And when they see me
They want to be me
Some of my Facebook friends are probably sick of “Ay, loca,” so it’s only fair that YOU get a chance to be sick, too.
Sickness for all!
It started with RuPaul’s Drag Race. Yes, there is an actual TV show with that title. It’s kind of a Top Model for drag queens, hosted, obviously, by drag queen extraordinaire RuPaul (see above, locas). Like many of these reality contests, competitors participate in challenges, scratch each others’ eyes out, tuck their junk between their legs, and get voted off one by one.
Oh, and the final two are commanded by RuPaul to “Lip-sync for your lllllllllllife!”
But why was I, the intelligent and worldly JD, watching this show? I was beginning my Vicodin withdrawal and not feeling too great. I needed stimulation, but nothing too challenging. No drama.
Ay, loca. There was nothing BUT drama on this show.
From “lady-boy” Ongina to the buxom Porkchop, nine contestants vied for the title of . . . hmmm. I can’t remember. Something about drag queens.
But my favorite?
She was not the prettiest. She did not have the best body nor did she do particularly well on the “Oprah Challenge.” But what she lacked in these areas? Ay, loca, she made up for in . . . FIERCENESS!
SHE IS!
NINA FLOWERS!!!!
AY, LOCA!
And bitches, she WORKED it.
(She also said, “Ay, loca” ALL the time, in a way that made me long to be a Latina drag queen. Like, seriously.)
On this show, I learned that drag queens who dress more realistically as women are said to be “serving fish”! Well, thanks! And, ew. I also learned how to create a fierce “cat-eye.” ROWR! AND there is apparently no magic trick for dealing with the ol’ peas and carrot. Men, be prepared to suffer restricting garments, padding, and, yes: duct tape.
I was disappointed that Nina Flowers came in second (to Bebe Zahara Benet), but she DID win Miss Congeniality . . . and a place in my heart forever.
So, locas, I was thinking.
A 48-year-old female?
Is it possible?
Could I . . .
. . . possibly ever dream to appear on:
RuPaul’s Drag Race, Part 2: JD BUGALOO!!!
AY, LOCA!
Hey! What’s YOUR drag queen name?
According to this site, mine is the eternally stupid Sofonda Dildoes. But here, my name queened out as Monica Duvet. I like that much better. And I think Nina would too.
_________________________
46 Comments
Monica Duvet! Oh, I’d so book you as an entertainer for a small child’s birthday party. That’d shut em up.
Tiggy´s last blog ..Back in 10 Minutes
I think that shot of you is a bit more of a… JD Drag Queen Mugshot After Getting in Fight with Other Queens and Arrested… look.
Jenn Thorson´s last blog ..Slawstrodamus’ Prophecies for 2012
Umm my drag name is “pussy galore!” how awesome is that! My roommates watch this show that you speak of but I have always avoided it… I’m totally going to have to check it now.
and your drag pic? May become my desktop background!
carissajaded´s last blog ..Nom Nom Numb
Ivana Dick is my new name which I will wear ever so proudly. I think I’ll have my daughter, or maybe the dog, apply my make-up for the desired look.
Mine is ‘Iva Fetish.’
Which sounds like, “I have a fetish,” …which just so happens to be that I like to dress in drag.
Wait.
What?
moooooog35´s last blog ..The Great Celery Incident of 1988
I’m feeling the urge to watch To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.
My drag names are Helena Handbasket and Monica Welsley. Keep an eye out for those names. You can say you knew me when.
Surfie´s last blog ..My Dishwasher Hates Me
I’d buy that you’re a girl, but I think you’re still serving the fish too much.
I’ll check out names later.
Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..For Missice: Is this Mr. Right?
So according to the first site, my drag queen name is Kristy Kreme. I looove that. The second site gave me Rachel Intervention. Not feeling that one so much.
We have one bar in town “The Cabaret” that books drag queen shows a couple times a year. I went to one with a bunch of girl friends and we had a blast. And afterward one of the performers took me to the makeup room and did my lipstick for me. Oh they looked so pretty!! All pink and glittery! I felt very glamorous for the rest of the night. And my friend was pouty because she didn’t get special treatment. And I was all “In your face! Real guys might flirt with you but I’m a huge hit with the drag queen crowd!!”.
