I Am FORTUNEate

You’re lucky, lucky, you’re so lucky

There it is, folks, in plain black and white. Straight from the fortune cookie’s mouth, and fortune cookies NEVER lie.

I’ve really gotta start eating more Chinese food. This came from one of two fortune cookies with my last order; the other one said, “If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” I think it’s safe to say that I’ve “got it,” if I’ve already achieved perfection.

(I know some of you smartasses out there have already applied the obligatory “in bed” to the end of my fortune. Get your minds out of the gutter! Also? You’re right.)

I keep all of my fortune cookie fortunes, and here are some of my favorites:

If you think you can, you can.

TRUE! Although I once thought I could operate a motorcycle after 5 Long Island Iced Teas. Luckily I never even mastered getting the kickstand off the ground.

Better not today.

Um. OK. (Looks around nervously . . .)

When time permits, your personal life will be exciting.

This is annoying. I’m not that busy.

The more you say, the less people remember.

Yup.

You are the guiding star of his existence.

Of Dave’s existence? I doubt it. Dave’s idol is Carl Sagan, and any guiding stars in his existence are strictly of the gaseous variety. Hey, wait . . .

Your great attention to detail is both a blessing and a curse.

How can it be a curse? I’m an editor, dammit!

For better luck, you have to wait until autumn.

I first typed “licky” instead of “luck.” Anyway, autumn is here, so bring on the licky!

You will soon be involved in many gatherings, parties, and communications.

Hmmm. “Gatherings” might be OK, but I’m not a big party person and communications are acceptable only by e-mail.

And, finally,

You will be the best.

(IN BED!)

I guess that last one was a foreshadowing of things to come.

If you want to be FORTUNEate:

Do you keep your fortunes? Do you throw away the cookie? Has a fortune ever come true?

Be Sociable, Share!



42 Comments


42 Responses to “I Am FORTUNEate”

  1. 1 Jaffer

    Well, when I read it I laughed – although I did not add “in bed” – you made me do it.

    But I admit my mind was in gutter because I was looking at novelty underwear.

    This one’s has got me into laughing fits: http://www.teddygirl.com/elephant-gstring.html

    Jaffer’s last blog post..Poverty’s vicious face – As mirrored in India

  2. 2 Tiggy

    Now you have achieved perfection, don’t you feel a bit disappointed? I mean, what is there left to achieve?

    What a terrible burden you have to carry!

    Tiggy’s last blog post..Tiggy, Movie Star (No, really! Tiggy’s in a movie!)

  3. 3 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Daisy’s mom here:
    One time I made home-made fortune cookies for my husband. I thought up cute little sayings, typed them up (this was a LONG time ago), and cut them all out into little strips. Then I whipped up the fortune cookie batter and started baking. The really bad part is that you have to take the cookies right off the cookie sheet while they are still hot, insert the fortune and bend ‘em all up before they harden. I ended up with blisters on almost every finger. I think you are supposed to wear special gloves or something when you make them.

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Mr. Shrill’s Big Escape

  4. 4 stephanie barr

    I don’t keep fortunes, but I don’t eat Chinese very often. I think I’ve had a few good ones that seemed accurate, though, but they’re usually on the complimentary side so I’m not objective. :)

    stephanie barr’s last blog post..My Only Real Political Post

  5. 5 Athena

    I only keep the fortunes if they’re funny or memorable.

    My favorite though, when JP and I went out to dinner, his said: “Something very special will happen to you” and mine said, “You will do something special for someone soon” – AWWWWWWWWW. Also you know how they have Chinese words on the back for you to “learn”? His was “banana” and mine was “melon” (gender specific as well as cute, lol) and you know those are now our sappy pet names for eachother.

