And the worms ate into his Head (brain)

Hello, and welcome to yet another (FREE!) installation of Dr. JD diagnoses and cures the sickly people of the Internet!

My esteemed colleague Professor JD recently took the blogosphere by storm when she appeared over at Cardiogirl’s VIP Lounge to help a bunch of people with their inane questions. Dr. JD was not at all miffed that SHE wasn’t invited. After all, she has her own forum right here. Harumph.

Dr. JD approves of this practice. It is unwise to deal with the full-fledged stench of two whole armpits at once, therefore, one armpit = half the stench. But Dr. JD is curious. Why exactly do you need to know what you would have smelled like? I can pretty much guarantee you, it would have been bad. Spaghettios-bad.

Er, perhaps you should start using deodorant under both arms. Also, potato chips? This is a new one. Dr. JD has heard of chicken soup, Spaghettios, and even that bacon mayonnaise everyone’s talking about. Potato chips? Huh.

Dr. JD does not know where one might find such videos. Honest. Never has Dr. JD EVER been the least bit tempted to seek out bunion fetish videos. Or (shudder) toe corn videos. Now, if you’re talking about hammertoe fetish videos, Dr. JD is all ears. Like, seriously. Send links. And screencaps.

Are you a female? A drag queen? A hermaphrodite? There are many reasons a person is minus a bulge. Perhaps you’re a man with a pathetically small penis. If that’s the case, well, not even Dr. JD can help you.

First off, do you have a bulge? I would imagine a six-foot male would have a fairly decent bulge. And you know what they say: the bigger the bulge, the longer the intestine. Dr. JD is not sure “they” say that, but it sounds about right. So to answer your question, yes.

Look, Dr. JD is sick and tired of all the queries about colonoscopy-as-weight-loss tool. And don’t try to get all sly about it either. You will neither lose nor loose weight after a colonoscopy. Unless . . .

Sigh. You are not supposed to drink the shitting water. That’s what you flush down the toilet. Are you drinking the shitting water in an attempt to lose or loose weight? Because if you are, Dr. JD guarantees instant weight loss due to the intense vomiting that will occur after drinking the shitting water.

Because you drank the shitting water, duh.

For crying out loud, will you people leave your penises alone? The gristle part is not supposed to be removed. If you keep pulling random gristle out of “spots” on your penis, you’re not going to have a bulge. You DO want a good bulge, don’t you?

Uh huh. You pulled too much gristle out of there, didn’t you? You have only yourself to blame.

Dear god, I hope you’re not talking about the penis whole that appeared after you pulled out all the gristle causing the purple lump to burst. That’s the wrong whole! Don’t put it in there!

Thank you for clarifying that you are referring to the brain part of the “Head” as opposed to, say, the nasal cavity or the eyeball socket. Worms in the Head (brain) are very rare and you wouldn’t know you had them until you were dead. Dead men tell no tales, so I guess no one would know if you had Head Worms. How exactly do you think you contracted these worms?

Aha. Yes. Raw Poptarts are the number-one cause of Head Worms in the US. Everyone knows an uncooked Poptart not only tastes nasty but will give you an instant case of Head Worms. And please don’t give me the tired excuse that you don’t have a toaster. JD’s robot husband simply puts his under the broiler. (The cause of his Head Worms is none of your business.)

You can never truly get the smell of suffer off your hair. Once the hair has been through trauma, the smell of suffer lingers, often for years.

You’re welcome. And no, it was not a pretty thing to see, nor was it a pretty thing to smell. But it was better than the smell of suffer.

Well, it’s horrible dead skin, isn’t it? Really, there is no need to bother Dr. JD with questions you’ve already answered yourself.

Dr. JD tries to avoid dealing with elderly patients. Come on, they are almost always querulous and crabby. Who needs that? There is not much you can do with your stubborn old mother, altho you might try asking her why the hell she’s wearing a colonoscopy bag in the first place. You don’t need a bag! The shitting water goes straight down the toilet! Geez! Old people!

Indeed.

The answer is an emphatic YES but only if you tend to use a concrete block for a pillow and begin your sleep routine by slamming your head onto it.

Well, you obviously slammed too hard. Try switching to something less pointy.

That was no dream. That was Dr. JD, trying out a new procedure. Your friend will thank me . . . some day. Also, remind her to buy some more mustard.

