Here’s the dilly-o: I could stand to lose a few. I got a little junk in the trunk. I would not be described as a stick figure. Do you see what I’m doing here? I’m trying not to use the word “fat.” It just makes things worse. Plus, do I really think I’m fat? No. I’m zaftig. I’ve got a little extra padding. There’s more of me to love. Dare I say I’m bootylicious?
But then I see this in my email inbox:
Julia Claire, THIS is why you’re fat—Please don’t be disgusted though, it’s NOT your fault.
Holy crap! So not only am I fat after all, but someone out there (who knows my middle name!) has figured out why.
Hi Julia Claire,
My name is Suzanne, and I’m a real doctor that would like to show you why you may be “fat.”
Press here to see the disgusting truth that is keeping you from losing fat.
Readers: do NOT press there. I am begging you. If you don’t believe me, here’s one of the photo captions you will read if you do:
Would you trust anything living in your bowels that has teeth but NO eyes?
Um, is trust really the issue here? If any of those things were living in my bowels, forget trust, I’d grab a rusty saw and remove them posthaste. Also, am I more likely to trust a bowel creature that has teeth and eyes?
Maybe they lost their eyes after “pressing here.” I know I almost did.
ANYway, it seems that the key to this program is eliminating your body of parasites and harmful bacteria. Excuse me for being gross, but don’t we have poo for that? Last time I checked (and I don’t mean I literally checked my poo), humans were built with this amazing system called “GOING TO THE BATHROOM” that is supposed to get rid of all this stuff, teeth, eyes, and all.
But it doesn’t matter, because, you see, I’ve found a quicker way to lose weight:
“Press here” and lose your lunch. Repeat.
It’s working like a charm.
They be checkin’ they poo at humor-blogs.