I Am Being Poisoned

Such a good actress, hiding all her pain

Don’t look so shocked. Do you know how many people are poisoned every day? Based on my sources, I’m guessing a lot.

What proof do I have that I am being poisoned?

Simple: I have a stomachache.

HA! You think I’m overreacting, don’t you? Perhaps, but ask yourself this: why do I have a stomachache, hmmmmm? See? You can’t answer that. Therefore, it’s poison. How can I be so certain? Again, simple: I watch Mystery Diagnosis.

According to this fascinating show on the Discovery Health channel, every mysterious illness is attributable to poison. At least that was the case on the one episode I saw. Obviously, that episode made quite an impression on me.

What bothers me about these mysterious illnesses is, it’s so obvious that’s it’s poison, but the doctors are all, “Is it lupus? Perhaps it’s lupus.” IT’S NEVER LUPUS! Listen to the narrator! He’s practically giving it away!

Here’s the setup: The husband is dangerously ill with, among other symptoms, a stomachache (sound familiar, naysayers?). His floozy wife visits him in the hospital and brings him his favorite iced tea. Now I ask you: who has a “favorite” iced tea? That’s a red flag right there. SHE’S POISONING THE TEA!!! Listen to the narrator, stupid doctors!

They do finally listen, but it’s too late. Death by tea. POISONED tea.

You know what I drink all day? Yup: Tea. Iced tea, to be specific, and tho I make it myself, it sits in an unlocked refrigerator that anyone could access. I’m not pointing fingers; it’s far too early for that. I’m just saying. If I suddenly disappear, you know where to start looking.

BUT! as you may have heard, I’m getting a colonoscopy tomorrow, so hopefully we can get to the bottom (HAR!) of this whole poisoning business. And I think my doctor is smarter than those TV doctors and will listen when I scream at him:

Check the iced tea!

If You Think You’re Being Poisoned
  • Call 911
  • Go on Mystery Diagnosis. It’ll take an hour (including commercials), but I bet the narrator will figure it out.
  • E-mail me! What are your symptoms? I’m just curious . . .


Coming this weekend!

  • I Get a Colonoscopy so you don’t have to (now with exciting Mystery Diagnosis narrator!)

And, later this month!

  • I Go to Toronto so you don’t have to—where I will meet Junk Drawer Kathy and her sister Ann and niece Regan!!!
  • I Make an Ill-Advised Purchase so you don’t have to
  • I . . . something about Zombies so you don’t have to

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41 Responses to “I Am Being Poisoned”

  1. 1 Babs - beetle

    Oh my! Is this the last time I will visit your blog then? Shall I bring flowers by tomorrow?

    I don’t watch these programmes. I’d rather stay ignorant, than spend my time worrying about what I might have that will kill me off! It’s a case of too much information can harm you :O)

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Look what I got!

  2. 2 Daisy the Curly Cat

    I hope the colonoscopy doctor can find the poison before it is too late! Maybe you can take some Pepto Bismal. That is supposed to cure all the things that can ail your tummy. Or try eating some charcoal. Before you take my advice, remember that I am not a real medical doctor. But I do practice a lot on my Milton-Bradley Operation lab.

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..My New Responsibilities

  3. 3 Angi

    Whatever happens, I do NOT want to log on tomorrow or the next day and see a blog entitled, “I Died So You Don’t Have To”.

    First, that would be sad. Second, that would creepy. Blogging from the Afterlife…

    And whatever you do, don’t start browsing Web MD. You’ll miraculously develop symptoms you never thought you had.

    Angi’s last blog post..1987, Part II

  4. 4 Lori

    Ack! You’ve exposed me! My husband is hopelessly addicted to tea and not just any tea – my sweet tea!!

  5. 5 Jenny

    LOLOLOLOLOLOL what Angi said!

    You know, Terro ant poison is SWEET as in SWEET TEA.

    Not sure how I know that … certainly not because I add Terro ant poison to anything … and I have no narrator … oh well. Must’ve read it somewhere.

    At any rate it was nice knowing you, JD. I shall vigorously eulogize (that’s different from euthanize) you when the time comes. So no one else has to.

    Jenny’s last blog post..Six Fours (And More) … Part Two

  6. 6 Jeff

    I’m pretty sure I have a 6′ tapeworm because I watched an infomercial about some colon-cleansing product and the guy convinced me of it. According to him, LOTS of people have tapeworms and don’t even know it.

    Hmmm, weren’t you also going to meet up with Tim in Toronto?

