I AM 50

Long stem roses are the key to your heart
But he needs to start with your head

That’s right, SUCKAHS!

50 years of awesomeness, wrapped up in one gorgeous package. You can look all you want, but no you may not touch. 50-year-old JD is fragile, y’all.

50-year-old JD is also somewhat bewildered as to how all these years piled up. Because you KNOW I don’t look 50. I don’t act 50. I don’t think I smell 50. And yet, somehow, I am 50. I have to tell you: it’s kind of cool.

Because YES! I am now a proud member of AARP. I didn’t ask for it, but the card came in the mail like a stinking, rotten fish slapped against my wrinkle-free face. Damn, AARP. How did you know?

Although today, the 27th, is the official day, the festivities began on Friday, when I treated myself to an all-afternoon marathon of Hoarders and dined on sushi (in between trips to the bathroom to throw up, because of that one hoarder lady who had rotten pumpkins all over her house. Bleeeuuurrrggh!)

Saturday evening Dave and I went out with my family to Dave’s Italian Kitchen, where I gorged myself on I don’t even know what but it had a lot of garlic. And today, I will be sharing that garlic with my fellow Bikram yoga friends via my sweat fumes. YOU’RE WELCOME!

Oh, but Saturday morning. THAT was the zenith of birthday stupendousness.

Dave and I were eating breakfast in front of The Partridge Family when suddenly the room was thrown into shadow. There was a huge truck outside! And it was stopped in front of our house!

Dave cackled and ran to the front door. It dawned on me that this truck had something to do with the glory of my birth. OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST PULL ONE OVER ON JD! But he did, Blanche, he did! Somehow, without my finding out, Dave had bought a 40-inch flat screen HD TV. ALL FOR ME!

And for him.

It was like Christmas! Actually, it was way better than Christmas because there were no presents at Christmas, much less a poor delivery guy staggering up our front walk with a giant TV. I squealed! Dave looked smug. Prudence fainted. Gus flicked a whisker. Our neighbor who always borrows our lawnmower stood on the sidewalk and glowered.

Now, some of you may not think getting a TV for your birthday is very romantic, but we’re talking ME here. I don’t need diamond-encrusted truffles or chocolate-dipped roses or gold-covered lingerie (altho I do hope someday to receive a jeweled tiara). No, if someone is going to shell out cash, it had better be on something that will enhance every detail of hoarders’ rotten pumpkins.

Speaking of decay, we pulled out the TV stand to find a variety of toy mice in various states of patheticness.

Hey, I was playing with those!

I cleaned out the DVDs under the stand, so everything would look nice and neat. First to go? Naked yoga.

Amazingly, we got everything set up and working pretty quickly. And thank Zod, because when I cleaned out my DVDs, I found a few I’d forgotten about.


Well, I sure hope you liked this post. It will probably be the last one I ever write. That is, until we get a Blu-Ray DVR that allows me to go online via my fabulous TV.

Until then . . .

Dave, you done good.



AARP came from here

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48 Responses to “I AM 50”

  1. 1 Rachele

    Happy Birthday! Sounds like you are doing it up right. A new TV is a fabulous gift. Enjoy it.
    Rachele´s last blog post ..2008 Brancott South Island Pinot Noir

  2. 2 Flit

    Oh no! Take it back, Dave…. she doesn’t write enough as it is already!

    Dang… oh well… happy birthday anyway …. although you really should have got to this one a bit sooner so that I would not had to have turned 50 already myself. Although it’s not like I really care about it all that much.

    I care a whole lot more about being too dang stupid to write essays right now than I do about being old.
    Flit´s last blog post ..Required Viewing

  3. 3 Jaffer

    Happy Birthday JD !

    You have finally reached the atomic number of ‘Tin’

    In ancient Rome you’d be ‘L’ years old

    Now please (figure out how to) connect your blog to your TV so that we can watch TV with you ;-)

  4. 4 Ron




    ” I don’t think I smell 50. ”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA! OMG, HYSTERICAL! Listen, from someone who is now 55, I can tell you that it just keeps getting better!

    Congrats on the new TV!

    Peace, love, and Bobby Sherman!

