I Am Fat (and Disgusted)

Don’tcha call me pudgy, portly, or stout

scary-fish1.jpg

Here’s the dilly-o: I could stand to lose a few. I got a little junk in the trunk. I would not be described as a stick figure. Do you see what I’m doing here? I’m trying not to use the word “fat.” It just makes things worse. Plus, do I really think I’m fat? No. I’m zaftig. I’ve got a little extra padding. There’s more of me to love. Dare I say I’m bootylicious?

But then I see this in my email inbox:

Julia Claire, THIS is why you’re fat—Please don’t be disgusted though, it’s NOT your fault.

Holy crap! So not only am I fat after all, but someone out there (who knows my middle name!) has figured out why.

Hi Julia Claire,

My name is Suzanne, and I’m a real doctor that would like to show you why you may be “fat.”

Press here to see the disgusting truth that is keeping you from losing fat.

Readers: do NOT press there. I am begging you. If you don’t believe me, here’s one of the photo captions you will read if you do:

Would you trust anything living in your bowels that has teeth but NO eyes?

Um, is trust really the issue here? If any of those things were living in my bowels, forget trust, I’d grab a rusty saw and remove them posthaste. Also, am I more likely to trust a bowel creature that has teeth and eyes?

Maybe they lost their eyes after “pressing here.” I know I almost did.

ANYway, it seems that the key to this program is eliminating your body of parasites and harmful bacteria. Excuse me for being gross, but don’t we have poo for that? Last time I checked (and I don’t mean I literally checked my poo), humans were built with this amazing system called “GOING TO THE BATHROOM” that is supposed to get rid of all this stuff, teeth, eyes, and all.

But it doesn’t matter, because, you see, I’ve found a quicker way to lose weight:

“Press here” and lose your lunch. Repeat.

It’s working like a charm.

___________________________

They be checkin’ they poo at humor-blogs.

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53 Comments


53 Responses to “I Am Fat (and Disgusted)”

  1. 1 April

    Even scarier than those pics, there are people who will actually believe this hype. In fact, I suspect my mother will be calling me soon to tell me that she knows the secret to how I can lose weight….

  2. 2 Regan

    Lol!! Sometimes, in my spam mail, I get an email about ‘how the Japanese stay so skinny!’ Then, it says to click the buttom to find out. I click the buttom. Now it says ‘get Chinese skinny!’ Uhm. A few seconds ago, I thought it was Japanese. Still, I go on. These spam things are fun to read sometimes. Now, there’s a TEST to find out if you need this miracle pill or not. I take the test. Don’t need it. I take the test and lie. I need it.

    It’s a wonderful world of weight loss pills, isn’t it? I can rattled about 10 weight loss brands of the top of my head. I don’t even know if I can name 10 of the periodic elements….

    Which is kindof sad.

  3. 3 Jeff

    Wait a minute… is this one of those pay-per-post advertising posts? Are you in cahoots with this place and getting money every time someone clicks one or your THREE links? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

    (jkoc)

  4. 4 Daisy the Curly Cat

    ACK! I must secure the secret for removing the harmful goop from my innards. Oh, yeah, you’re right. Just go poop! It’s the cheap and easy solution.

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Yoga Daisy!

  5. 5 Babs - beetle

    Oh how yuckie! People do actually believe this stuff. I wonder why they think that we have to actually help our bodies to do the things it was designed to do!

    I thought you were disgusted, so I didn’t have to be. You MADE me press ‘here’ purely by telling me not to! ;O)

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..I missed them both!

  6. 6 Angus Mhor

    Well, SOMEBODY had to be poop-checker, to find all those creatures with teeth and no eyes, didn’t they? EWWWW!

    Angus Mhor’s last blog post..Kwerky-ness In The Land

  7. 7 Chat Blanc

    I’m a coward, I can’t even look!! The whole teeth/eyes statement freaks me out! *gag*

    Chat Blanc’s last blog post..Exorcising or exercising the demons?

  8. 8 Sassy Mama Bear

    I have to laugh because we were watching some show on BBC America last night in which this doctor basically did the same thing for random people she found in the grocery store buying bad foods. It was rather disgusting when she started discussing their poo, and then she gave them all a high colonic.
    Yeah, if that is the way to lose weight I’ll keep the junk in my plump trunk – thank you much!

