wanna tap that

tap

Recently I discovered a fun-filled Web site that’s all about SEX only funny.

It’s called Can I Tap That, and for those of you who don’t have a copy of Urban Dictionary handy, that phrase simply means “Can I have sex with yo’ ass?” Uh, not literally the ASS part, necessarily, just, you know, to have sex with somebody. It’s street talk, yo!

Here are the instructions:

Text someone and ask them if you “can tap that.”
Submit your hilarious exchange to Can I Tap That.

Examples from the site:

Me: Hey, when are you going to let me tap that?

Her: In your dreams.

Me: Sweet! I’ll see you tonight . . . rawr.

*     *     *

Me: When you gonna let me tap that?

Him: Gurl, i will slam your body down and wind it all around.

Me: Well that sounds . . . invigorating.

*     *     *

Me: Yo baby, baby check it. Can I tap that?

Her: I imagine you “can.”

Me: May I tap that?

Her: That’s better

Me: So when?

Her: NEVER!

*     *     *

Me: So when can I tap that?

Her: I’ll have to get back to you on that.

Me: Well, me and my hand are looking to make it a threesome.

Her: OH MY, I don’t know if I want to be part of that party.

Me: There will be punch.

Isn’t this fun? So I thought I’d try it out on Dave. He doesn’t have a cell phone, and I don’t really text, so I planned to just confront him.

In my head, it went like this:

JD: Yo, can I tap that?

D: Girl, you know I be down with that.

JD: Day-um, yo’ ass is fine! I’m a tap that mother!

D: Aw, hell, YEAH!

JD: Let’s get down.

D: Tap it!

JD: Right now?

D: Fo’ sho’.

JD: I have a headache.

In reality it went like this:

JD: Yo, can I tap that?

D: What?

JD: You heard me, man! Can I tap that?

D: (backing away) What?

JD: I wanna tap that ass.

D: Is this something for your blog?

JD: You’re ruining it.

D: What am I supposed to say?

JD: Just answer the question.

D: What was the question?

JD: CAN I TAP THAT?

D: I don’t get it.

JD: (sighs heavily and explains all about the Can I Tap That site, thereby wrecking the whole thing)

D: Oh, you young people.

JD: . . .

D: Hey, I wanted to ask you. What’s Twitter?

JD: I have a headache.

The problem, I realized, was that we were talking face to face. So later that day, I e-mailed him.

JD: Yo, can I tap that?

D: Yeah, sure. I guess. What exactly does this mean again?

JD: It means can I tap yo’ ass.

D: Yes, undoubtedly. If I can “tap” yo back. Am I saying this right?

JD: More or less. You got a package today. Is there something sex-ay in that package?

D: Cool. That’s my Chinese Jesus book.

J: I have a headache.

______________________

Why don’t you try this fun game? Ask a loved one—or, better, a complete stranger—if you can “tap that.” See what they say! Maybe you’ll actually get to tap that. Or maybe you’ll just end up with a headache. (pours Vicodin down throat)

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51 Comments


51 Responses to “I Can Tap That”

  1. 1 Barb - WillThink4Wine

    Well, JD, I am really glad you are doing this so I don’t have to, because I don’t text at all. More importantly, I have a headache! :-D
    .-= Barb – WillThink4Wine´s last blog ..They sure do it different here in south Georgia =-.

  2. 2 Regan

    Sounds fun! It reminds me of on mylifeisaverage.com, because one of the ‘trends’ is people texting other random people saying “I love you” to make their day happy. :D

    The most baffling part is when Dave asks about Twitter right in the middle of you trying to ask if you can tap that. I think there should be rules about that or something.

    It also reminds me of textsfromlastnight.com. People send in texts they sent, well, from last night. Then people can vote Good night! or Bad night! depending on what the text said.

  3. 3 absepa

    If I sent my husband a text asking him if I could tap that, he would think I had lost my mind. Or, that I had been kidnapped by one of the alarming gang fellows who hang around our parking garage, and that was the ransom demand.

    I love Dave’s response to your question: “Yes, undoubtedly.” It sounds so…proper.
    .-= absepa´s last blog ..Don’t it make my blue/green/grey/hazel eyes…brown? =-.

