Dr. JD Diagnoses Things

If you wanna feel groovy
Give the doctor a call

Scanners

What qualifies ME to diagnose serious medical conditions?

What qualifies YOU to ask that impertinent question?

And now, if it’s quite all right with YOU, let’s allow Dr. JD to get back to her job of healing people.


bunions super sad

Please don’t be super sad. Bunions practically pop right off. Of course, after they do, you’ll still experience phantom bunion pain that is actually worse than the original pain. That’s the time to be super sad.

black veins

As long as they’re appearing on the right side, you’re fine. Black veins on the left side of your forehead usually indicate a serious medical condition called BVF, known more commonly as death. If you have BVF, I suggest you lie down and remain calm. Death by BVF is . . . well, have you ever seen the movie Scanners?

colonoscopy black bits

Those black bits are extremely important to the procedure. Be sure to scoop them out of the toilet and place them carefully in a Tupperware container. Bring them with you to your colonoscopy and make the doctor look at them. After viewing your little black bits, the doctor may decide that you don’t need a colonoscopy after all!

things grow on ear

Well, I call mine Itsy, Bitsy, and Boo. But that’s just me. Feel free to call them anything you like. If they answer, then it’s time to worry.

potato in ear

You’re not trying hard enough. You really have to jam it in there. This isn’t a Q-Tip after all! Did you peel the potato? Because that only makes it slippery. I really hope you didn’t peel it.

finger in ear

Did you remember to remove your finger? That can be a key component to curing this type of disease. (Also, are you sure it was your finger and not a potato?)

oozing ear

Did it ooze little black bits? If so, you may not need a colonoscopy after all!

punch vomit

Dr. JD recommends making the person eat an entire raw pig’s head while watching any movie based on the books of Nicholas Sparks. After that, a gentle tap should do it.

puke

I predict you will puke again, immediately. Whether you choose to continue this cycle is entirely up to you. But theoretically, it could last indefinitely, thus making grocery shopping a thing of the past.

someone elses puke

This is very common and is no cause for alarm. As stated above, eating puke causes immediate puking. After ingesting someone else’s puke, your child will puke. The other person may decide, at that point, to eat your child’s puke. We call this Munchausen’s-by-Puke, and pretty much all children do it.

bone in shoulder

Well, this is either because you are an X-Man or because you entered one of those gene-swapping pods and now have the DNA of a stegosaurus. Either way, extra bone is considered by the medical community to be a good thing. Unless it’s a bunion, of course.

cream in ass

After Googling “diclofenac cream,” I can tell you this. Stop putting things in your ass! That’s probably why you needed the cream in the first place.

fungi in backdoor

Assuming that, unlike the above patient, you’re too shy to say “ass,” this diagnosis involves a hefty amount of diclofenac cream STAT. But first I need to know the exact type of pasta to which you refer. Fusilli? Orechiette? Oh, wait. It’s probably bumbola. Proceed as directed.

gristle lump

If the lump has already burst, you are pretty much fucked. Having said that, what were the contents of this gristle-type lump? Mostly gristle? Like pork chop gristle? Do you have a photo? I’m serious.

naked male butt

Look, even male butts are somewhat fleshy. Stop using so much sunscreen! Your naked male butt will NEVER tan with number 30 slathered all over it. Maybe switch to diclofenac cream.

stuff on penis

It can mean many things. Is the stuff edible? Glow-in-the-dark? Scaly? Did you put it there? Did someone else? Have you showered recently? Does it feel good? If it feels good, I say don’t worry about it.

naked son

Yeah. I think maybe your teenage son should be the one worrying. About YOU! Watching your naked teenage son shave his balls will only make him more nervous and might possibly lead to an accident. Do YOU want to be responsible for Severed Testicle Syndrome? I didn’t think so.

sick without beer

This disease is called alcoholism and is no laughing matter. Do you have pills? Cough syrup? That kind of cold medication they use to make crystal meth? By all means, explore your options. Beer is NOT the only solution.

one donut

It is just this sort of crazy urban legend that serious doctors like me are trying to abolish. The best thing you can do is eat a donut a day, preferably more like three or four. Trust Dr. JD. She knows her donuts.

donut broke

I’m sorry. I hope that wasn’t your yearly donut. If it was, not even Dr. JD can help you.

