I Bought Some Cherries

Can’t stand still while the music is playin’


What the hell am I supposed to do with these?

Before you answer, let me share a seemingly unrelated anecdote.

In her later years, my great-aunt Mil lived in a nursing home. This was no fun for anyone, least of all her. We tried to cheer her up with bakery cookies—you know the kind: the tiny buttery ones with multicolored sprinkles. She loved those cookies and was reluctant to share them. Sometimes we had to get a little rough.

Then one day she received a package containing a very fancy-looking tin of cookies. They were lemon and powdery and completely sprinkle-free. Great-Aunt Mil removed the tray of cookies, looked at them with skepticism, and asked tremulously, “Are these to be eaten?”

Well, that, essentially, is my question to you, regarding this bowl of cherries. They’re red and shiny and round and pretty. But are they to be eaten? I put one in my mouth and I’m pretty sure the answer is “no.”

So, what the hell am I supposed to do with them? They’re obviously not edible. Are they to be cat toys? Are they to be given to my neighbors who are already stealing my tomatoes? Are they to be frozen, shellacked, and made into some sort of Christmas ornament? Are they to be thrown out even tho I paid $5 for them at a farmers market because for one crazy minute I thought I actually liked cherries?

Can someone please tell me???


Coming in August:

  • I Get a Colonoscopy so you don’t have to (possibly with exciting video!)
  • I Go to Toronto so you don’t have to
  • I . . . something about Zombies so you don’t have to
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45 Responses to “I Bought Some Cherries”

  1. 1 Kelly

    I like cherries! You could give them to me.

    And as for your coming events, I sincerely appreciate your thoughtfulness in getting a colonoscopy so I don’t have to. Unfortunately, I don’t think my doctor is going to buy that. Darn him. He might forget to send me off for one this year, but he’s sure not going to forget next year. Aren’t mammograms enough??? Darn him again.

    Kelly’s last blog post..Spirit Runner

  2. 2 Brownie

    Eat the cherries? If you don’t eat them can I eat them?

    Brownie’s last blog post..Domingo Dócil: Día del perro callejero

  3. 3 JT

    ooooooooo Cherries! I likes dem things. I’ll trade you my serving of shrimp for them!
    Isn’t it weird how you can look at something and it seems to just be delicious, then you put them in your mouth and discover it really isn’t what it advertised itself to be? I prefer to try new things at home, so when I spew the contents of my mouth all over the kitchen, no one laughs but my family. And for me, that thing would shrimp. All delicate and pink, I have tried over the years to enjoy that taste in my mouth, but sadly, it is my cherry.
    You know, you can actually paint with those things? That would be a great dinner conversation piece. “Where did you get that fabulous painting, and how did they do that remarkable color of red? It’s a great interpretation of abstract impressionism!”
    “Yeah, I did that with this bowl of cherries that were gorgeous to look at, but tasted disgusting. One of my blog commentators suggested I try painting with them, so I spent 20 minutes squishing and swabbing them across paper.”
    Silence for the peanut gallery.

    JT’s last blog post..Bad Joke Day

  4. 4 Monique

    I loooooooooooove cherries. So, you can send them to me. :)

    Monique’s last blog post..She Is Our Miracle

  5. 5 Bcarter

    Freeze them and resell them; the Door County cherry crop in WI is only about 10% of what it usually is. The price of cherries is definitely going to be up this season.

    Bcarter’s last blog post..Stoney Update – Picture 25

  6. 6 Kath

    I’m with you, sister. I don’t care for cherries at all. I specifically ask for them not to be placed on the top of my sundaes. What? And get all that weird cherry juice all over my glorious deliciousness? I like cherry things, I just don’t like them in their raw, natural state. And certainly not so many of them congregating in one bowl. Just who do they think they are? Throw them out, I say!

    p.s. Great Aunt Mil rocked!

    Kath’s last blog post..Man on Mars?

  7. 7 Babs - beetle

    Oh cherries – my favourite! Don’t like much other ‘soft’ fruits, but cherries. are yummy!

