I Am Done with the Californian

It’s over, it’s over . . .

It’s over. No, I mean it. This time it’s really over. I’m never going back. I don’t care how the memories of our first encounter torment me. You have betrayed me one too many times. I can no longer trust you.

Oh, Californian. You and I could have had such a happy life together. It’s true that our relationship would never have been more than a series of intense meetings made possible whenever I could justify your expense. But I loved you despite your ridiculously high price tag. Maybe . . . I loved you because of it.

I’ll never forget when we first met. I was vulnerable, bleary-eyed, and a bit gassy. You were fresh, delicious, and chewy. You were the sandwich of my dreams, had I ever been capable of dreaming such perfection. I was hungry—you were there. How could it have gone so wrong?

Some will say that your magical effect on me was due entirely to the drugs. Others will blame the fact that I hadn’t eaten for over 36 hours. But, Californian, I always believed it was real, and that the exquisite blending of your fresh ingredients would continue to intrigue me, over and over. The fact that you were the first food I ate after my colonoscopy surely had nothing to do with our chemistry.

Oh, that first time. I was starving, weak, and delirious. I sought you out among hundreds of other fine choices. You didn’t disappoint. Your deliciousness brought me to tears—I could only eat half of you before falling into a deep swoon that may or may not have been from the drugs. When I awoke—confused, dizzy, still hungry—you were there. Well, half of you was there. I finished you gratefully. I began to count the hours until we would meet again.

Our second encounter was, to say the least, a disappointment. What I recalled as fresh, tender turkey was now chewy and tough. Stale crusts, hard as popsicle sticks, offended my sensitive palate. The avocado, once smooth and flavorful, was now slimy and gross. Even the lettuce sucked.

But I forgave you! I was more than willing to give you another chance. After all, you had saved my life that day. Perhaps my expectations had been too high. Yes, I blamed myself.

But it happened again. And yet again. I kept going back, determined to rekindle the fire that had once existed between us. Surely this time, the turkey would be fresh! Surely this time, the bread wouldn’t be stale! But with every $8.99 plus tax I shelled out came bitter despair and utter despondency.

It’s time to face the truth.

We are finished, you and I. Never again will your once-firm avocado touch my quivering lips. Never again will my aching throat gladly accept your bountiful turkey slices. Never again will your once-yielding yet crusty bread embrace my waiting tongue.

I am done with you, Californian.

If You Want to Meet the Californian

Head on over to Foodstuffs. Be sure to ask for a freshly made sandwich. Do not accept the pre-packaged ones.

The Californian is: roasted turkey breast and havarti cheese with dijon mayonnaise, avocado, romaine lettuce, and tomatoes on seven-grain bread. And yes, it really is $8.99.

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48 Comments


48 Responses to “I Am Done with the Californian”

  1. 1 The Incredible Woody

    Damn them, damn them all for never living up to the expectations!

  2. 2 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Well, rats! I am very sad that your sammich was a disappointment.

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Toysday with Harley

  3. 3 Kelly

    oh no! don’t you just hate it when the one you love lets you down over and over again?!? the californian must be a man!

    Kelly’s last blog post..Deerey Christmas!

  4. 4 absepa

    Oh, that sounds like such a delicious sandwich! I completely understand your disappointment, since your first experience with it was so wonderful. A bad sandwich is definitely not worth $8.99.

    absepa’s last blog post..Lord, Please Save Me from the Pies…

  5. 5 Tiggy

    It’s for the best JD. At $8.99 it is a big commitment, and I’m sure a hunky beef and mustard on rye will be meeting your lips soon.

    Tiggy’s last blog post..Tiggy’s New Job – Part One

  6. 6 Kirsten

    That sandwich sounds sooooo good!
    Please don’t tell me it’s a disappointment!

    Kirsten’s last blog post..All Work and No Play…

  7. 7 Jenn

    Only you J.D. could write poetically about the tragic end of sandwich love.

    Jenn’s last blog post..A Picture’s Worth a Thousand Words: Caption Contest

  8. 8 Angi

    How sad!…the Californian is my favorite type of sandwich. Chili’s used to serve a decent one and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t $8.99…

    Angi’s last blog post..7 Things Men Will Never Get About Beauty: Explained!