And now I’m super sad.

_____________

Scanners head came from here.

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51 Comments


51 Responses to “Dr. JD Diagnoses Things”

  1. 1 Jaffer

    Dr JD, Dr JD … is it normal never to have a bad hair day ?

    Gosh – some of the issues people have – makes me suspect some of those queries were made up !

    Could donut be anything else ? If a donut breaks – will there be a baby donut ?

    Oh yes, back to my question – is it normal never-ever to have a bad hair day ?
    .-= Jaffer´s last blog ..ManiaRavings.com is re-launching ! =-.

  2. 2 Daisy the Curly Cat

    I am pretty sure you are allowed to eat at least TWO donuts per year. Three, if one breaks. I have a little bit of medical knowledge myself. On account of the many minutes I spent studying on my Milton-Bradley Operation home study lab.
    .-= Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog ..Fashion Friday: I am a Cool Cat! =-.

  3. 3 ann

    I for one would never question your qualifications to diagnose serious medical conditions. i wouldn’t even question you ability to diagnose mild conditions. Maybe you could diagnose my problem. I am unable to see any pictures in your post. I am sure that had i been able to I would have been even more impressed by your vast medical knowledge.
    .-= ann´s last blog ..Around the house =-.

  4. 4 Pricilla

    I have black bits coming out of my butt every day!!!
    Does this mean I am doomed?!
    Oh Noes!
    .-= Pricilla´s last blog ..Sunday Movies with The Happy Goats =-.

  5. 5 Spot

    Dear Dr JD,

    I am giggling uncontrollably and cannot seem to stop. It started when I read your blogpost. Can you possibly prescribe some Thorazine? I think that’s what they use to relax your entire body when you have prolonged hiccuping or something. Thanks.

    ♥Spot

    PS~ my kids never ate puke, but my cats seem to love it.
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Sean and I come up with ways to make money… =-.

  6. 6 puglette

    what an informative post! wow, i felt my brain cells growing and growing…or wait, was that my gristle lump on my head??

    ok, gross over sharing here: when i was a toddler i fell and cracked my forehead open. i had many stitches. for most of my life i noticed that i had a small hard bump on my head, about two inches away from my scar. as i grew older, the bump would occasionally get a hard, sharp feel. eventually a small bone chip would pop out. this happened several times over my lifetime until the last one came out about 10 years ago. no more bump! yay!

    and about puking…if animals can do it, you would think humans could too. not that they should, because you should definitely not eat puke. gag!!

    and i would like some diclofenac creme. not for my ass, but for the achey spot in my back. i have ordered ibuprofen creme from some internet site, it was wonderful! i could not understand the labels as it was all in german, but so far, no adverse side effects! knock on wood!!

    ok, back to snuggling my two! puggie boys.
    hugs,
    puglette
    :)
    .-= puglette´s last blog ..Who’s This?? =-.

  7. 7 Tracy

    Dear Dr JD

    I read this entire post and now I itch all over and it feels like my bones are sprouting new little bones and there is gristly matter oozing black stuff all over my body and really Morrissey said it best:

    I am going to go home and cry and want to die.

    Also, and this is for reals – could you and all your commenters run your tongue across your soft palate and let me know if yours feels rough and bumpy?

    Because mine does and I have no idea if it has always been this way and it’s normal because I generally don’t run my tongue all over the inside of my mouth but it itches all the time now because of the stupid trees.

    And I will not Google, oh no, I will not.
    .-= Tracy´s last blog ..Year of the Tiger, man, Year of the TIGER =-.

  8. 8 Ron

    Bwhahahahahahahahhahahahahahaa!

    OMG, I LOVE YOU WOMAN!!!!

    This post was freakin’ HYSTERICAL! I loved everyone of these, but the one with the reference to the movies based on the Nicolas Sparks books was brilliant!

    And btw, I didn’t think there was anyone else on this planet that had seen the movie Scanners. I LOVED it!

    Thanks for the great laughs, JD!
    .-= Ron´s last blog ..You Tube: Curse of the Gypsy Woman =-.

  9. 9 Kathryn

    Oh, Dr. JD…..(swoons)….you are a super-genius and I think you’re just swell.

