Oh, relax, y’all. I’m still alive. Bikram yoga hasn’t killed me yet, tho it is seriously cramping my style.
From the Bikram Web site:
You might find yourself feeling extremely energetic and experience difficulty sleeping. Don’t worry—you don’t have insomnia. You just have more time to do the things you enjoy.
OK yeah but see at night what I enjoy is sleeping. I don’t care to stay up late. Or get up early. There are plenty of hours in a day for me to do all the things I need to do. After my first yoga class I said cheerfully to myself, “I may have broken my torso, but I’ll sleep good tonight!” So imagine my distress when, at 2:25, I was wide awake, filled with useless, stupid energy.
Because it’s 2:25. THE WITCHING HOUR! Look, I don’t really know when or even what The Witching Hour is, but when I was a kid (and, apparently, still), the scary hours of nighttime were between midnight and four AM. Right? I always felt like if I woke up after 4, yes, it was still dark, but nothing bad would happen. Too close to daylight. But 2:25? That’s killin’ time.
I blame my chiropractor for my increased night terrors. At every appointment we talk excitedly of our favorite horror movies, describing the scariest scenes, goriest murders, and most unnerving and disturbing moments. Last week he told me about an especially creepy Tales of the Crypt episode.
“Can I stay here today?” I asked in a quavering voice. The thought of returning to my empty house, probably now filled with paranormal entities and homicidal Santa Clauses, was unappealing to say the least.
Also not helping matters, I think we have a Blair Witch fan. The fan sits atop a wicker hamper, and every so often, I hear a crackling noise coming from its vicinity. The fan is obviously moving around on the hamper. No way am I going over there to check out the noise, but I have actually been brave enough to sit up in bed and look at it. Nothing. Then, when I lie back down and try to calm my breathing . . . “crackle crackle crackle.”
So I lie there, energized and terrified. It’s not a good combination. I could get up and watch TV, but what if that Tales of the Crypt episode is on EVERY CHANNEL? It could happen.
I finally felt my body start to relax around 4:05 AM. You know how as you’re falling into a light sleep, you get these bizarre thoughts that pop into your head? Thoughts that can sound like voices? Voices that are so real? And scary?
As I slipped into a troubled doze, a thought-voice whispered in my ear:
If you look over the fence, you can see they’re only cooking boys.
Yeah. I think I’ll just get up. I have things to do.