    You can go puke now ;)

    Athena’s last blog post..Blog Action Day: Poverty

  6. 6 feefifoto

    The summer after I finished law school I studied myself into a frenzy for the bar exam. The night before the exam I went to a Chinese restaurant with my cousin so I could take a break from obsessing. My first fortune said: “Enjoy what you have; hope for what you lack.” I called back the waiter and told him I had to have another cookie because I was taking the bar exam the next day. My next fortune was: “Prepare for the unexpected.” I gave up, went home and studied some more, and actually learned something I could use on the test the next day.

    feefifoto’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen: Ways To Show Your Kids You Love Them

  7. 7 Natural

    busted. i added the in bed immediately and then i stopped reading because i drifted off. had to go back up to the top and start over again.

    well yes JD, you rock, you have achieved perfection.

    i don’t keep the cookie, i don’t even eat the cookie, but i do read the fortune. i scream lie, there’s a fight, i smash the cookie….it gets ugly.

    no fortune has ever come true that i can remember. nope.

    Natural’s last blog post..Why Poverty?

  8. 8 Natural

    5 Long Island Iced Teas. Luckily I never even mastered getting the kickstand off the ground.

    LOL and good thing.

    i’ve never had a long island iced tea. do they really mess you up that much. i think i need to at least taste this drink. next outing. if it doesn’t punch me in the neck on the first sip, i might pout.

    Natural’s last blog post..Why Poverty?

  9. 9 ~Ashley

    This is probably the best post I read today. I always enjoy the funny posts….and your’s never dissapoint..How could they? You have achieved perfection.

    Anyways, i just wanted to let you know that i’ve added you to my blog roll…or as I like to call it “blogs I stalk”

    ~Ashley’s last blog post..Workin at carwash

  10. 10 Babs - beetle

    You know, I can’t remember ever having had a fortune cookie! I do eat Chinese food, it’s my favourite. Maybe I have and didn’t pay it any mind at all! They are a bit like Christmas crackers to me. Open it, read it and screw it up ha ha! Maybe that attitude comes as you get older ;O)

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Ducks, ducks, everywhere ducks!

  11. 11 dcr

    I have a box full of broken promises from fortune cookies. I’m supposed to be rich and famous by now. And, where do I get my refund for all the lucky numbers that weren’t!?!?!?

    dcr’s last blog post..Revenge is Best Served with a Smile

  12. 12 Beth

    Here via Daisy the funniest cat in the freaking world’s blog-

    Why is it I seem to get the obscure fortunes? You know the ones that say something that could either mean I’m going to have a fantastic life, or get a bad case of hemorrhoids?

    Beth’s last blog post..That’s Right- My Mamma Mia Review Is Number 1 On Google.

  13. 13 Jenn Thorson

    Do you notice that most of the fortunes aren’t so much predicting things other than telling you what you already know– y’know including the perfection thing. :)

    I was wondering myself not long ago when exactly fortune cookies had diverged from actually telling you your future, to giving pats on the back, warm fuzzies and moral support?

    They’ve become Suck-up Cookies. Maybe the cookies are looking for new employers or somethin’.

    Jenn Thorson’s last blog post..The Silent Communication of Commuting: Also About the Elmo Truck

  14. 14 Regan

    Fortune cookies! I love them! I mean, it’s a COOKIE with SOMETHING NICE INSIDE!!!

    I think the ideal fortune cookie would say ‘NO, YOU DIDN’T GAIN ANY WEIGHT’ I think many people would like that one.

  15. 15 Meg

    I ask myself this over and over: why couldn’t I be the one with the job writing the fortunes?

    Meg’s last blog post..Meg’s First and Last Bar Fight (Maybe)

  16. 16 Joe

    I just called the mrs. and told her she needs to pick up some General Tso’s chicken for dinner with extra fortune cookies.
    And the “in bed” always works with the fortune cookie.

    Joe’s last blog post..I’m Pretty Bored

  17. 17 JD

    Jaffer: Now I know what to get Dave for Christmas!

    Tiggy: I know. And the worst of it is, I’ll never look forward to fortune cookie fortunes again. What can top this?