    I’ve had ear-stuffing issues with peeled potatoes for years until I’d read your post. Now I realize where I’ve gone wrong and will save my potato peeler for my son to shave his balls….like any good mother would.

    I found this post terribly informative….and deeply disturbing on more levels than I care to mention.
    .-= Kathryn´s last blog ..First Steps =-.

  10. 10 LeAnn

    I’m drunk so…WHAT???

  11. 11 Nicole

    I just woke my roommate up from laughing so hard.
    This is too funny!

  12. 12 Jay

    “What does it mean when you have stuff on your penis?”

    Good grief! ROFL!! But this is my favourite of your answers -

    “Did you remember to remove your finger? That can be a key component to curing this type of disease. (Also, are you sure it was your finger and not a potato?)”

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, I have tears, I’m laughing so much!

    PS – for a moment there, I thought you meant the OTHER ‘Dr JD’. You know, the one I’d looooove to have ministering to me. *Sniggers*
    .-= Jay´s last blog ..Macro Monday – Puzzle No. 18 =-.

  13. 13 dcr

    I wonder if black bits came out of the hard gristle lump that burst on someone’s head?

    Anyway, you’re not supposed to eat the donut! Not one a year, not four a day. You do not eat the donut. You use the donut to sit on after your colonoscopy, especially if little black bits came out or you shaved things down there and cut yourself upon discovering your parental unit watching you.

    And, if your donut broke, it’s probably because you were trying to eat it. So, don’t do that.
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Dance Master Ron Never Rocked On =-.

  14. 14 Stephanie Barr

    The answers didn’t scare me.

    But the questions sure did.
    .-= Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..Fired Up About Marketing =-.

  15. 15 Susan

    I think this may be my all-time favorite post of yours. So so funny.

  16. 16 Jen

    I do not think the entire raw pig’s head is necessary. Just the Nicolar Sparks movies (or books) will do.

    If a donut breaks all the calories and trans fats and other bad things fall or ooze out so you are then allowed to have another donut.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..It’s a Def Leppard day =-.

  17. 17 erin

    Hahaha. Too funny. I guess I know who to go to with my next medical question!
    .-= erin´s last blog ..The Last Song =-.

  18. 18 Corrina

    I just took the potato out of my ear and I just threw up a little over the mom/teenager/balls thing. Ew.

  19. 19 cardiogirl

    I noticed the person who asked about diclofenac cream in his ass (you *know* it was a guy unless it was a chick with hemorrhoids) is searching for an answer from Canada.

    No comment, just noticed the person was Canada.

    And then the US (just Google.com so I’m assuming that’s the good ole U-S-of-A) hopped on the scene with questions about male butts, stuff on a penis, shaved balls and donuts.

    Lastly, I would love to sit on the exam table and listen to my doctor speak honestly the way you did about the hard gristle-like lump that burst.

    So sayeth Dr. JD: “If the lump has already burst, you are pretty much fucked.”

    Excellent post.
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..The book of questions, Volume 87 =-.

  20. 20 cardiogirl

    Whoa, whoa, whoa gingah. *I* am awaiting moderation?*

    Have I become notorious because that would make a bitchin’ gangsta name.**

    Notorious CG. Yay-yeah.

    *If I do have clearance you can feel free to delete this comment.

    Oh! If I have clearance — and I don’t mean to be presumptuous but I’m pretty sure I do have clearance — delete this comment and then casually throw the term Notorious CG in a comment for me at my place.

    It’ll be like a cold war password that no one else understands. I shall await your communication.

    **What’s the correct punctuation on that sentence? It begins with a question and ends with a statement. It should probably be re-written into two separate sentences so the punctuation debate becomes a non-issue.
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..The book of questions, Volume 87 =-.

  21. 21 cardiogirl

    Damnation! I think my first comment, that’s sitting in moderation, is sitting there because of some lewd language so now the comment above this one makes no sense.

    Grr. So much for the Cold War intrigue. And I just realized Cold War should have been capitalized up there.

    (walks away shaking her head)
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..The book of questions, Volume 87 =-.