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Not much you don’t know now!

  8. 8 Babs - beetle

    I like spitting the pips ha ha!

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Not much you don’t know now!

  9. 9 Chelle B. ~ offendedblogger

    Yummm! I will take them, how can you not love cherries?!

    I will gladly trade you your unwanted cherries for a bowl of brussel sprouts. :)

  10. 10 Alice

    Mmmm…I’d take them if I was near you. I especially love the mega expensive Ranier Cherries at the supermarket. So good.

    Loved your Great Aunt Mil’s comment, “Are these to be eaten?” I’m using this at my sister’s place next time.

    Alice’s last blog post..PA Visit That I Don’t Even Really Feel Like Writing About

  11. 11 Susan

    I love cherries, but I hate dealing with the stems, the pits, and the stains. Not a big fan of maraschino cherries, although I remember enjoying Shirley Temples as a kid at weddings.

    Maybe there are some things that you should let the rest of us do so that YOU don’t have to.

    Susan’s last blog post..PhotoHunt: Hanging

  12. 12 Daisy the Curly Cat

    I’m not eatin’ those things, either. Maybe we can get Mikey to eat ‘em. He’ll eat anything.

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Sunday Comics with Daisy!

  13. 13 Jay

    I’m with JT – paint with them! That’s a great idea! LOL!

    I love cherries. LOOVE them! What a pity I’m not nearer – I’d eat them so you don’t have to! ;)

    Jay’s last blog post..How to deal with men

  14. 14 Natural

    well you can’t waste food, so here are some options:

    leave one on the desk of each of your coworkers, but they can’t see you do it. wait until they go to the bathroom. (wait, i can’t remember if you work outside the home).

    if you stay at home, throw them at passerbys from your 2nd floor window. hit the mailman if the brings the mail late. we will have to rename them to: cherry bombs. nobody can see you do this either.

    visit someone at a nursing home you don’t know, and tell them you brought them a bowl of cherries and stay there until they finish eating them all.


    Natural’s last blog post..As Not Yet Seen On TV

  15. 15 dcr

    They are much better if you remove the pits first. I’ve found that eating them whole is distasteful. The fruit is fine, but the pit just ruins the flavor. Maybe it’s the blood mixing in with the cherry flavor after you’ve split a tooth in half and your gums begin bleeding profusely. And, the pain tends to distract you from any enjoyment you might have had from the cherries. But your dentist will appreciate your efforts. But, spit out the cherries before you go, lest he think your bleeding is worse than it actually is.

    dcr’s last blog post..Hodge Podge, or What to Say to a Hot Mom in Her Used Lingerie with Obama’s Headshot Ironed On

  16. 16 dcr

    Did I mention you can make your own cherry Coke or 7-Up with them? Oh, I imagine you could do the same with Pepsi, but who drinks that stuff? Just make sure you remove the pits again! It’ll take all the enjoyment out of sipping your soda if you’re choking to death on a cherry pit.

    dcr’s last blog post..Hodge Podge, or What to Say to a Hot Mom in Her Used Lingerie with Obama’s Headshot Ironed On

  17. 17 JD

    Kelly: Maybe you could use that picture as inspiration, and create a cherry-themed piece? (they’re ROUND!) Also, see JT’s comment below!

    As for the colonoscopy, it should be interesting. I’m guessing there are going to be a lot of grateful readers out there. But don’t let my doing it prevent you from taking care of yourself. BUTT HEALTH IS IMPORTANT!

    Brownie: They’re yours! I even washed them!

    JT: You actually like them? Hell, yes, I’ll take your shrimp in exchange. “Shrimp is my cherry.” That sounds so sad.

    Wow, maybe I’ll actually try painting with them. Unfortunately, I can’t paint, but I can smoosh them onto a piece of paper. That might bring me a great deal of satisfaction, actually . . .

    Monique: Oh, my gah. You’re all going to tell me how much you love cherries, now aren’t you? I just don’t get it. They’re pretty, but . . . they taste like . . . red sourness.