  9. 9 Joe

    I am searching for a new sandwich, so thanks for outing the Californian as a poor substitute for the sandwich of one’s dreams.

    Joe’s last blog post..I’m Home and Have a New Problem–You Can Help

  10. 10 Meg

    It’s got to be the avocado that makes it so expensive. I mean, they don’t grow on trees you know. And those good Omega fats come with a price tag.

    Try an Arby’s chicken salad. It’s made with grapes and pecans.

    Meg’s last blog post..Meg’s Meandering Monday

  11. 11 Fancy

    Surely you could make it at home for cheaper so we don’t have to…

  12. 12 Canucklehead

    Ah, who needs the Californian?! Try the Canadian – instead of roasted turkey breast it has bacon, and in lieu of havarti cheese – bacon. What about avocado you ask? Well, that is replaced with bacon. We then move on to the …. you get the idea ….

    your once-yielding yet crusty friend,
    Canucky

    Canucklehead’s last blog post..Welcome Butch!

  13. 13 Wayne John

    Well hell, never heard of that sandwich…and I live in California!

    I’ll take a PB&J anyday….

    Wayne John’s last blog post..Navigating the Blogger Administration Interface

  14. 14 JD

    The Incredible Woody: I may never get over this.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Thank you. I had such high hopes.

    Kelly: What else? What makes me so mad is that I kept going back for more!

    absepa: No, it’s not. But a good sandwich can be priceless, and that’s how I felt at first. I would pay anything to have that first sandwich experience again!

    Tiggy: I hope so. Tho I’d hate to experience sandwich rebound. That can be painful too.

    Kirsten: It is a disappointment! I hate to tell you. Don’t give in to the Californian, no matter what.

    Jenn: But it’s such a great topic. Surely others before me have rhapsodized on the highs and lows of the sandwich?

    Angi: At least at Chili’s you probably got fries with it. Hmmph.

    Joe: You’re welcome. I don’t want anyone else to go thru the hell I’ve been through. May I suggest the Sorry, Charlie?

    Meg: I’m not too excited about grapes and pecans in my sandwich, but wow. Arby’s is sounding pretty upscale. What about my old friend, the Beef ‘n’ Cheddar?

    Fancy: I could try. It’s not like the ingredients are all that exotic. But part of the beauty of it was having someone else make it for me. SO I DON’T HAVE TO!

    Canucklehead: You know, even at our high point, I always felt that something was missing. You’re right: The Canadian will be my new sandwich of love.

    Wayne John: You’re better off never having heard of the Californian. He doesn’t just break women’s hearts.

  15. 15 Jacqueline

    Wow, I wonder how it feels to be so popular. :-)

  16. 16 Stephanie Barr

    No sauce like hunger, eh?

    Clearly, the sandwich was a tease, picking a vulnerable moment like a pot-bellied sleeze (complete with gaudy gold chains and so much cologne he leaves a puddle when he stands still) hitting on the dumped girl whose drinking her loneliness away. You were starving for flavor and it blossomed at that moment into something tasty. But there was no more magic after catching you and, like those chicks with the beauty pill in “Mudd’s Women” (Star Trek, the Original Series), underneath, the truth just wasn’t pretty.

    This was no Adonis, clearly, but the sort of has-been/wannabe masquerading as something palatable (though expensive) at one of your weak moments.

    Glad you finally saw through him/it.

    (Have you tried making one at home?)

    Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..Who Do You Love?

  17. 17 Broadway Matron

    BLT on rye toast ….never disappoints

    Broadway Matron’s last blog post..Just because I can – Wiley pictures

  18. 18 haleyhughes

    There is nothing quite live that first burst of new love. Too bad it so quickly faded. Perhaps it was never meant to be.

    haleyhughes’s last blog post..Ideas for totally random gift giving, Part 1

  19. 19 Regan

    I can’t believe you had to spend all that money on a frozen slime ball! It’s like wasting your money on something of equal disappointment! You should get all the money back you spent on those. I bet they call it the Californian because they make it in California, then ship it around the US. And by then, it’s all gross. You probably got the one fresh sandwich they ever had.