The makeup in your drag queen pic is scary like a clown’s, but your hair looks ah-mazing!!!
♥Spot
Spot´s last blog ..The stairway to real life…shouldn’t there be an elevator?
Hi JD
My Drag Queen name is: Mama Mammaries, ha ha this is funny.
By the way, my tail bone is ok now, thanks for asking!
Bingo´s last blog ..Superstitions Chapter 3 – The triangle under the stairs
My name is either Iva Fetish (too obvious and thus corny) or Charlamaine Chan , which is odd since I’m probably not Chinese.
feefifoto´s last blog ..Time To Shop: Get A Head Start On Holiday Gift Shopping, And Get Free Shipping
I got Marsha Mellow on the first site, which just sounds stupid. On the other site I got Charlamaine Temple, which has a certain ring to it.
I think I’ll go with Charlamaine Temple.
Now to go try on some wigs….
But wait! You did that, so I don’t have to!
CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..Castle: Theme Thursday
oh dear, neither name generator came up with anything even mildly amusing, rather boring actually. My real first name came up as part of my new name – “Grace Monroe” – no fun at all.
Grace´s last blog ..I met my husband in 1989
Did someone say fish is served? ALL RIGHT!
~ The Divine Curly Pussycat
Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog ..Dona Nobis Pacem
FAAAABULOUS post, JD!
Ok…my drag name is Ivana Dick!
(how appropriate)
I love Rupaul! I use to work for Mac Cosmetics and he was the first spokesmodel for their lipstick Viva Glam.
I hear he’s got the greatest “tuck” in the drag world.
And it’s must be true, because you can’t even SEE it!??!
HA!
Tiggy: HA! Those kids would run, screaming, if Nina Flowers came at them. Monica Duvet still has much to learn (ie, the “tuck.”)
Jenn Thorson: The original photo definitely looks like a mug shot. I was hoping the garish makeup would transcend the look to “fierce sexiness,” but apparently it didn’t.
carissajaded: Aw, you got a good drag queen name! (Cue Sean Connery as James Bond saying, “Of courshe you ah.”) I’d recommend the show. It’s good, cheesy fun. I’m flattered by how much you luuuuurve my drag pic. But hardly surprised (to be said in a drag queen voice).
Jen: Ivana Dick . . . I don’t get it . . . OH, OK. HAHAHAHA. Please submit photos of your drag queen makeover. Maybe we can have a contest!
moooooo35: (six o’s, right?) I think this challenge was too easy for you. First: lip-sync for your llllllife. Then: Show us your tuck.
Surfie: Ooh, girl, you better WORK it! I’ve never seen Wong Foo,M but The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is totally loca.
Stephanie Barr: Thank you! As a brand-new drag queen, I want to be considered fishy. But it’s not for everyone. It’s certainly not for Nina Flowers.
Spot: Oh, I LOVE Kristy Kreme! I may have to steal that a little. I also love the drag queen life. I dream of being adopted into a drag circle and made over into a fierce new JD. Getting a makeover by a drag queen WAY trumps having some dumb guy flirt with you. Thank you for the clown makeup comment. The hair is actually . . . Jessica Simpson’s!!! On that makeover site I linked to, you can choose celebrity hair. Jessica Simpson has drag queen hair, y’all.
feefifoto: Hmmm. “Probably not” Chinese. But possible? Because these name generators are usually pretty accurate. I’d go with that. It’s definitely better than Iva Fetish, which (see above) has already been taken.
CatLadyLarew: Yes, loca, DEFINITELY Charlamaine Temple. Like Monica Duvet, it’s classy and understated. Just make sure your wigs are NOT.
Grace: Awwww! I’m sorry, loca! Maybe refresh and try again? Use your middle name? I’ve just got such a good feeling that you have a great drag name in you.
Daisy the Curly Cat: Uh . . . it’s not really that kind of fish, Daisy. But if it’s any consolation, YOUR drag name (Daisy Curlycat) is: Barb Wyre OR Devine Courtisan. The second one is quite close to The Divine Curly Pussycat!
Ron: HAR! Oh, I’d LOVE to meet RuPaul (and, yes, my eyes would be glued to his tuck . . . just to see). One of the challenges on the show involved being a “Viva Glam” girl and pushing Mac cosmetics. It was all so fierce!