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s Mom: Boy, I didn’t even KNOW you could make fortune cookies by hand! That sounds rather painful. Did they at least taste good? It’s a really cute idea. I like that you specified it was a long time ago.

    stephanie barr: It’s hard to be objective when you read how everyone admires you and longs to be in your presence. I hope you never got any “Evil” fortune cookies.

    Athena: AWWWWWWWWWWWW! I love that. I only puked a little, and it’s because I just ate kind of an overripe banana. AWWWWW!

    feefifoto: I always try to read hidden significance into the fortune. I would probably have read that second one and figured the bar exam was going to be the complete opposite of what I expected. And then panicked. Sounds like you handled it much better.

    Natural: You drifted off? Oh, dear. That’s not good. I never eat the cookie unless I’m desperate. So far I’ve never made a scene, but now that I’ve achieved perfection, I will probably have high expectations.

    Long Island Tea is a drink of my long-ago past. It doesn’t really taste all that great (which is not the point), so I recommend a MIAMI Tea, which is the same thing, only OJ instead of coke. Try it! Just stay away from motorcycles.

    Ashley: HA! And thank you. You’re sweet. I’m off to check out this list of stalked blogs. I bet I’m in good company!

    Babs – beetle: I love Christmas crackers! I buy them every year and make my family wear the crowns. They’re way more fun than fortune cookies. You even get a prize!

    dcr: Oh, how sad (in a funny way!)—”the lucky numbers that weren’t.” Just keep shoveling down that Mu Shu Pork, my friend. Your day of achieving perfect will come.

    Beth: I agree: Daisy is definitely the funniest cat in the world! Have you ever actually gotten a case of hemorrhoids? I would pay close attention to what happens after you receive these types of fortunes.

    Jenn Thorson: Hey . . . you’re right! I want my fortune! I don’t need a pat on the back from some dumb cookie!

    Regan: I personally would love to read that on a fortune. Especially after a huge Chinese meal. Lie to me, fortune cookie!

    Meg: I know. Wouldn’t that be fun. You know you’d do a killer job. And to have the fortunes of all the people in the world in YOUR HANDS? Oh, the power. That’s almost better than achieving perfection.

    Joe: Oh, I do love General Tso’s (in bed). I hope you get some good fortunes (in bed.)

  18. 18 Free bingo online

    My favorite is : If you think you can, you can, but I think is better if you add the last quote because you will get: you will be the best IN BED, if you think, you can,

    Free bingo online’s last blog post..Who’s buried under the tombstone? – Week Two!

  19. 19 Fancy

    I didn’t know anyone else did that! I only keep the weirdest, most random and vague ones, and I keep them on my fridge. I think my favorite was “To be better healthy, eat more Chinese food”. Is that a fortune? Or just a shameless plug?

    Fancy’s last blog post..This is where I get it from

  20. 20 The Hawg!

    I should be the one writing fortune cookie fortunes because I’d keep the “in bed” thing in mind and come up with ways to mess with people.

    Such as:

    “You are worried about your performance.”

    “You make people laugh.”

    “You are afraid to try new things.”

    “You are constantly nervous.”

    “It’s not always the little things that count.”

    “You perform sexual acts for money.”

    Yes, I’ll be a wealthy man when I start selling those things.

    The Hawg!’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday — brand new AC/DC

  21. 21 Susan

    Someone else stole my thunder, but I do have to agree that the majority of “fortunes” you get these days are not actual fortunes rather than random statements. I’m always excited when I get one that is actually a prediction of the future, even if it isn’t something good.

    And let’s all be honest about the cookie itself–it’s not so great. Kind of like thin, slightly sweetened cardboard. Other than the fortune cookie, is there any good dessert that you get with Chinese food? I’ve gotten fresh oranges when eating in a Chinese restaurant, but I’m pretty sure that just plain fruit can’t technically be considered dessert.