    BKayCarter: So you can freeze them? Excellent. Your Door County cherry statistics make me feel slightly guilty.

    Kath: Whew! I’m not alone! Exactly. Who do they think they are?! And how did they come to be such a staple of the ice cream sundae? How do you ruin ice cream? Put fruit on it!

    Babs – beetle: I’ll have to split them up between 3 people so far. It may end up that everyone out there who likes cherries will get just one.

    So you call them “pips,” eh? I think they’re “stones” here. Either way: GROSS! They don’t belong there! Why did nature make something edible with something inside that you have to spit out???

    Chelle B (ican’tfindthetildeonmykeyboard) offendedblogger: You’re on, sister! I will slice those sprouts thinly, sautee them in garlic and olive oil, and cram them in my mouth with joy. Thank you!

    Alice: So, maybe the Ranier cherries taste better? That’s my theory: the more expensive, the better it must taste. I’m already sending some cherries to Babs in London, so I can send you a few, too.

    My brother and I say that all the time, regarding any food item. Cracks us up.

    Susan: Now you’re talking. I should’ve titled this post: You Eat Cherries so I don’t have to. It certainly seems that there are enough of you who like them. I am baffled.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: HA! You’re right! Or what about Mr. Shrill? Maybe if we take away his eyeballs and tell him they’re candy?

    Jay: You’re so nice! Maybe instead of shipping off a handful of cherries to interested readers I’ll make you all a nice, cherry painting and post it for your viewing pleasure.

    Natural: I like you, Natural. “Well, you can’t waste food.” That’s not even an option. OK, so let’s see. Option 1 is no good, but I could definitely see me throwing cherries at passersby. I like my mailman, tho, but I’d love to try hitting that guy down the block who talks on his cellphone in the street in the middle of the night.

    And . . . I am still laughing at your final suggestion. “Leave?” HAW!

    dcr: Oh, no! Sounds like someone has had a traumatic cherry experience. Pit? Stone? Pip? Regardless, the cherry is more deadly than I thought. I can see how blood would ruin the flavor of . . . most things. I know: just spit out the cherry AND the pit before either does any more damage.

    Now I do quite like Cherry Coke! Do you just crush up the cherries and dump them in your glass? That whole choking to death thing does sound rather annoying, tho, so I think I’m safest just bypassing this whole cherry thing.

  18. 18 ann of the shampoo bag

    I will not eat them on a boat, I will not eat them with a goat. I will not eat them Sam-I-Am.

    Too bad, because they do look dessert-worthy. Well, you could send them to me, and then I’ll leave them in the lunchroom at work. That’s what I do with unexpected inedibles.

  19. 19 floridagirlinsydney

    Chop them in half and make these:

    You can put that link back together into one word.

    Instead of jam, use half a cherry in each cookie.
    I made these 2 days ago— they rock the house.

    On the other hand, if you don’t cook or bake–
    make a huge batch of cherry lemonade by throwing them into lemonade–
    or better yet– cherry sangria?

    floridagirlinsydney’s last blog post..Save the Drama for your Mama

  20. 20 Maureen

    Mmmmm…. love cherries. But only the tart underripe ones.

    Yes, I am weird that way.

  21. 21 JD

    ann of the shampoo bag: I’m with you, Ann-I-Am. Maybe I’ll make Dave take them to work to pay back all the ladies who try to foist donuts and cookies on him every day. HERE! Take these gross, healthy cherries! That’ll show ‘em.

    floridaygirlinsydney: I love your recipe blog! Carrot PB&J cookies? CRAZEE! They look great, except for the healthy part. I’d hate to ruin them with these evil cherries, so I would use strawberry jam, too, I think. Cherry lemonade might work, too. Ooh, sangria! I hadn’t thought of that! (feverishly begins slicing oranges and lemons)

    Maureen: Oh, dear. Yes, you are weird. You would love these particular cherries, I think. Or maybe by now they’ve ripened enough to actually be flavorful.