  4. 4 kathryn

    First to respond: SCORE!!!
    I would say that 90% of the people I know have no clue what Twitter is. The “older folks” (my aunts, uncles, dad, etc) use Facebook and the teens and younger use MySpace or they just plain ole’ text.
    So, you are suggesting that I text someone (a male, female and/or possibly a complete stranger) and ask them if they’d like to have sex with me, but use the word “tap” instead of “sex”. I predict this:
    1) They’ll get the slang, say “yes” and I’ll back away, saying “Put that thing away….it was just a test for this blog someone made me do.”
    2) They’ll get the slang and say “fuggetaboutit”, which will hurt my feeling terribly and you’ll be responsible for a year of therapy bills.
    3) They’ll have no clue what I’m talking about, I’ll have to apologize and explain the gist of it, at which time they’ll get defensive, or worse: angry….and then…well, see #2.
    Huh.
    I may have to pass on this one. Why don’t you try a complete stranger and let me know how that goes….
    .-= kathryn´s last blog ..Guid Luck =-.

  5. 5 C.B. Jones

    That whole exchange was just wrong in so many ways.
    .-= C.B. Jones´s last blog ..Need the 2 ply, El Presidente? No dice… =-.

  6. 6 Edie

    If you asked that around here in Northern Michigan, they would think that you were talking about a keg of beer! Too funny :)

  7. 7 Grace

    I like Dave…
    .-= Grace´s last blog ..It’s been a long year =-.

  8. 8 Daisy the Curly Cat

    I am laughing too hard to comment…
    .-= Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog ..Card Shopping! =-.

  9. 9 CatLadyLarew

    Maybe you should ask them if they took tap dancing lessons as a kid. (I did.) That would really throw them off… or turn them on… one of the two.
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..Rebranding the Crazy Cat Lady! =-.

  10. 10 cardiogirl

    Alright, I sent my husband an email simply stating, “Can I tap that?”

    And this was his response:

    “I’d be happy to answer or help!! I’m just not sure exactly what you’re asking…”

    Please note the liberal use of exclamation points which conveys happiness and helpfulness. He’s always there to lend a hand.

    Then he called me to figure out what the hell I was talking about. So basically it went down the way your conversation with your husband went down.

    He doesn’t get it.
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..I just need to know what they’re thinking =-.

  11. 11 Muskrat

    This is a twisted exchange that’s inappropriate for crackers over 25. Sorry, y’all.
    .-= Muskrat´s last blog ..my 10-month-old totally loves the indo. =-.

  12. 12 babs - beetle

    Oh, you young people! I’m so glad you tapped it so I didn’t have to. I have a headache – and a backache ;)
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..I’m a Really Happy Bunny! =-.

  13. 13 Kelly

    my conversation would have been more like…

    me: yo can i tap that?
    him: you’re a retard.

    *sigh*
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Gym Memberships Are Like Appliances =-.

  14. 14 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Dude, you’re killing me. And so is Dave. And Muskrat took my cracker joke.
    .-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Why Are You Talking to Me? =-.

  15. 15 Stephanie Barr

    OK, I tried this on my young and hip husband. He said,

    “What? Are you an idiot?”

    So I’m glad you’re willing to do so so I don’t have to.
    .-= Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..Trivia Break: Deadly Tropical Cyclones =-.

  16. 16 Kathy

    “Cool. That’s my Chinese Jesus book.”

    LMAO. I love Dave. And I love your post! You’re one of the only bloggers who can make me laugh til I cry.

    Sorry about the cancer thing when I Stumbled this post. Maybe if we all report to SU that this has nothing to do with cancer, they’ll fix it. Until then, sorry to all the cancer patients who think I think this is a cancery post.
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..For All Your Bouffant Needs =-.

  17. 17 Leeuna

    Ohhhh? So that’s what that means. Uh-oh, I think I said “yes”, or maybe something like “Sure, go ahead on.” (Because I’m agreeable that way)
    .-= Leeuna´s last blog ..Self Defense For Dummies =-.

  18. 18 Pricilla

    Erm, I am a goat. You don’t want to go there…….

    The publicist always has a headache. It CAN be useful. She doesn’t text either. You should have heard the conversation with the Verizon idiot when she wanted to get the text charge off of her bill…

  19. 19 JD

    Barb – WillThink4Wine: HA! I’m so glad I could provide this service. Yes, I think the key is in texting. Something gets lost in translation when you have the conversation over cereal in the morning.

    Regan: Both of those sites sound like fun; I especially like the idea of texting someone to say you love them. (But is it free?) Dave can be quite baffling. I didn’t get the jump from tapping to Twitter, but perhaps it all seemed like the same thing to him.

    absepa: Dave is nothing if not proper. He’s very concerned about saying the right thing. That’s why this all went so terribly wrong. At least in your hypothetical example your husband is concerned about your welfare!

    kathryn: Er . . . no. But you are the first to say “SCORE!” so you get a Twinkie. I can see that all options for your partaking in this experience lead to ruin and/or guilt on my part, so yes, take a pass. I’d definitely try it on a stranger if I could text that person . . . Hmmm.