Well, perhaps it’s because you’ve got a bunch of hotdogs shoved up in there. Dr. JD recommends a colonoscopy (NOT a colonoscopy bag) and plenty of shitting water.

That’s the spirit! Dr. JD likes porn too. Especially hammertoe porn.

Oh, yes! The ER nose snot story! Every doctor knows about that. Oh ho hohohohoho! It’s a good one, I tell you. HAW! Oh, dear (wipes tear from eye). Heh.

Aw, thanks, Mom.

*        *        *

Do YOU have a question for Dr. JD? Well, there’s no special treatment here. Google your question and pray you get lucky.

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57 Comments


57 Responses to “Dr. JD RETURNS to Cure the Sickly People of the Internet”

  1. 1 Shieldmaiden1196

    People are gross. When I think about the fact that these people are among us it makes me want to wear disposable gloves in the grocery store.

    Related: if your penis begins to shed vital underpinnings I think its perfectly reasonable to HIE THEE TO AN EMERGENCY ROOM even if you don’t have insurance.
    .-= Shieldmaiden1196´s last blog ..Moderate Excess- Volume Two =-.

  2. 2 Daisy the Curly Cat

    I have noticed that a lot of things have bad smells. My feets smell like Fritos. You cannot eat them, though. I do crunch on my toenails sometimes.

    Thank you for the information on penises. It seems a lot of bad things can go wrong with those things.
    .-= Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog ..Oh- Carp! =-.

  3. 3 babs - beetle

    How do you make sure you don’t miss the whole? The whole what?

    I really can’t believe some of these Google questions, and wonder what type of people ask them.
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..Drawing a blank &amp Sofa conversation =-.

  4. 4 Anne

    I agree with Shieldmaiden. I don’t really want to be sharing society with some of these people. They shouldn’t be allowed out in polite company.

  5. 5 Kathy

    I declare that you are the only blogger allowed to ever do a post on your google searches. No one writes them better than you. Freaking hilarious!
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..Malware Bytes =-.

  6. 6 Flit

    This post is hilarious; well done.

    And yes, Daisy, those things are a constant source of trouble.
    .-= Flit´s last blog ..Getting Sorted =-.

  7. 7 puglette

    i am watching “monsters inside me” while reading your post. i am not entirely certain which one is making me more oogy feeling. the woman on the tv program has worms inside her. i think i will wait a while before eating my breakfast. thank you.
    hugs,
    puglette
    :)
    .-= puglette´s last blog ..Pug Stuff =-.

  8. 8 Jaffer

    Dr. JD ! Dr. JD !

    I got farted on by two skunks making stinking porn ! Halp !

  9. 9 Unfinished Rambler

    Oh my god, you aren’t a bitch. Never mind. You’re hilarious. Of course, I don’t need to tell you that. You already know that, I’m sure.
    .-= Unfinished Rambler´s last blog ..Patron of the Week- Mrs I-Just-Wanted-To-Let-You-Know-These-Audiobooks-I’m-Donating-Use-Curse-Words =-.

  10. 10 Tiggy

    I would never have thought of only applying deodorant to one armpit. That’s a great money-saving tip, if you can stand the smell.
    .-= Tiggy´s last blog ..Meat Beat – We’re Okay with Them Lady Hunters =-.

  11. 11 Stephanie Barr

    Note to self, never read Dr. JD posts while eating.
    .-= Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..The Dark Side =-.

  12. 12 absepa

    I think Dr. JD posts might be my favorite of all–my sides ache from laughing. Which is a good thing, because the rest of me weeps for humanity when I think about all the idiocy that is loose (not lose) out there on the Internet.
    .-= absepa´s last blog ..Good night- dying of fright- get out the dynamite =-.

  13. 13 Dorn

    Since Daisy’s feet up there smell like Fritos, she might be able to point you in the direction of some Feet Corn Porn. I smell a new Facebook idea in the works here….Pornshare.

  14. 14 Kathleen Kaufman

    Thank you for answering my bulge question. That makes so much more sense than what WebMD kept telling me. I have a lot of things to return to the drug store….

    And also, if I might ask another question – why does my heel feel like I’m walking on broken glass…wa wa walking on broken glass? Like the Annie Lennox song? Is it broken? Do my flipflops suck? Does my heel suck? Can I get a transplant? Do I even need a heel or is it like the appendix, a useless body part only attached to add to my BMI?
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..Bad Teachers Are Not A New Idea =-.

