I Ate a Jordan Almond

 

OK, so a decade has passed since my last post. And that’s the closest thing to an apology you’re gonna get.

More to the point, what have I been doing all this time?

Oh, lots of stuff. I’m still doing the torturous Bikram yoga. I celebrated Dave’s birthday (he got a Kindle) and Pru’s birthday (you forgot again). I learned that shaving my legs in the bathtub can be both comfortable and deadly. But most important, I tried an exciting new food.

Jordan almonds. The most visually stunning member of the nut family. Enrobed in a pastel coat of spring colors, these fanciful and un-nutlike nuts evoke visions of Easter eggs and rainbows —

BUT WAIT!

I don’t even like nuts. Especially since that one time, when I got all carried away by the “EAT NUTS THEY ARE HEALTHY” movement and bought a bag of raw almonds. Ugh. From now on, the only thing I’m eating raw are Twinkies, because these almonds? Well . . .

There I was, eating raw almonds and feeling virtuously healthy. Almond, almond, almond, la la la, then:  HORROR SHOW IN MY MOUTH! This almond, if you can call it that, was either rotten or poisoned. Probably poisoned. The outside looked fine, but the inside was bright neon orange. God, how I wish I was kidding, but no. Bright orange. A nut. Orange. Like a particularly evil pumpkin. It tasted like Chernobyl, and the texture was a disturbing combination of slimy and dusty. I threw away the bag and scrubbed the inside of my mouth with a Brillo pad. Then I ate some raw Twinkies to soothe my tortured palate.

So why Jordan almonds?

Well, as I said, they are pretty. That’s really about all I ask of my food: Look pretty and don’t have a bright-orange interior that causes me to take a lighted match to my tongue to burn away the flavor.

I was also still under the thrall of the “EAT NUTS THEY ARE HEALTHY” propagandists, so I thought a candy-coated nut would be the best of both worlds: delicious candy (for me) and healthy nut (for . . . me, too, I guess).

Now, given my previous Poisoned Nut Trauma, I am cautious about biting into mysterious new nuts. No matter how innocent, no matter how lovely, I was not putting this shiny pink candy nut into my mouth whole.

I bit.

And bit again.

Then I placed the nut carefully between both sets of molars and ground down.

Then I got a knife.

Then I threw the damn nut against the wall.

Finally, I gave in and shoved the entire nut into my mouth.

I bit.

And bit again.

Dang, these things are hard as rocks! That candy-coated shell? Is more like a candy-coated suit of armor. You don’t even taste the nut, a feature of which I am a fan, but then why even put the nut in there? There is so little actual nut flavor or texture, I actually Googled “Jordan almond” to make sure it really is a nut and not just a piece of candy shaped like a nut.

I ate three Jordan almonds that day, and I can’t say I’m a better person for it. The flavor is somewhat pleasing, but the hard, thick outer shell seems dangerous. Also, there is very little nutly value, so you may as well just eat candy—preferably candy that doesn’t break your teeth.

Well, I guess that’s really about all I’ve been up to. Doin’ yoga and eatin’ nuts. But stay tuned, because later this week, Dave and I are going to visit Pleasure Island, and you’re invited. (Note: attendance is mandatory.)

____________________

Jordan almonds came from here

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46 Comments


46 Responses to “I Ate a Jordan Almond”

  1. 1 Ann's Rants

    I LOVE Jordan Almonds. I do.

    You’re supposed to suck the candy part off and then crunch.

    Why do I feel like I’m sitting next to you at Ridgemont High with a banana right now?

    Welcome Back! xo

  2. 2 Surfie

    Every dozen years or so I get a craving for Jordan almonds. Why I torture myself with almonds inside a jawbreaker vault of candy coating, I have no idea. I’m always worried I’m going to crack a tooth. I pretty much just have to suck on them like hard candy until the candy is mostly gone, then chew the rest of it once it’s soft enough. I don’t even like plain almonds. (In Almond Joy candy bars, yes, by themselves, no!) Even without the candy coating they are awfully tough to bite into sometimes.