Bingo: Hi, Mama Mammaries! So glad your tail bone is better. With a name like that, you’d better be out and shaking it!
Like everyone else, I totally had to check out my drag queen name. I am Amanda Playwith and Charlamaine Intervention. I definitely prefer Amanda Playwith. In fact, I think I may sign my comments that way from now on. I wish I had known about this show. It sounds like my kind of program.
I wonder how Oprah feels about the Oprah Challenge?
Your drag picture scairt me, but as someone else pointed out, love the hair!
Bebe’s hair, OTOH, makes him/her look like a yak.
Ay, loca! Crazy post!
Kathy´s last blog ..We Have a Winner!
I love the ’serving fish’ reference. That’s hilarious.
My drag queen names are:
Mama Mammaries
Monica Welsley
Monica Welsley sounds kind of call girl like. Lol!
Lola´s last blog ..October Top Commenter Winners!
Duct tape?
I just don’t want to know….
I am thinking you are much prettier as a girl than as a drag queen. No offense. heh heh
Pricilla´s last blog ..Dona Nobis Pacem
mine is needshousekeepernowstein.
Jessica´s last blog ..Probably Better Off Spending Time Elsewhere
Geez, I tried the name thing I came up with Charlemaine Tension. Even as a dam drag queen I can’t escape tension in my life. What’s up with that?….lol
ann´s last blog ..What do you see?
hmm…Sofonda Cox over here. not bad….
As long as there are no jalapenos … i can probably work with that.
seafoodpunch´s last blog ..Pumpkins are Jacked
Amanda Playwith: Why, helloooo, “Amanda”! Yes, this definitely has a ring. The shows are free online RIGHT NOW! GO! To logo.com, tho the link is in this post.
Kathy: Oprah would NOT have approved, believe me. I think Bebe was going for “Tina Turner” and overdid it a tad. But that’s what it’s all about, locas!
Lola: I like Monica Welsley. I think someone else got those two names, so you obviously have a relative here you didn’t know about. “Serving fish”: yeah, perfect. I’d never heard of it—had to look it up.
Pricilla: It is best for goats not to worry about such things as duct tape. And I thank you for the compliment. I do believe men make better drag queens than girls. (Or women.)
Jessica: Well, now THAT’S not sexy at all! Are you sure you did it right? Or were you on the wrong site? Maybe you were accidentally searching for your “Tired Mom Name”?
ann: HA! Keep trying! Maybe you’ll get a better one. What the hell does “Tension” have to do with all of this? Ay, loca! Someone tell me!
seafoodpunch: HAHAHAHA! I’ll be thinking about jalapenos for a while . . . in a good way. See ya around, Sofonda! (Does that name inspire you to draw anything in particular?)
Oh JD, so beeeeauuutiful! You little hussie you
My name comes out as ‘Harlotte Courtisan’ Wait, I’ll have a go on the first link….. ‘Lotta Estrogen’ Ha ha!
babs – beetle´s last blog ..Dona Nobis Pacem – BlogBlast for Peace
Shaky Jake turns into Barb Wyre. Neat?
I doubt that I’d ever subject myself to anything involving Ru Paul unless under the influence of some very keen drugs, but I identify with the mindless TV that we sometimes have to indulge ourselves in. I’ve seen four episodes of The Simple Life. And I feel your pain.
Shaky Jake´s last blog ..Action Movie Lecture Series: Hulk Hogan’s Triumph Over the 1990s.
I am planning to check out the show online, but first I need to know one thing. They don’t actually show the tuck, do they? ‘Cuz I totally don’t want to see that.
If your drag queen name is Pussy Galore, you must remember to pronounce it “Poossy”–Sean Connery-style. Too funny.
absepa´s last blog ..Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, yada yada yada
Ay, Loca. My names are Ivana Dick (Ay, Loca!!) and Monica Intervention.
Meh. I guess I pick #1.
Your Daily Cute´s last blog ..Cute Kitten Watching Cute Cat Video!
Oy!
I thought NOTHING could be scarier than that photo of Nina Flowers….until I saw the one of YOU, Monica. Um, you need
to seriously PUT DOWN THE BLUSH, girl!