    Susan’s last blog post..Not Intended for Children Under…10?

  22. 22 Preston

    I love your blog. One year we gave away fortune cookies at a trade show and all the fortunes inside were reasons why to buy from our company. One in 10 won a cheap prize. It was lame but people couldn’t resist ‘em.

    Preston’s last blog post..The SITS Photoshop Contest Makes My Chocolate Contest Look Bogus!

  23. 23 Tim

    Ha! I concur, since autumn is here, “bring on the licky!”
    I don’t know if you need much time to be exciting, do you? Is there a buildup period required for exciting? I kind of imagine anyone that has achieved perfection can probably just burst into a wild bout of excitement on a moment’s notice, and fit that into even the most hectic schedule.

    Tim’s last blog post..Hi-Tech Redneck Camping

  24. 24 Corrina

    I never get good fortunes in those things. They’re always ridiculous like “You have chop suey in your teeth” or “For God’s sake eat a mint!”

    Eveidently you’ve hogged all the good ones. lol It’s ok though; you deserve them. :-D

    Corrina’s last blog post..A Marine and a Butt Crack

  25. 25 Chinese Zodiac Marriage

    …my metaphysics comes to me from between the pages of carefully chosen comic books, thanks, and after a Chinese dinner I much prefer the almond cookies– no surprises.
    We can still be friends JD..

    Chinese Zodiac Marriage’s last blog post..Zodiac Matches for Men Born Under the Pig Sign

  26. 26 Canucklehead

    “That wasn’t chicken.” – worst fortune ever!

    May you find happiness (in bed)!

    CHEERS!

  27. 27 JD

    Fancy: I’m gonna have to go with shameless plug. Also baldfaced lie. I do love the weird ones.

    The Hawg!: HA! You’ve got yourself a new business, my friend. And I love the last one. That’s actually one that might be funnier without “in bed.” Anyway, let me know when your fortune cookies are available online. I’d be more than happy to pay good money for your cookies (IN BED!)

    Susan: You hit the nail on the head with that description of how a fortune cookie tastes (sorry, Chinese restaurants). I’ll eat it if I’m really desperate, but usually I just toss it. And I’ve had almond cookies sometimes for dessert. Those are much better than fortune cookies.

    Preston: Thank you! That sounds like an awesome giveaway. I’d love that, too (especially if I won). Did people eat the cookies?

    Tim: You said it better than I ever could. Who schedules time to be exciting? It should just happen: BLAM! right in the middle of everything else. Especially if it’s autumn, and the licky has arrived.

    Corrina: Now I feel bad. Maybe I should spread some of my perfection around (ew, that sounds gross). With the exception of my last 2 fortunes, however, all my others are glommed together in a big taped mess. The next good one I get goes straight to you.

    Chinese Zodiac Marriage: Yeah! See my comment to Susan above! Almond cookies! I never get those any more. Anyway, phew. I’m glad we’re still friends despite our very different lifestyles. Um . . . which comic books?

  28. 28 Jeff

    Cool! I thought I was the only one who thought Carl Sagan was all that and a bag of chips. Dave and I need to get together and chat. We would have billions and billions of things to discuss.

    Jeff’s last blog post..Hey, no problem. I hope you locate him! Have a nice night now.

  29. 29 AngieSS

    Apparently, I’m the only one who gets “misfortune” cookies. ;)

    The only time I save the fortune is if my lucky #’s on the back look like a winning lottery ticket. :)

    AngieSS’s last blog post..Stupid Is As Stupid Does!

  30. 30 flit

    hmmmm… now what did I do with my fortune cookie from yesterday lunch?

    I might have achieved perfection too …but now I shall never know

    flit’s last blog post..Family Support

  31. 31 kouji

    hmmmm… can’t remember the last time i had a go at a fortune cookie… :O

    kouji’s last blog post..blog action day 2008: philippine poverty haiku poems

  32. 32 JD

    Canucklehead: SAVED from Akismet’s evil clutches. And: groan. I just hope I never read “That wasn’t chicken . . . in bed.” Right?