  22. 22 Barb at WillThink4Wine

    Dr. JD, I am available as an assistant, should the need arise. Every good online doctor needs one from time to time. Not that you need one. You seem to have matters well under control. My qualifications are that my mother always tells me that I have an anwser for everything. That’s true because if I don’t, I google it.
    .-= Barb at WillThink4Wine´s last blog ..Awww…Mondays – We have baby goosies! =-.

  23. 23 JD

    Jaffer: It is never normal to never have a bad hair day. This can be a symptom of brain trauma, a diagnosis further supported by your hilarious yet troubling question about baby donuts.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Thank you for your professional opinion. I may need to consult with you on a matter involving spare ribs with complications to the funny bone.

    ann: The problem you mention sounds like early onset adult blindness. Have you checked for potatoes in your eyes? Little black bits? Any pulsating veins? If you answered “no” to these questions, my site is probably messed up.

    Pricilla: No. You are certainly not doomed. Those black bits are a sign that you are a healthy and well-fed goat. Who probably does NOT need a colonoscopy!

    Spot: Send your address to “Dr. JD” and I’ll get that Thorazine in the mail to you immediately. Maybe give some to your kids. The fact that they are not eating puke is worrisome.

    puglette: OK, I have to break character here to say, EW! And, fascinating! Little bone chips came out of your head??? Like, through a cut or a hole? I don’t get it. It’s making me squirm with squirminess. HOW? WHY? Well, I’m glad your bump is gone. Dr. JD recommends diclofenac cream for many ailments, including the inability to read German.

    Tracy: When you start quoting Morrissey, it is a sign that things have taken a turn for the worse. Do not, I repeat, do NOT Google “why does my soft palate all of the sudden feel rough and bumpy.” I think the issue may be with your tongue. Start thinking about and becoming more aware of your tongue. This will result in less preoccupation with your soft palate, because all you’ll be able to think about is your tongue. The itching should decrease as well.

    Ron: Dr. JD loves you too. In a professional way, of course. Especially considering our mutual admiration of Scanners. That movie KICKS ASS! Professionally speaking.

    Kathryn: Your admiration is appreciated and deserved. I applaud your creativity with the potato peeler. I think you (and your son) will find it much more useful in this capacity.

    LeAnn: Get the potato out of your ear and make an appointment with me POSTHASTE!

    Nicole: If your roommate is easily awakened, she might be suffering from Awakening Disease. Stick a potato in her ear and see if that helps.

    Jay: As far as I know, there is no “other” Dr. JD. I am the only doctor of that name. Laughing to the point of tears is an indication of a serious illness. I recommend three Johnny Depp movies followed by an intense two hours of Googling images of the actor, preferably naked ones.

    dcr: Are you a medical professional? Because your opinions interest me. It never occurred to me that there might be more than one use for a donut. It should be stressed, however, that the donut should NOT be frosted, nor should it contain any sort of filling. Thank you for your input.

    Stephanie Barr: I can assure you that, as a doctor, I have seen far worse medical inquiries. It’s strange that I seem to attract questions relating to ears and veins and vomitus, but I do my best to help these poor souls.

    Susan: Thank you. Have you made your yearly appointment with Dr. JD? The co-pay is rather steep, but the magazines in the waiting room are the finest celebrity gossip rags available.

    Jen: You could be right about the Nicholas Sparks movies. I usually recommend the pig’s head just to be safe. Milder cases could certainly just read one of the books. Your broken donut theory is fascinating. I must look into this.

    erin: Indeed. Dr. JD takes all questions. Nothing is too personal, embarrassing, or ass-related.

    Corrina: You sound like a perfectly healthy young woman. The reaction you describe is normal. I would worry if you DIDN’T throw up.

    cardiogirl: Your powers of observation are almost comparable to my own. Are you, by any chance, a medical professional as well? The Canadian angle turned out to be MOST important in the case of the ass cream, I can tell you that. As for your complaint about moderation, let me assure you that only the most astute and witty comments are kept there so that I might study them before releasing them to the public. I will take under advisement this “Notorious CG” password and use it at a time that will benefit us both. I’m sorry. I do not answer punctuation questions. You should direct your query to Professor JD at your earliest convenience.

