I Do Things So You Don’t Have To

Tweet   If I tell you what I’m doing today Will you shut up and get out of my way?             I’ll tell you what I’m doing today: I’m getting a mammogram. Now shut up and get out of my way. Sorry to be rude, but I hate being late. [...]

Tweet All the downtown ladies call him treetop lover No, I DOUBLE dare you: I double dare you not to break into a happy jig when you’re standing in line at the convenience store, buying a normal-sized Snickers bar and the new Us magazine (IN VITRO!), when, all of the sudden, “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown” [...]

Tweet Can’t stand still while the music is playin’ What the hell am I supposed to do with these? Before you answer, let me share a seemingly unrelated anecdote. In her later years, my great-aunt Mil lived in a nursing home. This was no fun for anyone, least of all her. We tried to cheer [...]

Tweet Don’tcha call me pudgy, portly, or stout Here’s the dilly-o: I could stand to lose a few. I got a little junk in the trunk. I would not be described as a stick figure. Do you see what I’m doing here? I’m trying not to use the word “fat.” It just makes things worse. [...]

Tweet Hey, everyone! Remember Gus’s lolcat contest? Well, the results are in and . . . . . . Gus is officially famous! Thanks to you, his photo—now with exciting caption!—has been submitted to I Can Has Cheezburger, where, if about 10,000 people vote for him, his double-buttedness will seen and admired by the masses. [...]

Tweet First of all, how much fun is it to say “Wordle”? WORDLE! I want to “Wordle” all my words from now on. I Doodle Thingdles so Youdle Don’t Have Toodle. Oh, it’s fun. But Wordle is more than a silly word. It’s a way-cool “word cloud” application that allows you to take a bunch [...]