    C.B. Jones: Indeed. Mainly because it resulted in no tapping.

    Edie: I thought Dave might think that’s what I meant. Not that we live in Northern Michigan, but we both have, in our day, tapped a keg.

    Grace: I do too. You’re sweet. Dave will be pleased.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Wow! That’s not a first, is it? Daisy? Speechless?

    CatLadyLarew: There seems to be enough confusion already without bringing tap dancing into it. Tho I can see potential for a romantic scenario . . .

    cardiogirl: Aw! Your husband is so cute and helpful! And clueless, like mine. Sigh. I wouldn’t change a thing.

    Muskrat: Hey, it’s worth a try. After all, texting hadn’t been invented when I was in my 20s (tho I can assure you that tapping most definitely WAS in existence way back then).

    babs – beetle: HAHAHA. Yes, tapping will do that to you. I know all about your secret life—all those X-rated Google searches!

    Kelly: Hmmm. That is neither a heart-warming response nor one that would be funny enough to submit to Can I Tap That. Too bad.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): HAW! Muskrat is like that. Uh . . . how ’bout you? Can I tap that?

    Stephanie Barr: Dang! Your young hip husband should’ve been totally DOWN with this! What hope is there now?

    Kathy: I know. “Chinese Jesus book” what now? Thanks for the Stumble . . . that “cancer” tag is somehow my fault, and I don’t know how to fix it. Oh, well. People with cancer need to tap that too, right?

    Leeuna: Agreeable is good, I think, in this particular situation. Well, depending on who’s doing the asking. Was it a stranger? IT WAS A STRANGER, WASN’T IT?!

    Pricilla: No . . . I guess not. I wonder how many Verizon idiots have to deal with unsolicited “tapping” texts.

  20. 20 Regan

    The website is free, but I think texting someone to tell them you love them is different depending on your mobile plan.

    And the website frowns upon texting people that now, but everyone does anyway! :D

  21. 21 trade show displays guru

    hi JD,

    First I agree with Dave, “Oh, you young people.”

    Second I agree with Edie. Yes, let’s tap that keg, especially if it is a Red Stripe!

    Third, I knew there was a reason I didn’t get texting enabled on my cell phone. I guess I’m just an old fuddy duddy, though I can still tap like a 20 year old. :)

    Steve, the counting trade show guru
    .-= trade show displays guru´s last blog ..Trade Show Kinsella =-.

  22. 22 NaTuRaL

    you should know with my typo typing behind self, i typed:

    can i tape that?

    jd, i’m crying over here. this was too funny. i had to stand, applaud and bow to your blog. you’re a riot, jd.

    there was noooo misunderstanding on my end. i did delete the e before i hit send.

    p.s. this will be the last time i let you plan my evening/morning/lunch hour.

    hall of fame woman!
    .-= NaTuRaL´s last blog ..Why I Miss The Rotary Phone =-.

  23. 23 Florida Girl In Sydney

    Hail yeah my ho, Imunna tap that ass, yo.
    I obviously am sooo down with the lingo, when my husband took a yr. off from working I started calling him my “bitch boy”— you can imagine how much he loved that.
    .-= Florida Girl In Sydney´s last blog ..Mad Libs Rock =-.

  24. 24 Lola

    Anastasia and I usually use symbols to convey that message.

    I texted ‘Can I tap that?’ twenty minutes ago. No reply. Anastasia is at her Mom’s house and probably left her cell phone in her car. (As usual.)

    By the time she checks her messages in 3 days and asks WTH? I will probably have forgotten I even texted her.
    .-= Lola´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts =-.

  25. 25 Heather Kephart

    You SLAY me! Hilarious! Even the post title had me rolling out of what I suspected might be coming & I was NOT disappointed!
    .-= Heather Kephart´s last blog ..This post irritates me =-.

  26. 26 Chris@TheSnackHound

    Well, just don’t say it to someone who runs a dancing school. They will want to make little bumper stickers and T shirts out of it, but then have to do a line drawing of tap shoes because they don’t feel they should make people think for a second…they want to be heavy handed and bang us over their head with a pun. That is so their merry band of donors who have donated to the school since 1932 will not misinterpret it. Though they probably wouldn’t be in the “tap that” demographic to begin with. Though I will admit that my 88 year old Great-aunt has Webtv and sends jokes that makes my aunt and dad blush.
    .-= Chris@TheSnackHound´s last blog ..Win a GlobeTrotting Trip From Stouffers (But Watch Your Hands) =-.

