I can take a little pain
I can hold it pretty well

Painful spine came from here

Lately, I’ve been getting zapped.

Not this kind of “Zapped!” No, I’m talking about the sensation I get from my beloved portable TENS unit. Yes! Thanks to chronic back pain, I get my own little magic zapping machine. All I have to do is stick the pads to the ouchy parts, crank up the electricity, and ZAP! Pain messages are stopped dead in their tracks. ZAP! Pain-killing endorphins are released. ZAP! I pop a few Vicodin anyway, just to be safe.

I was a little nervous at first, when it came to trying out my TENS unit. What if I electrocuted myself? The damn thing just showed up one day in the mail; how do I know it’s safe?

Luckily, I was able to test the unit.

Pru didn’t seem to experience any adverse effects. She frequently howls like that. And her fur was probably standing up because she was cold. Also, aren’t cats supposed to twitch and run around in circles for hours?

And she ALWAYS sits in the wastebasket. It’s not like she’s hiding from me or anything.

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Hey, guess what else? I got an award! My position on awards has been kind of wishy-washy. I accept them gladly, but then I don’t follow the rules. Because I’m a rebel. A lazy rebel. I have an awards page, but I decided I’d publicly acknowledge this one AND pass it on to some deserving bloggers.

So thanks very much to Kathcom from Magick Sandwich for the Superior Scribbler Award, the backstory of which you can read at The Scholastic Scribe.

PLEASE JOIN ME IN CONGRATULATING:

absepa from Nerd in the Corner. She just celebrated her blog’s 1st birthday yesterday, so go on over for some stale cake and funny stories. I want absepa to have this award because I know, like all good bloggers, she gets discouraged from time to time, but she keeps plugging away and writing high-quality, entertaining posts. Here’s to many more bloggie birthdays!

Kathryn from From the Inside . . . Out. Kathryn wins because she sends me all her Thai porn (to be explained later, much to your disgust). Now that may make her sound kind of slutty, but she’s totally NOT. She’s a nice girl who writes a damn fine blog AND is a writer by profession. Go on and visit her. Just bring your own wine (and porn).

Tracy from I Hate My Messageboard. Tracy wins solely on the basis of this eggroll recipe, which can be found in her hilarious Museum of Snack Foods, WHERE, incidentally, she totally scooped me on the whole chicken in a can phenomenon.

Mason from MasonMania. Mason is a sock puppet. A talking sock puppet. It’s a thin line between stupid and funny, but Mason walks it with just the right sense of silliness and killer timing. His vlogs are short, too, so no excuses.

Puglette from Puglette Ponders. I just love Puglette. She is one of those rare sweet people who is naturally and sincerely nice. I mean it! She is a sweetheart, and her blog has cupcakes on it and is all about her two adorable pugs, Ollie and Charlie. I’m hoping this award will distract her while I go kidnap Ollie.

And with this, I hereby officially retire from accepting awards. Show your love in other ways. Such as? Well, I do like money, Vicodin, and sushi. I might also need a new cat.

Oh, Prudence . . .

I know it’s kind of late
But Happy Birthday

Ummm . . .

I don’t know how to put this tactfully, so I’ll just come right out and say it:

You forgot Prudence’s birthday.

She turned one, if you care.

I wouldn’t mind so much, except she was really excited.

Now, I realize you don’t KNOW the date of Pru’s birth, but you might’ve dug around a little: made some calls, checked the records, looked up kitten birth announcements.

Oh, WE celebrated Pru’s birthday. Special food, lots of toys, extra catnip. I even pretended to accidentally drop a whole bag of pine nuts on my pine-nut-colored kitchen floor so she could “find” all the pine nuts. That was fun. Gus gave her an extra-thorough birthday bath with lots of ear nips and belly chomps. And she got phone calls from both grandmas.

But as the day came to an end and there were still no birthday wishes from all of Pru’s blogging friends . . .

. . . her tiny pink lower lip began to tremble. Her wee nose, the color of a watermelon Jolly Rancher, began to quiver. Her beady little eyes widened in disbelief.

I tried to explain to her that people are busy, and not everyone celebrates kittens’ first birthdays. I think she understood. And she may forgive you.

Or she may not.

Thanks to everyone who helped me figure out Prudence’s newest “toy.” I still can’t say with any certainty exactly what it is, but thanks to y’all, I can at least narrow it down:

It most likely is . . .”one of the little clippies that holds the pants onto the hanger”—submitted (first) by Jenn of Cabbages and Kings.

But it could also be . . .”a plumbers clip”—submitted by Babs – Beetle of Beetle’s Memories ‘n’ Ramblings.