    Barb at WillThink4Wine: Your qualifications are astounding! Please contact my assistant at once. I don’t need to see your papers or letter of introduction; your mother’s opinion is good enough for me. And you are familiar with Google? Excellent.

  24. 24 Sheila Sultani

    Oh man – I thought those questions were supposed to be personal, do you have to announce them to the whole world?

    p.s.

    I have a pink and purple polka dotted ping pong paddle growing near my “front door” what should I do?
    .-= Sheila Sultani´s last blog ..Why We Women Wuv da Wii =-.

  25. 25 babs - beetle

    “What do I do if my bum is fat?” I know, I know. You call it that ‘other’ thing, but this is Google.co.uk!
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..How safe is your pet? =-.

  26. 26 Lidian

    Why are there so many of these strange dilemmas and questions coming from the UK? That is what I want to know!
    .-= Lidian´s last blog ..There’s A TV Dinner In My Soup… =-.

  27. 27 puglette

    there was a little bump, small…undetectable to anyone but me. over the years it would get a sharp spot, kind of like a tooth breaking through your gum. the little chip of bone would work it’s way out over a few weeks, sometimes i would help them along. they were really tiny, about the size of three grains of sand fused together. it was only a few, maybe four that came out. just little remnants from my fall. a sign that i had indeed cracked my head open!! i fell trying to climb a step up and hit the threshhold. this is my earliest memory. i recall having to stop for gas, hearing the ding of the hose at the gas station. and i remember the bright light and the drapes over my face at the hospital.

    ok…there you go…serious interruption over!
    resume funny business!
    hugs,
    puglette
    :o)
    .-= puglette´s last blog ..Who’s This?? =-.

  28. 28 dcr

    Due to the importance of posterior hygiene, I concur with your assessment that the donut should not be frosted. It should, however, be filled with sufficient air so as to assure the comfort of the patient.
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Dance Master Ron Never Rocked On =-.

  29. 29 LJ

    Have I told you recently that you’re seriously cracked? But I like it.
    .-= LJ´s last blog ..Pains of Getting Older =-.

  30. 30 Surfie

    One donut a year? Preposterous! I think you might have a disease if you only eat one donut a year. You know the old adage… A donut a day keeps the doctor away! Didn’t you know they were good for you?

    Some of those questions made me super sad.
    .-= Surfie´s last blog ..I Feel So Accomplished! =-.

  31. 31 Leeuna

    This post had me in stitches. Hilarious stuff. You’re a better diagnostician than Dr. House. I’m so sending all my sick friends to your blog. Wait. That didn’t come out right. Anyway…You know…
    .-= Leeuna´s last blog ..Search Engines Like Sex =-.

  32. 32 Patricia (Trogdor the Burnanator!!)

    I want to hear the story behind the woman discovering her son shaves his ‘two veg.’ There is a story there and I, for one, would like to know it. I’m imagining that she went to grab her heart medication and slipped on the tile floor due to her son’s strangely long showering habits. She tried to steady herself with the shower curtain, only to have it ripped off, ring by ring by ring (this should be in slow-mo) until she is on her back, staring up at her teenage son’s Big Jim and the Twins, horrified. She now knew why her pink Lady Bics were disappearing.

    Then, when the vomit boxcar came rolling down the track, I immediately thought about the great ‘Peep Off’ At first, ‘The Peep Off’ was just six dudes just hangin’ on the Saturday after Easter, just hangin’ and seeing who could eat the most Peeps. But it grew. And grew. And grew. Now it’s a huge tradition and MANY people see how many Peeps they’re able to consume. It has just one rule: if the contestant ate too many Peeps (such as, say, one) and the body rejects them, the Peep Eater may continue under one condition: that they eat their own Peepafied vomit. Oh, and if you break the record, one has to wait five minutes to make sure the Peeps are steady in there.

    Now that they’re making Peeps all the time, people can play the home version, which usually involves alcohol of some sort.

  33. 33 Buggys

    I’m glad you dispelled that ridiculous myth about having only 1 donut a year. Ridiculous. This is why we need honest professionals. Is Obama’s Health Care going to reform you?
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..Memories of The Bullfrog Song =-.