    Sassy Mama Bear’s last blog post..Current giveaways at Mama Bear Reads:

  9. 9 Tiggy

    I have yet to press that button so I shall, for now, remain blissfully ignorant (let me finish my lunch first, eh?)

    I can’t understand how a mini monster with teeth isn’t good for you… I mean if it has teeth it must eat? It must be eating bits of you? So that’s a good thing? Maybe we need more biting toothy things inside us to eat up those excess pounds, like tape worms.

    Oh looky, my lunch has just come back.

    *unwell*

    Tiggy’s last blog post..The $50 Guru

  10. 10 Alice

    First off, I’m already fat, so you didn’t have to do it for me.

    Second – the pictures are gross (thanks for warning), but if you’re trying to pass yourself off as a doctor, would you really dress like the chick in the ad? Stupid.

    Going to take a dump now.

    Alice’s last blog post..Things In Our Playroom I Hate: Part Three & Four

  11. 11 JD

    April: Well, if she does call, just be sure she doesn’t try to spring any nasty pictures on you.

    Regan: They think we won’t notice! We’re so desperate to get thin, we’ll try anything: Japanese, Chinese, who cares?! Stay away from those diet pills: ALL OF THEM!

    Jeff: Oh, MAN! You always see right through me. (sadly counts money from Pay-per-Post)

    Daisy the Curly Cat: There you go! THAT’S the medical secret THEY don’t want you to know!

    Babs – beetle: HEE! I knew people wouldn’t be able to resist. I figured since I was disgusted, I’d have to share it with everyone.

    Angus Mhor: EWWWW is right! Who applies for that job? “Sift thru people’s poo to find monstery creatures.” Sign me up!

    Chat Blanc: Don’t look!!! It’s bad, I tell ya.

    Sassy Mama Bear: Wait, what? She gave them a high colonic in the grocery store? Those crazy Brits!

    Tiggy: And there you go! I bet you just lost 2 pounds! Now imagine if you did look at the pictures. You’d probably lose at least two more.

    And I agree: creatures with teeth would be most beneficial—like cuttlefish or those fish that nibble away the dead skin on your feet.

    And now I’ve lost my lunch. Damn.

    Alice: Yeah, she looks really professional, doesn’t she. So . . . how was your dump?

  12. 12 dcr

    You know, you could have warned us about the links.

    Oh, you gave ample warning about freaky images, but those freaky images don’t bother me.

    It’s those annoying people that walk into the sidebar and start yammering away that really irk me!

    This offered some relief.

    dcr’s last blog post..Assassin Bug

  13. 13 Monique

    omg, while sitting here munching on my delicious lunch, I decided to click the link – like an idiot – YAH ME!!

    Um… and Dr. Suzanne really scares me. Is she really a doctor? I hope not, and it’s just something she calls herself, like Dr. Phil.

    And with that said, I’m going to go throw the rest of my lunch away.

    Monique’s last blog post..My Life on the V-List

  14. 14 Lori

    Geez, JD – I wish you would have told me BEFORE I gained all this weight!!

  15. 15 Kathy

    “…don’t we have poo for that?” Oh my Lord, I shorted coffee out my nose! Despite your warnings, I clicked anyway, but couldn’t get past the toothy, eyeless monster and then the chick walking in from the right scared me half to death. I don’t have to worry about losing weight. I almost had a heart attack on their site. Dead means I don’t care how I look anymore. Geez! Where do you find these things???

    Kathy’s last blog post..Meet Phil

  16. 16 Meg

    Dang! I was really hoping you’d get that colonic for me.

    Meg’s last blog post..In Which I Lose The Battle

  17. 17 Natural

    you mean i’m fat because i have worms with no eyes? i know how they are going to get out, but how did they get in there? they are so slacking on the job.

    Would you trust anything living in your bowels that has teeth but NO eyes?:

    I guess they can’t see sh** then, how would they know i’m fat.

    Natural’s last blog post..As Not Yet Seen On TV

  18. 18 MarketingDeviant

    I’m not going to click it! Good old fashion exercise does the trick of staying lean though? Just exercise daily for a few mins!