  22. 22 Sarah

    I’m agreeing with kath and adding that my cousin ruined cherries for me. I didn’t like them in the first place, but he ate WAY WAY WAY WAY too many and got really sick, and a really-sick-four-year-old is a little mind changing for a already-cherry-hating-fifteen-year-old. Needless to say, i don’t even touch them to get them off my ice cream, i have to use a different spoon.

  23. 23 Lori

    You could always string them and hang them on a tree outside your office window. Surely the birds will eat them!!

  24. 24 Jenny

    I love cherries but I don’t think I’ve ever eaten them like that, just plain and in their natural state. Could it be they don’t taste good that way? I can eat a whole jar of maraschinos in one sitting and I love that cherry pie filling from a can, smeared copiously on a belgian waffle and then piled high with Redi Whip … can you put a cupful of sugar on them thangs and let them sit in it for awhile and then try again? Or just give ‘em to Gus.

    Jenny’s last blog post..This Just In …

  25. 25 Meg

    I think some sort of card/drinking game is in order with the loser eating the cherries.

    And I hope you aren’t upset with my review of your blog–sometimes I say things that are inappropriate (these other humor-bloggers are getting to me). You know I love ya.

    Meg’s last blog post..In Which I Lose The Battle

  26. 26 Mom Taxi Julie

    How could you not like cherries! They are yummy!

    Mom Taxi Julie’s last blog post..More Old Photos

  27. 27 Angi

    Ironically, my boss hates cherries and just gave me a whole bag of them this morning…eating them plain is my favorite, too. And, up here in Washington we call them “pits”. ;-)

    I like the cherry sangria idea…floating cherries in a drink means you don’t have to eat them, but they look pretty…or bake a pie!

    Or….set them on your sidewalk with a “FREE” sign. That’s a good way to get rid of just about anything where I live. ;)

  28. 28 JD

    Sarah: HA! I love that you have to use a different spoon to remove the offensive cherry, so you won’t defile your “eating” spoon. I almost got sick eating only one, so I can sympathize with your cousin, who, even at four should’ve known better.

    Lori: Yes, but then will the birds come to expect cherries every week? I already feel guilty when I forget to put out bird seed. I don’t want to raise their little birdy expectations.

    Jenny: I think you’re on to something. They DON’T taste good that way! They absolutely need sugar, Redi Whip, Lucky Charms marshmallow bits, maple syrup, and a good dose of Froot Loop cereal dust to make them palatable.

    And now I want a waffle.

    Meg: YES! Great idea. And they have to eat them ALL in one sitting, until they puke. Wow, I’m not very nice, am I?

    I loved your review. Also? I am totally game.

    Mom Taxi Julie: Oh, no! They are evil and foul, like most fruit. What makes them so evil is they LOOK innocent and delicious. That’s how they draw you in. EVIL!

    Angi: That is quite ironic. Your boss sounds very wise. The cherry sangria idea is sounding better and better. I don’t dislike the cherry flavor found in, say, Pop Tarts, so I’d probably like the flavor imparted by cherries to the sangria.

    The “FREE” sign sounds easier, tho.

  29. 29 Jinksy

    You throw them off a very tall building and wait for the headline to appear in the morning paper.

    “Death Toll at 15, Due to Undetected Maraschino Storm”

    Jinksy’s last blog post..Giant Japanese Women Attack NYC

  30. 30 Ethan Nobles

    Just had to mention something about the end of your post — a colonoscopy is no fun at all.

    The last time I had one, my doctor tells me I was gabby while under the anesthetic. He said he asked me how I was doing and I said, “At least this beats the hell out of being at work…”

    Heh, heh.

    Ethan Nobles’s last blog post..How much does a house in Arkansas cost?

  31. 31 Jeff

    I Returned Some Cherries so you don’t have to.