    Jeff’s last blog post..When I was a kid…

  7. 7 Regan

    But I night not be able to go to Toronto, because my mom might not be able to take off from work!

    I am definatly qualified to go to Canada, though.

    I hope you aren’t poisoned! =) Feel better soon.

  8. 8 Canucklehead

    I too drink tea all day – it’s even iced … LONG ISLAND ICED TEA! Wait, I meant beer … loads of beer – close enough. Hope you have a GREAT time in Toronto – wish I could drive up but no can do. Having lived there for years I’d be happy to steer you guys to some fun places if you want … CHEERS!

    /guzzles tea

  9. 9 JD

    Babs – beetle: Yes, you can probably tell I’m just a bit suggestible. I reget watching that Mystery Diagnosis show—I might just be blaming this stomachache on junk food!

    (I like daisies.)

    Daisy the Curly Cat: I think I might trust you and your Operation “lab” more than some doctors. In the meantime, I will trust your wisdom and take some Pepto Bismal. Luckily, I have the tablets, so I don’t have to drink that awful pink stuff.

    Angi: You know, someone did do that. It was sad . . . and creepy. But also very touching. I think when I go, I’ll just go. The end.

    Yeah: Web MD is NOT the place to go digging around.

    Lori: A HA! So there is something to this whole “favorite tea” business. Well, we know who to blame if anything unusual happens to your husband!

    Jenny: Thank you in advance for the eulogy. I know it will be beautiful. Your knowledge of ant poison makes me a little nervous. Watch out, Lori’s husband!

    Jeff: Gah. Tapeworms. If I have one, I most certainly don’t want to know about it. Let it eat whatever it wants, fine with me.

    Thanks for reminding me about Tim! Yeah, you know, Tim is everywhere! I’m going to meet him at Niagara Falls, too!

    Regan: I read your comment on the Junk Drawer, and you are most certainly qualified to go to Canada. I do hope you get to go. We must meet! And thank you for your good wishes. I’m guessing I’m probably not poisoned, but we’ll just see, won’t we?

    Canucklehead: Aw, shucks. I’m sorry we won’t get to see you. We’ll drink a Long Island Iced Tea . . . or beer . . . in your honor, tho. Hopefully it won’t be poisoned.

  10. 10 Chat Blanc

    oh, I’m fascinated by mystery diagnosis! but those doctors are sooooo sloooooow in figuring it out. what do they get paid for exactly?

    Chat Blanc’s last blog post..Normal people need not apply

  11. 11 Ethan Nobles

    Once again, JD proves why she’s becoming one of my favorite bloggers. Funny stuff.

    Good luck with your colonoscopy. It seems to me you might have a stomach ache because of all the “system clearing” stuff that goes on the day before one of those things. Buy, hey, if you suspect poison, who am I to argue?

    Ethan Nobles’s last blog post..Superheroes that didn’t make it

  12. 12 April

    As amusing as this post was what got me was Angi’s comment, “I died so you don’t have to” had me laughing so hard. I think my boss fig’d out I’m not actually paying bills. O.o

  13. 13 Sassy Mama Bear

    My my one does so hope you have not been poisoned but it has been fun getting to know you. I had a colonoscopy, will you go have an MRI on your shoulder tomorrow so I don’t have to, and then maybe the surgery??? Didn’t think so, but does it hurt to try?

    Ah well, I do so hope you will be back because I ever so curious to see what you will do with the zombies so we don’t have to, so not a fan of the walking dead morons.

    Sassy Mama Bear’s last blog post..Current giveaways at Mama Bear Reads:

  14. 14 Regan

    I’m going to Toronto!!!! My mom trold me so, because she can take those days off from work! *bounces around happily*

  15. 15 Angi

    Who did that???

    April :: Haha, I do that a lot at work…stifling laughter is definitely an art form. ;)

  16. 16 Alice

    Why am I not watching “Mystery Diagnosis”?

    There’s nothing like TV shows on strange diseases and ghosts to prevent sleep for at least 2 weeks.

    Good luck (is that what you say?) on your colonscopy!

    Alice’s last blog post..V.Ice: Olympic Quadrathlete

  17. 17 ann of the shampoo bag

    Good luck with the colonoscopy. The worst part, of course, is the prep. The best part is the happy juice that flows through the IV!

  18. 18 dcr

    A couple years ago, the place I work was robbed. Left on a counter was a bottle or two of water. We assume they must have gotten thirsty and taken water out of the fridge, but then hurriedly left and didn’t take the water with them. Or open it.