  27. 27 Bingo

    Ha ha ha this is so funny, I might try it with my friends! Thanks for this funny story!
    .-= Bingo´s last blog ..The mystery of dreams =-.

  28. 28 Preston

    I love your blog. Thanks for the laugh. I don’t have any loved one to “tap,” in fact, I don’t have any casual one for tapping either. I suppose I could tap myself. Does that work? Is it inappropriate to tap yourself in a text? or is it just scary?

    Actually, when I first read your post I thought, “My daughter took ballet when she was young but wanted to take tap a few weeks later because all the cool kids were tapping.” I didn’t let her. I feel a lot better about it now…
    .-= Preston´s last blog ..Heather’s Pop-pop Has Passed Away =-.

  29. 29 Daniela

    hehehehe. this is one of my favorite articles so far just because it definitely made me laugh. Too bad the headache excuse doesnt work anymore. I can only use it so much…and then i have to pretend to be out of commission all night.
    .-= Daniela´s last blog ..Cupcakes and Muffintops =-.

  30. 30 JD

    Regan: What harm can come of texting someone to say “I love you”? Other than the fee.

    trade show display guru: All RIGHT! Yeah, I’d rather be an expert tapper than texter any ol’ day. And don’t you worry. Any time we’re talking about a keg, it’s ALWAYS Red Stripe.

    NaTuRaL: Maybe I should’ve asked Dave if I could tape that. The exchange would’ve made a lot more sense, until I told him to take off his pants. THANK YOU!!! But I have to give the credit to Dave.

    Florida Girl In Sydney: HA! Hey, my ho! You know just how to talk to that husband of yo’s don’t you? Dave is taking next week off work . . . and now I know JUST what to call him.

    Lola: Ha. I guess that’s the trouble with texting. I never turn on my cell, so any tapping messages will undoubtedly go unanswered for longer than 3 days. But I’d still be up fo’ a tapping!

    Heather Kephart: Aw, thank you. It’s all Dave. The man opens his mouth, and I have a blog post. Plus you can’t go wrong with Can I Tap That.

    Chris@TheSnackHound: Wow! Someone’s got some deep-seated hostility toward their local dancing school, I guess. Personally I’d love to see little girls tapping away wearing “Can I Tap That” T-shirts. They’re probably already texting it anyway (along with your great-aunt).

    Bingo: Yes, try it and let us know what happens. Or submit it to Can I Tap That. (My exchange above with Dave was REJECTED!)

    Preston: And I love you. And your blog. I think requesting to tap yourself in a text could have hilarious consequences. Try it and see! Yeah, I think your lovely daughter is better off NOT tapping with the cool kids.

  31. 31 Ungirdled Passion

    Wow! Did not know that one! You so 3008, I so 2000-late! (got that from the new Black-Eyed Peas song! Tap them apples! Did I just speak geez and gangsta there?)
    .-= Ungirdled Passion´s last blog ..Beach Etiquette – Missus Manners Guest Blogs! =-.

  32. 32 Lin

    LOL! That Dave is such a hoot! That would totally be Joe’s reaction–”The hell???!” The kids would get it right away because not only do they know the street lingo, but they think anything I say to Joe is innuendo. They get all freaky if I say to him “Wanna touch my oven mitt?”–like it means something. I’m gonna try this one on him….
    .-= Lin´s last blog ..Semi-Wordless Wednesday: Stealing Fain’s Man =-.

  33. 33 Daniela

    so I tried this out.

    Me: Can I tap that

    Greg: Hell yeah!

    Me: thats not funny! I thought you’d say somthing funnier so i could tell someone.

    Greg: what?

    Me: Lets get a pizza.

    (I am not happy with my tapping experience)
    .-= Daniela´s last blog ..Cupcakes and Muffintops =-.

  34. 34 Lola

    Yeah, still no reply. Last night I asked Anastasia about it and she claimed to have gotten the text before that one, but not the ‘tap it’ text.

    Poor baby is all sick anyway, so no tapping. Poor thing has a diverticulitis flare up and then the doc prescribed something she’s allergic to, so she’s all swollen and hivey and all and all not much fun to be around. We are now into round 2 of medications and can’t tell if this new one is also causing an allergic reaction or if it’s still the first one. Waiting for the doctor’s office to open now.
    .-= Lola´s last blog ..If I Could Blog Back Time Thursdays – College Days =-.