  15. 15 cardiogirl

    Stop the presses! There’s such an animal as bacon mayonnaise? Is it made by Kraft — the only manufacturer of true mayonnaise — or is it from Hellmann’s?

    Because everyone knows Hellmann’s sucks. It’s in their name for crying out loud.

    Hell, man. This stuff sucks!
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..The book of questions- Volume 108 =-.

  16. 16 cardiogirl

    p.s. Thanks again for the hosting duties; you rocked it into the stratosphere!

    Perhaps we could do a medical version with Dr. JD. I’ll have my people contact your people.
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..The book of questions- Volume 108 =-.

  17. 17 JD

    Shieldmaiden1196: Altho Dr. JD rarely uses the word “gross,” it does indeed apply in this instance. And I heartily agree with your assessment regarding penile underpinnings.

    babs – beetle: Do you doubt Dr. JD’s research? These searches are indeed quite real. It’s sad, but true. Believe me, Dr. JD could come up with WAY funnier ones, but she has that Hippocratic oath to consider.

    Anne: Dr. JD has been trying for years to figure out a way to contain these undesirables from mingling with normal, healthy people. Strangely enough, her colleagues all seem to be against her proposal of creating a large fenced-in area in which to corral these people.

    Kathy: Dr. JD concurs in spades and appreciates your candor. And, as I believe I said on the Facebook, Dr. JD will sue the ass off of anyone who dares to best me in this endeavor.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Frito Toe is not an unusual malady. Many cats — and people — actually find the aroma to be quite pleasant. And you are indeed correct in your assessment of penises. I don’t know how men walk around with those things.

    Flit: A hearty thank you! And Dr. JD is most pleased that we can all agree on the troublemaking aspect of the penis.

    puglette: Dr. JD is always happy when his loyal readers make an attempt to educate themselves through the glory of televised programming. Especially when it has to do with worms. That “oogy” feeling will pass. Just eat some Fritos.

    Jaffer: Dear, oh dear. I’m afraid you’re on your own. Skunk porn is WAY out of Dr. JD’s area of expertise!

    Unfinished Rambler: Dr. JD has been called a bitch and is not shy about claiming the appellation. “Hilarious bitch” is slightly more accurate, however. And, yes. I do know.

    Tiggy: Yes, that’s the thing IF you can stand the smell. Many people cannot. Yet, the curiosity to know what one would have smelled like is often more overpowering than the stench itself.

    Stephanie Barr: And why is that, exactly? Do you have that rare disease that prevents eyeballs from moving across lines of text while the mouth simultaneously chews? Dr. JD would be very interested in studying you.

    absepa: Dr. JD appreciates your correct usage of “loose” as well as your appropriate reaction of side-aching laughter. Dr. JD is a firm believer in the adage “Laughter is the best medicine.”

    Dorn:Shieldmaiden1196: Altho Dr. JD rarely uses the word “gross,” it does indeed apply in this instance. And I heartily agree with your assessment regarding penile underpinnings.

    babs – beetle: Do you doubt Dr. JD’s research? These searches are indeed quite real. It’s sad, but true. Believe me, Dr. JD could come up with WAY funnier ones, but she has that Hippocratic oath to consider.

    Anne: Dr. JD has been trying for years to figure out a way to contain these undesirables from mingling with normal, healthy people. Strangely enough, her colleagues all seem to be against her proposal of creating a large fenced-in area in which to corral these people.

    Kathy: Dr. JD concurs in spades and appreciates your candor. And, as I believe I said on the Facebook, Dr. JD will sue the ass off of anyone who dares to best me in this endeavor.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Frito Toe is not an unusual malady. Many cats — and people — actually find the aroma to be quite pleasant. And you are indeed correct in your assessment of penises. I don’t know how men walk around with those things.

    Flit: A hearty thank you! And Dr. JD is most pleased that we can all agree on the troublemaking aspect of the penis.

    puglette: Dr. JD is always happy when his loyal readers make an attempt to educate themselves through the glory of televised programming. Especially when it has to do with worms. That “oogy” feeling will pass. Just eat some Fritos.

    Jaffer: Dear, oh dear. I’m afraid you’re on your own. Skunk porn is WAY out of Dr. JD’s area of expertise!

