I Bought a Door

Guys with name tags walking down the aisles
Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles


door1.jpg

Wait! Where are you going? Don’t leave me here alone with my door story. Haven’t you heard? Doors are actually very funny and exciting to read about! You can tell, because I put an exclamation point at the end of the sentence. Stay with me . . . please?

The Horrifying Note

It was going to be a delicious, do-nothing Sunday. After a productive morning, I had the whole afternoon ahead of me to doze, laze, lounge, loll, droop, drag, snooze, and/or slump.

My plans were ruined, however, when I got home from the gym to find a note from Dave:

Honey, Let’s go to Lowe’s and buy a new door!

Oh, gross me out. Is there a more boring place on earth than Lowe’s? Is there a more boring mission than buying a new door? Unlike the above example, the puny exclamation point at the end of Dave’s sentence was not going to get me excited about a damn door.

When Dave got home, he was fakely upbeat. “You want to be involved in the decision, don’t you?”

“Um?”

“Because there are different styles, options, colors . . .”

“Um.”

“And I thought you’d want to help pick it out.”

“. . .”

In an ill-advised effort to cheer me up, he promised that we could also shop for a new mailbox.

The Most Boring Place on Earth

I s’pose there are people who enjoy visiting home improvement stores like Lowe’s. Those people are idiots. It’s a huge, awful place that smells like metal and sawdust and glue and stupidity, with aisles and aisles of stuff, NONE of it the least bit interesting. Immersible Sump Pump, 2-Speed Portable Thickness Planer, Lithium Iron Driver Drill. Apart from the giant gumball machines, there doesn’t appear to be any candy, and even the magazines at the check-out aisles are dull: “Workbench Magazine,” “Wood,”  “Tools,” “Boring-Ass Crap No One Cares About”. . . I started to cry a little.

We finally found the door aisle, only to discover that Dave had left his notes with our door measurements in the car.

“Do you want to go get it or should I?”

When does a sentence phrased this way ever NOT mean “You go get it”? I agreed, if only to break up the monotony of the visit. I trudged back to the car, taking my time. The only thing I wanted to see when I got back to the door aisle was Dave handing over his credit card to a helpful salesman.

No Such Luck

Dave was right where I left him. Alone.

Lowe’s is the type of store that employs one salesperson per square acre, so the guy for our designated area was hopelessly tied up. We waited, looking at doors. Oh, it’s not like there weren’t options to consider: full screen or part screen. White or black. Brass or nickel. Yeah, that kept us occupied for about 2 minutes.

Then we noticed other couples circling ominously around the perimeter of the sales clerk and his customers. We zoomed in to claim our rightful position as next in line. I shot these other couples my hardest of looks: You think you’re next, fools?

Adding Injury to Insult

When we finally got our salesguy, Dave asked pertinent and probing questions. I waited sullenly to chime in with my sole contribution:

“White!”

Having delivered my only line, I went back to sulking. When I grudgingly moved to allow an old man in a walker to get past me, Dave stepped back and slammed his foot down on my toe. The same toe I had dropped a soup can on a few days before. He was appropriately contrite, but there was no way I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it.

No End in Sight

Finally, we moved from the door aisle to the Desk of Transaction. But instead of exchanging a credit card number for a door, we were subjected to questions, paperwork, more waiting, and unbearable dullness. My toe hurts! Why aren’t there chairs? Where are the TV screens? Why are there are so many bald men? Who let that dog in? Why, God, why?

At last! We were done. I breathed in the air of freedom as if it was oxygen, which, in fact, it was. After such an ordeal, I felt like I deserved ice cream or a trip to the toy store. I thought Dave was on the same wavelength, but, sadly, no.

Let’s go to Office Max!

If you want to buy a door:
  • But why would you? Just move to a house with a new door.
  • OK, if you must buy a door, at least try to do it online. (What? Doors.com doesn’t sell doors? RIP-OFF!)
  • OK, if you have to go a boring door store, bring plenty of snacks, magazines, a chair, and dog treats.

_________________________

The door’s always open at humor blogs!

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30 Comments


30 Responses to “I Bought a Door”

  1. 1 Tiggy

    Great post!

    I particularly enjoy the bizarre muzak played in my local DIY megastore. It’s like stepping back into the ’80s with top pop hits from Toto, Kajagoogoo and a Flock Of Seagulls. Maybe a tune from Rick Astley if we’re really lucky.

    I find hanging around the paint mixing machine helps to numb the pain somewhat.

    Tiggy’s last blog post..Tiggy’s Beauty Secrets

  2. 2 Regan

    Oh my gosh! I was cracking up when I read this. Sometimes my dad drags me along, so I boredly follow him, asking to go look at some paint samples. He said no. I think its because he doesn’t want a chain saw to fall on my head. And nowhere to sit at all! I mean seriously! Home Depot isn’t much better either. They could at least have air conditioning and a water fountain! And some nice people passing out snacks for free. And alchoholic drinks for adults. And maybe a personal TV. And an internet connection so you can bring a laptop.

  3. 3 Jeff

    First of all, you made me drool when you started describing all the products – “2-Speed Portable Thickness Planer” – YUM!

