I Do Things So You Don’t Have To

Pour some sugar on me *
  

“Trick or Treat!”
(pause)
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
(pause)
“TRICK OR—
“I’m coming, I’m coming. Hold your horses!”
Door swings open to reveal mean old lady.
“For heaven’s sake, I’m not deaf, you dumb kid.”
(mortified pause)
“trickortreat”
I grab blindly at the bowl of now completely undesirable candy, my cardboard fairy wings heavy on my back, the glitter in my […]

Long nights crying by the record machine
Dreaming of my Chevy and my old blue jeans *

You know the story: girl buys cute baby alligator, dad flushes alligator down the toilet, 12 years later, gigantic alligator is discovered in sewer.
Throw in a sarcastic, embittered cop who blames himself for the death of his partner, a sexy […]

But every day I told myself good things would happen
‘Cause I knew that I was going to be a legend in my living room *

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Actually, I truly believe in my heart that we’re all kind of a big deal. The only difference between you and me is that I feel the need to wear […]

Okay,
Just a little pinprick
There’ll be no more—aaaaaahhhhh! *

Remember that goiter I told you about? Well, in addition to this swollen thyroid gland that is eating my neck, there is a small nodule, right in the middle, that has been there for at least ten years.
Thyroid nodules are really common. You probably have one! But don’t worry. Ninety-nine percent […]

Some say you can learn a lot from books
Thrill right to second-hand living
Life is just as deadly as it looks
But fiction is more forgiving *

Ooh! A list of books. My stomach is churning with excitement. What this is, readers, is a list of the top 106 books most often marked as “unread” by users of […]

Gimme a head with hair
Long, beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen * (waxen?)
 
Thanks to Splenetic for the photo.
)
Yup, I grow my own hair. That may not sound like much of a feat, but what about all these celebrities running around with someone else’s hair glued or stapled to their heads?
I can understand needing a different […]