  20. 20 Babs - beetle

    Give me a cheese and tomato sandwich any day. Other than ham, I hate meat sandwiches ;O)

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Birthday Whatsit?

  21. 21 ann of thejunkdrawerblogfamily

    I always give my favorite foods the benefit of the doubt. Unless I vomit, I will give it another chance. I am the doormat of food. Just wait a few months, you’ll take him (er, it) back.

  22. 22 Tim

    I’ll get our biker cook, ‘Grease’, to whip you up a fresh one and email it to for tomorrow :)

    Tim’s last blog post..Go Ahead and Back Up! Protect Your Precious WordPress Files…

  23. 23 JD

    Jacqueline: Hey, you stick around. We may not be the cool kids, but we have a lot of fun.

    Stephanie Barr: Oh, you said it so much better than I ever could! I can totally picture the pot-bellied sleaze and the dumped girl. But I have to admit: you lost me with the Star Trek reference. Now I’m going to have to look that up and see what it’s all about (or just ask my husband).

    Broadway Matron: Mmmm. I think I’m slowly beginning to realize that my biggest mistake was in overlooking bacon when choosing my dream sandwich.

    haleyhughes: Even as I write these words, it’s so hard for me to admit it’s really over. Sigh.

    Regan: I think you’re on to something here. Why else would that one sandwich have tasted so heavenly? It MUST have been made fresh that day—and all the others were, like, 12 days old. Foo.

    Babs – beetle: I remember eating a lot of cheese and tomato sandwiches when I lived in Ireland. Also chip sandwiches. Also sausage sandwiches. But I’m afraid none will live up to my beloved Californian. Sniff.

    ann of the junkdrawerblogfamily: HA! Yeah, it takes a lot (e.g., vomit) for me to turn my back on most food. I keep going back for more. And you’re right. Maybe this isn’t the final chapter for The Californian.

    Tim: Aw, thanks. Be sure, um, ‘Grease’ knows I like very fresh avocado and lots of mustard. You’re a pal.

  24. 24 Stephanie Barr

    There’s no such thing as a dream sandwich sans bacon. I think Regan’s on to something.

    Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..Don’t you love to laugh?

  25. 25 chat blanc

    I would have fallen for that damn sammy too, but how dare it break your hungry heart!

    chat blanc’s last blog post..How did I not know this?!?

  26. 26 Maureen

    Hah! Ode to a lost sandwich love… that was great.

    Although now I am hungry and it is bedtime… thanks.

    Maureen’s last blog post..The Devil Made Me Do It

  27. 27 Puglette

    Oh, JD…I just want to cry, that was a magnificent elegy to a departed love. But, I won’t cry for your sammich loss…nope…I will just tell you to get to the grocery store, buy an avocado, some decent turkey, a nice ripe tomato, and lettuce if you must, some fresh bread and Best Food’s Dijonnaise! Oh, and add some lovely thick sliced pepper bacon too. Make your self one at home and never pay that $8.99 for one sammich again! You will even be able to make one for your husband!

    Oh, and try this one too…
    a tasty bread, i usually use sourdough rye, spread one slice with cream cheese and the other with thousand island dressing. Add some sliced avocado and large shrimp. Now that’s a Californian!

    DIY always makes a sammich better…or is it a better sammich?
    hugs,
    puglette
    :o)

    Puglette’s last blog post..Favorite Photos Part 2

  28. 28 Kathy

    I went over to the Foodstuffs website and can see why you’d be smitten. All the sandwiches looked delicious and I’m glad you at least had a good first experience. I’m sorry you couldn’t rekindle the passion. A sammich is a terrible thing to waste.

    So, tell me. Is that a picture of a PBJ over there on the Foodstuffs menu? For four dollars???? That thing better sing to me and do my laundry for 4 dollars because I’m pretty sure I can make one for $0.49 if I had to.

    Favorite line: “I’ll never forget when we first met. I was vulnerable, bleary-eyed, and a bit gassy.” You rock, sister.