OMG…this was hilarious! And it’s like you could READ MY MIND,
cause I’m reading and laughing and I’m thinking, “I wonder what
JD would look like as a drag queen. That would make a hilarious
sight to see.”
And you DID IT. I bow to you, oh Sluggish Princess…..I mean, Drag Queen!
Oh-so-sincerely,
Charlamaine Intervention.
(What does that even mean??)
Kathryn´s last blog ..Time Better Spent
I am apparently Ursula Uranus, which sounds unsavory in many different ways or, on the second generator, Charlamaine Breeze.
No offense, but I could come up with better Drag Queen names. Or my daughter could as she did for a character in one of my novels (Lucy [Lucifer] Lush – my daughter is brilliant).
How about
Daphne DeLacy
Tessa Tremulous
Lana LaRue
And, of course, if that’s not good enough for you, there are plenty of Drag Queen names in the James Bond films. Off hand there is:
Plenty O’Toole
Pussy Galore (and there are a bunch of names that work with Galore)
Honey Rider
Tiffany Case
Holly Goodhead
Jenny Flex
Bibi Dahl
Xenia Onatopp
Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..For Boris: What About Italics?
Mine sound more like stripper names than drag queen names, but what do I know? Iva Fetish (see, total stripper, porn star, or dominatrix) and Rachel Tension. How they got either out of Staci I’ll never know.
Staci at Just Bloggled´s last blog ..Rules of Seven, a Thursday Edition
Aye, loca! Those eyes JD. You look haunting…er…maybe haunted is more like it. I need to catch that show.
Buggys´s last blog ..Bathroom Re-Do
The second site said my drag queen name is Charlamaine Dupree. I was all set to figure a way to combine the two names I would be given, but then the first site said my drag queen name is Lois Carmen Denominator. I think maybe I like that one; no mixing required.
Then again, maybe I could be Lois Carmen Dupree, but then I think I’d have to have an affair with a New York governor. And, I’m really not into that.
And Charlamaine Denominator sounds more like a math teacher and not so much a drag queen. “Oh, snap! You failed math.”
Of course, I’m not really into being a drag queen either, so I guess it doesn’t matter either way.
dcr´s last blog ..Learn How to Train Your Mind… At Last!
babs – beetle: HA! I am! I think I prefer Harlotte Courtisan for you. “Estrogen” just isn’t very sexy (and you ARE sex-ay!)
Shaky Jake: Oh, wow. I’ve never watched The Simple Life. That is indeed pretty bad, Barb Wyre. I did watch More to Love, recently (kind of The Bachelor for overweight people), and I can’t even blame that on drugs.
absepa: RIGHT! “Pooossy” HA. Good one. They don’t show the tuck. I mean, they show where the tuck IS, but you don’t see anything. Just . . . smoothness. And fully clothed. ENJOY!
Your Daily Cute: Ay, loca. Yeah, I’d pick Ivana Dick. For obvious reasons.
Kathryn: Hey! Can I just call you “Char”? As for the “Intervention” part, yeah. That doesn’t even make any sense. Tho the whole name does roll nicely off the tongue. In real life, I don’t even wear blush OR foundation OR eye makeup except sometimes brow pencils to color in my ridiculously pale brows. And don’t go near my lipstick or I will cut a bitch.
Stephanie Barr: Yeah, “Ursula Uranus” is neither feminine nor particularly funny. I do like Charlamaine Breeze, tho. I love all the Bond girls’ double-entendre names. Sigh. I wish I was a Bond girl.
Staci at Just Bloggled: I think it’s totally random. I bet if you tried again with the exact same name, you’d get something different. I really don’t see the point to “Tension.” What does that have to do with drag? With anything?
Buggys: Yeah, definitely haunted. By the painful memory of Nina Flowers losing the crown. Ay, loca. Yes, watch it.
dcr: HAHAHA! I actually quite like “Lois Carmen Denominator.” I was thinking of trying to mix and match names, but it doesn’t work that well. It’s a good thing you don’t want to be a drag queen OR have an affair with a NY governor. I just don’t see it happening.
Oh Honey, that picture… Bwa- HAHAHA!!!!!!
Also? Monica Duvet is all kinds of awesome.