    MarketingDeviant’s last blog post..Attention to Details

  19. 19 JD

    Monique: I read your last sentence as “I’m going to throw UP the rest of my lunch anyway.” Well, either way . . . you’ve lost 2 pounds! As for the “doctor,” yeah. I think she’s even scarier than the teethless bowel creatures.

    dcr: Oh my gawd, that’s hilarious! My dog took a dump right on the annoying lady’s face! HA! I played around with this all afternoon. I like the peeing one and the gun, but the dog is the best.

    Lori: Well, all ya gotta do is press here! I guarantee, you’ll at least lose your dinner.

    Kathy: I don’t think snorting coffee out of your nose results in weight loss; however you’re quite right: death is the ultimate solution. “These things” find me!

    Meg: I didn’t say I wouldn’t . . .

    Natural: HA! Good point. Also, “I’m fat because I have worms with no eyes” is my new slogan.

    MarketingDeviant: Your argument for exercise is an excellent one, HOWEVER! What if you exercise an hour a day for 4-5 days and you STILL have bowel creatures?

  20. 20 Bex

    I’m with chat blanc…I was afraid to look at the pictures after reading something about it being on the inside with no eyes yet teeth. Blech. I’m all set, thank you all the same.

    Am I fat? I am definitely not skinny. I’m curvy…hmmm. Well, let’s put it this way: I don’t consider myself fat. But if I lost 20 pounds I wouldn’t look anorexic. Ahem. Basically, I like to think of myself as Rubenesque. And I don’t like to think of myself as containing bowel creatures.

    Ok. Enough about me – it was a funny post!!

    Bex’s last blog post..Oooohhh…I just LOVE when you wrap it around me… do it again, please?

  21. 21 Ernie

    “If you see me comin’ your way, better give me plenty of space. If I tell you that I’m hungry, then won’t you feed my face?”

    Ernie’s last blog post..I Just Watched My Dog Run Away For A Week

  22. 22 Maureen

    No. No. No…. I will NOT click the linkys….

    Especially since I am eating whilst blogging.

    (and I love your Weird Al quote).

  23. 23 windyridge

    YUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I know we have beneficial flora in our guts but now I am wondering if they have eyes and worse than that….ears. LOL

    windyridge’s last blog post..This Blew Me Away

  24. 24 Fashion Paramedic

    Okay. This is SO why I shouldn’t read blogs before I go to bed.

    I’m going to have to sleep with the light on. Probably for a lot longer than I did after I watched “The Ring,” because I was a-scared that that crazy girl would crawl out of my living room big screen and down the hall to get me.

    Damn. That was some SCARY sh*t. And I’m not talking about the movie. (And what was with “Dr. Stephanie” roaming around the screen? CREEPY.)

    Fashion Paramedic’s last blog post..Oh, the Rocky HORROR!

  25. 25 JD

    Bex: I think we are definitely on the same page with the whole “fat” / bowel creature thing. Thanks for stopping by!

    Ernie: HA! I’m a sucker for “early” Weird Al. This was one of his better ones, I thought.

    Maureen: You are wise AND you love Weird Al. What more do you need?

    windyridge: You broke my blog! Kidding—but your “K’s have a mind of their own.

    OH NO YOU DI’N'T?!?!?! EARS? Holy crap. Now I’m gonna have to chime in:

    YUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Fashion Paramedic: I can’t decide if the creatures were scarier than the doctor. At least THEY didn’t move around and talk to you! I hope you got some sleep last night.

  26. 26 Singular Girl

    I don’t know what is more scary- the parasitic pictures, the camo pants, or the disclaimer at the bottom of the page that not only instructs you to consult a mental health professional before trying the weight loss plan but also indicates that they cannot promise that the website is “error-free” and should be used on an “as is” basis. Ugh, sends shivers down my spine!

    Singular Girl’s last blog post..Pundit Kitchen

  27. 27 Scratch Bags

    Ugghhh!! Those were some gross pictures. Why didn’t you tell me before about this? I could have avoided so much of running and jumping around in the house. Now look I have got cracks on my floor because of this. Good Grief! I was going to have tea. Now, I think I’ll go take a walk first. lol

    Scratch Bags’s last blog post..I Haz Got An Award

  28. 28 Qelqoth

    Dr. Suzanne Gudakunst is simply stirring up all this anti-obesity hatred to keep us from enjoying the great taste of bacon, fried chicken and artery clogging goodness. I say kill her with fire.

