I Do Things So You Don’t Have To

And it used to be for a while That the river flowed right to my door Yesterday my mother-in-law asked me if I still had my wedding dress. Oh, how badly I wanted to lie. But I’m trying to be more honest—in speech if not in actions—so out came the truth, as gently as I [...]

Mirror in the bathroom Please don’t freak The door is locked It’s just JD I have sat on my last wet toilet seat. I mean it. No more public bathrooms. From now on, I’m just going to hold it. Voluntary urine retention doesn’t cause your bladder to burst, so as long as I can wait [...]

Roll in the Benz with me, you could watch TV From the backseat of my V, I’m a P-I-M-P (NSFW or my mom) So you never truly believed that my I Do Things services extended to pimping, did you? Well, buster, when it involves food, you’d best believe I will pimp a snack upside the [...]

It’s better in the matinee The dark of the matinee is mine Yes, it’s miiiiiine When I’m not watching SNL clips or eppies of Hell’s Kitchen (ohhh, the shame) on Hulu, you’ll find me in the dark of the matinee that is my living room, watching a Netflix. In my little world, “Netflix” is synonymous [...]