    Ron´s last blog post ..Sharing Some Good Vibes

  5. 5 Surfie

    Holy crap. I can’t believe you’re 50! You give new meaning to the phrase “aging gracefully”. I’d have pegged you at closer to 35. Dang. That TV sounds fantastic! And a flat screen? *sigh* I’m still stuck with a CRT. Which is obviously not allowing me to watch HD either. I’m jealous on so many levels. Have a happy freaking birthday! May it last all week long. :)
    Surfie´s last blog post ..If at First You Dont Succeed

  6. 6 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Happy birthday to you! A giant TV is a most excellent present. And it is awesome that you found all those TV mice underneath. Any birthday with Red Velvet cake is a good one.

    ps: My Mommeh is only one year behind you. Once you join AARP, does it mean you get to retire? I hope so.
    Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog post ..Queen for a Day!

  7. 7 Grace

    Happy Birthday! And definitely get that blu-ray dvd – tho I must tell you typing with a remote can be a bit tedious…Enjoy, enjoy!
    Grace´s last blog post ..Does anyone understand the physics of this

  8. 8 Jeff

    Happy Birthday Julia! I’m right there with you with the only difference being that I *DO* know I smell 50… but I’ll spare you the evidence – as a gift.

    Hope you have a fantabulous day!

  9. 9 Linda

    Great birthday present, JD. You’re gonna love it. We treated ourselves to one for Christmas, and it’s great.

  10. 10 muskrat

    Happy birthday to you! So glad you’re doing this instead of me. I’m scared enough of 40.
    muskrat´s last blog post ..how NOT to respond to the prospect of foreign objects in your ass

  11. 11 Lauren

    Happy Birthday! Congratulations on passing a ____stone. A flat screen TV is an awesome gift. We geriatric’s say “awesome.” I’m 54. Age is only a state of mind, as is memory. I got my AARP in the mail on the day I turned 50, too. I shredded it. God must have blue hair.

    I’ve got one white eyebrow hair, the only one I don’t pluck.

    Got to go. Time for my daily dose of Metamucil and GINKGO BILOBA if I don’t forget.
    Lauren´s last blog post ..Shameless Self Promotion- Guest Post on Blogging at Blazing Minds

  12. 12 absepa

    Happy birthday, JD!!! You ARE fabulous! I would say that I hope to be in the kind of shape you’re in when I’m 50…but I’m not in that kind of shape now, at 40.

    I think a big honking flat screen tv is a most excellent birthday present. And kudos to Dave for the surprise factor! Nothing like the fanfare of a surprise gift that arrives in a delivery truck.
    absepa´s last blog post ..I think the Fat Fairy and Mr Snarkypants are in cahoots

  13. 13 Thomas

    First of all: Happy Birthday!

    Secondly: Dave’s Italian Kitchen! I don’t think I knew where you lived until I read that part of your post! I used to go there all the time in college! Good times. Good times.

    Best wishes for many, many happy returns of the day!
    Thomas´s last blog post ..online live-blog oscar party

  14. 14 Babs

    Wow JD. Dave did do well eh? I’m so glad you had a great birthday.

    You don’t think you smell 50. What did you think 50 would smell like? Second thoughts, don’t answer that :)
    Babs´s last blog post ..Why are the British so reserved

  15. 15 Stephanie Barr

    Happy birthday!

    You don’t look as old as I do and I’m not quite 50 yet, so good for you.

    I won’t send you any videos to play on your beautiful new TV. Don’t want to have you barfing again.
    Stephanie Barr´s last blog post ..MangaMania- Shinobi Life

  16. 16 Anne

    Happy birthday! You definitely don’t look 50. I can’t comment on smelling 50 since I don’t know what 50 smells like (and I don’t know what you smell like either). Glad you are enjoying your gift. Happy viewing.
    Anne´s last blog post ..Yum- Yum… Chocolate

  17. 17 meleah rebeccah

    Happy, Happy, HAPPIEST 50th Birthday, JD!
    You are totally-super-awesomeness.
    And I love ya for it!

  18. 18 Lola's Diner

    Happy Birthday!