    Unfinished Rambler: Dr. JD has been called a bitch and is not shy about claiming the appellation. “Hilarious bitch” is slightly more accurate, however. And, yes. I do know.

    Tiggy: Yes, that’s the thing IF you can stand the smell. Many people cannot. Yet, the curiosity to know what one would have smelled like is often more overpowering than the stench itself.

    Stephanie Barr: And why is that, exactly? Do you have that rare disease that prevents eyeballs from moving across lines of text while the mouth simultaneously chews? Dr. JD would be very interested in studying you.

    Dorn: Ah, you make an excellent point. And I would like in on this “Pornshare” idea.

    Kathleen Kaufman: Dr. JD welcomes your questions! The heel is indeed an important appendage. Yes, it does add to one’s BMI, but, more important, it keeps your toes from doing all the work. As for the sensation of broken glass: It’s probably broken glass. When is the last time you walked barefoot on broken glass? You probably got some of the glass in your heel whole. I would have that checked out if I were you.

    cardiogirl: Dr. JD did some of her patented famous research and found that “Baconnaise” is, in fact, made by some people I’ve never heard of. I hope this helps.

    Dr. JD is available (for a fee).

  18. 18 babs - beetle

    I am interested to know how you come upon these searches. Not that I want to go in search of them, but I’m interested.
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..Protection sometimes causes problems =-.

  19. 19 Pricilla

    This goat is just astounded. Maybe you could add that a goat can indeed get pregnant through a fence.
    .-= Pricilla´s last blog ..Our Exotic Hen =-.

  20. 20 Jaffer

    I just talked to Professor JD (I think that’s her name) she tells that I should stop watching stinking porn and watch good porn.

    Oh she’s good !

    :-)

  21. 21 Lauren

    Perhaps I should have read this after finishing the bag of chips. Ah, lunch 1/2 hrs. Never enough time for my just desserts.

    I can’t believe people Google or Bada Bing such things – but I’m guessing the earth doctors must be sick of the crap that spews from their patients mouths or other orifices.

    By the way, I hear that colonoscopy bags are really in this fall. I wonder if they sell them at T.J. Maxx.
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..Grim and Grimmer – War of the Whirly Words =-.

  22. 22 meleah rebeccah

    Meleah LOVES “Dr. JD” [and her advice] so very much that Meleah had to tweet and facebook this blog post!

    Seriously, I am laughing so hard I have tears running down my cheeks.
    Thank you for cracking me up. This is the bets laugh I’ve had all day!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..It’s Enough Already =-.

  23. 23 meleah rebeccah

    Ooops! Sorry for the typeo.
    Correction:

    “This is the BEST laugh I’ve had all day!”

    I was too busy laughing to spell the word “BEST” properly.
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..It’s Enough Already =-.

  24. 24 Patricia (Walkin' On Sunshine)

    I wonder, but am afraid to look, at the foot fetish videos. If (when) my feet have bunions and/or corns, I would start up the ol’ camcorder and do some erotic foot stuff. Wrap some Christmas lights around them, tape them frolicking in a Japense zen garden, show some wading around a baby pool full of spaghettios…stuff like that, ya know, I bet we could maybe have some money change hands. I could be the future foot Linda Shoelace and they could call it “Deep OOOOs” or maybe “What’s Behind the Tin Can?” maybe “Sally does Spaghettios,” or perhaps “The Spaghettios and Mrs. Jones?” People will be so disappointed when they see it’s just feet and a little bit of cankle…oh, but you like that cankle, you podiaphiles, don’t you? ;)

    Maybe that’s bulge guy’s problem, heck, maybe it’s the answer to the conflict in the middle east…not enough foot fetish porn…sigh.

    (Side story: My best friend worked in an ER as a radiation tech before she settled down and did the baby thing. (Evidently people hurt themselves more than just 9-5 Wednesday through Friday.) Anyway, I asked her what the nastiest thing she ever MRI’d before. She said “A foot.” I said “What’s so gross about that?” to which she answered “No…just a foot.” Apparently, they need to know where things go if they’re gonna reattach the buggar. “Just a hand” came in second, just for general info.)

    Serious, to Kathleen: Are your heels super super dry? Sometimes my heels get so dry that they crack and it does feel as if you’ve literally stepped on glass or something very sharp. I just moisturize like crazy and it happens less.