    Favorite phrase in this post: “It tasted like Chernobyl.” I am so going to look for ways to use that in conversation now. :)
    Surfie´s last blog post ..Missing in Action

  3. 3 Kathy

    Ugh. Jordon almonds. I think only grandmothers offer them to grandkids, don’t they? Grandmas can’t eat them because they have dentures. Dentures they got because they bit into one too many Jordon almonds.

    Glad to see you back. It’s been a busy decade for us, too! I got a haircut and read a book. I’ve been swamped.
    Kathy´s last blog post ..I Can’t Go Through This Again I Just Can’t

  4. 4 meleah rebeccah

    Oh hell yes! I love a new blog post from my beloved JD!

    I can’t eat ANY nuts, or I will drop dead from an allergic reaction

    However, this whole paragraph had me rolling on the floor hysterical with laughter:

    “The outside looked fine, but the inside was bright neon orange. God, how I wish I was kidding, but no. Bright orange. A nut. Orange. Like a particularly evil pumpkin. It tasted like Chernobyl, and the texture was a disturbing combination of slimy and dusty. I threw away the bag and scrubbed the inside of my mouth with a Brillo pad. Then I ate some raw Twinkies to soothe my tortured palate.”

    AHAHHAHAHAHHHAHhHAhahhahahahahahahahahhahaha

    I love you, woman!

  5. 5 Nicky

    I’m sorry, almond what? You said Twinkie. I stopped reading after that. Twinkies. Hmmmm, Twinkies. I’ll try reading again….

    Nope, still stuck at Twinkies.

  6. 6 Linda

    Jordan almonds…hmmm…never had one. From your description I don’t think I want one. Now I don’t have to. Thanks!!
    Linda´s last blog post ..Easter Delights

  7. 7 Stacie

    I always thought that Jordan almonds were for decorations only. When I see them, they’re found in the wedding section of the craft store. I have seen them used for wedding favors: I didn’t know they were really all that edible.

    I think you may want to try Almond M&M’s. Those are much less violent to eat, and they taste delicious!
    Stacie´s last blog post ..Happy Easter!

  8. 8 puglette

    welcome back, my friend!
    jordan almonds…i loved them! they were my mother’s favorite candy, next to the anabelle rocky road candy bar. surfie and ann are correct in how to eat them, suck on the hard shell until it gets thin and you can crunch it open to the almond. i remember having jordan almonds in the movie theater when i was really young. they tasted kind of perfumy, flowery, so grown up! i haven’t had them in years and years, but i do think of them fondly.

    and stacie is right about the m & m’s almonds. thin candy shell and a layer of chocolate…delicious!! almonds can be really tasty and delicious. we like the ones in the deluxe nut mix from planter’s. they are lightly salted with sea salt! and very crunchy. our beloved ollie loved them, he was so sweet crunching those almonds.

    hugs and kisses,
    puglette
    (judy)

  9. 9 Babs

    Sugared Almonds (as we call them) were one of my favourite sweets. You can get them with the candy too thick, and not as flavourful, but the good type are delish! You suck them until the outer part is a very thin layer, then crunch it up with the nut – mmmmmmmmm….. I adored them. Note the past tense used here. They don’t go well with crowns.
    Babs´s last blog post ..There’s a hole in my bucket

  10. 10 LJ

    I don’t think we get Jordan Almonds up here. But thats not necessarily a bad thing. AND I hope you know the name of a good dentist. Keep this up and you’ll need one.
    Happy Easter JD.
    LJ´s last blog post ..Pretty Much Represents

  11. 11 Grace

    I LOVE Jordan almonds. And yes, you can crack a tooth but as several folks said you kinda suck on them and get all the sugary stuff first then on to the almond part. These are very big where I come from as wedding favors – the almonds are in the “bride’s colors”, wrapped in netting and tied with a ribbon that has the bride and groom’s name and the date and usually a little wedding band token as well. When I was a kid I would go around to all tables at a wedding reception and steal these pretty little pouches of sugar and nuts. Bad me!
    Grace´s last blog post ..There are all kinds of travelers

  12. 12 Pricilla

    Hi!
    The publicist thought they were leftover relics from weddings in the 70ies….
    Pricilla´s last blog post ..Joy

  13. 13 Lauren

    I never had a Jordan almond and I’m simply nuts for nuts. I can use my dog’s teeth to crack Walnuts. She once chewed through a frozen chicken breast and an entire couch.