  29. 29 brooke regans friend

    omg ewwwww

  30. 30 hparis

    Buddy likes poop. Sometimes he gets a steamin’ treat from brother before it even hits the ground, and in winter, nothin’ beats a poopcicle. He says it’s the key to lean strong muscles and a good coat. For the life of him, he can’t figure out why humans flush perfectly good poop down the toilet. Strange humans!

    hparis’s last blog post..Need Motivation To Get Out And Walk? Join The Alzheimer’s Memory Walk

  31. 31 Rhonda a/k/a Chuckie

    LMAO. I don’t know you so I don’t know how much to take seriously here…but, that’s just me. I’m just say’n.

    Thx for the giggle and when you’re done wiping off your mouth (from the previous upchuck) come on over to my place. Today’s about my memoir, but generally I have some funny stuff…like this one: Case of the Missing Pad. It’s a vomit story too.

    *huggies*

    Rhonda a/k/a Chuckie’s last blog post..Memories with Cobwebs

  32. 32 JD

    Singular Girl: The thought of a medical Web site that cannot promise to be error-free wakes me up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. “As is” = terrifying!

    Scratch Bags: I’m sorry! If only I’d received this helpful email sooner. Before now, I’ve just been blissfully unaware that I was fat and had bowel creatures.

    Qelgoth: No one—but no one—stands between me and my bacon, not even a TV Lady Doctor in camo pants. Fire is too good for her.

    brooke regans friend: Well, I was wondering when you’d find your way over here! Welcome, brooke regans friend. And, yes: “ewwwww” pretty much sums it up.

    hparis: Oh, Buddy. There’s so much we can learn from you. My coat is pretty pathetic, and now I know why.

    Rhonda a/k/a Chuckie: You mean I’ve written about POO and you don’t feel like you know me? That’s OK. Have a look around. You’ll soon learn to take NOTHING seriously. And I’m on my way to your blog now . . .

  33. 33 Butt Spider

    Uh, there’s something living in my butt that has TEETH??

    I am never going to sleep again.

    Butt Spider’s last blog post..Absolutely Fucking Insane

  34. 34 Tim

    Since I have such a good imagination and I need my sleep, I won’t look until morning. It sounds bad enough to keep me up all night.
    When I read Ernie’s Weird Al quote, I was afraid he would lose you all. I nearly sighed with relief when it didn’t pass over heads!

    Tim’s last blog post..But I’m Not Ready to be an Evil Minion! How about Inebriated Minion Instead?

  35. 35 Qelqoth

    Bacon pwns.

    P.S. Your internets broked my username.

    Just letting you know. :)

  36. 36 JD

    Butt Spider: Ah, the Butt Spider returns!

    Don’t worry. I’m thinking of adding a new product to my Butt Sanitizer kit. It will be some sort of easy to insert Butt Creature Killer. Something along the lines of deworming.

    Now don’t you feel better?

    Tim: Never would a Weird Al quote go over my head, I’m sorry to say. So . . . it’s daytime. Have you looked?

    Qelgoth: Uh oh. Maybe it didn’t like the “Q”? Are you sure it wasn’t your username that broke my internets? We’re gonna have to get to the bottom of this . . .

  37. 37 Elle

    Bahhhh no clickee here. Don’t even want to think about things with teeth living in my lower intestines. I’m still mortified by the thing who grew teeth after slithering out of my ‘gine. And lord knows THAT experience ruined any weight loss hopes I had. After all, he actually expects to be fed and baked cookies for and stuff.

    Elle’s last blog post..Shape of My Heart, Epilogue 1

  38. 38 Tim

    Actually, JD, I left that comment at 10:27 PM….. what part of the world are you in agains, cause I was sure there wasn’t that big a time difference! :)

    Tim’s last blog post..But I’m Not Ready to be an Evil Minion! How about Inebriated Minion Instead?

