Don’t look so shocked. Do you know how many people are poisoned every day? Based on my sources, I’m guessing a lot.
What proof do I have that I am being poisoned?
Simple: I have a stomachache.
HA! You think I’m overreacting, don’t you? Perhaps, but ask yourself this: why do I have a stomachache, hmmmmm? See? You can’t answer that. Therefore, it’s poison. How can I be so certain? Again, simple: I watch Mystery Diagnosis.
According to this fascinating show on the Discovery Health channel, every mysterious illness is attributable to poison. At least that was the case on the one episode I saw. Obviously, that episode made quite an impression on me.
What bothers me about these mysterious illnesses is, it’s so obvious that’s it’s poison, but the doctors are all, “Is it lupus? Perhaps it’s lupus.” IT’S NEVER LUPUS! Listen to the narrator! He’s practically giving it away!
Here’s the setup: The husband is dangerously ill with, among other symptoms, a stomachache (sound familiar, naysayers?). His floozy wife visits him in the hospital and brings him his favorite iced tea. Now I ask you: who has a “favorite” iced tea? That’s a red flag right there. SHE’S POISONING THE TEA!!! Listen to the narrator, stupid doctors!
They do finally listen, but it’s too late. Death by tea. POISONED tea.
You know what I drink all day? Yup: Tea. Iced tea, to be specific, and tho I make it myself, it sits in an unlocked refrigerator that anyone could access. I’m not pointing fingers; it’s far too early for that. I’m just saying. If I suddenly disappear, you know where to start looking.
BUT! as you may have heard, I’m getting a colonoscopy tomorrow, so hopefully we can get to the bottom (HAR!) of this whole poisoning business. And I think my doctor is smarter than those TV doctors and will listen when I scream at him:
Check the iced tea!
If You Think You’re Being Poisoned
- Call 911
- Go on Mystery Diagnosis. It’ll take an hour (including commercials), but I bet the narrator will figure it out.
- E-mail me! What are your symptoms? I’m just curious . . .
Coming this weekend!
- I Get a Colonoscopy so you don’t have to (now with exciting Mystery Diagnosis narrator!)
And, later this month!
- I Go to Toronto so you don’t have to—where I will meet Junk Drawer Kathy and her sister Ann and niece Regan!!!
- I Make an Ill-Advised Purchase so you don’t have to
- I . . . something about Zombies so you don’t have to