    I would imagine that years ago there were thousands of glowing Chernobyl nuts.

    It’s great to see you again!
    Lauren´s last blog post ..Is that a Cell Tower in Your Yard or Do You Just Glow Girl

  14. 14 jenniferc

    i choked on one when i was like 7. I dont eat them anymore after that.

  15. 15 MomZombie

    Darn. Does it take chewing on slimy yet dusty food products to get you to come ’round to Internets Island? I have missed you! I have never tasted the naturally occurring Jordan almond and I never will. Thank you for taking care of that for me.
    MomZombie´s last blog post ..Pictures of my life- Part 2

  16. 16 Kathy

    Oh, hey. I just watched an episode of “Chopped” on the Food Network, a show where contestants have to make a dish using four unrelated ingredients, and at least one of them is the “freak” component nobody would ever want to use for anything. Today they had Jordan almonds.
    Kathy´s last blog post ..I Can’t Go Through This Again I Just Can’t

  17. 17 Daisy the Curly Cat

    My Mommeh loves chocolate-chili almonds. The almonds are coated in spicy chili powder and then covered in chocolate. I am Not Allowed to taste them though.
    Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog post ..My Springtime Frock Rocks!

  18. 18 Ron

    OMG….I thought you disappeared off the face of the earth!?

    Sooooooooooooo glad to see that you posted today, girl!

    Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I’ve missed ya!

    I love nuts, however I can’t eat Jordon Almonds because of the same reason you shared….they’re too damn hard. I’m afraid they’ll crack my crowns.

    ” threw away the bag and scrubbed the inside of my mouth with a Brillo pad. Then I ate some raw Twinkies to soothe my tortured palate.”

    Bwhahahahahahahahaahaha! FLAWLESS!

    Looking forward to your Pleasure Island post because I have a feeling it has nothing to do with Disney – HA!

    Happy Easter, JD!

    X
    Ron´s last blog post ..Buddha Enlightenment a la Andy Warhol

  19. 19 v

    i love all nuts, mostly in cookies, but eat them raw too.

    maybe you missed your opportunity for free dental work, sounds like you could have broken a tooth on those babies (send them all to me). next time you eat one, fall to the ground and call 911.

  20. 20 JD

    Ann’s Rants: Ohhhh! Suck, you say? Well, that makes more sense. Still, that shiny coating makes the nut more likely to slide down my throat. I’ll try it . . . I guess. Better hand me that banana, tho, just in case.

    Surfie: HA! “Jawbreaker vault of candy coating.” I wish I’d come up with that one. I’m not a big almond fan either, and YES, they are tough to eat. Let me know if you use the “Chernobyl” line. It’s one of my favorites.

    Kathy: I dunno. My grandmother used to give us lots of really good candy. I don’t ever remember seeing Jordan almonds as a kid, but if I had, I would’ve been very tempted by them, based only on their appearance. But I’m sure you’re right about the denture thing.

    meleah rebeccah: YAY! (again) Dave is allergic to nuts too, tho I badly wanted him to try a Jordan almond to get his opinion. I could’ve told him it was candy and waited to see if he even noticed there was a nut inside (his allergy isn’t like yours—it takes a while for the allergy cells to build up). ANYway, I love you too.

    Nicky: I know, right? Why bother with almonds when there are Twinkies in the house. Especially if they’re the limited edition chocolate-filled Twinkies.

    Linda: That’s right! You never have to eat a Jordan almond. And . . . neither do I!

    Stacie: I love your phrase “all that edible.” Yeah, they’re really not. I can see why they’d make good wedding favors, but they should come with some sort of warning.

    puglette: Thank you! I wish I’d consulted with you guys before practically breaking off one of my incisors. Yes, they are very perfumy—the smell hits you as soon as you open the container. The best almond I ever ate is from Trader Joe’s: they encrust it with rock salt and roll it in dark chocolate. Oh, my chicken and stars: THE BEST! Oh, Ollie! How I wish I could’ve seen you crunching away on almonds. Sniff.

