I Do Things So You Don’t Have To

And the flesh you so fancifully fry Is not succulent, tasty, or kind Isn’t it time you took your appetite on a romantic protein getaway? No? Well, maybe you and your appetite are having relationship problems. It happens. But the Beef Industry wants you and your appetite to get it on, protein-style, with a little [...]

Hey, what’s that sound, spin around Who dat? Normal person’s prayer: Dear ____: Please keep me and my loved ones safe, healthy, and happy. Please end all the wars and natural disasters and bring peace to the land. JD’s prayer: Dear ____: Please keep me and my loved ones safe, healthy, and happy. Please end [...]

I can feel it coming the beginning of the twist JUDGE NOT, ye readers! Judge not the sensible plaid skirt and possibly-velvet blazer. Judge not the ruffled—RUFFLED—collar. Judge not the stickpin! And please, I beg you, judge not the “Mom” perm. It’s me, JD, at six-freaking-teen. So why do I look like a matronly lady [...]

Please, don’t wake me, no, don’t shake me Driving to Starbuck’s while you’re still asleep is a bad idea for several reasons. But who can think reasonably when you’re asleep? Oh, don’t worry. I survived the trip, and I’m pretty sure everyone else on the road did too. (Sidenote: I don’t like the taste of [...]

Make it so much better It is better better Hey, y’all. Do you know what’s better than a chocolate chip cookie? “NOTHING!” you rudely interrupt. Well, I’ve got news for you. I just made your precious chocolate chip cookie even better. You think I’m lying? I would never lie to you. Especially when it comes [...]

Leaving the note that she hoped would say more “Honey, I don’t want to scare you . . . ” I clutched my triple venti vanilla latte and held my breath. What was Dave about to tell me? I had made the mistake of watching Kairo the night before—the original Japanese version of the horror [...]