Take me back to the place that I know
On the beach

au-naturel-sign.jpg

“This time next week, it’s a pretty good bet I won’t be wearing pants.”

The context in which this quote was uttered by Dave is irrelevant. All you need to know is that he’s referring to our vacation to Jamaica and the—

Oh, wait. I totally have to share the context. We were just settling down in our favorite back-row seats at the theater to watch No Time for Grumpy Old Men, or whatever it’s called. Dave wondered if anyone would notice if he took off his shoes. Because I’m eight, I wondered if anyone would notice if I took off my pants. This quite naturally led to Dave’s pants-removal prediction.

What the hell is all this leading up to? Quite simply, by the time you read this post, I won’t be wearing any pants. I won’t be wearing ANYthing, because the resort we’re staying at has a “nudist” side and a “prudist” side. And let me tell you: We ain’t no stinkin’ prudists. The main part of the resort is clothing-mandatory, as is the prudist side. But on our side, it’s all nude, baby: nude beach, nude pool, nude walkways, nude hotel rooms and stairways, nude balconies and patios, nude poolside lunch, and nude water aerobics.

Nude! It’s not just for bath time anymore!

I have to stress: we’re not nudists. We just like hanging out nude sometimes . . . in public . . . with other nude people. What distinguishes us from nudists is that this is not a lifestyle. It’s a vacation. We don’t play nude volleyball or hang out at trailer camps with nude families. Swimming nude is fun. Eating barbecue nude is not.

We went to this resort last year, and it was a lot of fun. But I do plan to do a few things differently this year:

  • I plan to drink! Last year, I didn’t drink, partly because I’m just not much of a drinker, but also because I was loaded up with Vicodin for a sore tooth.
  • I won’t have a sore tooth this year, so I will not be taking Vicodin . . . for tooth pain. I’m still bringing Vicodin, because what if I stub my toe—or worse? Nudism can be dangerous.
  • I am testing out my new flip-flops before I go. Last time, my brand-new flip-flops wore a bloody groove between my big toe and second toe, and since all I’d brought were flip flops, I was forced to hobble around wearing only socks. Yes, nude and wearing socks. It’s not as sexy as it sounds.
  • I plan to wear clothes! I know, we’re staying on the nudist side of the resort, but last year I did feel a smidge self-conscious walking around naked everywhere. They don’t force you to be nude, and if you don’t already know this: Nothing feels better than pulling on a pair of underpants after a long, hard day of nudism.
  • I am taking the Nude Yoga class. And I’m making Dave go with me. Have you ever tried this pose in the nude? No? Me neither.
  • One thing I definitely plan to repeat is the nude beach massage. Get this: you’re nude (tho covered with a towel) on a beach getting a massage. Palm trees overhead, the sound of surf nearby, perhaps a dacquiri within arm’s reach . . . if someone could feed me chocolate donuts through the face-hole thing, I could lie there forever. I wouldn’t need anything else. Oh, except a catheter.

Have a great week everyone!

If you want to do nude from the comfort of your home:



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14 Comments


14 Responses to “I Am At This Moment Lying on a Nude Beach”

  1. 1 cardiogirl

    You crack me up, JD. I love the visual of your socks because of the nasty flip flops. That’s why I don’t wear those things, I cannot, nay I will not, subject my inner toes to the grousing of that nasty item betwixt the big toe and second toe.

    No to the flip flops.

    Now a nice slide, that allows all five toes to feel the air, but not be separated, one from the other, I’m down with that.

    Enjoy your trip!

    cardiogirl’s last blog post..More fun facts about Cardiogirl, seven in all

  2. 2 Corrina

    WOW. You are one brave lady! A nude beach is one thing… But nude YOGA? That’s just down right dangerous. Rock on sister!

    Corrina’s last blog post..Text Message Rant

  3. 3 Natural Woman

    Well I’m glad to have you around to do this thing for me so I don’t have to. I might clear a new beach if I come out there naked. Volleyball just seems like it might hurt a little with uh, no support. Have Fun and a drink for me.

    Natural Woman’s last blog post..The Results Are In!