    Second of all, describing that something smells like stupidity cracked me up.

    Third of all, you and Kathy are making me feel inferior as a writer. How you two can take what is supposed to be a dreadfully boring situation and turn it into something hysterical is beyond me. But I’m taking notes.

  4. 4 Kelly

    Um, ok, I kind of like Lowe’s. I like Home Depot better, though.

    I have a door that needs to be replaced. I called my contractor. “Josh, it’s time to get that door replaced. You already have the measurements. Let me know how much it’s going to cost. Have it installed by the end of the month, ok?”

    Way easier my way.

    Kelly’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

  5. 5 JD

    Tiggy: Thank you! I don’t think we even got 80s muzak, which I might’ve welcomed. (Tho the hotel in Vegas where my mom and I always stay has played the same 80s soundtrack 5 years running). GREAT suggestion about the paint thinner. See Regan’s suggestion below. If they can’t get their act together and give us booze, then paint thinner is the next best thing.

    Regan: You sound like you know EXACTLY what I’m talkin’ about. And your suggestions are all awesome. YES! Alcoholic drinks would help a LOT (even tho I don’t really drink, I’d probably dive into the rum if my other option was looking at doors).

    Jeff: (wipes drool from comments box) You can accompany my husband the next time we need anything from Lowe’s, how’s that? All you have to do is say, “White!” and, if you like, drool over some drills. I think some situations are SO boring they can only be hysterical. As for you feeling inferior, I call FOUL! Never.

    Kelly: Oops. I didn’t mean to call you an idiot! (dials Josh frantically)

  6. 6 jennypenny

    Lowe’s! YUUUUUUUUUUUUUK … except for the lighting department. For some reason that fascinates me. When I am forced to walk in that store I go straight for the light fixtures.

    Hysterical post … I’m with you, JD … don’t call it “shopping” unless it involves shoes, perfume, jewelry, clothes, books, entertainment media … or chocolate.

    jennypenny’s last blog post..Melanie Plays Dress-Up

  7. 7 Canucklehead

    You never cease to amaze. You actually made this subject entertaining. Not being a DIY guy myself, hardware stores are a mystery to me. I can kill, oh – 4 hours there max, provided I don’t actually need anything. Of course, the fun part is still to come (installation). Cheers!

  8. 8 Regan

    I’ve been looking at some of your old posts, and I found the haiku contest! I know it’s too late, but I thought of this haiku a while ago and want to share it somewhere:

    I couldn’t write one
    Of these haikus for my life
    Hey look! I just did

  9. 9 JD

    jennypenny:I probably could’ve saved a lot of bandwidth by just typing: YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK! That pretty much sums it up.

    Mmmm . . . chocolate shopping.

    Canucklehead:4 hours at a DIY store? Kill me, please. Luckily we don’t have to install the door ourselves. But I did have to go back to Lowe’s after THEY came to measure (our measurements weren’t good enough) so I could finalize the sale. Guh.

    Regan: YOU ARE A WINNER! Oh, wait. The contest is over. Well, you would be a winner—that is one awesome haiku. Thank you for sharing. I think you’ve got a bright future as a haiku-ist.

  10. 10 Kathy

    smells like metal and sawdust and glue and stupidity When I read this, I knew I’d be laughing and crying my way through the rest of this story. If it makes you feel any better, we had a similar experience at Home Depot. Nobody would wait on us. We were wearing our “shopping for doors” faces the whole time, but no one bit. I hate these places, really I do. Every aisle looks the same to me. God help you if you split from your shopping partner or you’ll need a tracking device to get them back. Ugh.

    p.s. to Regan — Your brilliance is boundless. I’d totally shop there if they had coffee, booze, dessert and internet access. Why don’t they think of these things?

    Oh, and JD, something’s wrong with Jeff. I think he hit his head. He’s like the funniest guy I know.

    Kathy’s last blog post..Junk Drawer Milestone

  11. 11 Tim

    Are you sure the name of the store wasn’t Home Depot, cause it sure sounds the same. They don’t have alcoholic drinks there either (and should, excellent suggestion Regan), but it sure smells like stupidity!
    That “boring-ass crap that no one cares about” describes me looking around at the craft store and the dollar bargain store :)

  12. 12 JD

    Kathy: I think that’s where we went wrong: we didn’t have our “door-shopping faces” on. Dave was kind of neutral, and I was just plain crabby.

    I think Home Depot and Lowe’s should hire Regan as their customer service president. She knows what shoppers like!

    Poor Tim. I hope he recovers soon. At least he didn’t hit his funnybone.

    Tim: As far as I’m concerned, Lowe’s and Home Depot are interchangeable. You can smell the stupidity from miles away.

    Mmmm . . . craft store! Bring on the boring-ass crap!

  13. 13 Cromely

    Hmm. It sounds a lot like when my girlfriend takes me clothes shopping with her and then follow that up with the candle store.

    Cromely’s last blog post..Pelican Chess

  14. 14 JD

    Cromely: Welcome, fellow EntreCarder!

    I can understand why you’d die of boredom on a clothes-shopping excursion but candles? Come on—you can never get bored with all those exotic scents and shapes!