    They don’t really just send you a AARP card when you turn 50 do they? I mean, don’t you have to pay a membership fee or something? Are you sure someone didn’t sign you up? I’m turning 50 this year…GADS! I better find a gf/partner quick, cuz once my age rolls over to 50 on the dating sites I’m done for.

    So what size? What size? I helped my bff pick out her tv. She got a 66″. Man is that awesome for Sunday football parties!

    Have you checked out “Redneck Weddings”? Tom Arnold hosts. I watched like a bajillion episodes Friday night at a friend’s house. It’s addictive and the wedding planning is hilarious. I could do without Tom Arnold, but it was kind of expected that someone like him would host.
    Lola’s Diner´s last blog post ..Review – Eden Fantasys – Spring Clearance

  19. 19 puglette

    happy birthday!!! i hope you had a wonderful day. isn’t a big ass tv a wonderful thing? i love ours, and i really, really love HD!! dave gets an A plus on gift giving, what a wonderful surprise!

    and….re-animator! omg! what a classic. that made me laugh so much!
    happy birthday, my friend!

  20. 20 Kathy

    You are a package of awesome! And I loved this post too. I don’t know why imagining Prudence fainting made me laugh so hard. A TV surprise? I would have fainted too. WTG, Dave!

    I also love the idea that you would have the guts to go to Bikram yoga full of garlic. So did everyone scootch a little further to the left and right after your garlic cloud went on the move? Wait a minute. I bet a 50-year-old garlic Julia still smells like flowers. Nevermind.
    Kathy´s last blog post ..Was That the Last Toupee They Had

  21. 21 lin

    Happy 50th year of AWESOMENESS, JD! You certainly do represent 50 well, my friend. I’m secretly jealous.

    And what can be better than Hoarders on a 40 inch TV?? The Partridge Family!!! WITH Bobby Sherman!!! Gads. I’d be in hog heaven.

    And just so you know it–those mice were your presents from the cats–they were just playin’ it cool with THAT surprise. I’m surprised you didn’t fuss all over them to thank them. I’m sure they are miffed today.

    Go enjoy that tube!
    lin´s last blog post ..Em Saves the Day

  22. 22 old hippie Gemma

    Happy B Day, hysterical Pisces Girl; my all time favorite type for BFF material! Great post, as usual. You have made me laugh hard and that MAY or may not extend my wretched life. Question: How do I get one of those little tags that show after people’s comments saying what their latest blog post was? I have enjoyed your reader’s blogs most of which I wouldn’t have been able to find without those things. I blog also and wouldn’t mind a little shamelss self-promotion! I do have my website filled in in the above thing. Thank God for the word “thing”. If you were from NJ (and thankfully for you, you’re not but I am) you would now say: “Whadda I look like, the answer girl?” or some such aggravated retort. Thanks for being you; you are a certifiable nut! And that’s the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it….

  23. 23 Kelly

    So glad you had such a happy birthday! I’m betting my Spousal Unit does not buy us a new TV for my birthday in a few weeks. Lucky, lucky you!

    Having turned 50 a few years ago, I gotta say that every year gets easier and better. This year, I’ll be 53. I almost can’t wait for 60!!!
    Kelly´s last blog post ..Origami

  24. 24 JD

    Rachele: Thank you! Yes, the TV is the perfect gift for me. I’m really enjoying Re-Animator in all its bloody glory.

    Flit: HA! Don’t worry. I don’t think I’ll watch anymore than I already do. Sorry, it took me a while to get to turning 50. Sorry you had to do it yourself. But you’re right not to care about it. Writing essays sounds hard indeed. You’d think we’d get better at these things as we got older.

    Jaffer: Thank you! I AM TIN! I like the sound of that. And yes, I am working on getting that Blu-Ray thingie next. How awesome will that be.

    Ron: Aw, thanks! You have such a lovely singing voice! I never knew. Wow, you don’t look (or act or smell) 55! It MUST keep getting better!

    Surfie: Oh, man, are you nice. Thank you. I thought we were the only ones on the planet who didn’t have a flat screen. You can come over ANY time and watch Hoarders with me. And yes, I do plan to stretch out the celebration all week. I am just that fabulous.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Hee! Those TV mice were pretty sad, I have to say. And I will confess only to you: I scraped off the cream cheese frosting and ate it. All by myself. Tell your Mommeh that yes, you do get to retire once you join AARP. Of course, by “retire” I mean, “retire to the bedroom and nap.”