    Kathy’s last blog post..Only if You Invite Me Down

  29. 29 stephanie barr

    Whoops, I mean “Broadway Matron” not Regan. Bacon does a sammich good.

  30. 30 The Hawg!

    Oh, JD — you made a rookie mistake. I hate to say it, but it’s true.

    I know from experience that the first thing you eat after a colonoscopy is the best thing in the universe. Think about it — you’re loopy from drugs and you haven’t eaten anything substantial in over a day.

    You’ll be a wiser JD next time, I’m sure. I have faith!

    The Hawg!’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday — The Undertones

  31. 31 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Speaking as a Californian, I am shocked and dismayed that this food item has behaved so poorly. I intend to sue this “Californian” for libel (or is it slander?) for giving the rest of us a bad name and he has no business using our good one.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats)’s last blog post..He Sees You When You’re Sleeping, He Knows When You’re Awake

  32. 32 Natural

    what a beautiful and touching love story. i even had to wipe the corner of my eye as you professed your undying love for this hunk.

    i was cheering for your relationship, bite for bite and touch for touch. “I was hungry-you were there. How could it have gone so wrong?” What compatibility, well up until the 2nd “meating”.

    sorry JD it went sour so fast, i was really moved and tickled to death. LOLOLOL.

    Natural’s last blog post..The Day of the Fight

  33. 33 JD

    Stephanie Barr: I think it’s safe to assume—no matter WHO said it—that bacon + sandwich = true love 4-ever.

    Maureen: Sorry my doomed love affair made you hungry right before bedtime. Did you dream of The Californian?

    Puglette: Oh, man, I am STARVING now! I appreciate your no-nonsense attitude of moving on and making my own Californian. I’m inspired. I’ll do it! And I’ll definitely try your other sammich creation. That sounds awesome!

    Kathy: Foodstuffs is a foodie’s dream destination—as long as you don’t mind spending your entire paycheck. And, yes. A $4.00 PB&J. If it’s anything like The Californian, it will only break your heart.

    The Hawg!: I know in my heart that you’re right, but I just never could admit it. And the frustrating thing was, I could always taste the former glory in every subsequent sandwich. It was almost there . . .

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): I am heartened by your support. I certainly don’t mean to imply that I’m done with ALL Californians—just THAT one. And I think it’s libel.

    Natural: Oh, I’m so happy you were moved by my sandwich encounter. I believe you are a true foodie and therefore understand my pain.

  34. 34 Steve the Trade Show Guru

    hey JD,
    Your post title gave me a heart attack. I’m a Californian… have I been banned from your blog. Do you think I’m the mullet-haired hacker?

    Then I saw the sandwich picture. I’ve never heard of a “Californian sandwich”. Must only be available outside of the state of California. At $8.99 the price fits the name, much like housing here. Wow, that’s an expensive sandwich. Do you get anything with it, like at least a quick back rub?
    ~ Steve, aka the now hungery trade show guru

    PS. Your post, as always, is perfectly written and hillarious!

    Steve the Trade Show Guru’s last blog post..King Corn

  35. 35 Babs - beetle

    Oh, it’s ages since I had a sausage sandwich! I could eat one now :O)
    Get it right, it wasn’t a chip sandwich, it was a ‘Chip Butty’ and a ‘Sausage Sarny’. You have to talk the talk :O)

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..We have a winner!

  36. 36 Lidian

    Oh, JD. I thought the Californian was some guy, like the kind in Joni Mitchell songs. But alas, a sandwich.

    Joni could have written quite a song about this. She missed out!

    Fortunately, you wrote a really great post instead. I am just off to give you a smiley!

    Lidian’s last blog post..Lysolation Booth

  37. 37 JD

    Steve the Trade Show Guru: ALL Californians are welcome here! Except for “The Californian,” and he knows who he is. The first sandwich was definitely worth the price. Not something I’d eat for lunch every day (I’m not a millionaire, after all), but definitely good every now and then. But then it all went bad. And now I’m hungry too.