  34. 34 MomZombie

    Thanks for the best laugh all day. I needed it. I have a relative (don’t we all?) who is a doctor. I loved it when he was doing his ER rotation at an inner-city hospital. He always had the best stories. Most of them involved the back door, black bits, fungus and probably a doughnut.
    .-= MomZombie´s last blog ..Ghosts =-.

  35. 35 meleah rebeccah

    I am CRACKING Up! Your responses are PRICELESS! I think my favorite one was :

    “After Googling “diclofenac cream,” I can tell you this. Stop putting things in your ass! That’s probably why you needed the cream in the first place.”

    you rock Dr. JD!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently™ – My Week In Review [Part Eleven] =-.

  36. 36 Patricia (Trogdor the Burnanator!!)

    meleah rebeccah’s post made me think of something my x-ray technician friend told me once: “Saying you slipped in the shower is not only impossible, it’s unimaginative.” Evidently they get that one quite a bit.

  37. 37 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    OK, I was eating a cookie while reading this and I think you should have had some sort of warning at the beginning of your post, especially for those people eating cookies with little black bits in them. Because now I’m wondering if they came out of Pricilla’s butt.
    .-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Who Loves Dyson? I Do I Do! =-.

  38. 38 carissa

    Dr JD this may be my favorite post ever! I need you for all my hyperchondriachness….. or maybe not. Either way enjoyable and quite disgusting. I heart you.
    .-= carissa´s last blog ..4/20: The anniversary of the best game ever and the time I met death’s eyeballs. maybe. =-.

  39. 39 JD

    Sheila Sultani: The only way to raise awareness about fungi-shaped pasta or whatever it was is to make these confidential issues public. As for your “paddle,” I suggest you immediately CEASE eating your own puke. I think you’ll be amazed at the difference.

    babs – beetle: Many of my patients come from the UK, so I am versed in all of the various terminology for the “ass” (technical US term). If you are truly concerned about your fat bum, I would prescribe only two donuts a day. That should do it.

    Lidian: Thank you for your question. British people are notorious for keeping a “stiff upper lip.” This results in difficulty in communicating. Problems build up, the upper lip stiffens even more, until the only thing left for all these British people is to Google their bizarre medical conditions. I hope this helped.

    puglette: I appreciate your candor in relating this painful memory. To further facilitate my analysis, a few photos might be nice. Or a diorama reenacting the event.

    dcr: Indeed. Your observation is duly noted. I would recommend a yeast donut as opposed to a cake donut, as that is more “puffy.” I don’t want to get too technical here.

    LJ: A good doctor strives to be “seriously” cracked. I still have some work to do before I am “irreparably” cracked, but I am devoted to my craft. Thank you.

    Surfie: Your empathy is touching. And your insight into the importance of donuts is particularly moving. The more people can spread the world about this vital food group, the quicker our healthcare problems will be solved.

    Leeuna: Your sick friends are more than welcome. And I consider your Dr. House comparison to be the highest form of praise. Of course, I am way hotter than Dr. House, but that is (or should be) irrelevant.

    Patricia (Trogdor the Burnanator!!): Your work intrigues me. Do you have published papers on this Peep Off? Or photos? Studying this phenomenon could be invaluable to my Munchausen-by-Puke research. And your “mother and son/balls” scenario displays an imagination and creativity rarely seen outside of the medical community. Are you currently practicing?

    Buggys: I am working closely with President Obama to develop a program raising awareness about, specifically, little black bits, donuts, and the shaving of balls. How these three issues are related will be revealed at the next . . . er, congressional hearing or something.

    MomZombie: Dr. JD says, Laughter is the best medicine. Almost as good as donuts. Yes, please see my response above. It’s usually a surprise to the layperson who often these seemingly disparate items are related. That’s why there are doctors.

    meleah rebeccah: Thank you, my young friend. It is healthy and normal to laugh at the problems of others, especially if those problems are related to the ass. Laugh away!

    Patricia (Trogdor the Burnanator!!): Very true. Although Dr. JD did once fall whilst in the shower, and I can tell you that the stream of water from the shower is not sufficient to break one’s fall.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): Based purely on my own expertise, I can tell you that those black bits were perfectly safe for consumption. Unless there was puke on them. Was there puke?

    carissa: Dr. JD hearts all his patients. And never underestimate the severity of hypochondriachness. It’s a growing epidemic in the US and can be cured only with pasta-shaped fungi.