    Babs: They don’t go well with regular ol’ teeth, either, apparently. Gosh, now I feel stupid. Hang on, I’m going to check the directions on the container . . . HA! Just as I suspected. No directions. I’m sucking on one now. Very pleasant.

    LJ: Happy Easter to you! Y’know, I’ve been putting off the dentist for a while; this could give me a good reason to finally go.

    Grace: As I told Babs above, I just tried sucking on one, and it’s MUCH better! Mmm. I love Jordan almonds now too! Yes, I’ve seen those adorable wedding favors. I remember going to a baby shower where they had the almonds in these adorable ceramic baby shoes.

    Pricilla: I think the publicist is right.

    Lauren: It’s great to see you too! The thought of all those glowing Chernobyl nuts is scary — as is the thought of you using your dog as a nutcracker . . . but very resourceful!

    jenniferc: I can see how you could choke on one, especially if you’re supposed to suck them. They’re so slippery. And deadly.

    MomZombie: Yeah, I guess it wasn’t until the whole almond thing that I felt I had a blog-worthy post. But I’ll try to keep doing more stupid, unappetizing things more frequently so another decade doesn’t pass before the next post. And you are very welcome.

    Kathy: I’ve been watching “Chopped” on Hulu. I’ll have to look out for the Jordan almond episode. I love the premise of that show, but the judges are so serious and Ted Allen, normally so adorable, is like a robot.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Hmmmm. I don’t know about that combo. I know I like a certain type of chocolate almond, and I think I’d like chili almonds, but not combined. I think it is good that you are Not Allowed to try them.

    Ron: No, I’m still here! I’ve missed you too. And I’ve missed blogging. Just trying to get back into the swing of things. Raw Twinkies make everything better. And you are correct, sir: Pleasure Island is no innocent amusement park!

    v: Now, I hate nuts in cookies or cake. I do enjoy a good salted peanut every now and then. I think I’ll try your free dental work plan. I do have some experience with cracking my teeth.

  21. 21 Jaffer Maniar

    Late for the party … as usual.
    Lets see, the last time, I was sitting here and typing a comment to your post.
    And fast forward a decade, I am sitting here and typing a comment to your post.

    Umm… what was I gonna say … oh right … : I don’t like Jordan Almonds. I had them a few times when I was a kid and they. Bleugh !

  22. 22 Jaffer Maniar

    Wait a sec… Ron is here too ! Gosh ! He reads almost all blogs that I do…
    Too bad I only got to know him recently :-)
    Jaffer Maniar´s last blog post ..And so- Green Party Candidate didnt prove too hard to crush in the largely Conservative riding

  23. 23 puglette

    we are missing ollie very much, i see him in my mind’s eye all of the time. we did bring home a new boy yesterday, he’s a 10 year old black pug named loki. he is pretty wound up right now, but once he gets the hang of things here at the pug farm he will settle right in. he latched onto dan at a pug adopt-a-thon for volunteers of the seattle pug rescue group. we will never fill the place ollie has in our hearts, but if we can make a senior doggie have a nice life, that helps too.
    hugs
    judy

  24. 24 Anne

    It is always nice to see you back.

    I don’t eat Jordan almonds so I really appreciate you doing it so I don’t have to. That leaves me more room to eat chocolate covered pretzels.

  25. 25 Stephanie Barr

    I love nuts but not the candy shell.

    Yum.

    If I have to have them coated, yogurt almonds are tasty and do not require dental work.
    Stephanie Barr´s last blog post ..Bringing it to a ClosePart 2

  26. 26 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a Jordan Almond before in my life. And now that I’ve read your informative review, I don’t even think I might sort of plan to.

  27. 27 lin

    I’m with Pricilla–I don’t think you are actually supposed to EAT those things! They were mostly used in bad wedding/shower favors back in the day. Whatever is on the shelves now is just leftover from the 70′s.

    Have you tried the candy-covered sunflower seeds? They are just as pretty, but much yummier.
    lin´s last blog post ..That aint no Easter Bunny

  28. 28 Nicky

    Wait, what? Chocolate filled Twinkies!? DON’T mess with me JD!!