It might sort of be . . . “a clip to hold in a car stereo”—submitted by Puglette of Puglette Ponders.

??????????????????????????

In the “Creative Category,” we have the following submissions:

“alien bobsled”—Kelly from Aerten Art

“Barbie chastity belt”—Canucklehead

“penis brace”—Wayne John

“itty bitty picnic tablecloth holder-on-er”—chat blanc from Wit’s Bitch

“recliner chair from ‘The Incredible Shrinking Woman’ movie”—Natural from Thinking Out Loud

“the letter ‘J’—Jenny from I’m Having a Thought Here

“magic cat toy”—Regan

“kitty tongue depressor”—Tom from Chinese Zodiac Marriage Combinations

“bobsled or wreath hanger for the Who’s down in Whoville”—Brooke

“front tooth from a gangsta cat grill”—Jeff from View from the Cloud

“chastity belt for un-spayed cats”—Carol from A Book Inside

“sex swing hook”—Tiggy from Tiggyblog

??????????????????????????

THE WINNERS ARE:

Jenn!

For guessing the clippie thing on a clothes hanger. Most of you agreed that this was the correct answer.

Canucklehead!

For coming up with a mind-boggling yet strangely arousing scenario involving Barbie and her “Overbearing Husband Ken” AND GI Joe with super-welding action.

Jenn and Canucklehead, please let me know your choice: 1,000 EC points or an I Do Things keychain (send me your addy if the latty—did anyone get that?)

As for Prudence? She’s still not talking.

There’s nary a chastity belt to be found on Humor-Blogs.

I’d like to play with your toys

Kathy from The Junk Drawer has begun featuring the entertaining “What’s That Wednesday” post, where baffleded (typo, but it stays) readers are shown part of an object and asked to guess . . . What’s That? (usually on a Wednesday) It’s not only fun and mind-boggling, but the winner gets a fabulous prize. So far Kathy has included such disparate items as a hot water bottle stopper, the strike plate of a stapler, and the tip of a nose-hair trimmer.

In the spirit of blogging and good fellowship and fun and contests and prizes and stealing, I have “taken” Kathy’s idea and put a slightly different spin on it:

So, without further ado, I give you:

Name That Toy!

Lately, Prudence has grown bored with the roomfulls of toy mice, fuzzy balls, pipe cleaners, feathers, strings, and ponytail holders that were purchased at great cost for her entertainment. She has begun scouring our basement for newer, funner toys. Every night, when we are fast asleep, Prudence drags upstairs her latest find and dumps it on the bed, where she proceeds to play with it vigorously. One time it was the drain from the basement sink. Another time it was a succession of Christmas ornaments. The other night, it was this:

I’ve included 3 separate views of the item. It’s about as big as a bottlecap. Prudence loves it dearly, but I’m afraid she’ll cut herself on it, so it has been confiscated.

Now here’s the twist:

Um . . . I really do not know what the hell this is. So I’m asking you: Name that toy! Please? Help me figure out what this stupid thing is. Whoever comes up with what SOUNDS like a good guess will win 1st place. Second place goes to the most creative guess.

1st place prize: 1,000 Entrecard points OR an I Do Things keychain

2d place prize: 1,000 Entrecard points OR an I Do Things keychain

Yes, 1st and 2d place prizes are the same. What do you want from me?

Now get to it. NAME THAT TOY!

Winners will be announced on Wednesday, December 10, end-of-the-day-ish.

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If you’re looking for more great material to steal, may I suggest Humor-Blogs?

May I remind you
That you don’t live in poverty

Whoa!

You didn’t see that coming, did you?

Well, I was just as blindsided by getting SICK again, a mere two days after fully recovering from what seemed like a year-long cold. So the blog posts? They are not exactly pouring forth.*

Thank God for Gus.

But let me backtrack a bit.

I recently hired a cleaning service. Why? you ask. Why would a usually healthy, physically fit, capable, independent, liberated, “can-do” woman like JD need help with ANYthing?

Well, first, let’s examine the research:

Top 5 Reasons People Hire a Cleaning Service

1. I am too busy.
2. I am physically incapacitated.
3. I have small children, which makes it difficult.
4. I could never get my house as clean as a professional service.
5. I am selling my home and need it to look perfect.

Aaaand! Reason number 6, courtesy of JD:

I . . . just . . . don’t . . . wanna.

There. I said it. What everyone else has been wanting to say for years. I just don’t wanna clean my house. It’s gross. Cleaning is hard. I suck at it. Our vacuum cleaner is heavy and unwieldy. Those dustrags never seem to really pick up all the dust. Pledge makes me sneeze. It just gets dirty again anyway. Cleanliness is NOT next to godliness—isn’t goodliness next to godliness? Anyway, I realize no one likes to clean, but I really, REALLY don’t like it, to the point that I just . . . don’t.