My real name dragged out at : Miss Understood
But Nanny Goats dragged out at: Jane Manhands
Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Maybe I Just Have a Hole in My Lip
Kristy Kreme *gag*
OR
Devine Intervention… I agree.
jennyonthespot´s last blog ..Favorite Things Friday
Oh my… on the first site I am Felicia Fellatio, on the second Marie Dupree. Quite a difference, I would say.
And I think using Vicoden would be a prerequisite for watching that show…
Maureen´s last blog ..A Lucky Omen
Iva Fetish is my name and i don’t know how they knew but the site also supplied a photo of a black woman wearing a statute of liberty crown. how in the h*ll did they know what i had on last night?
i’m mad at rupaul. he looks better as a woman than i do. i don’t even know how to apply make-up and look at him. looks good as a man too. darn him for being able to work both sides of the fence.
you look mah-valous dahling. who does your make-up?
funny JD!
natural´s last blog ..Hiatus
*statue* i meant. too much legal language in my head.
natural´s last blog ..Hiatus
Mine is Ursula Uranus, with the name Lidian. It’s worse with my IRL name so U-Squared it is. This could almost work as an anime villainess name, too, a la Sailor Moon. Maybe.
Lidian´s last blog ..The Shelvador Dali Refrigerator
Margaret (Nanny Goats): So . . . are you saying I should apply for Drag Race 2? You know, that is Jessica Simpson’s hair, don’t you? How about combining your two names to “Miss Manhands”? I rather like that.
jennyonthespot: I love “Devine Intervention.” “Kristy Kreme” just reminds me of “Krusty the Clown.” Or is it “Klown”? Anyway, you’re better off as Devine. ‘Cuz you are.
Maureen: Yeah, funny how withdrawal got harder and harder with each show. Wow, I kind of like “Felicia Fellatio.” Really rolls off the tongue . . . so to speak.
natural: RuPaul has been in the business of being a woman WAY longer than you, honey (to be said in a drag queen voice). So he’s learned a thing or two. I do my own makeup, and sadly, that’s pretty much how I look if I actually try to apply my own. In real life, I stick to Dr. Pepper chapstick and a little eyebrow pencil.
Lidian: I can see UU as an anime name. It’s definitely got a ring to it. Not necessarily a pleasant ring, mind you.
Wow. This *almost* makes me wish I had a TV.
David´s last blog ..John, Helen, Irvin
I was in the MAC store one Saturday night at the King of Prussia Mall; I’d escaped a conference in the hotel behind the mall and went in for a break and a new lipstick. I was standing there overwhelmed by my choices when a perfectly manicured hand reached over my shoulder, picked up a lipstick and handed it to me. “Here,” she said. “This one would be perfect.” I looked up into the face of the most beautiful, and tallest, black woman I’d ever seen in my life. It wasn’t until she walked out of the store that I realized it was a man. And the lipstick (Viva Glam V) WAS perfect, is perfect, and is still my favorite.
Yes, as much as I hate to admit it, the weirder the reality shows, the harder it is to get away once hooked. A lot of friends made fun of me because I’m a male in my late twenties who watches the Maury show religiously. Then many of them watched a few episodes and are now hooked. It might be a “secret shame” but hey, it’s still better than many of the other bad habits out there – and very entertaining once you get drawn in.
Barry´s last blog ..Queen Anne Writing Desk | Queen Anne Desk | Queen Ann Desk
David: You don’t have . . . wait, lemme read that again. You. Don’t. Have. A. TV. Nope, that can’t be right. Please correct your sentence in a new comment.
Shieldmaiden1196: Viva Glam!!! That was what they pushed on the show!!! Are you sure it wasn’t RuPaul who handed you the lipstick?
Barry: Your friends are right to make fun of you. I only say that because I went thru a pretty intense Maury stage myself. I’m glad I’m not the only one.
Dammit, Amanda and Kathryn have my name: Charlamaine Intervention.
I like that name. I guess I’m just gonna have to be Charlamain’s second cousin, Magenta Intervention.
Work it, girl!
cardiogirl´s last blog ..NaNoWriMo update: I kicked week one’s ass back to Saturday
cardiogirl: You’d BETTER work it, loca. Serve it for the nerves (which is also something they said).