    Babs – beetle: Well, this was Ireland, so we didn’t have exactly the same lingo. We did say “Chip Sarny” but not “Butty.” Oh, I want one now. Soft white bread, lots of butter . . . mmmmm.

    Lidian: This would’ve made a good song! Hmmm. Maybe something to the tune of Led Zeppelin’s “Goin’ to California”? Thanks for the smilie!

  38. 38 brooke

    Well if it was time to part it was time to part.
    To eat californian or to not eat californian that is the question.
    I say dont eat it because you have given in and given in with no such sight of it giving back. Such a poor soul you are.

  39. 39 carol at A Second Cup

    The Californian sounds good. I will have to try this one for myself.

    carol at A Second Cup’s last blog post..Parenting In the Real World: Taming the Greedies Part 3

  40. 40 kouji

    and yet that list of ingredients sounds so good. :O perhaps the californian and i are destined to meet, and we will owe it all to you… :O

    kouji’s last blog post..portable pa speaker

  41. 41 cardiogirl

    I would have to seek out the Californian at another fine dining establishment, with the hopes of rekindling the love.

    Or, if desperate, I might consider making one at home. Surely you could buy a rotisserie chicken to re-create the magic, right?

    cardiogirl’s last blog post..The Cardiogirl Randomizer

  42. 42 Preston

    JD, shame on you! How can you abandon such a luscious sandwich? How can you refuse the buttery sweet yet acidic taste of the Havarti cheese paired with the creamy richness of avocado and the firm fleshiness of turkey breast? I can almost taste the heartiness of the 7 grain bread against the sweet pungent flavor of the dijon mustard.

    It was your fault, not the Californian’s! You accepted an imposter over and over again. It was you who cheated with a dried up, slimey pre-packaged look-a-like. You were deceived and oh too so easily. It’s like asking for a Malibu Barbie and getting a dollar store Doheny Beach Donna instead.

    Never fear Californian, MY mouth still waits you. (hmmm…maybe I should put that another way?)

    Preston’s last blog post..Common Courtesy – Are You A Good Blogger?

  43. 43 JD

    brooke: You’re very philosophical for one so young. And you’re right: What do I have in return? Nothing! Nothing but a bad taste in my mouth.

    carol at A Second Cup: Try it at your own risk!

    kouji: Perhaps that is so. I wish you better luck than I had with The Californian. Just be careful. He’s a heartbreaker.

    cardiogirl: Actually! Rotisserie chicken sounds really good. REALLY good. Hmmm. I’d have to rename it tho. “The Californian” is still too painful. Maybe “The Cardio-ian”? That’s a bit awkward.

    Preston: HA! Oh, Preston, no. I think you put it PERFECTLY. And I have to say: between your luscious description and your shaming my behavior, I am willing to give The Californian another try. Just one more! With my newfound wisdom and the insight you’ve given me into this whole situation, I know I can make it work. CALIFORNIAN! I’m COMING!

  44. 44 Tim

    @Preston:
    “dollar store Doheny Beach Donna” :)
    Where is Doheny Beach? Is it on the wrong side of the tracks in Malibu?

    Tim’s last blog post..Solar Powered Products For Beginners

  45. 45 Baron von Rochester

    I wandered over here from Stephanie Barr’s site, and have spent a pleasant time laughing my ass off. ZOMG.

    Baron von Rochester’s last blog post..In Which I Contemplate Necessary Brutalities

  46. 46 JD

    Tim: Yeah, I wondered about that, too, but I didn’t want to reveal my ignorance, so I pretended to understand the reference. Thanks for asking (so I didn’t have to).

    Baron von Rochester: Thank you for that “ZOMG”! I don’t think anyone has pointed that exclamation in my direction ever! Any friend of Stephanie’s is more than welcome, tho after taking a peep at your blog, I see that you are VERY welcome in your own right.

  47. 47 Mitch McDad

    Never has so much been written about a healthy yet now great sandwich. Nice work! :)

    Mitch McDad’s last blog post..Sound Bites

  48. 48 JD

    Mitch McDad: Thank you! I felt the least I could do for The Californian was give him a fitting send-off.


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