But finally something had to be done. And not by me. So, I Googled and Epinion’d and found The Maids, a fairly pricey but seemingly reputable company that promised a crew of four cleaners that would clean my house in about an hour and a half for roughly the price of two 90-minute massages. YES!

Now, our house is pretty neat (don’t look in the closets!) but there are some problem areas. And you know how important it is to win the approval of four total strangers who are accustomed to all manner of dirt and mess and possibly even biohazardous spills but who nevertheless may judge me for having a 2-inch-thick layer of dust on my dining room table.

Cue Gus.

I told you those dustrags never get all the dust. And I couldn’t bear the thought of those nice cleaning ladies laughing and sneezling (typo, but it stays) because of my horrifying table. So, what do I do when I need a quick but thorough dusting job?

Click below to watch:

Gus Dusts the Dining Room Table

(Please turn down the volume. Gus does his job in total silence, but the construction workers next door do not.)

Thanks to Gus, I was able to get the table in tip-top condition for these very pleasant and professional cleaning ladies who obviously could’ve cared less whether or not my stupid table was dusty. One look at my grime-encrusted stove was enough to convince them to put on their heavy-duty gloves and face masks. No amount of Gus could help with that.

After a little over an hour and a half, our house was a sparkling gem. You could eat off the floors, which Gus promptly did when I fed him numerous treats for his stellar performance. Because, you see, in addition to dusting my table, Gus kept me company as I cowered in the basement, listening to the cleaning ladies laugh and sneezle.

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*Thanks also to Kathy for getting me out of my slump!

Cat
I’m a kitty cat
And I dance, dance, dance

It’s been very sciency here at I Do Things, what with discovering new illnesses and such. In keeping with that theme, I decided to tackle an issue that’s probably even more important than a life-threatening disease.

(clears throat in scientific manner)

Kittens, despite what you may think, are complex mammals. Yes, they are cute and fluffy, but the inner self of a kitten has remained a mystery to cat scientists for centuries.

Therefore, I have conducted exhaustive and extensive research into the kitten species. To make things easy (on myself), my test subject was my own personal kitten, Prudence.

I spent at least a whole half-hour carefully watching and recording Prudence’s actions. The results are far too technical to include here in their entirety, so for the layperson, I have extracted only the pertinent details.

Prudence likes:

• Eating
• Sleeping
• Playing

Prudence dislikes:

• When I do the screaming guitar solo to “No One Like You” by Scorpions
• When I try to fit her head into my mouth
• When I run at her making monster noises
• That guy next door
• When we play “Olympic Gymnast” and she is the trampolinist
• The streetcleaner
• When I imitate the streetcleaner
• When I fold her ears into origami shapes
• When I yell, “SUPPER!” but don’t feed her within 2 seconds
• When Gus doesn’t play-bite her hard enough
• When I won’t let her eat my hair
• When I chase her around the house, pretending to be a giant gorilla
• The Real Housewives of Orange County
• When I wake her up from a nap so I can give her a pedicure
• When I practice my British ambulance siren (WEE-oo WEE-oo WEE-oo)
• When I stick my big toe in her mouth as she’s yawning
• Llamas
• When I roll her up in a blanket and pretend she’s a burrito
• Being researched
  

Conclusion

Kittens seem to have many more dislikes than likes. This makes them highly unpredictable and possibly dangerous. Purchase your kitten (preferably from a shelter) with care.

And keep trying the screaming guitar from “No One Like You.” Your kitten might get used to it eventually.

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Click here if you love kittens.

Hey, everyone! Remember Gus’s lolcat contest? Well, the results are in and . . .

. . . Gus is officially famous!

Thanks to you, his photo—now with exciting caption!—has been submitted to I Can Has Cheezburger, where, if about 10,000 people vote for him, his double-buttedness will seen and admired by the masses.

There were so many great entries that Gus couldn’t pick just one. He was able to narrow his choices down to three winners, and they are announced below. BUT! if you want to be surprised, don’t scroll down yet. Instead:

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Click here for the first-place winner!

Click here for the second-place winner!

Click here for the third-place winner!

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Gus appreciates everyone’s efforts. He only regrets that nobody was willing to shell out $1,125 to bid on Cute Overload‘s auction so that he could be REALLY famous. That’s OK. Gus understands.

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Congratulations to the winners!

• Jay from The Depp Effect
• Daisy the Curly Cat
• Elle from Maxwell the Tattooed Boy and Other Astounding Joys

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And thanks to everyone who commented and showed their support for Gus!

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