Archive for March, 2009

I Got a Tube Shoved Up My Nose

Tweet That’s okay with me I’ll cry later on Last week a kindly doctor performed an act upon my body so vile, so heinous, so . . . anatomically bizarre that I can only call it rape. Rape of the nose. Remember my goiter? Well, my thyroid doctor thinks it may be crushing my throat […]




60 Comments

Tweet Every breath you take Every peep you make I’ll be watching you Image courtesy of Hosting with the Most Zing OK. I’m exhausted. I watched almost all day yesterday. I didn’t get any work done. Then I was up all night. Watching. Worrying. Waiting. Wondering. I need some help. I’m looking for volunteers, but […]




41 Comments

I Will Make a Match

Tweet Look through your book, And make me a perfect match This is the first of the “I Do Things By Request” series. Recently Jen from Redhead Ranting made a humble request of I Do Things: Would you find me a worthy date on Match.com? I’m already a member but am far too lazy to […]




49 Comments

I Do Focus Groups

Tweet Call me any day or night A few months ago I got paid $150 to talk about cheese. Sweet gig, right? Yup, even in these troubled times, focus groups are still paying good money, and seeing how my unofficial title is the Wizard of Cheese, this cheesly study was right up my alley. Even […]




35 Comments

I Crush Children’s Dreams

Tweet Oh, hello! Who’s this friendly fellow? I was hoping you could tell me. You know those flyers you get from landscaping companies? They get shoved in your door and inevitably fall off, littering your yard, so that more landscaping companies are attracted to your poor ugly lawn and stick more flyers in your door? […]




57 Comments

I Have a New Foot

Tweet It’s nothin’ dangerous I feel no pain A warning: THERE WILL BE BLOOD Only, like, a drop. But still, I wish someone had warned me. My de-bunionized foot was unveiled today! After 2 long weeks, the gauze bandage would be removed and my foot would once again breathe fresh air. This all would have […]




57 Comments




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