OK, so a decade has passed since my last post. And that’s the closest thing to an apology you’re gonna get.
More to the point, what have I been doing all this time?
Oh, lots of stuff. I’m still doing the torturous Bikram yoga. I celebrated Dave’s birthday (he got a Kindle) and Pru’s birthday (you forgot again). I learned that shaving my legs in the bathtub can be both comfortable and deadly. But most important, I tried an exciting new food.
Jordan almonds. The most visually stunning member of the nut family. Enrobed in a pastel coat of spring colors, these fanciful and un-nutlike nuts evoke visions of Easter eggs and rainbows —
I don’t even like nuts. Especially since that one time, when I got all carried away by the “EAT NUTS THEY ARE HEALTHY” movement and bought a bag of raw almonds. Ugh. From now on, the only thing I’m eating raw are Twinkies, because these almonds? Well . . .
There I was, eating raw almonds and feeling virtuously healthy. Almond, almond, almond, la la la, then: HORROR SHOW IN MY MOUTH! This almond, if you can call it that, was either rotten or poisoned. Probably poisoned. The outside looked fine, but the inside was bright neon orange. God, how I wish I was kidding, but no. Bright orange. A nut. Orange. Like a particularly evil pumpkin. It tasted like Chernobyl, and the texture was a disturbing combination of slimy and dusty. I threw away the bag and scrubbed the inside of my mouth with a Brillo pad. Then I ate some raw Twinkies to soothe my tortured palate.
So why Jordan almonds?
Well, as I said, they are pretty. That’s really about all I ask of my food: Look pretty and don’t have a bright-orange interior that causes me to take a lighted match to my tongue to burn away the flavor.
I was also still under the thrall of the “EAT NUTS THEY ARE HEALTHY” propagandists, so I thought a candy-coated nut would be the best of both worlds: delicious candy (for me) and healthy nut (for . . . me, too, I guess).
Now, given my previous Poisoned Nut Trauma, I am cautious about biting into mysterious new nuts. No matter how innocent, no matter how lovely, I was not putting this shiny pink candy nut into my mouth whole.
And bit again.
Then I placed the nut carefully between both sets of molars and ground down.
Then I got a knife.
Then I threw the damn nut against the wall.
Finally, I gave in and shoved the entire nut into my mouth.
And bit again.
Dang, these things are hard as rocks! That candy-coated shell? Is more like a candy-coated suit of armor. You don’t even taste the nut, a feature of which I am a fan, but then why even put the nut in there? There is so little actual nut flavor or texture, I actually Googled “Jordan almond” to make sure it really is a nut and not just a piece of candy shaped like a nut.
I ate three Jordan almonds that day, and I can’t say I’m a better person for it. The flavor is somewhat pleasing, but the hard, thick outer shell seems dangerous. Also, there is very little nutly value, so you may as well just eat candy—preferably candy that doesn’t break your teeth.
Well, I guess that’s really about all I’ve been up to. Doin’ yoga and eatin’ nuts. But stay tuned, because later this week, Dave and I are going to visit Pleasure Island, and you’re invited. (Note: attendance is mandatory.)
Jordan almonds came from here