  40. 40 Tiggy

    “Stuff on my penis”… kinda reminds me of that website “Stuff on my Cat”. It could work.
    .-= Tiggy´s last blog ..Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre: Road Trip Tray =-.

  41. 41 Bingo

    Ha ha ha ha ha! I can’t stop laughing. You made my day ;)
    .-= Bingo´s last blog ..All Slots Tourney Winners =-.

  42. 42 meleah rebeccah

    Ass problems are ALWAYS funny!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently™ – My Week In Review [Part Eleven] =-.

  43. 43 Regan

    Do all of Dr. JD’s patients get some stickers and a lollipop after being diagnosed? I certainly hope so.

    I once read somewhere that the average person laughs 10 times a day. I laughed about 10 times while reading this and I’ve laughed multiple other times today. Is this normal?

  44. 44 Kathleen Kaufman

    Dr. JD

    I fully trust your medical opinion, and this post has really cleared some stuff up for me, which is why I need your diagnosis skills now.

    Why did I have a dream about Brett Michaels? I’m afraid that it will only lead to having dreams about other circa 1980′s rock ballad band members, and that is enough to make me start popping red bull and monster.

    Help me Dr. JD.
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..3 Things I Didn’t Appreciate Until I Was Thirty =-.

  45. 45 Kathleen Kaufman

    Ooh, sorry. Second question:

    Just today, I discovered bacon-wrapped hot dogs, how many can I eat before my arteries are completely clogged? I’m hoping you give me a number that is somewhere over 100.

    I love them so so much.
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..3 Things I Didn’t Appreciate Until I Was Thirty =-.

  46. 46 Katherine

    Very VERY funny!!! Those black bits??? WOW!?
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..The Day I Would Simply Have To Move =-.

  47. 47 Jaya

    I also would like to see photos of the burst gristle lump on head…

  48. 48 V

    best response:

    If the lump has already burst, you are pretty much fucked. Having said that, what were the contents of this gristle-type lump? Mostly gristle? Like pork chop gristle? Do you have a photo? I’m serious.

    your responses were hilarious and spot on. if you were a real doctor, there would be no need for health care reform. you would just tell people they are F*’d and to have a good night. why waste money on insurance and medicine, tell ‘em the truth.

    shaved balls? that’s just wrong, wrong, wrong on so many levels.

  49. 49 v

    my bad, dr. j. carry on.

  50. 50 David

    Wow. These various suffering folk have renewed my faith in the stupidity of the human race … which never really faltered, now that I think of it.

    And I’m kind of regretting the pasta I had for dinner. Who knows from whose ass it might have escaped?
    .-= David´s last blog ..Just, You Know. Stuff. =-.

  51. 51 JD

    Tiggy: I am not familiar with the medical diagnosis “Stuff on My Cat,” but I will be perusing the journals for abstracts on the topic.

    Bingo: Dr. JD approves. In spades.

    meleah rebeccah: I concur. While it may not seem professional to laugh at ass problems, it is, in fact, totally acceptable in the medical community.

    Regan: Dr. JD provides EXTRA stickers and lollipops to patients who laugh at least 50 times a day. Therefore, you may expect to receive your rewards in the mail posthaste.

    Kathleen Kaufman: Dr. JD has some bad news for you. Dreaming about Brett Michaels is usually a sign that you have an STD. Definitely commence a strict Red Bull diet, as this will most likely kill any STD germs.

    As for the bacon-wrapped hot dogs, I’m afraid you’ll have to abstain until your STD is cleared up. Please send all your bacon-wrapped hot dogs to Dr. JD.

    Katherine: Indeed. Often the medical community is confounded by such information, but Dr. JD has seen it all.

    Jaya: You sound like an excellent candidate for my residency program.

    V: Ahem. I am a real doctor, and any hilarity is totally accidental. Of course, when dealing with gristle-filled lumps, one cannot help but find the humor.

    v: Not at all. You’re not the first to question my legitimacy. Strange . . .

    David: If you need a test run on your ass, do not hesitate to call my office. I think you’ll find I am most discreet when it comes to pasta-ass issues.


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