  25. 25 Ron

    YOU. CRACK. ME. UP. GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    “How come I don’t have a bulge?”

    Are you a female? A drag queen? A hermaphrodite? There are many reasons a person is minus a bulge. Perhaps you’re a man with a pathetically small penis. If that’s the case, well, not even Dr. JD can help you.

    Bwhahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Oh, I love you Dr. JD!

    X
    .-= Ron´s last blog ..Beauty Night And Taking A Break =-.

  26. 26 Ann's Rants

    Toe Corn Bunions– those come in that really loud snack bag that Kathy Junk Drawer was complaining about, right?

  27. 27 Surfie

    Uh oh. I’ve almost always eaten my PopTarts raw. I guess that means I’ve got worms in my head (brain). Good thing I know this now, since otherwise I’d be dead before I knew. Dr. JD saves the day again!
    .-= Surfie´s last blog ..Another Backyard Friend =-.

  28. 28 Kathleen Kaufman

    Dr. JD,

    No offense, but I beg to differ with your medical opinion. My bag of broken glass specifically stated in he instructions that it was ‘suitable for household use’ What’s more of a household use than walking on it barefoot? If it wasn’t meant for that purpose, would they have sold it next to the shoe inserts and the tick-tacs at Rite Aid?

    Jeese….where DID you get your medical degree? One of those new-fangled online medical schools?

    Just to be safe though, I am currently checking my heel for glass shards, so far, so good….

    I still think that heels are entirely unnecessary – like little toes and spleens.
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..Bad Teachers Are Not A New Idea =-.

  29. 29 JD

    babs – beetle: Dr. JD’s methods are not available to public scrutiny, due to patient confidentiality rules and also fear over people out there trying to horn in on her business.

    Pricilla: Unfortunately, Dr. JD is NOT an OB-GYN. Nor is she a veterinarian. But if there is enough interest, she may consider getting certified or whatever people do to treat goats.

    Jaffer: Excellent. Professor JD definitely knows her porn. You are on the right path.

    Lauren: Dr. JD is unaware of this recent colonoscopy bag craze. Apparently it’s not just old ladies.

    meleah rebeccah: Dr. JD greatly appreciates your efforts. And altho Dr. JD takes herself VERY seriously, she recognizes the need for other people to let out a guffaw every now and then.

    Patricia (Walkin’ On Sunshine): Your friend’s ER story sounds very familiar. As an esteemed and respected doctor, I have come across more than my share of detached feet and hands. It’s all in a day’s work. I wonder if some connection could perhaps be made between the inordinate number of severed feet showing up in ERs across the country and foot porn? Dr. JD smells an opportunity. Or that could be Spaghettios.

    Ron: Dr. JD, tho not known for her demonstrativeness, loves you too.

    Ann’s Rants: You may be on to something here. Perhaps the loudness of the bag is meant to distract consumers from its contents?

    Surfie: Indeed. It is but in a day’s work for Dr. JD to save humanity once again, but putting out the word re: raw Poptarts. Plus, don’t they taste awful?

    Kathleen Kaufman: Harumph! Dr. JD does NOT care for your tone — or your implication that she is less than qualified. Also, spleens are TOTALLY necessary.

  30. 30 Lola

    I needed a good laugh right about now and you’re just the doctor to deliver!

    Regarding dry heels and feeling like Annie Lenox, if it is dry heels, go to Walgreens and get some Bag Balm. (It’s where they sell all the lotions.) Apply liberally to the affected area and put on a pair of white socks and go to bed. Do this for about a week and your heels will miraculously be healed (or heeled as it were.) Yes the stuff is really udder cream for cows, but if the cows think it’s good enough, why don’t you?
    .-= Lola´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts =-.

  31. 31 Your Daily Cute

    I am clearing not using Google properly… My searches are never this fun.
    .-= Your Daily Cute´s last blog ..Two Cats Tuesday- Vote on Pimp &amp Moos Halloween Costumes! =-.

  32. 32 Kathleen Kaufman

    I have it on good authority that spleens are mythical, much like unicorns or friendly DMV employees.
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..Bad Teachers Are Not A New Idea =-.

  33. 33 Patricia (Walkin' On Sunshine)

    Don’t doubt the doctor, there is no need for second opinions!