    Grace: Thank you! Yes, the Blu-Ray is next on my list. Maybe I’ll get it for Dave’s birthday. Not sure I’ll love typing on a remote (I have enough trouble typing on my iPod), but I can learn.

    Jeff: Aw, thank you. Both for the birthday wishes and for not sending me your 50-year-old stank. You are a true friend.

    Linda: Yes, I do love it. In fact, it’s hard to stay away from it. But I have to work today, so I’m not even going in the living room. Even when it’s turned off . . . it’s beautiful!

    muskrat: FORTY? Forty is nothin’, you whippersnapper. Forty is the new twenty (I have to say that, because someone told me that fifty is the new thirty.)

    Lauren: Hey, fellow old fogey! I wish I had a white eyebrow hair. Fashionable! God may or may not have blue hair, but he definitely has a sense of humor. I’m thankful I don’t need Metamucil, but since I don’t even remember starting this response, perhaps I’d better look into the Ginkgo.

    absepa: Yes, it was pretty cool. Dave was so pleased with himself, and I was practically hyperventilating. Thanks for the b-day wishes. I think you’re in GREAT shape!

    Thomas: Thank you! And you know Dave’s! They’ve changed locations and are no longer in that tiny space on Church Street. Their new location is a lot bigger tho it’s missing some of its old charm. The food is still great, tho.

    Babs: No, I won’t answer that. Truthfully, I really don’t know. Lavender, powder, and desperation? XO

    Stephanie Barr: Oh, poo. With that gorgeous hair you look younger than me. Send me videos! I don’t mind barfing . . . really!

    Anne: Trust me, I smell good. Unless I’ve just eaten a busload of garlic. Thanks for the b-day wishes. Yes, I am enjoying my gift. I love it!

    meleah rebeccah: I love you too! Thank you, thank you, thank you, my beautiful friend!

    Lola’s Diner: They send out a temporary card a few weeks before your birthday, and if you want to join (only $16 a year!) you send back the form. Of COURSE I want to join! I think you get discounts on travel and restaurants . . . and Medicare. Geez, 66 inches? That’s huge! Ours is 40 and seems just right. Any bigger, and it wouldn’t fit on the stand. Plus we have a smallish living room, so too big would be too big. Oh, man, I haven’t even HEARD of “Redneck Weddings.” Sounds right up my alley.

    puglette: YES! A big-ass TV is awesome. Truly. Dave got so many bonus points for this I can’t even count ‘em. Thanks so much for the birthday wishes. I wish you could come over and watch Re-animator with me!

    Kathy: Of course, I would never really want Pru to faint, but it would be funny to see her. I imagine her swooning gracefully, eyelids fluttering. I wish my 50-year-old garlic-eating sweaty self smelled like flowers, but . . . not quite. More like chicken soup, I think.

    lin: WOO! Thank you! Oh, dear. No, I didn’t make enough of a fuss over those poor, dusty mice. I will make it up to Pru and Gus today. How thoughtful of them. Boy, do I feel like watching TV right now. I should’ve taken the week off!

    old hippie Gemma: HI GEMMA! Aw, thank you. Are you a Pisces? If I can extend your wretched life by even a few days, by god I will do it! Huh. I don’t know why CommentLuv isn’t picking up your blog link. It’s stupid that way. It should happen automatically. Tell you what: for future comments, just go ahead and put your link in your comment. I’m all for shameless self-promotion, and I would LOVE to read your blog. Anyone who breaks into “That’s the Way (uh-huh uh-huh) I Like It” is BFF material for me — especially if they’re from NJ!’

    Kelly: Thank you! I’m so glad to hear you can’t wait for 60. That’s one I’m a little skeered of, but 50 was truly fun and joyful, so I don’t see why it shouldn’t get better. I hope you get something fantastic for your b-day, even if it isn’t a TV.

  25. 25 Kathleen Kaufman

    Happy Birthday! I don’t believe for a minute that you’re 50. I’m calling AARP and telling them to revoke your discounts cause you’re a big faker. That’s right, I’m turning you in. No more 20% off at Denny’s for you.