    On Saturday I picked up a bag of cherries from the produce dept without looking at the price. Not a large bag mind you, but an average-sized bag about as big around as a cantaloupe. Then I bought my things and started to head out of the store when it suddenly dawned on me that I had just paid a shitload of money for like 3 little things. When I looked at my receipt I noticed that stupid bag of cherries was $8.00!!! WTF? That’s when I went back in and returned my cherries. So you don’t have to. I didn’t need them that bad.

  32. 32 Musing

    No advice for the cherries but for the colonoscopy: don’t be brave. Take whatever meds they’ll give you.

    Musing’s last blog post..Say hello

  33. 33 JD

    Jinksy: Oh, how I love that name. YES! A maraschino storm. I like it. I bet those pits or stones or pips or whatever could really do some damage.

    Ethan Nobles: I’m not expecting it to be too much fun, but as you so eloquently pointed out, at least it gets me out of work for a day. I’m hoping my doctor will let me record my procedure.

    Jeff: Oh, MAN! That is some expensive fruit! WTF, indeed! At least you noticed and were able to return them. I wish I’d noticed that I do not, in fact, even like cherries, and returned mine immediately. Still, here they sit.

    Musing: Meds? Really? I didn’t think I’d get any. Well, I’m feeling much cheerier about this!

  34. 34 Regan

    When life gives you cherries….

    …make pie
    …throw them at people
    …use them as kitty toys
    …make a delightful cherry drink
    …storm into that store and demand your money back

    Any of these helpful?

  35. 35 brooke regans friend

    i like cherries but not those sweet in edible cherries that make whipped cream look like something stabbed it i do agree with regan about the pie

  36. 36 jennyonthespot

    OK. You’re funny. Now I have to go get your feed and everything!

    Laughing is one of my favorite things to do… and just the title of your blog sends me!

    jennyonthespot’s last blog post..6 random things.

  37. 37 JD

    Regan: I’m gonna go with “make a delightful cherry drink,” only because you make it sound so delightful. Prudence already has way too many toys, and I know she’d just make a mess. Thanks for the suggestions!

    brooke regans friend: Yes, cherries can sometimes add an unwanted violent touch to an otherwise innocent dessert. Pie, you say? Hmmm. I like the cherry goo, but not the actual fruit.

    jennyonthespot: Ain’t you nice! Thank you and welcome. We seem to have a lot in common already!

  38. 38 Harris Bloom

    hey you dont have to,

    ooohh…zombies…i’m already moist with anticipation.

    rock on,


    Harris Bloom’s last blog post..I Had The Perfect Thing To Say After We Left!

  39. 39 JD

    Harris Bloom: You should be soaking WET with anticipation! (wow, the pressure is really on now.)

  40. 40 dcr

    Actually, to make a Cherry cola, I de-pit the cherry, and then squeeze the cherry juice into the glass. I usually just drop the cherries in too; let’s the cola soak up more flavor. Of course, if you don’t like cherries at all, you don’t have to put the squeezed fruits in; just the juice!

    dcr’s last blog post..Color Me Gone, or Maybe Just Use White Correction Fluid

  41. 41 JD

    dcr: That’s it? But cherry cola is so delicious. It seems like there must be more steps: steps involving a lot of sugar. Hmmm. I may try it. I’d definitely use only the juice. Thanks!

  42. 42 dcr

    Well, the cola already has sugar, and the cherries have natural sugars, so I really don’t see the need to add more sugar to it.

    It does have, as you might expect, a more natural flavor than the already-prepared Cherry colas. If you don’t like the natural Cherry taste, I don’t know how you’ll like the home-made Cherry cola, especially if you’re used to the artificial stuff!

    dcr’s last blog post..Special Offer: Promote Your Blog with a Rubber Stamp

  43. 43 JD

    dcr: OK, as soon as I read “natural flavor,” I bailed. Gimme artificial!

  44. 44 knicker nagger

    Sorry folks, but my vote is with JD. im not much of a cherry picker myself, they taste a tad bit too artificial for me…but id take them any day sevred with a cocktail…

  45. 45 JD

    knicker nagger: So THAT’s what I’ve been missing all these years. A side of cocktail with my cherries. THANK YOU!


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