    I’m sure that Dr. J.D. got her M.D.s from the finest universities in the world–The University of Nip/Tuck, the University of Saint Elsewhere (and you know how long it takes to get out of that snowglobe–the research into shattered bones caused by earthquakes was related to the inhalation of those little white particles was groundbreaking in its field and appeared in Nature and The Journal of Osteology. And don’t even get me started on her on-again, off-again romance with Dr. Ross whilst working in the ER for free whilst dancing with the Joffrey Ballet.

    Where are your M.D.s? Hmmm? All this, while the good doctor restores our faith in humanity by treating a toe corn, or a lady whole, or a gristle penis in exchange for a blueberry pie or a chicken. It’s enough to bring a tear to one’s eye.

  34. 34 v

    hhahahaha. these were funny

    um first time? she better hope he misses the whole if you know like i know? the whole? the whole woman or the whole point?

    men and their members. you would think it was sliced bread. it’s the next best thing, but you would think it was sliced bread.

    cardiogirl, hellman’s is the best. i’m sending you a case of it.

    i see my question to google didn’t lead me to your blog. i will keep typing it in because, well neh’mind.

    no wonder my cat licks my armpit. it smells like potato chips.

    have a nice day dr.

  35. 35 Nicky

    You. SLAYED. Me.
    .-= Nicky´s last blog ..I Wasn’t With Waldo =-.

  36. 36 Kathleen Kaufman

    I uh…didn’t realize that she worked with Dr. Ross…I take everything back. I was going to marry Dr. Ross back in Season 3, but I changed my mind…..and never told him my plans for that matter.

    My apologies Dr. JD, you are wise, I will continue to keep plucking glass out of my heel.
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..Bad Teachers Are Not A New Idea =-.

  37. 37 Patricia (Walkin' On Sunshine)

    I know, Kathleen, I know. It was back in season two that I stopped shoving metal shavings in my heels to meet up with the one and only Dr. Ross, until I gave up on that scamp.

  38. 38 meleah rebeccah

    Dr. JD is so good like that!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..It’s Enough Already =-.

  39. 39 MomZombie

    JD, thank you so much for doing all that hot dog/butt research. I wish the university would pay you a living wage for your efforts.
    .-= MomZombie´s last blog ..So funny I forgot to laugh =-.

  40. 40 JD

    Regular ol’ JD here:

    Lola: I’ve heard good things about Bag Balm, but I’ve never tried it. And I don’t know how well it might work on heel glass, but I’m sure it works wonders on dry heels. However. I have always felt that my dry, scaley, crackly heels were better off with their protective layer of crust. Like, if they ever softened up too much, I wouldn’t be impervious to all the rocks and tacks and nails I tend to walk over in a given day.

    Your Daily Cute: No, you’re not using Google properly unless you’re searching for bulges, ear wax horror stories, solutions for big butts, or colonoscopy information. At least, that’s been my experience.

    Kathleen Kaufman: But what about that part in Patriot Games when terrorist Sean Bean causes Harrison Ford’s daughter to get in a car accident and LOSE HER SPLEEN and then Sean Bean calls Harrison Ford and is all “Too bad about your daugher’s spleen. Could come in handy if she ever gets an infection” and Harrison Ford is all “DAMN YOU TO HELL!” Yes, I’m using a movie as a source for medical information, but is that any worse than Dr. JD?

    Patricia (Walkin’ On Sunshine): Yes, see above! Tho I bet Dr. JD never studied at the Institute for Patriot Games and Traffic-Accident/Sean Bean-Inflicted Spleen Injuries.

    v: The WHOLE! There can be only one. I’m a Miracle Whip girl myself — don’t hate on me. Your cat has good taste.

    Nicky: Thank you! Well, I hope you weren’t slain to the point of death. I wouldn’t find THAT to be very funny.

    Kathleen Kaufman: Since neither I nor Dr. JD knows who this Dr. Ross is, I guess everything is settled?

    Patricia (Walkin’ On Sunshine: I’ll just leave you two to discuss Dr. Ross without me.

    meleah rebeccah: Thank you! I’ll pass your kind words on to Dr. JD. She’s at a conference right now on colon hot dogs.

    MomZombie: I (or, perhaps more appropriately, Dr. JD) should definitely receive some sort of remuneration for dealing with the health industry’s sleazy underside.