    I recently found a stash of demolished cat mice too…our cats enjoy chewing the tails off the mice and then nibbling at their faces. Gruesome, but also very Hannibal Lector methodical. Hmmm….

    In any case, Happy Birthday!
    Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog post ..Biblical Marriage and an Ode to Chicken Nuggets

  26. 26 MomZombie

    Fifty? 50? I’d have never pegged you for a quinquagenarian: Happy birthday. (I’m planning on skydiving on my 50th. I’ll either have a blog post or a funeral.)
    MomZombie´s last blog post ..Facebook

  27. 27 Jen

    Happy Birthday and what better time to get a new HDTV than when Charlie Sheen is imploding all over the airwaves for all of us to enjoy. Dave really outdid himself this year ( I have no idea what he got you last year or the year before but obviously not a new TV).

    AARP can suck it. I’m sure they do something good but seems to me the only thing they do is remind us of how old we are. Not that I would know anything about AARP because they won’t be sending me a card for another five years.
    Jen´s last blog post ..Charlie Sheen on Mission to Bring Back Favorite Catchwords from the 80s

  28. 28 Tracy

    First time reader and love your attitude about this birthday. I always find random cat toys under furniture. I’m always like “hey, why’s there a peanut under the couch?” Happy B-Day!
    Tracy´s last blog post ..Them People

  29. 29 JD

    Kathleen Kaufman: Thank you! NO! I’m so proud of my AARP card! And I was heading to Denny’s for the early bird special! What is it with these cats? Ours do the same thing: chew off the tail then the face. There is something spooky about that plastic mouse skull.

    MomZombie: 5-0! F-I-F-T-Y! Oh, but I love “quinquagenarean.” Is that really a word? Lemme check . . . IT IS! It sounds even better when you pronounce it with a fake Spanish accent. Holy crap, you’re braver than me. I should’ve done something life-threatening on my b-day. Well, I did eat a lot of garlic.

    Jen: Thanks, Jen! Yeah, as excited as I was to get my AARP card, I felt a little depressed after visiting their site. It’s full of old people! Trust me, Dave definitely outdid himself.

    Tracy: Thank you, and welcome! One year, when we moved our coffeetable back into place after taking down our Xmas tree, we found a REAL dead mouse. That was interesting.

  30. 30 Jennie

    Happy Birthday! I cracked up when I saw all of the lost cat toys. My cat would just loooove us to pull out the refrigerator and dryer one of these days…
    Jennie´s last blog post ..Seven Signs Hes Marriage Material

  31. 31 Rebecca

    Phew, good thing I won’t need to be 50!
    Just kidding! Happy birthday! :D

    I sure hope my 50th will be as great as yours :)

    PS. I love the mice <3
    Rebecca´s last blog post ..How to stop being jealous

  32. 32 Tippy

    Happy Barfday…I mean, Birfday…uh, Birthday!!! =)

  33. 33 dcr

    Happy belated Birthday!

    “I didn’t ask for it, but the card came in the mail like a stinking, rotten fish slapped against my wrinkle-free face.”

    Wait. What? Huh? Don’t you have a choice in the matter? They just drafted you in? Did they force you to pay them too? If AARP is still around when I turn 50, and they pull that stunt on me, I’d be tempted to shred that card and return it to them with a piece of my mind.

    I just hope I’ll remember at that age where I keep the stamps…
    dcr´s last blog post ..But Will It Be Legendary

  34. 34 JD

    Jennie: Why, thank you! Oh, man. I’d hate to think what lurks behind our refrigerator. Not that I ever plan to find out.

    Rebecca: 50 is really not that bad, but if you don’t want to turn 50, remember: I did it for you. (But I totally recommend doing it for yourself: you get GREAT presents!)

    Tippy: HA! You got it right the first time, I think!

    dcr: No choice. Once you turn 50 you are IN and you can’t get OUT. They already have all your personal information, so they just deduct the money from your credit card number on file. And what is all this “If AARP is still around” and “at that age” stuff? What are you, TWELVE?