  15. 15 feefifoto

    As much as I loathe the term, I was LOLing when I read this post. found you on Entrecard and I am now your slave.

    feefifoto’s last blog post..Is Your Birthday In May?

  16. 16 Maureen

    Isn’t Lowe’s the place where a tarantula hopped out of one of their displays? I thought I read that a few months back… they had brought in some trees for an outdoor display (inside the store) and the tarantula was along for the ride.

    That, and ONLY that would be an exciting trip to Lowe’s…

  17. 17 Regan

    Oh I love candle stores! I just have to smell them all. =) I like the ones that smell like food. Oh, and I amslo have one shaped like strawberry pie and smells like it too, and a martini one, iun a martini glass. It’s gress and I think its an apple martini because of the scent. =)

  18. 18 Sabrina

    I laughed outloud at this post, and made my coworkers stare at me, of course I can’t explain I’m reading a blog about the boringness of Lowe’s…because there is a mole among us…

    All the same, inside I’m LMFAO!

    Sabrina’s last blog post..Like Slow Motion

  19. 19 Maureen

    Okay, it was bugging me… I had to check on that story and it was in fact a SNAKE, not a spider…. even more reason to avoid that store IMHO.

  20. 20 JD

    feefifoto: Wow, I made someone LOL! (I also have a problem with that term and use it only ironically). Thanks so much for hanging around a bit. As my slave, there will be a long list of duties, but why don’t you kick back and relax for a minute. Most of my slaves don’t work a full 24-hour day.

    Maureen: I agree. A tarantula jumping out at some old lady and scaring her out of her wits would surely make the whole Lowe’s experience more entertaining. A SNAKE would be even better! I’m so glad you looked that up!

    Regan: Regan: does the apple martini candle smell anything like a martini? I hope you don’t know the answer to that question. My theory—soon to be a blog post—is that there are actually only 10 or 12 scents. They just get different names. For example, could you swear that “Birthday Cake” isn’t exactly the same as “Vanilla”?

    Sabrina: I’m so glad your LOL-ing right now! But who’s the mole? Someone who enjoys shopping at Lowe’s? You need to out this person and laugh at him (or her).

  21. 21 babs (beetle)

    Hilarious! Thankfully our DIY stores are much smaller by comparison and although extremely boring places, they actually have quite a few helpful people around. One of the better known stores has a policy of never allowing anybody to stand for longer than a couple of minutes before they ask if you need help. That can get rather irritating if you are waiting for something or somebody for any length of time though.

    babs (beetle)’s last blog post..Portrait of a little girl

  22. 22 Corrina

    Dear Lord. I would rather cover the entrance to my house with a giant garbage bag than go to Lowe’s. Or Home Depot. Or any store that sucks the brains out of a man’s head.

    Corrina’s last blog post..Mine All Mine!

  23. 23 MaryLou

    Oh, the woes of shopping at Lowes, Home Depot, Menards, even Ace Hardware!

    Despite the fact that I’ve helped my husband build several houses, I’m still bored to tears in those stores. How he can spend hours looking at flooring, doors, windows, paint, tools, and all that other stuff just amazes me.

    Now when he’s in there for too long, I head to the car so I can read a good book!
    :-)

  24. 24 JD

    babs (beetle): Yeah, I can see how the over-solicitous salesperson could be annoying. VERY annoying. As in “LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE ALREADY!”

    Corrina: Where in the tarnation were you and your awesome garbage bag idea when I needed you? Oh, that would’ve saved so much time and money and tears of boredom. Next time…

    MaryLou: Oh, I should’ve brought a book. Or my iPod—what was I thinking??!! I actually kind of like Ace Hardware—at least they have kitchen stuff and CANDY! Another horrible place near us is called Crafty Beaver. Dunno if that’s a chain or not.

    Thanks for chiming in!

  25. 25 Regan

    Hmm, next time I’m around a bunch of candles I’ll test that theory and get back to you on that….

    I swear there’s like 5 different apple scented ones.

  26. 26 cardiogirl

    Best reason not to go to Lowe’s: “It’s a huge, awful place that smells like metal and sawdust and glue and stupidity…”

    Really, need you say more?

    cardiogirl’s last blog post..And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming or She made her First Communion

  27. 27 JD

    Regan: Yes, please let me know. If there are indeed 5 varieties of apple, I need to start shopping.

    cardiogirl: I think even that was more description than the stupid store deserves!

  28. 28 babs simplycats

    I know it’s out of subject but I just watched your cat video. It was put together very well. And so it should be when showing off our kitties ;O)

    babs simplycats’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Keep still!

  29. 29 Tim

    What was this about the Crafty Beaver? Sounds more interesting than it probably is.

    Tim’s last blog post..We Hav Been Bith Slapthed! Oh, The Humanity….

  30. 30 JD

    babs simply cats: Why, thank you! I’m rather proud of my furry beasties, as you can tell. I think all cats deserve a video tribute. Just wait until we get our new kitten, sometime this month!

    Tim: Believe me, the name is WAY more interesting than the store itself. Tho there is a cute sign of a beaver. THE ANIMAL, sickos!


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