    Jeff: Beelions and beelions! I can’t wait to tell Dave. He thought he was the only Saganite out there. I told him with all of the many galaxies still uncharted, that would be impossible.

    AngieSS: Ah, good idea. I never thought of that. Well, better misfortune cookies than EVIL fortune cookies.

    flit: You definitely need proof. I’m afraid I can’t just accept your word. Maybe . . . and I suspect this is the case . . . there was only ONE “You have achieved perfection” fortune printed.

    kouji: Well, you’d better get out there and start eating Chinese food! The rest of us are busy achieving perfection. You don’t want to be left out!

  33. 33 Florida Girl In Sydney

    You have achieved perfection… duh!
    Of course I had to add “in bed” to all of them.

    Florida Girl In Sydney’s last blog post..What the Hell? And Who the Hell Are You?

  34. 34 Kathy, who got within 10 ft of Carl Sagan once

    I tested out the online fortune thingy. This is the one I got:
    “You learn about another person in the process of teaching them something.”

    Appropriate because I had to teach my 82-yr-old, legally-blind, impatient father by phone how to make an uppercase character on the keyboard. It took us five minutes to get the job done. I learned that he’s using the keyboard for far less than it’s intended. I won’t even get into how bad it was teaching him the difference between a forward and a back slash.

    Kathy, who got within 10 ft of Carl Sagan once’s last blog post..Losing Never Tasted So Gouda

  35. 35 JD

    Florida Girl in Sydney: Of course! Atta girl, Florida Girl!

    Kathy, who got within 10 ft of Carl Sagan once: First, you have to tell Dave the Carl Sagan story. He’s dying of jealousy. Neither of us, however, are jealous of your position as Technical Support Specialist to Kathy’s Family.

  36. 36 chat blanc

    I need a GOOD fortune, fortune cookie source. My fortunes are typically not worth saving and certainly don’t come near to saying I’ve achieved perfection. Perhaps the fortune writers know of my evil twin?

    chat blanc’s last blog post..This could be the one

  37. 37 JD

    chat blanc: You can’t underestimate the fortune writers. I’ll share my perfection with you. I don’t need all of it.

  38. 38 flit

    I didn’t acheive perfection – boo hoo. Found my fortune cookie in my purse – doesn’t look like a cookie any more… more like a little plastic bag of cardboard crumbs – but the fortune was still intact.

    It says

    Don’t be afraid to take a chance when the opportunity of a lifetime appears.

    Note that it does not indicate that the opportunity of a lifetime will appear any time soon.. just that I should take it when it comes.

    flit’s last blog post..Do Marks Matter?

  39. 39 flit

    But it does say when not if…so I suppose that’s something

    flit’s last blog post..Do Marks Matter?

  40. 40 JD

    flit: I don’t think those cookies can ever be completely destroyed. Reduced to crumbs, yes, but those crumbs will rule the earth with the cockroaches when we are long gone. I’m excited about your opportunity of a lifetime! Because it’s happening—you’d better believe it!

  41. 41 mlm

    I took my husband to lunch to tell him I was pregnant with our son. After a lot of stunned, “I don’t know what to say”, we got around to eating our Chinese food. The fortune cookie I ended up with said, “Your efforts will be worthwhile”!! Freaky! (or, I was just applying the fortune to what was going on in my life right then. I still prefer Freaky!)

  42. 42 JD

    mlm: I always prefer Freaky! I think it’s pretty clear that your fortune accurately reflected what was going on in your life. If you add the hilarious “in bed” and change the tense of the fortune, it becomes even more Freaky!


Subscribe

Subscribe by RSS Feeds


I Do Kindle


Read my blog on Kindle



Read a Random Thing





Categories









Blog Widget by LinkWithin