  35. 35 Betsy

    Well hello there JD! I don’t I’ve ever responded to a blog before but When I saw your “turning 50″ blog I just had to write.
    I too will be turning 50 on 7/17/11 Whoo Hooo!!!!!
    I feel wonderful! I don’t act my age, I don’t look it either. And you know what? After my first husband of 20 years left me (mind you he left a WEEK before xmas 5 years ago) via post it note, I remarried 2 years ago to a wonderful man who is younger & taller.
    Hmm, life is good.
    I’m ready to say good bye to my 40′s and hello to my 50′s! I can’t wait to be a card carrying member of AARP. I am an artist and a poet who works with the mentally ill. And I love life!!
    Thanks for your blog, I will check in often!

  36. 36 dcr

    What are you, TWELVE?

    Twelve AND A HALF!
    dcr´s last blog post ..Cookies Down at the Lake

  37. 37 LJ

    HONEY You are SOOOOO NOT 50. You have flashed those boobies on this blog (kinda sorta) and those are NOT the boobies of a 50 year old! Seriously! If your 50, then I turn 49 next week.
    (Your not a day over 40 and you know it.)
    LJ´s last blog post ..Darth Vader would be proud

  38. 38 JD

    Betsy: Well, hello, there, Betsy! And welcome! I’m honored that you stopped by and took the time to write. And I love your story. DAMN — that was a cold breakup, but you showed him — and everyone — didn’t you?! Life is good indeed. Happy birthday in advance. I have a feeling it’s going to be a great one for you!

    dcr: EXCUUUUUUSE ME! I didn’t realize you were so mature!

    LJ: No, they are not the boobies of a 50-year-old, and yet . . . they are. Enjoy your 49th birthday!

  39. 39 DameMeow

    Happy Birthday! And I for one think snuggling in front of a big ass tv is VERY romantic.

  40. 40 Alex

    Happy Birthday, they say that you are as old as you feel and you look like 20 to me :).

    And don’t mind those AARP people they are just hatin’ :)
    Alex´s last blog post ..Jocuri cu masini

  41. 41 David

    You don’t smell a day over 30.

    I love the Ritual Cat Toy Burial Grounds. This sacred site is under the piano at my house, and man, is it gruesome.
    David´s last blog post ..Random Things

  42. 42 K.D.

    Happy belated birthday! Besides all this 50-year-old talk, I must say, I really like how you ended the post with the Re-Animator pics. I think they would make for some great images to put on a last post of a dying blog… Ha-ha! Enjoy that big flat screen high-definition TV! Cheers!

  43. 43 JD

    DameMeow: It is, it is!

    Alex: Well, if I’m as young as I feel, then I guess I’m 80. (And AARP offers discounts at Denny’s — I ain’t mad at that!)

    David: Oh, thank you. How kind. Yeah, I have a feeling there’s more than one toy burial site at our house. Which is why I never plan to clean behind our stove.

    K.D. Thank you! Yes, who doesn’t love Re-Animator? As for dying blogs . . . hmmm.

  44. 44 dcr

    Just so you know, you’re not allowed to retire from doing things for us until you’re 65.

    Though, the way the economy is going, that might be pushed off to 70.

    Either way, you’re not off the hook yet. ;)
    dcr´s last blog post ..Can You Trust Reviews

  45. 45 James Winsoar

    Many happy returns!

  46. 46 JD

    dcr: Yeah, I see a long road ahead of doing things. The question is, will you still actually want to READ about the things I’m doing when I’m 90?

    James Winsoar: Thank you!

  47. 47 Helene

    Happy belated birthday! I love your post! I wonder if I can get my fiancé to get me one of those 40-inch flat screens when I turn 35. Hmm may not be the first gift you think of for the blind gal though… Not that I would watch much, they broadcast too much reality crap anyway, but our living room would look a whole lot nicer wiht one of those in it. Sounds like I need to come up with a better excuse for wanting one though. Any suggestions?:P Happy viewing!
    Helene´s last blog post ..Lawless and corrupt Pennsylvania

  48. 48 JD

    Helene: Thank you! Well, you’re certainly right about the reality crap. Actually, you’re probably better off without it. I’ve gotten sucked into shows I would never normally watch, just because they look so good in HD (e.g., Cupcake Wars. Yeah. I really need to watch that.)


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