  41. 41 Lola

    The Bag Balm really does work on dry heels and legs. I got awful dry skin this winter and slathered that stuff on and wah la! The dry skin was gone. I don’t have that crusty layer on my heels anymore to protect me from Annie Lenox, nails or tacks, but then again I have eaten glass…with ice cream.
    .-= Lola´s last blog ..Just a quick post =-.

  42. 42 Patricia (Walkin' On Sunshine)

    (Dr. Ross was a character on ER back in the olden days played by one Mr. George Clooney. Of course the character he played was a pediatrician, that combo gets the ole’ ovaries going whether ya like it or not.)

  43. 43 Patricia (Walkin' On Sunshine)

    (Oh, and I have also used Udder Cream, Bag Balms twin…clearly, they didn’t have the slick marketing team that Bag Balm has and never thought that women don’t like to purchase things with the word “UDDER” in them. I do, however, appreciate the marketing genius that thought up “Beaudreaux’s Butt Paste.”)

  44. 44 FFMag

    Funny, funny stuff. I appreciate a good laugh in the morning! Stuff about the toe corns – hilarious!
    .-= FFMag´s last blog ..Salary Inequality Continues- Women Still Make Less Than Men =-.

  45. 45 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    I am so jealous of the search terms you get. Mine are so boring. Or too pornographic for me to talk about on NGIP. So I’ll just talk about them here if you don’t mind. Actually, with “panties” in the name, you can probably just imagine.
    .-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Mayo vs Miracle Whip What Say You =-.

  46. 46 JD

    Regular ol’ JD here:

    Lola: Please DO tell about this glassy ice cream. Sounds painfully delicious! I guess I don’t have too much trouble with dry skin, because I’ve never had to use anything like Bag Balm. Does that make me a greaser?

    Patricia (Walkin’ On Sunshine): Ahhh. I see. Well, in that case, YES, Dr. JD was married to Dr. Ross. And they had 100 babies.

    Wait, there’s something out there called Beaudreaux’s Butt Paste? . . . OMG there is! But(t) why is it just for babies? I want some!

    FFMag: Yes, toe corns on their own are always funny. But toe corn PORN??? Comedy gold.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): “Too pornographic”? I am not familiar with this term. Tho I do get some stomach-churning “bulge” searches I wouldn’t share with the entire world. Please share all your pornographic panties stories here. Perhaps a guest post?

  47. 47 CatLadyLarew

    Well, if your mom’s proud of your big butt, there’s hope for mine. Thanks for the healthy living tips, JD.
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..Crawling Out of My Hole =-.

  48. 48 kathryn

    Oh, God….Dr. JD, you are so freakin’ smart. And patient. Well, actually, you’re kinda snippy at times….and you DO yell at people if you think it’s a stupid question, so maybe you’re not so patient.

    I am so glad you’ve talked openly and honestly about the smell of suffer. This has been in the closet for way too long.

    I cannot believe the searches you receive. What the hell is wrong with these people?

    And why do I suddenly have this urge for a hot dog?
    .-= kathryn´s last blog ..If Memory Serves =-.

  49. 49 Alex Yong

    This post made my day…I had a good laugh with your witting hilarious presentation! It’s good article and refreshing for my soul.

    Thanks JD.

  50. 50 David

    The highlight of this post for me was the part about the hotdogs. Oh, man. On another note, however, *my* doctor is still completely fine with giving me shots in my ass. I don’t even like hotdogs, though, so maybe that’s why.
    .-= David´s last blog ..Random Items in No Particular Order =-.

  51. 51 JD

    CatLadyLarew: I’m proud of ALL big butts! (And so is my mom.)

    kathryn: I think it might be more appropriate to ask, “What the hell is wrong with my blog” that all these sickos wind up here. Give in to the hot dog urge. Dr. JD would yell that it’s OK to do so.

    Alex Yong: Thank YOU! (Dr. JD thanks you, too.)

    David: Well, there’s definitely a hot dog connection here, tho I can’t quite pinpoint what it is. Dr. JD would know, but she’s on sabbatical.

  52. 52 old hippie Gemma

    Yep, my ComLuv plug in works. Could they make it JUST A LITTLE FREAKIN HARDER TO GET ONE? I have to congratulate all of your readers, JD; I didn’t realize your following worked for freakin NASA, but now I’m sure they all do.

  53. 53 JD

    old hippie Gemma: BOO! I don’t see your blog link! Please send me the URL. I wanna read yo’ blog.

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