  29. 29 JD

    Jaffer Maniar: Aw, you’re never too late for an I Do Things party, my friend! Yes, the decades really fly, don’t they? Man, you must really hate Jordan almonds if you couldn’t even finish your sentence!

    (Isn’t Ron awesome?)

    puglette: You and Dan are just the best. How kind of you to give a loving and happy home to an older gentleman pug. I can imagine how much you miss sweet Ollie, but hopefully smothering Loki with love will help to ease some of the pain.

    Anne: Thank you! It’s always nice to be back. Decades may pass, but I can’t stop doing things. I’m so glad you’re able to clear your schedule for more chocolate-covered pretzels. I “accidentally” dropped my container of Jordan almonds in the cats’ water dish yesterday. Oh, well.

    Stephanie Barr: Hmmm. Yogurt, you say? I might try that. The candy shell of these Jordan almonds is actually pretty obnoxious. Anything that smells like perfume when you open the container . . .

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): Nope. No need to even think about sort of planning to maybe consider the possibility of perhaps trying a Jordan almond.

    lin: HI LIN! Oh, dear. Well, they certainly tasted like they were left over from the 70s. And YES! I did try those beautiful candy-covered sunflower seeds. In fact, I picked them out of a bowl of trail mix a friend had lovingly compiled. Rude?

    Nicky:I know, right! They were limited edition. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to my inner health nut, because if I hadn’t snagged a box when I did, my chance would’ve been gone forever.

  30. 30 CatLadyLarew

    Like Ann said, the trick is to suck most of the sugar off first. Then bite into the nut while there’s still a little bit of sugary goodness on it. Otherwise, there’s a high risk of breaking a tooth. Of course, then you could get a root canal so I don’t have to….
    CatLadyLarew´s last blog post ..The Mating Habits of Squirrels Reprise

  31. 31 Elle

    Hey, I’ve been following your blog for a while but this is my first comment.

    Welcome back.

    I think I’ve been to a lot of weddings back when I was younger and they usually had Jordan almonds and other types of coated nuts in those little plastic swans as wedding favors. I can’t say i liked them much but good thing your teeth are intact.

  32. 32 Kathleen Kaufman

    Okay, so first of all…I never forget Pru’s birthday. I sent her a check for $5 but since she has yet to send me back a thank you card or cash the check – I assumed she didn’t love me.

    Jordan Almonds? I think this is a made-up food, like nouget or eggplant. Personally, I’m very picky about what chocolate I eat, and I do not advocate that anyone should really ever try anything other than vanilla filled truffles. They’re the only safe ones. Plus, I think there’s Vitamin A and Calcium in Vanilla…so they’re healthy.
    Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog post ..Disney Princesses- What Do You See In These Guys

  33. 33 Lola

    I think every single wedding I went to as a kid had Jordan Almonds wrapped in netting and tied with ribbon and a slip of paper with the Bride and Groom’s name and wedding day on it. I swear the only reason they were there was to keep the kids occupied. Almost nearly as occupied as counting the licks til you get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

    I actually like them, so I used to go round and steal them from the empty tables. Lol!

    They are damn tedious to wrap like that though. I wrapped like a bajillion of them for my wedding. (akk, plth, erp..did I say my wedding? akk, plth, erp)
    Lola´s last blog post ..I still feel like a loser in high school

  34. 34 Cover by Cover

    I have always been to eager for satisfaction from hard candy. It took two and a half teeth to figure out Jawbreakers

  35. 35 JD

    Cat Lady Larew: Thank you very much, but I had an aborted root canal already (aborted because the tooth, infected from a crack, was too far gone to save). And no, the crack did not come from a Jordan almond.

    Elle: Welcome, Elle! Yes, thank god my teeth came through this ordeal unscathed. I know I’ve seen Jordan almonds at weddings too; I guess I was too scared to try them.

    Kathleen Kaufman: OK! I’ll have to check Pru’s toy bag and she if she accidentally stuffed the check in there. One time I found a hundred dollar bill and an Amazon gift card in there. See, I was sure Jordan almonds were a made-up food. I plan to stick to vanilla filled truffles from now on.

