Wow! It’s been a rough couple of weeks here at I Do Things. I’ve been hurt, scarred, and now deformed. But don’t worry, my young friends. It’s not the bad kind of deformity (ie, Elephant Man-itis). It’s just my foot.
Next week I’ll be undergoing a dangerous procedure to remove that gross bump under my toe. See it up there? It’s a bunion. Gross!
I’ve had this damn bunion for almost 10 years, and until last night, I couldn’t tell you what a bunion is. I finally looked it up:
A bunion is a structural deformity of the bones and the joint between the foot and big toe, and may be painful.
I’ve had this procedure scheduled for several months, and until last night, I couldn’t tell you what it involved. A hack-saw? Futuristic laser tools? A melon-baller? I finally looked it up:
- removing the abnormal bony enlargement of the first metatarsal
- realigning the first metatarsal bone relative to the adjacent metatarsal bone
- straightening the great toe relative to the first metatarsal and adjacent toes
No mention of saws or lasers. Hmmm. Suspicious!
But wait! That’s not all. I also have a bone spur on that same toe. Inconvenient! Or is it? No. The bunionectomist will just saw off both at the same time.
The bone spur is apparently causing more problems than the bunion. When my bunionologist told me about it, I glared accusingly at my foot, looking for a huge outgrowth of bone poking its way up through my toe. But I couldn’t see it. I had to look at an X-ray magnified, like, 1,000 times, because this bone spur? Is the size of a fetus’s baby toenail. STUPID!
Bone spurs are smooth bumps that form over many years. They are most prevalent in older people and . . .
SHUT UP! I’m not an “older” person. But more upsetting news was to come:
A bone spur forms as the body tries to repair itself by building extra bone. It generally forms in response to pressure, rubbing, or stress that continues over a long period of time.
I’m bothered by the fact that my body is secretly and without my permission building extra bone. Who told you to do that? Stop it! You’re not helping, you’re only creating microscopic bone spurs that are messing up my life.
Well, I hope you’ve learned something today about bunions and bone spurs. I know I have. Please think of me next Wednesday, when I’m under the melon-baller.