  35. 35 Lin

    Update: Joe KNEW what the hell that meant! Go figure! Gees, Dave must really be out of it if JOE knew what that term meant.
    .-= Lin´s last blog ..The Bat-Signal =-.

  36. 36 flit

    I have no doubt that if I asked hubby that, he’d hand me a hammer and put me to work putting up shelves or something
    .-= flit´s last blog ..A New Start =-.

  37. 37 Shop with Me Mama

    LMBO! Love it!
    .-= Shop with Me Mama´s last blog ..Office Max, Peter Walsh and Back-To-School Review & Tips! =-.

  38. 38 roschelle

    Pretty funny! Most of my friends would know I was joking. However, I feel the beginnings of a plot to try it out on some of my male co-workers…(laughing already)
    .-= roschelle´s last blog ..I Love Happy Endings…. =-.

  39. 39 JD

    Ungirdled Passion: HAR! I know for sure I am too old to be using this way-cool street talk, but I do love it, nonetheless. Now which BEP song is that from? ‘Cuz I can’t stop singing “I Got a Feeling.”

    Lin: Oh, those young people. (Also, look up “mitt” on Urban Dictionary . . . your kids are quite perceptive). ANYway, yes. Good ol’ Dave. I can always count on him.

    Daniela: I don’t know. It ended funny. And at least you turned a potential troubling situation into an excuse for pizza. Keep trying!

    Lola: Oh, no! I hope Anastasia feels better soon and is up for some tapping.

    Lin: I’m so embarrassed. For Dave. How could you not een sort of figure it out? Oh, DAVE!

    flit: Well, you’ll never know if you don’t try (see above, re: Joe). You may be pleasantly surprised!

    Shop with Me Mama: Wheee! Thanks!

    roschelle: Please, PLEASE see your plot through and try it out on your co-worker. Then come back and let us know.

  40. 40 Canucklehead

    Well, I broke down and tried it with Mrs. C – her answer was exactly as I expected:

    ME: Yo, can I tap that?
    MRS C: I guess so. Are you asking me?
    ME: Yes, you! Who else would I be asking? So, can I tap that?
    MRS C: Who talks like that? Is this an internet joke? Remember we have people coming over for cards tonight. What time are you coming home?
    ME: Is that a maybe?
    MRS C: I have to go.

  41. 41 Corrina

    I am SOOO doing that to Kris today!! LOL Be back later with the results. If I’m able to reprint them, that is. Lol

  42. 42 Maureen

    OMG… I read this at work this afternoon and just had to wait until tonight to comment. I was literally laughing too hard to be discreet.

    “D: Is this something for your blog?

    JD: You’re ruining it.”

    That is SO my hubby too.

    You, my dear, are hilarious!

  43. 43 JD

    Canucklehead: HA! I think that’s worthy of submission to Can I Tap That. I hope your card game didn’t interfere with the tapping. And I love how Mrs. C. clarified just WHOM you were making the request of!

    Corrina: PLEASE come back and relate your exchange. You can use asterisks, if necessary. You’re probably one of the few readers here who may actually have a legitimate “Can I Tap That” convo!

    Maureen: Hee! Thank you. I have to give the credit to Dave. I knew all I had to do was ask the question and let the rest just play out.

  44. 44 Secret Agent Mama

    Just did it!! LOL

    Me: Yo, can I tap that?

    She (my friend Angie of A Whole Lot of Nothing): Que?

    Me: You know, tap dat ass beesh!

    Angie: Yes please

    Me: lol…this is from a challenge issued by JD of I Do Thinks! lol…love ya

    —LOL LOL JD, you kill me!

  45. 45 JD

    Secret Agent Mama: Excellent! Now be sure to submit it to Can I Tap That so the world can see your hilarious exchange! (Your friend Angie sounds awesome.)

  46. 46 blaugra

    Holy crap!!! Funniest thing I’ve seen all week. I know it’s only Tuesday, but how can the week get any better?!!!

  47. 47 JD

    blaugra: It can’t! Seriously, you are sweet. Thanks for stopping by. Your opinions are welcome and . . . correct!

  48. 48 Jen @ lifelove'n'wine

    Haha, oh my gosh! You are too funny. I love the “I have a headache” thing. Awesome.

  49. 49 JD

    Jen @ lifelove ‘n’ wine: Oh, thank you. We mustn’t ever feel ashamed to bust out the “I have a headache” line. It’s why God gave us headaches, after all!

  1. 1 Herstory In the Making at ThinkingOutLoudBlog.com
  2. 2 My Random Blog » Blog Archive » My Ridiculousness, Part I

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