    Ever since then, I won’t drink an open bottle of water that’s been left overnight. You just never know.

    And, I usually drink ice tea too. I have those cold brew bags that fit nicely in a cold bottle of water. But, I won’t drink them if they’ve been left over night.

    We have an alarm system, so maybe it doesn’t make much sense now to not drink the water, but why take chances?

    dcr’s last blog post..One Link is Enough

  19. 19 Tiggy

    I bet it’s all that eyeless multi-mouthed monster causing your tummyache (oh lovely, I’ve reminded myself of those photos again).

    Good luck with your bum thing tomorrow, don’t forget to post the video on YouTube!

    Take care!

    Tiggy’s last blog post..Illegal Downloading is Naughty. Can You Live Without It?

  20. 20 JD

    Chat Blanc: I know! I hope the narrator makes more money than the doctors, because he’s clearly figured it out by the half-hour mark.

    Ethan Nobles: Aw, you’re too kind and truthful. Thank you very much. And . . . you may be onto something with your “system clearing” stuff assessment, but until proven otherwise, I will insist that I have been poisoned.

    April: I’m still laughing. It’s so wrong, yet so funny. If I had a REAL sense of humor, I would post that this weekend. Maybe that would finally get me on the front page of Digg.

    Sassy Mama Bear: It’s been fun for me too. I hope it doesn’t all end tomorrow. And if it doesn’t, I may give your MRI a whirl. But not the surgery. I have to draw the line somewhere.


    Regan: YAY! I’m bouncing too!!!

    Angi: Y’all are cracking me up!

    Alice: “Good luck” is perfectly appropriate! And thank you. I won’t be watching any Mystery Diagnosis tonight, that’s for sure.

    ann of the shampoo bag: Thank you! Yes, I’m just starting the worst part right now. Oh, man. Happy juice! I can’t wait. Love that stuff!

    dcr: You are being perfectly sensible. You know whoever robbed you was also probably trying to poison you, just out of spite.

    Tiggy: Oh, no. I had forgotten all about those guys. Well, maybe the colonoscopist (?) can pull them out while he’s down there.

  21. 21 Angi

    Oooh, new blog idea for you, perhaps? “I stifle my laughter at work so you don’t have to?” Of course, that could get a lot of readers in trouble, thinking they don’t have to because you did….nevermind.


  22. 22 Venus Angell

    You can’t die yet because first I need to present you with the Arte y Pico award. Come visit me at “For a Pessimist, I’m Pretty Optimistic” to find out the details! Congrats!

    Venus Angell’s last blog post..Mine! (The Arte y Pico Award)

  23. 23 Kelly

    i LOVE Mystery Diagnosis! i figured out i had an intense cold just by watching. UNREAL!

    Kelly’s last blog post..Thank You God, Thank You Airborne

  24. 24 Meg

    A colonoscopy–isn’t there a yummy drink involved with that? Watch out.

    And you really should put space between all those intimate body part appointments. This one is too close to the mammogram.

    Meg’s last blog post..In Which I Lose The Battle

  25. 25 Scratch Bags

    I am wondering whether I came at the right time or the wrong time. Ooops! Flowers? Tea? Cake? Whatever you want!

    Scratch Bags’s last blog post..Kick My Ass!

  26. 26 Jay

    I ALWAYS think I’ve been poisoned, ever since the great Supermarket Terrorist Spikes Bottles of Lemonade with Weedkiller thing – no, before that, there was the Lunatic Spikes Oranges with Mercury thing. Anyway there are a lot of weirdos out there, so I aways think of poisoning first. Yep, you’ve been poisoned.

    Unless … you haven’t been eating pineapple, have you?

    Jay’s last blog post..Just walking the dog

  27. 27 Vixen

    I have watched that mystery diagnosis show three times…and it is always poison. You better lock your fridge. And have everyone involved in the colonoscopy undergo a background check.

    Vixen’s last blog post..PIA/SOB/WTH

  28. 28 WillThink4Wine

    Oh, I do hope I’m not too late! My cats have discovered the cure for poisoning! Go out into your yard and eat some grass. Then come into the house where you have just vacuumed, shampooed and re-vacuumed the carpet so it’s all nice and clean and fluffy again. Then you simply find a spot and YAK it all up. I’m not sure but I think waiting to yak until everybody goes to bed and choosing a spot where someone is sure to step in old cold yak the next morning seems to add to the success rate. Hope this helps!