    Lola: That’s funny! As I said above, I remember seeing Jordan almonds at weddings too, but I’ve never been a big nut fan. I wish they’d had Tootsie Pops instead. (And yes, you DID say “my wedding.”)

    Cover by Cover: Ouch. Is half a tooth better than no tooth?

  36. 36 Jen

    The only time I have ever had a Jordan Almond was during a church service and I was fidgeting so my grandma reached in her purse and pulled out a very dull and dusty one and gave it to me. I don’t recall liking them and think I might have lost a tooth on it.
    Jen´s last blog post ..The One Where She Begs

  37. 37 Madge

    Um, ewe! FYI nuts are not suppose to be orange in the middle. But smoked salty almonds are super good especially with beer.
    Madge´s last blog post ..Free Blog Buttons for Donations to Tribal Blogs Kickstarter

  38. 38 Shawn

    I think I figured out the problem. Underneath that candy coated shell was the almond shell.

  39. 39 K.D.

    I was just checking back for any updates, even though I thought this place had done died off (ha!), and to my surprise there are nuts all over the place – freshly freed from the nut-making asylum. Ha-ha! Just kidding…

    But seriously, those Jordan Almonds do seem more like candy. I know somebody who actually chipped a tooth (or lost a dental filling) while eating them, so they may not be for everyone. I like most nuts and other similar products like pistachios and sunflower seeds, but I’ve also had experiences with rotten or bad tasting nuts (mostly peanuts). I didn’t notice any orange colors going on like you spoke about, but then again, when I bite into a funky nut they are usually spit out so fast that I won’t even bother checking for color identification. I also seem to attract the people version of real-life nuts in public, but that’s another story… Ha!

    Anyway, it was a humorous post to read that was full of creative adjectives and, uh, uh, nuts! Oh yeah, have fun at Pleasure Island; it sounds pretty kinky… ;)

  40. 40 JD

    Jen: Ew. A church almond is always the worst. So it wasn’t even wrapped? Just sitting at the bottom of grandma’s purse with her used tissues and pennies? No wonder you didn’t like it.

    Madge: No, I know! Orange is wrong! I’m afraid of all almonds now, even the ones that supposedly taste good. I think I’ll just stick to Twinkies.

    Shawn: A HA! Makers of Jordan almonds! Please remove that pesky almond shell!

    K. D.: Not dead yet! Hanging in there. You sound much more experienced in nutly adventures than me, so I’m surprised you never bit into an orange nut. But I’m happy for you, for it was truly a horrific experience.

  41. 41 Chris@TheSnackHound

    The lovely wedding tradition of chipping the grandparents teeth…

    I have to admit of the weddings I have gone to, I have never once braved eating one. Thanks for doing this, so I don’t have to…truly, from the bottom of my heart.
    Chris@TheSnackHound´s last blog post ..Blood is Thinner Than Wine

  42. 42 DameMeow

    Ok I saw this post awhile back…and it made me decide to give Jordan Almonds another try. So I picked them up at CVS and tried one…it was gross, and yet I ate the whole bag. That should hold me for another 15 years.
    DameMeow´s last blog post ..The Internet is Gross- an Infographic

  43. 43 JD

    Chris@TheSnackHound: You’re very welcome. I’ll send you my dental bill.

    DameMeow: Yeah . . . this post has been here a while, hasn’t it? Hoping to change that. ANYway, I love that you ate the whole bag, despite their grossness. Luckily, I dropped mine in the cat’s water dish, which gave me an excuse to toss them.

  44. 44 LJ

    What’s happened to us JD? Why are neither of us writing anymore?
    LJ´s last blog post ..Needing Gumption

  45. 45 JD

    UGH! I don’t know. Maybe the warmer weather will motivate us . . . ?

  46. 46 Shane "Master" Dayton@Freelance Writing Blog

    I had never even heard of these until now. Have to be honest, they don’t sound too appetizing…
    Shane “Master” Dayton@Freelance Writing Blog´s last blog post ..The Keyword Academy Review


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