What qualifies ME to diagnose serious medical conditions?
What qualifies YOU to ask that impertinent question?
And now, if it’s quite all right with YOU, let’s allow Dr. JD to get back to her job of healing people.
Please don’t be super sad. Bunions practically pop right off. Of course, after they do, you’ll still experience phantom bunion pain that is actually worse than the original pain. That’s the time to be super sad.
As long as they’re appearing on the right side, you’re fine. Black veins on the left side of your forehead usually indicate a serious medical condition called BVF, known more commonly as death. If you have BVF, I suggest you lie down and remain calm. Death by BVF is . . . well, have you ever seen the movie Scanners?
Those black bits are extremely important to the procedure. Be sure to scoop them out of the toilet and place them carefully in a Tupperware container. Bring them with you to your colonoscopy and make the doctor look at them. After viewing your little black bits, the doctor may decide that you don’t need a colonoscopy after all!
Well, I call mine Itsy, Bitsy, and Boo. But that’s just me. Feel free to call them anything you like. If they answer, then it’s time to worry.
You’re not trying hard enough. You really have to jam it in there. This isn’t a Q-Tip after all! Did you peel the potato? Because that only makes it slippery. I really hope you didn’t peel it.
Did you remember to remove your finger? That can be a key component to curing this type of disease. (Also, are you sure it was your finger and not a potato?)
Did it ooze little black bits? If so, you may not need a colonoscopy after all!
Dr. JD recommends making the person eat an entire raw pig’s head while watching any movie based on the books of Nicholas Sparks. After that, a gentle tap should do it.
I predict you will puke again, immediately. Whether you choose to continue this cycle is entirely up to you. But theoretically, it could last indefinitely, thus making grocery shopping a thing of the past.
This is very common and is no cause for alarm. As stated above, eating puke causes immediate puking. After ingesting someone else’s puke, your child will puke. The other person may decide, at that point, to eat your child’s puke. We call this Munchausen’s-by-Puke, and pretty much all children do it.
Well, this is either because you are an X-Man or because you entered one of those gene-swapping pods and now have the DNA of a stegosaurus. Either way, extra bone is considered by the medical community to be a good thing. Unless it’s a bunion, of course.
After Googling “diclofenac cream,” I can tell you this. Stop putting things in your ass! That’s probably why you needed the cream in the first place.
Assuming that, unlike the above patient, you’re too shy to say “ass,” this diagnosis involves a hefty amount of diclofenac cream STAT. But first I need to know the exact type of pasta to which you refer. Fusilli? Orechiette? Oh, wait. It’s probably bumbola. Proceed as directed.
If the lump has already burst, you are pretty much fucked. Having said that, what were the contents of this gristle-type lump? Mostly gristle? Like pork chop gristle? Do you have a photo? I’m serious.
Look, even male butts are somewhat fleshy. Stop using so much sunscreen! Your naked male butt will NEVER tan with number 30 slathered all over it. Maybe switch to diclofenac cream.
It can mean many things. Is the stuff edible? Glow-in-the-dark? Scaly? Did you put it there? Did someone else? Have you showered recently? Does it feel good? If it feels good, I say don’t worry about it.
Yeah. I think maybe your teenage son should be the one worrying. About YOU! Watching your naked teenage son shave his balls will only make him more nervous and might possibly lead to an accident. Do YOU want to be responsible for Severed Testicle Syndrome? I didn’t think so.
This disease is called alcoholism and is no laughing matter. Do you have pills? Cough syrup? That kind of cold medication they use to make crystal meth? By all means, explore your options. Beer is NOT the only solution.
It is just this sort of crazy urban legend that serious doctors like me are trying to abolish. The best thing you can do is eat a donut a day, preferably more like three or four. Trust Dr. JD. She knows her donuts.
I’m sorry. I hope that wasn’t your yearly donut. If it was, not even Dr. JD can help you.
And now I’m super sad.
Scanners head came from here.