  4. 4 Kathy

    “Eating barbecue nude is not.” I don’t expect so. Of course, I could do nothing nude in public. That’s the stuff of nightmares (mine and those who would be subjected to such a sight). You are, hands down, the bravest woman I know. I really can’t wrap my head around the idea that you are happily nude right now. In public. With people. Naked. Out there. Happy. You rock indeed!

    Kathy’s last blog post..I’m Such a Problem Child

  5. 5 Elle

    I am also glad you have done this public service just for me. Do they have any Everyone Else Must Be Blind While Elle Is Nude Beaches? For I fear this is the only way I could do nude. And even with that kind of enthusiasm, I further fear I’d neglect sunscreen on a delicate portion of jellyfish-white (we refer to it as very fair) skin and be forced into the bathtub with white vinegar after the nude sun frolic was complete.

    Nude sounds like a better idea for other braver, in-shaper people. Have a great time and put a little extra sunscreen on for me!

    Elle’s last blog post..About Shoes and Boxes

  6. 6 JD

    Cardiogirl: Your thoughts on flip-flops are indeed insightful. This year’s flip-flops were much kinder to my toes, tho I did also bring a pair of slides. No blood!

    Corrina: I have to admit: no nude yoga this trip. I keep forgetting: I HATE yoga! If only they’d offered nude Zumba…

    Natural Woman: You’d be surprised at the variety of sizes and shapes that grace the nude beach. I do believe every possible variation of human being was represented.

    Kathy: I may have caused a few nightmares, but I was pretty happy. And Dave did actually convince me to do the nude lunch a couple times. No nude barbecue, but I did indulge in nude taco salad and nude cheesecake. Delicious!

    Elle: It’s pretty easy to forget the sunscreen on certain…parts. I had two prominent red spots–front and back–but so did a lot of other people.

    JD’s last blog post..I Reward Good Vocabulary so you don’t have to

  7. 7 Chris and Ted

    Braco is a pretty cool place to go nude J.D.
    Believe me if it smells like a duck , looks like a duck. Quacks like a duck…, Chances are … its a duck…. Your’re a Nudist. See You a Hedo 2 in a couple of years!

  8. 8 JD

    Chris and Ted: Hello and welcome! Yeah, we love Braco. The people there are super nice. Hedo 2? I don’t know. Yeah, maybe in a couple years, who’s to say? 5 years ago I never thought I’d be hanging out at nude beaches! Thanks for stopping by (I hope I don’t smell like a duck!)

  9. 9 RunninBare

    JD! JD! The interviewer states….The people of IDT,SYDHT are DYIN too know just
    “What color were these socks?”…..
    “Where they crew?”
    “Little Bobby socks?”
    “Would you have taken them off for the massage?”
    LOL LOL
    Regarding the “red spots–front and back–”
    “Did you go to the Dr.?”
    “Did they have strips from the Lounge chair?”
    “Did they show the towel’s wrinkled prints?”
    “Did Sky Dog get any ?”
    “Where they connected ?”
    “Did yours match those of other people?”
    Again….The peeps of IDT,SYDHT are Dyin too know
    ps Did they move?

  10. 10 JD

    RunninBare: I have the answers!

    The socks were white, athletic socks, but not crew. They were made for walking, tho not necessarily in the nude. I definitely removed them for the massage, even tho the massage therapist had to deal with my cut-up, gross feet.

    The red spots were right where you think they were. No doctor necessary. Luckily the lounge chair didn’t leave stripes on my skin. Sky Dog had some red spots of his own, but he was much more careful with the sunscreen. We played connect-the-dots, but just between ourselves. THEY DID NOT MOVE!

    Thanks for all the questions? Next?

  11. 11 Debo Hobo

    Great fun! I unfortunately would more than likely end up spending all my time on the ‘prudist’ side of the resort. But this really sounds like loads of fun.

    Debo Hobo’s last blog post..When Traveling Abroad, Use Distance Conversion to Calculate How Far You Need to Go

  12. 12 JD

    Debo Hobo: Well, the prudist side looked like it was fun, too. And there were a few curious prudists who tip-toed over to have a look. I daresay a few of them stuck around and lived the nudist lifestyle for a bit.

  13. 13 Toronto Erotic Massage

    I just stumbled upon your blog and read this post… I must say you’re hilarious! I’m not a nudist myself either but being naked = being free :)

  1. 1 bloggingzoom.com

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