  39. 39 JD

    Elle: No clickee is a good rule of thumb with sites like these. And, at least your “thing” has eyes!

    Tim: I’m in Chicago, but I think my time stampy thingie is off. I’ll look into that . . .

  40. 40 damon

    You know, it would have been nice if YOU would have clicked THAT, so I wouldn’t have to.

    Yech!

    damon’s last blog post..It’s all about the bacon, my brothers

  41. 41 JD

    damon: I am at my wit’s end with you people! Didn’t I warn you? Thrice? That’s it. Next time—no warnings!

  42. 42 JT

    That’s just flat gross and disgusting. LOL! However, I know know why I can’t gain weight! Unlike you, I’m skinny as a damn rail, with no boobs, butt or hips to show for it. I have just enough to show I’m probably not a boy, but a few years when I cut most of my hair off, a very good friend took advantage of it by introducing me around me as “the new boy at work”. It was pretty damn funny as some people took her seriously until they took a second look and we would fall into a giggle pile on the floor of their office. Yeah, I have a pretty good sense of humor about it, but then one has to!. So now, thanks to you, I’m blaming things with teeth and no eyes as being responsible for my not gaining weight. They’re eating all of my food!

    JT’s last blog post..Tickilisms

  43. 43 JD

    JT: Wow, you must really be slender! I’m not sure I want to be skinny as a damn rail, but these eyeless creatures could be doing a better job nibbling away at my insides. That’s funny that you actually almost passed as a boy.

  44. 44 floridagirlinsydney

    That’s insane. If you text your name and weight to 122POO – for only $9.99 per week you will lose all the weight you want within 30 days.
    Try it. :) Those text message things are rampant in Australia.
    I think you’ve inspired a blog posting.

    floridagirlinsydney’s last blog post..Save the Drama for your Mama

  45. 45 JD

    floridaygirlinsydney: Oh, MAN! That is so worth it. But I’ve only got 3 weeks to lose all the weight I want. Is there a different number I can text?

    I’m so happy when poo is the inspiration for a blog post. Looking forward to it . . .

  46. 46 Counseling New York

    This is a great entry! I loved it all-and found much to sympathize with! If only it were so easy-it’s a little bug causing me to shove ice cream in my mouth at midnight! I get it now! LOL! How could anyone fall for that? If you are interested in real weight loss solutions, you’ve got to talk to people who have been there, done that! I don’t think anyone can lose weight until they are actually ready, though. I know that was the case for me. I tried everything! But, until I was ready, my efforts were all in vane. When I was ready, though, I read all I could get my hands on. My favorite spot to go was http://www.goodtherapy.org/New-York-Therapy.htm. This blog has therapists who write about everything, including losing weight. Reading their incites really helped me pair motivation with solid information that set me up for success. But, again, if I hadn’t been ready, I wouldn’t have succeeded, no matter how great that blog is!!

  47. 47 ~beth ♥

    Fat girls UNITE!!

    ~beth ♥’s last blog post..Kidding Myself Party??

  48. 48 bsilvia

    Mine got eyes :-P

    JD it’s easy: come here and I won’t let you eat for a 3 weeks :)

    Silvia

    PS: I’m fat and disgusted too :)

    bsilvia’s last blog post..Yet Another HiRes, Commercial Free, Photoshop Brushes Set (6) – Ornaments

  49. 49 JD

    ~beth: WOO! And when we do unite, everyone better WATCH OUT!

    bsilvia: Uh oh. They’re watching you then. Be careful. Don’t let on that you know.

    Do you really think you could keep me from eating for 3 weeks?

  50. 50 bsilvia

    They are looking for a chocolate and ice cream, then they sing: “Buy this, buy that, eat this, eat that… ”

    Heheh… I can try :)
    I’ll give you fresh water every day :-P

    bsilvia’s last blog post..And another Free Photoshop Brushes Set; Stickers (10)

  51. 51 JD

    bsilvia: Fresh water every day? I’m in!

  52. 52 Susan

    I didn’t press there…I’m too scared. hehehe…

    Susan’s last blog post..Let it Snow

  53. 53 JD

    Susan: You’re right to be scared. But aren’t you also a bit curious? Just a bit . . . ?


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