    WillThink4Wine’s last blog post..Sky Watch Friday: Racing the Storm Home

  29. 29 Natural

    oh i have to go get some tea. i wonder if i can access your blog from jail?

    i always think i have what someone else died from..do you have that symptom. yes. and this one. yes. oh shoot i’m dying. it’s like yawing, contagious.

    i love your coming soon feature. nice add.

    Natural’s last blog post..Are You Feeling Guilty Over Something?

  30. 30 JD

    Angi: Yeah, I don’t want millions of people fired because they were laughing their heads off. Plus, too much stifling can be harmful to the brain. Good idea, tho!

    Venus Angell: You have given me a reason to live! Thank you so much!

    Kelly: That is unreal! An intense cold, eh? Y’know, I’ve been sniffling a lot lately . . . I’ll bet you anything . . .

    Meg: Yummy drink? YESSSS! Oh, boy. Actually two yummy drinks, and don’t worry, you’ll get to hear all about them. Gross me out. I hadn’t thought of the danger of scheduling a mammogram too close to a colonoscopy, but you’re right! Good thing I don’t have a Pap smear coming right up!

    Scratch Bags: Aw, you’re so sweet. Yesterday I would’ve asked for flowers, but today I’ll take all the cake you’ve got. ALL OF IT!

    Jay: No! No pineapple! Wow, that’s scary. You always think you’ll be poisoned by someone you know, and then something like the Weedkiller thing happens. Wackos! Just when I thought I was safe. . .

    Vixen: Shoot. I didn’t even think of making my colonoscopy team go thru a background check. Who knows what they did down there? I do feel a little funny now . . .

    WillThink4Wine: I never realized it, but my cats made that exact same discovery! There is nothing more unappetizing than old cold yak, is there? (this was very funny, by the way).

    Natural: Yep, I’m pretty suggestible too. And in reality, I’m quite healthy. Maybe I find that boring or something.

    Thank you!

  31. 31 Tim

    I think someone must have poisoned the beer last night. I have a terrible headache today!

    Tim’s last blog post..Beer Gift Baskets – Great Gifts For Any Occasion!

  32. 32 ScratchBags

    I have got something for you on my blog.:)

    ScratchBags’s last blog post..Be Coz I Can Spel

  33. 33 Tim

    Funny thing happened after I read this post. My younger son was making a sandwich, and then later on I came along and made one also with lettuce and block cheese which I sliced. I was partways into the sandwich when I experienced a horrendous burning in my mouth. I had been poisoned! Eric never cleaned the knife between cutting jalapeno peppers and slicing cheese, and the block of cheese was contaminated with massive amounts of heat.
    But for a minute there, as I remembered your post, I was sure I had actually run across some industrial chemicals mixed into the cheese and I was about to start foaming and chucking……

    Tim’s last blog post..Beer Gift Baskets – Great Gifts For Any Occasion!

  34. 34 JD

    Tim: In a case like this, poison is the ONLY answer. Run, don’t walk, to your hospital emergency room. Don’t even bother telling them about the beer. Just yell, “POISON!!!”

    ScratchBags: Thank you! I need to create a lounge for my awards, too!

    Tim: Oh, that is funny. I hope I haven’t made everyone as paranoid as me about being poisoned. It doesn’t hurt to be vigilant, tho.

  35. 35 brooke regans friend

    are you going to tell use about it in a post…
    and a video

  36. 36 frogpondsrock

    I knew there was a reason why I didn’t like iced tea..mmmm

    frogpondsrock’s last blog post..Not so mysterious after all….

  37. 37 JD

    brooke regans friend: Yes! The post is up. For some reason, my doctor wouldn’t let me take a video. Spoilsport.

    frogpondsrock: You sound very wise. Drink only water that comes from a bottle that has never been opened. Better still, drink nothing.

  38. 38 The Narrator

    You are a moron. Stop watching tv and go hit the books.

  39. 39 JD

    The Narrator: Hey, everyone! It’s The Narrator! Thanks for the advice, but I will never stop watching TV. And books are even worse! Have you ever read The Hypochondriac’s Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have? It’s chock-full of horrifying illnesses that suggestible morons like me will have nightmares about for weeks. I think I’m better off with TV. At least there’s a soothing narrator who clues me in to what’s going on every 2 minutes.

  40. 40 J ME

    You sound like a very smart person, and watch what I watch. Do you also watch Dr G Medical MD?

  41. 41 JD

    J ME: No, I don’t! I might start, tho, if you recommend it. I do love CSI. . .


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